The Wolverine

Sometimes, a summer movie will be great, sometimes it will be good, and sometimes it will be so bad it's entertaining. The Wolverine, unfortunately, fails on all three fronts. Bringing back Hugh Jackman as the iconic superhero, it puts him in Japan and tries to convince the audience of a half-assed re-imagining of Wolverine as a samurai. As cool as Wolverine VS Ninjas sounds, it's not very good onscreen, especially when there are no characters or good dialogue to hold it all up.

Throughout the proceedings, I could think of only one thing: WHY DOES THIS MOVIE EXIST? The answer, as it all too often is, is money. This contributes nothing to X-Men, Wolverine's story, or anything Marvel wanted to do. It is just killing time until the sequels to Spider-Man, Thor, Captain America, and The Avengers. It's a waste of celluloid and, even worse, a waste of my time.

Anyone can throw together a movie about some guy with claws ripping the living shit out of people, but it requires some depth to the characters and some attention to the acting. The Wolverine did neither, as it barreled ever forward like a runaway train. Also, can superhero film writers not think of ANYTHING original for the plot? Yet again, we're treated to the hero losing his powers in some bullshit way, only to be regained at the end of the movie. Spider-Man 2 did it first, and far better.



I give this movie no points for plot, dialogue, characters, or any of the things that I actually value in a film. It has plenty of ludicrous action sequences, but it eventually overloads on them with a ridiculous machine that can strip Wolverine of his powers and some annoying viper-woman in green spandex. I'm sure it sounded awesome on paper, or in an elevator pitch, but that's basically all this movie is-- a dumb idea stretched to two hours.

Jackman is, as always, fully committed to his role, but he is given very little to work with other than "Be gruff, be tough, and kill people." And it's even more disappointing when you realize what a great superhero Wolverine is-- he's mysterious, conflicted, and deep. But unfortunately, none of those qualities seem to have made the transfer to the big screen.

Final Score for The Wolverine: 3/10 stars. Sure, for dumb summer fun, you could do worse, but why settle for such a mediocre film as this? It's boring, redundant, and a total waste of time. It's not as bad as Man of Steal Your Money, but it's not coming close to redeem this already horrible year for movies.

Bye!

The Way, Way Back

After seeing plenty of coming-of-age stories, I was afraid that the genre would get a tad tedious. I was wrong. It seems that no matter how many times the same themes are repeated in these movies, the directors always find something new to bring to the table. The Way Way Back is one of the best films of the year, and is one of the few films that can legitimately bill itself as "You'll laugh, you'll cry." It's quite an experience. 

The Way Way Back is the story of Duncan, a 14-year-old kid with a distant mother who has an abusively mean boyfriend (played by Steve Carell). The opening scene is incredible and hard to watch-- and it really sets the tone for the rest of the film. Carell asks him to rate himself on a scale of one to ten. When he persists, Duncan gives in and says "Six." Carell responds with the most crushing line in comedy history: "I think you're a three." 

I've always been a big fan of Steve Carell (even when he made Dan in Real Life), but I never expected a performance like this from him. He's a very likable person, yet he plays an incredibly detestable character. I don't know what the directors saw in him that made them choose him for the role, but they were clearly right, as he plays the part perfectly. Meanwhile, Allison Janey is introduced as a drunk, nutty neighbor, which adds some welcome lightness to the proceedings. I've only seen her as CJ Craig in The West Wing, so it was nice to see her go from being a cut-and-dried press secretary to a tipsy divorcee cutting loose. 

But the best performance comes from one of my favorite actors, Sam Rockwell. If he hadn't already solidified his standing as a great actor with Moon or Galaxy Quest, he does so with this. He plays the King of the Water Park in the beach community where Duncan is on vacation, and after he sees something in Duncan, he hires him as a water park employee. He is truly the kind of person everyone should aspire to be. Carefree, hilarious, fast-talking, and just fun to be around, he embodies everything that someone taking care of a kid should be. He is the exact opposite of Carell, giving the movie an almost zenlike yin-and-yang feel to it. It perfectly balances the painfully honest moments of Duncan's home life with his hysterical proceedings at the water park. It's an incredible feat. 

The dialogue crackles with intensity as well, Rockwell's specifically. I find it hard to believe that anyone is as good at talking to kids as his character is, but it's certainly fun to watch. He makes up stories off the top of his head and spins ridiculous anecdotes like it comes naturally to him. He's an incredibly fun character to watch, and I can only imagine how fun he was to play. 

