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Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Man of Steel

Wow. I am so f**king pissed right now I can't even see straight. I have a new contender for worst film of the year. And it's Man of f**king Steel. Although A Good Day to Die Hard gets honorable mention still, this one really takes the cake. It was the anus of cinema.

I mostly blame director Zack Snyder, who in the past has directed such masterpieces as 300, Watchmen, and Sucker Punch. If you didn't catch the innate sarcasm in that comment, well, this review won't make much sense to you. The guy knows how to create good visuals, but the stories and character development are consistently ABYSMAL. And Man of Steel is no exception.

Not since Superman IV: The Quest For Peace has the man of steel been so defiled onscreen. Taking a page from Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, Snyder gives Superman a dark, brooding persona, as well as an underdeveloped backstory told mostly in flashbacks, and a terrible series of action sequences. The Dark Knight worked perfectly for a hero as rough and gritty as Batman, but Superman... no. Henry Cavill is essentially useless and wooden as Superman himself, which really drags down the entire movie.

Never in my life would I have imagined that I would be so bored by a movie as loud as Man of Steel. It opens with one of the most idiotic and pointless battles ever, between General Zod, the bad guy (and that's all we basically know about him), and Jor-El, Superman's father. Another thing I never thought would happen: Russel Crowe screaming "KRYPTON IS DOOOOOOOMED!!!" Anyway, you know the rest of the story... Superman goes to Earth and meets Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, who does a tremendous job of running around in high heels and screaming.



The characters do basically nothing in this film, a trait owed to Snyder, who in the past has given us such great dialogue as "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!" There's a good twenty minutes of explosions at the beginning, followed by an hour of what SHOULD have been character development (but wasn't), culminating in a total clusterf**k of final battles at the end which lasted a full hour. Michael Shannon does his best as Zod, but even he can't save Man of Steel from its monotonous and soul-crushing finale.

The plot holes abound in this crappy film. In the first place, Zod is exiled to another dimension, just in time for Krypton to blow up. Because he was exiled, he stays alive. So... why exile him? They KNEW the friggin' planet was going to blow up. Then he finds Superman on Earth and tries to resurrect the dead Kryptonian race, but why did he have to terraform Earth first? It had already been proven that Kryptonians not only could live, but could thrive on Earth. In fact, they gain incredible powers and become Gods. But I guess Zod wasn't interested in that. Absolutely retarded. And for that matter, why not evacuate Krypton? According to Russel Crowe, "Everybody here is already dead." But he got Superman out just f**king fine! What the hell?

And the ending sucks. I cannot repeat that enough. There are about five climactic battles, and it is F**KING ENDLESS. I wanted to just fall into the core of the Earth and die while I was watching it. Just mindless, mindless action. And just when you think it's all done, and Superman is saying something corny to Lois, Zod is back and still alive, ready to keep fighting. So that's another 10 minutes of Superman and Zod slamming into buildings and f**king shit up.

Final Score for this travesty? I'll be generous and give it a whopping 2/10 stars. This was actually worse than Green Lantern, DC's most prominent other recent failure. If the Justice League movie ends up getting made, it will totally suck. DC has now exhausted its three best heroes, and two of their movies stank (Batman being the exception). So who is going to save the franchise now? Wonder Woman? Flash? AQUAMAN? Be realistic.

In short, don't watch this pathetic excuse for a film. Stay home and rent The Dark Knight again. I am so, so, so incredibly disappointed.

Bye!

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