Indiana Jones and the Ego Trip of George Lucas

As I may have mentioned before, my hometown, San Anselmo, is the residence of infamous director and Galactic Emperor George Lucas. Recently, he's been putting a lot of his Ewok blood money into building parks and shit around town, and even buried the power lines near his house so he wouldn't have to look at them from his McMansion (codenamed The Death Star by locals). And his latest project was the Imagination Park in downtown San Anselmo, directly across from the Coffee Roasters where I get my iced coffee after bike rides.

Adorning the park are two statues, one of Yoda and one of Indiana Jones. And seeing as Raiders of the Lost Ark is my favorite movie of all time, you can see why I took it upon myself to go see the statue's unveiling today at 5:00. There was a big-ass crowd, and I was disappointed to see that the police didn't wear Stormtrooper uniforms, but it was okay. Here's a pic:
















Yeah, I got pretty close to him. And it was the best thing I have ever done. Because as George f**king Lucas walked past me, I said, not quite audible enough for everyone else to hear, "Raiders of the Lost Ark was the best movie of all time. But aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie." And I swear on my unborn twins (Luke and Leia), the guy half-turned around and said quietly, "I know."

I don't expect anyone else to believe me on this, but it's what happened. George Lucas just admitted that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was an abomination of cinema. Okay, clearly he didn't say THAT, and he wouldn't use my language to describe it, but it was amazing. Oh, and in case you were wondering (you probably weren't), here's some of my favorite terms to describe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

• "The anus of cinema"
• "The biggest disappointment of all time"
• "The Antichrist of film"
• "The movie that should not have been"
• "Justifiable homicide"
• "The rape of Indiana Jones"
• "A cinematic abortion gone wrong"
• "A total clusterf**k of aliens and Russians that killed the franchise"
• "Vine-swinging shit"
• "Spielberg's shark-jumping"
• "Spielberg's refrigerator-riding"
• And just simply... "The worst movie since the beginning of time"

If I missed any descriptive terms for this godawful film, send them to GLucas@raybans&plaidshirts.net. I'm sure he'd love to read them. But I guess I shouldn't be too mad at Lucas. After all, the money made from R2-D2 trash cans and Ewok plush dolls pretty much paid for the park.

Bye!