Final Score for The Way Way Back: 9/10 stars. It's a great film, but unfortunately, the payoff is somewhat unsatisfying. I wanted Rockwell and Carell to have a showdown of some kind, but really, that's not in the spirit of the movie. If Rockwell had done anything to Carell, he would have been fighting Duncan's battle for him, and that's not what he needed. He needed a moral guide, not someone to step in for him. Really, it's a charming and spectacular movie that I can't imagine anyone not liking. Definitely worth two hours of your time.

Bye!

Keep Calm Except When There's a Royal Baby

AOPDHVAPWEFHAW CPAHSD P0CHAV0H AW0HV A0H A[0WEHAW0H 0SH ROYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAALLLL BABYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! Sorry, I really couldn't give two shits about Kate Middleton giving birth, but this blog is a subsidiary of NewsCorp, Rupert Murdoch's media empire. And I'm contractually obligated to lose my mind over any mention of British royalty giving birth. Also, I'm not allowed to yell at Murdoch over the cancellation of Firefly. That's been a hard promise to keep.
Burn the land and boil the sea...
Anyway, THERE'S A ROYAL BABY ON ITS WAY, CHAPS! Break out the tea, crumpets, and doilies, because it's gonna be LEGENDARY! The baby will undoubtedly emerge from the womb wearing a velvet cloak, a crown with an ostrich egg-sized emerald in it, and a golden staff used for beating the peasants over the head. Just like how Wayne Gretzky was born wearing ice skates. His mother later died from internal hemorrhaging.

Anyway, the royals haven't checked on whether it's a boy or a girl, but even if it is a girl, it will be third in line to the throne no matter what. Recently, the rules of succession were amended so that the firstborn daughter will take precedent over any younger brothers she happens to have. So... there's that. Really, I have nothing to say on this pointless and stupid subject; I just need to get my blog post quota in.

I was going to provide some visual aid about the royals or Britain, but that's f**king boring as f**k, so instead let's get a pic of the God Damn Batman.



Or, we could compromise. See? Isn't that a lot more interesting than going ballistic over the dilating cervix of some woman a few thousand miles away? But hey, to each their own.

I'm really not sure as to why Americans get so crazy about the random goings-on of British royalty. It's stupid. The rest of the time, we couldn't give two shits about their pale asses, but now one of them is PREGNANT, and everybody loses their minds. Maybe there's something in our drinking supply. Anyway, this is definitely a psychotic phenomenon, and should be researched. So I've called together the top minds in all of psychology (Myself, and... others...) to determine the cause of insanity for America.

The conclusion: Latent stupidity. Seriously, I can't be kind about this. I guess Americans are just tired of not having royalty of their own to gawk over, and so they choose to go nuts for our former colonial overlords. Kind of traitorous if you think about it. Hmm... maybe I could get them locked up!

Bye!

DAY TWO: Crater Lake

Hey, remember yesterday when I talked about stupid amusement park rides in Vallejo? Today, some woman in Texas literally flew off a rollercoaster and splattered all over the place. Now, without casting assumptions on this tragedy, the woman in question was very, very obese. So it's my professional opinion that the seatbelt equipment just couldn't wrap around her girth enough to secure her safely.

Anyway, time to talk about DAY TWO OF MY CRATER LAKE TRIP! On day two, my dad and I drove for an hour or so into Crater Lake National Park, and it was epic. On the drive, you go past an enormous canyon, then into the park itself, where you wind your way up a long and curvy road to the top. And that's where Crater Lake is. Here's a pic.

That's me standing at the barrier wall at the rim of the lake. Behind me is a good 1,000-foot drop, essentially straight down. The picture does not quite do this thing justice; it's the bluest and deepest lake I've ever seen. In fact, it's the deepest natural freshwater lake in the US.

After seeing the lake, we drove to the pinnacles, which are highly reminiscent of another one of my vacation destinations (click HERE for the old, old blog posts about the SoCal Pinnacles). Anyway, they were pretty cool, but the best part of the minor geographical features of the area would have to be the Phantom Ship.
















The Phantom Ship is an outcropping of rock at the edge of the lake. It's shaped like a really creepy ship (hence the name). Not much to say about it really, except that it's pretty friggin' awesome. It looks like the Flying Dutchman from Pirates of the Caribbean.

