I Don't Give

It's the end of the school year (in two days), so I'm going to start a little tradition here at G-Force. I know that most of my readership is comprised of either family members or friends (or people from Finland), but I would like to devote this blog post to my peeps at school-- who probably haven't ever read a single paragraph of this blog. But nonetheless, I'm going to go through the TOP TEN MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF THE 2013 SCHOOL YEAR!!! And for those of you who don't go to Drake High School, I will provide explanations for why these things were so damn funny. Here we go.

10) "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MINORITY IN AMERICA!!!" Yeah, this takes some explanation. One day, a Sophomore in my class wore a Redskins sweater to school, prompting our Drama teacher to go on a half-hour rant about how "YOU WOULDN'T SUPPORT A FOOTBALL TEAM CALLED THE N*****S!!!" And yes, he actually said the N word in class. I kid you not. Our teachers are very passionate people.

9) CALVIN GETS HIT BY A CAR: Surprisingly, when my friend Calvin was hit by a car, it wasn't his fault. He was just crossing the street when an old woman ran him over. He then stood up, ripped off her rear-view mirror, and threw it on the ground. It gets better: Apparently she didn't have insurance, but instead offered him free acupuncture at her clinic. He is going to sue her as soon as he gets me a free acupuncture session. Whoop-dee-f**kin'-doo.

8) DOCTOR HEINZ VANHOUSIN: After being cast as a psychotic German scientist in a 10-minute play, I reprised the role for my next one... and hopefully every play I have to do next year. It isn't so impressive over the internet, but I do a pretty good German accent.

7) "LINE 'EM UP AND WHAMMO! BATTING PRACTICE!" This was my History teacher's completely sane description of the Rape of Nanking, in which Japanese soldiers lined up Chinese peasants and smashed their heads open with baseball bats. It hasn't been proven per se, but as always, we teach the controversy.

6) RELIGIOUS DEBATES: After I found out that my friend Luke was a Protestant butthole, I realized that for the first time in my life, I had the chance to have intelligent religious debates with someone. Instead, we yelled at each other all year, finally culminating in me stuffing a fossil in his face and yelling "THERE! FOSSIL!" Also, when he asked me and Calvin where you go when you die, Calvin so eloquently said "Uh... the ground. Duh."

5) SOUL MAN: Me, Calvin, Connor, Luke, Bing, and Oscar enacted a Blues Brothers dance routine for our PE class. While all the other groups did shitty 'country western' or 'interpretive' dances, we got up FULLY SUITED UP and pwned the entire school. If you want to see the epic video, click HERE.

4) "THINK OF IT LIKE A TRAIN!" This was my math teacher's pneumonic device to get us to remember the Transitive Property of Equality. And it still doesn't make any sense. Good thing it's not on the final. She also coined the phrase "Random stuff just comes out of my mouth... I dunno," and "Graham, I'm a horrible artist, come up and draw this on the board."



I like trains.

3) "HAVEN'T YOU EVER HAD A BAD DAY AND THEN GONE HOME TO DUMP ALL OVER YOUR MOTHER?!?!" Yep, this needs explaining also. We were reading The Catcher in the Rye in English class, and our English teacher was having us enact little skits where we pretend to have mental problems (like Holden Caulfield apparently did). One of the ones given out was projection, which means to have a bad thing happen to you and then take it out on someone else. We didn't quite understand that, and so our English teacher offered up this fantastic description. Of course, that's not what it sounded like to us...

2) "APPLES ARE RED... EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE NOT." Actually, this is for our entire Food Project, but this quote deserves to be taught across the nation. If you want to see how the entire project went, just scroll down to see the post entitled Food Project 2013 and watch it. It's funny as crap. And you get to see Calvin trying to pronounce the phrase 'DIY'. Also, our Science teacher came to our dinner. He's the guy that coined...

1) "I DON'T GIVE!" Yes, the number one slot here is taken by my Science teacher's funniest quote of all time. He was yelling at my friend Luke, who then tried to justify himself... leading to this. You can tell that he was going to follow it up with "A SHIT" or something, but didn't quite go for the gusto, leaving us with I Don't Give, the funniest quote, moment, or story from my entire school year.

That's all I got. If you've read this blog post, you might as well have actually gone to my school for the past year. This is all that was important. Oh yeah... and that 'learning' stuff... HA!

Bye!