East Beats West

I need to get the taste of Man of Steel out of my mouth, so today I'm gonna do something new and different: BLOG ABOUT ACTUAL NEWS. My top story comes out of Michigan, where authorities have received an anonymous tip that Jimmy Hoffa's body may be buried under a road in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. Hoffa, of course, was the teamsters union boss who went missing, and whose body was never found. Now, decades later, they're reopening the case.

I always thought that Hoffa just went back to his home planet, but apparently my conspiracy theories are being put to the test. It's the perfect place for a body, and if teamsters did it, they would have known when and where the road was going to be paved, giving them the capability to bury the body one day, and then see it covered in asphalt the next. So if you're ever in rural Michigan and find a teamsters union ring sticking out of the ground, call the f**king cops. First take the ring though, and then sell it on Pawn Stars.

Up next: According to Google News, the Taliban have agreed to enter peace talks with the US. And in Iran, the new president (replacing Mahmoud Ahmadenijanamananananaad) has said that he is looking forward to 'reforms.' These reforms being; women are now allowed to uncover their heads in public provided there's nobody around to see it, and enriched Uranium rods will be used instead of rocks in stoning.

In all cerealness, this is good news-- it looks as if the Middle East may be getting its act together. But I'm not too certain. Iran seems legit, as the new guy was duly elected... but the Taliban's offer sounds a little too much like the plot of Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which Khan gathers all elite military officers together in one room in order to blow them up. I doubt that the US military will overlook that possibility though, and will probably end up frisking the Taliban militants until they get REALLY pissed and declare an unending jihad on full-cavity strip-searches.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the Middle East still think that this is our goal:


This is the proposed 'redrawing' of the Middle East, which would create a Kurdish state, as well as split Iraq into Sunni and Shiite factions. It's shit like this that gets us detested worldwide. Because even though this solution would probably benefit all involved countries in the long run (except maybe Pakistan), it's still a really big dick move to just go right in and say "Hey, your borders are here, here, and here. Deal with it." How would we feel if Iran invaded and declared that the US was now divided between North and South?

Quick aside-- if the US WAS divided between North and South, there would be an incredible exodus of sane people from the south to the north. We would take all the trees, drinkable water, clean air, 75% of national parks, and non-insane abortion laws. And Texas? If you ever want to secede again, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Are you gone? Good.

Quick, everybody, change the locks to the country!

So, will the Mideast peace talks end well? I am optimistic. Every religion goes through some crazy f**kin' shit around their 1,400 year mark, and Islam hasn't been any different. When Christians were 1,400 years old, they were crusading across the desert, allegedly killing and eating babies. It's never been proven, but I say teach the controversy.

Bye!