Anyway, we drove around the rim of the lake a little and laughed at fat Minnesotan tourists sweating while trying to hoof it up hills, tiny hills, mounds, and speed bumps. We then drove back to the hotel, had some dinner (which included two instances of extreme violence and one instance of me blinding a poofy little skinhead, In Bruges fans will get it), and went to bed. And thus begins day three...

Bye!

Keeping Up With Kriminal Kourt Kases

In between my epic story of my trip, I will interject with actual news. And right now we have a doozy-- George Zimmerman, the guy who shot Treyvon Martin back in 2012, has been acquitted of all criminal charges.

This is probably the most arbitrarily unfair jury verdict since Casey Anthony's case was dismissed. Zimmerman followed Martin (a young black kid in a hoodie) for a few blocks before calling the police to report a 'suspicious' person in his neighborhood. After being told not to take action, Zimmerman was confronted by Martin, who had seen him stalking him. Zimmerman then shot Martin, killing him. And he has been released from custody without taking any responsibility for his actions.

And so now the whole f**king world is in an uproar. Europeans are now writing editorials painting America as a land of outlaw vigilantes who follow black people around their neighborhoods, looking for an excuse to shoot them. The entire South has come out in support of the verdict, saying that Martin attacked Zimmerman. Even President Obama weighed in, saying that he "Could have been Treyvon."

But among the most ironic and facepalm-worthy of the responses has to be Kim Kardashian's. She said that "Justice hadn't been served." Which made all of America pause and think for a second-- maybe Kim Kardashian isn't really the vapid and useless reality TV prop we all thought she was. Then we all remembered that HER FATHER GOT OJ SIMPSON ACQUITTED. Yyyyyyyyyup, it's stupid as shit.


When it comes to greed, hypocrisy, and all-out ignorance, it's impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Actually, I think that a "Kardashian" was an alien on the original Star Trek series. No? I'm wrong?

However, the stupidest of responses had to come from George Zimmerman's brother, who expressed his fear that vigilantes would "Take the law into their own hands," and that his brother would now have to be "Constantly looking over his shoulder." Does that sound like anything else we know of? Hmmm, let me think... nope, not coming to me.

I think that, when I have the time and money, I will go to Florida and follow George Zimmerman wherever he goes. I'll peek through his windows, follow him into grocery stores, and hide in the trunk of his car when he's driving. Then, one day, when he finally snaps and tries to punch me in the face, I'll shoot him in the balls and yell "I STOOD MY GROUND!" Only then will justice truly be served.

Bye!

DAY ONE: The Drive

I'm back from my long-ass trip to Crater Lake, and I have a series of pictures that will dull your mind and bore you to death! To avoid this, I will just post the pics that are actually taken well, not the ones that are just taken by a douche with a $300 Canon who thinks he's Ansel f**king Adams.

My dad and I traveled 350-odd miles from San Anselmo to Klamath Falls, Oregon, stopping only to stretch and pick up a $5 copy of Blade Runner from a gas station. It was a grueling six-hour drive, and we were numb by the end. But holy shit-- I can't feel bad for myself after driving through backwater town after backwater town in Northern California.

We begin our tour of regional shitholes in Vallejo. Vallejo is famous for:
1) Smelling like dead fish.
2) Being host to Six Flags Discovery Kingdom, along with hundreds of puking tourists who were too poor for Disneyworld.
3) Rows and rows of identical houses.
4) Several distinct types of sludge runoff. Here's a pic.

This is the lush and varied landscape of Vallejo. Vallejo is known as the "City of Opportunity," as long as that opportunity is the chance of getting abducted by a white van and waking up in a bathtub filled with ice, missing one of your kidneys. Vallejo is also home to competitive eater Joey Chestnut. In other words, the place is a shithole.

Continuing north, we hit the charming Yolo County. Yolo County is famous for having the same name as a dumbass Millennial chant, and being the ultimate tourist destination for people who enjoy staring at vast and unwavering clumps of dirt. After Yolo County, we came to a series of identical mud-farming towns, and finally ended up in Shasta County and the town of Weed.

