Affordable Brain Aneurysm

Well, I've done another weird thing for school... I had to draw an Immune System Diagram for my biology class, and it had to be accurate and scientific. However, we were allowed to use anything we wanted as icons to represent the cells, viruses, antibodies, etc. So I decided to create a diagram in the spirit of Caging. Caging, for those of you who aren't up to date on your memes, is the practice of photoshopping Nicolas Cage's face onto random things. If you're confused about why this is hilarious, click HERE. Anyway, I drew Nic Cage's immune system, with little Nic Cage faces (which I drew myself) drawn to represent the cells. The Macrophage became the Macrocage, and the viruses became bees. If THAT confuses you, two things: Watch The Wicker Man, and click HERE.

But as funny as Nicolas Cage's face on random shit is, I can't devote an entire blog post to it. Which is why, to celebrate the Democrat's incredible victory on the debt ceiling battle, I decided to sign up for Obamacare online. As you may know, the website that people are supposed to use to sign up for the Affordable Care Act has been beleaguered by criticism ever since it was opened a few weeks ago. The server goes down occasionally, the connection is weak, the process is convoluted, and even the calculator doesn't work. Really? You'd think that they could have gotten that right. Because, you know... they're friggin' everywhere.

Anyway, I signed up for Obamacare yesterday, but I don't fully remember what happened. Fortunately, I had a video camera and audio feed recording everything that happened, which I then rewatched and wrote a running commentary on. The pros? I got in. The cons? Well... here we go...



00:05-- Within five minutes, I turn on the computer, make a cup of coffee, crack my knuckles, and get ready to fill out some forms.
00:09-- After a few Google searches, I finally locate the website. Huh. You'd think that would be a little easier...
00:10-- Click on website.
1:17-- Website loads.
1:20-- One hour in, and this website is beginning to test my resolve.
1:27-- After stabbing my computer screen repeatedly with a kitchen knife, I click on the right link. This immediately downloads 5,000 gigabytes of malware and viruses onto my hard drive.
1:42-- Wipe cookies. Note: This is not the last time I will have to do this.
2:04-- Smash coffee cup out of pure anger and desperation.
2:35-- Click the correct link (finally). I am greeted with a form in English, which for some reason goes into Spanish and then French. What the hell? You have to be trilingual just to read the directions.
2:52-- "Glitch" in the system lists my cat as my father-in-law.
3:09-- Cookie wipe #2.
3:18-- The accursed spinning beach ball of death.
3:20-- System requires immediate payment of  "1 (one) arm and 1 (one) leg, to be mailed to your local government office accordingly and filed."
3:25 to 3:48-- In the garage with the ol' hacksaw.
3:51-- A quick re-read of the form makes me realize that the website asks for your NON-dominant arm. Shit.
4:00-- Bleeding out. Healthcare is, sadly, not helping me much here.
4:20-- Blaze it.
4:32-- Cookie wipe #3.
4:45 to 4:57-- Mostly screaming, accompanied by fits of unbridled rage. The keyboard gets thrown out the window.
5:12-- System finally makes my account. Oh, joyous day.
5:13-- System unfortunately listed my first name as "Ghram." Never mind; pressing on.
5:24-- After spinning my head around Exorcist-style for eleven minutes, I projectile vomit all over the room.
5:40-- System creates health care plan for me, at long last. It will cost $613 a month, up $613 from my previous health care plan, "Do whatever the hell you want and go to the ER if you get sick."
5:52-- My laptop, already under extreme duress, catches on fire.
6:02-- Pass out.

The moral of the story? Yes, it IS possible to sign up for Obamacare! It's just really, really, really, REALLY time-consuming, painful, and mentally scarring. Anyway, I'm going to bed to rest my tired limb. 'Night!