Weed and San Francisco: One-stop-shopping. Anyway, we made our way across the border and into Midland, a nice out-of-the-way place to pick up a hitchhiker who is secretly an axe murderer and will cut your jugular vein the first chance he gets. After meandering through Klamath Falls a bit, we finally made our way to the hotel, which was basically a safe haven for rich people with golfing addictions. Then we watched In Bruges. "YOU'RE AN INANIMATE F**KING OBJECT!!!"

Anyway, that was my first day of vacation. Driving, plus more driving, plus the occasional stop in a crappy town, plus a little more driving. Stay tuned for my posts about days 2, 3, and 4!

Bye!

PacRim

I just saw Pacific Rim with my friend Calvin, and... *sigh*... it was pretty stupid. Seriously, it's dumb as shit. But here we go: Pacific Rim chronicles the efforts of humanity to fight the onslaught of inter-dimensional Godzilla lizards climbing through a trans-universal rift in the Pacific Ocean. Seriously. It's f**king stupid. To combat these creatures (called Kaiju), humanity created Jaegers, enormous robots that feature all the most advanced weapons known to man. Like... a sword. A razor blade. And a fist.

They explain away this ridiculous shit by saying that the Kaiju's skin is impervious to nuclear warheads, missiles, etc... but not a robot punching them. That makes sense. Also, the robots must be piloted by two people. Why can't they just be programmed to fight? Because Plotline. Why can't just one person pilot them? Because Plotline again. How does the neural-link technology exist? You guessed it: PLOTLINE.

So, overlooking the INCREDIBLE lapses in logic... the dialogue is horrible. Absolutely horrific. None of the actors seem even remotely committed to their roles, and it shows. Idris Elba is the one exception, as he can make even the corniest lines seem intimidating. But other than him, the acting is a total dud. Featuring totally inept performances from both of its leads, we've now realized that a good 67% of this movie is crap. So, besides plot and characters/dialogue, what's left?

SPECIAL F**KING EFFECTS. And this had PLENTY of them. This is the kind of movie that appeals to the 10-year-old kid in all of us. It's Transformers fighting Godzilla, and it's pretty epic. Overlooking the fact that this was undoubtedly made just to sell toys... in fact, there's a scene at the beginning where we're treated to the fact that, in seven or so years, the Kaiju and Jaegers are both kid's toys, and little action figures are sold everywhere. Not since the first Transformers movie has this been more evident. "COOL, MOM!"



But even the action sequences are dumb. They last too long, and the WOW factor really decreases after you start to realize that EVERY OTHER COUNTRY'S JAEGER WILL DIE EXCEPT FOR AMERICA'S. Again, because Plotline. Oh, and good job not giving Uzbekistan, Paraguay, or Mozambique a Jaeger, Guillermo del Toro. Real smooth.

At the end, we discover that the Kaiju are all clones of each other (so why do they look different? Because Plotline), and that they're amassing for an all-out assault. Which makes you wonder what they're waiting for. Idris Elba sacrifices himself, because the black guy always has to die in these movies, and the portal is destroyed. Somehow, our two heroes are able to escape back through the interdimensional portal, even though they had just explained that only Kaiju could pass through. They even made a big show of having them grab a Kaiju and hold onto it as they went through the portal, just so they wouldn't get zapped. It's f**king stupid.

And so they eject in escape pods and float to the surface. Why couldn't they and the other pilots have used these escape pods before? Plotline. And then we have the predictable "OH NO THE HERO'S DEAD" sequence, ending when he coughs and sputters and says something witty while helicopters fly in perfect formation overhead. Totally awful.

So, Final Score for Pacific Rim? 4/10 stars. The summer of duds is continuing here. At this point, watch Much Ado About Nothing instead, when you finally get bored with the relentless onslaughts of unnecessary CGI. First Man of Steal Your Money, and now this? Hollywood needs to realize that special effects do not a movie make.

Bye!

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY

HEEEY, IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! AMERICA! F**K YEAAAAAAAA! Yes, on this historic day, The Declaration of Independence was signed (even though every signature was not collected on July 4th). Still, it's a great holiday. I watched National Treasure to get me in the spirit of American history, and then sat down for Independence Day, Roland Emmerich's greatest film and the greatest disaster movie ever made. For my full list of the best all-American July 4th movies, click HERE.

And it's a good day for America in more ways than one. In fact, it's been a good few weeks. Because the Supreme Court, in one of the most randomly intelligent decisions they have ever made, has overturned DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) and allowed for federal recognition of gay marriage for the first time in US history.

I know, I know-- I'm a little late on this one. Frankly, I'm enjoying my summer just a bit too much, and I've been watching movies endlessly into the night. So my usual blogging schedule has been thrown off drastically. I think this happens every summer, though... but who gives a shit. Apparently, I can take any news story and make it about me. So, GAYS CAN GAY MARRY! PRAISE THE LAWD! And now we can finally put to bed this long and utterly pointless conversation so that Republicans can stop delaying the inevitable and get on the right side of history... right?

WRONG. Within minutes of this story being reported, those f**king nuts were at it, screaming at the TV, in the streets, and on their radio shows. But screw them, they're bigoted assholes. This is not a time to cater to the crazy people of the land.



Yep, you would fall quite comfortably in that category, Rush.

Anyway, this is a big step forward for civil rights around the world. In fact, France recently legalized gay marriage as well. Of course, people took to the streets there and essentially 'stormed the Bastille' in hopes of ending la menace gay. But you know what they say. C'est la vie.

In other news, I'm getting ready to go on a trip to Oregon, during which I will visit Crater Lake, lava beds, and an enormous f**king swimming pool. This shall be a much-needed getaway. I've heard it's amazing; as long as you can get your indecisive and religiously cheap dad to decide on where to stay and what to eat while you're up there. Ten bucks says he eats nothing but salmon the entire trip.

Bye!

Comment Wars

I have been completely distracted from my regularly scheduled blogging regimen recently, and for that I apologize-- but I've been working at the library, coming up with an idea for my Summer Engagement Project, finishing off a book for school, watching any and every movie I can possibly get my hands on, and generally plotlining extensively hard.
Graham Vert
However, I am F**KING PISSED THE LIVING F**KING HELL OFF. Yep, you thought I had calmed down recently after the whole Millennial Time Magazine cover-- NOPE! In Texas, a teenager named Justin Carter has been put in jail for F**KING NOTHING. He was arguing over League of Legends on Facebook (which, actually, is a crime in and of itself), and someone called him crazy. He responded by sarcastically saying "Oh yeah, I'm crazy, I'm gonna shoot up a school full of kids and eat their still-beating hearts jk lol"

And of course, the comment has been taken completely out of context by a media whose goal is to spread hatred and distrust for 'kids these days' and a police department trying to remain politically correct. But guess what, people-- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY, INEXCUSABLY, UTTERLY F**KING MORONIC. This is worse than the kid who bit his Pop Tart into the shape of a gun and was suspended. Carter has been in jail since April now, just for writing a Facebook comment. He never committed a crime.

So in the interest of showing that NOBODY is without sin on the internet, I've compiled a list of my favorite comments of mine from my movie-reviewing website, Rotten Tomatoes. As you may recall, this is the site that had to disable individual comments on critic's reviews back in 2012 because the critics were getting too many death threats for not liking The Dark Knight Rises. We haven't come far since then. So, without further ado, here's my LIST OF MY BEST ROTTEN TOMATOES COMMENTS!!!

1) After being told I was a 'flaming homosexual' for not liking Hugo, I proceeded to respond: "Flaming homosexuals are only found in Africa, where gays get their limbs hacked off, gasoline poured over their heads, and set on fire." See how that could be taken the wrong way... OUT OF CONTEXT? But I'm not worried about being sent to jail, seeing as nobody reads this blog.
2) After someone said they didn't like Die Hard, I said "I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF A BUILDING." Too far? Maybe. But it's a reference to the movie. At the end (spoiler alert), John McClane drops Hans Gruber out 32 stories. Someone who didn't get the reference might have thought otherwise, however.

I couldn't find many more, but I think that those are two pretty good examples. However, I have to admit-- usually when I'm on Rotten Tomatoes, I try to post constructive and evaluative comments. Like "YOU ARE THE ANUS OF THE WORLD" or "I MUST BE THE COEN BROTHERS 'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT BURNED AFTER READING!!!"

Anyway... normally I just troll the forums for people who liked crappy movies like Hugo or Up, but it doesn't sound like Carter was doing that AT ALL. But it's pretty difficult to convey sarcasm over the internet. Usually, you just have to either take the person's word for it or practice some READING F**KING COMPREHENSION SKILLS.

Bye!