Don We Now Our Alternative Lifestyle Apparel

Good evening, everybody! Well, my blogging schedule has been disrupted by schoolwork yet again, and this time it's because of three hand-drawn maps for History, a 10-page essay, a math test, and a poem I have to memorize... not to mention that finals is next week. I'd slit my wrists, but I'm afraid I'd get blood all over these beautiful maps I've drawn. I'll upload pictures of them sometime, but let's just say that I had fun. I enjoy drawing maps, and it helps that this project is on a subject I actually care about: Film. So it's not as bad as it could be. For instance, I could be writing about Algebra...

Anyway, it's CHRISTMASTIME!!! So get ready for a lot of butthurt Catholics to scream bloody f**king murder about a fictional war on Christmas. Also, avoid malls for the next month unless you enjoy getting stuck in gridlock traffic and being trampled to death by angry shoppers, all while listening to the most obnoxious music known to man. I try to avoid other people during this time of year, especially psychotic religious fanatics who think that you're a communist if you don't have a Christmas tree. But also because of shit like this:

You may have noticed the conspicuous lack of a certain word here. Apparently, Hallmark (the company that made this atrocity) didn't think the word "gay" applied in this context, as gays usually have good taste in clothes, and wouldn't be caught dead in this genocide of a sweater. At least, I wish the explanation was that simple. Actually, Hallmark didn't think that anyone would want to walk around with the word GAY plastered across their chest. But they made one fatal mistake: They thought that people would actually buy a sweater this ugly, regardless of the shit written on it. And this brings me to yet another reason why I hate Christmas: Bad sweaters.

But really, the whole logic behind this decision is flawed. When you see this sweater, you notice that it doesn't have the word "gay" on it, and that puts the word in your head. That's the WHOLE POINT of saying a word: Putting it in someone's head. So even if it doesn't say "gay," it implies it. And to the gays who are pissed off about this: Who cares? Do you really want to be associated, even incorrectly, with something this disgusting? Jesus Christ, what kind of a sick maniac would BUY something like that? Aaaaaargh...

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, this is a perfect argument for a national fashion police: To hunt down people who wear these things, tranquilize them, and remove them from the larger population. Same thing goes for guys who wear polo shirts. And ironic glasses. And skinny jeans. And fedoras. And "Save the Rainforests" t-shirts... actually, I'll make this simple: HIPSTERS MUST DIE.

Bye!

Xmas

IT'S CHRISTMAS, whoop-dee-f**king-doo. It's the most cynical time of the year, and so instead of devoting this blog post to religious crap, Bible stories, the birth of some guy who may or may not have even existed, and raging about an imaginary 'War on Christmas', I'll talk about my TOP TEN BEST CHRISTMAS FILMS OF ALL TIME!!!

1) DIE HARD: One of the greatest films ever made, and the definitive holiday action classic. John McLane wreaks havoc on bank robbers in one of the most action-packed, highly volatile movies of all time. My personal second-favorite movie of all time, with Alan Rickman perfectly cast as a European terrorist. A must-see.

2) DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER: Not quite up to the quality of the original, but still a great film. Again, Bruce Willis as John McLane has to prevent terrorists from blowing crap up, which he does by blowing even MORE crap up. Not quite as much a 'must-see' as the original.

3) ELF: Will Ferrel's momentary venture into Christmas movies turns out to be a fantastical success, with such memorable lines as "If you see gum stuck to the ground in New York City, it's not candy." Ferrel injects his usual trademark gross-out comedy into an otherwise nostalgic movie. It's funny, and (for those of you with kids in your household) doesn't feature nearly as many f-bombs as Die Hard.

4) FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE: Not a Christmas MOVIE per se, but it has Futurama's infamous Robot Santa Claus and his Xmas Eve Slay Ride in it. Not to mention a bunch of nudist alien computer scammers who cheat Earth out of all of its valuable artifacts by sending Bender back in time using a rub-on time code found on Fry's ass. It was bound to be somewhere.

5) IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Yeah, so this is NOT a great movie, but for my... older... readers, it might be fun to see a black-and-white movie where racial undertones run deep. Still, it's not easy to think of 10 great Christmas movies, seeing as they're all so F**KING ANNOYING.

6) A CHRISTMAS STORY: It's not Elf, but it's still a funny movie on occasion. Typical 80s movie fare, with a little bit of Ferris Bueller's Day Off in it (though not nearly as funny). If you don't have your heart set on watching a Christmas movie, watch Ferris Bueller instead.

7) THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL: My list has taken a definitive turn for the worse here, but in all seriousness, everyone should have to see this movie at some point in their lives, just to feel my pain. This'll remind you not to expect too much of the three new Star Wars films being released sometime in the next decade.

8) A CHRISTMAS CAROL: Ebenezer Scrooge was WAAAY ahead of his time (Are there no prisons? No workhouses?) I love that guy. Even a century or so ago, he was still able to figure out that Christmas had become a massive commercial enterprise that sucked up all the money from whoever had any.

9) HOME ALONE: I haven't seen this movie in a while, but I remember it being funny. Of course, I was probably eight years old.

10) THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: The rare Tim Burton outing without Johnny Depp is something to be treasured. It's a musical, yes, but a very well-animated one. Woah... what if Tim Burton just made a movie called 'Johnny Depp'? Plot twist: Johnny Depp is played by Helena Bonham Carter.

Anyway, that's my epic Christmas movie list. Watch 'em all if you want, but I warn you, I take no responsibility for the suckiness of numbers 2, 5, 6, 7, and 9. All the others should be enjoyed at least a little. Plus it's fun to put on 'It's a Wonderful Life' and find out which people in your family are communists.

Bye!

Fun on a Gun

So, the world didn't end. Of course, I knew it wasn't going to AAAALLLL along... but that's all in the past. I did, however, have my parents open their presents yesterday, just in case. I bought my mom a copy of O Brother, Where Art Thou and my dad a DVD set of Led Zeppelin's live performances. So now he's blaring the damn thing on the TV 24/7.

Therefore, I had to get away from it all to blog. I had a fun doomsday; I single-handedly took over the world in Risk, I put my new MAD Magazine posters and Corvette banner up in my room, and I watched The Wrath of Khan... again. When Spock dies, it's a helluva thing. The saddest moment in film history. F**k you, Old Yeller.

But there are more pressing matters to attend to, specifically: THE NRA!!!


Yes, that is the official graphic I will be using whenever I mention the NRA from now on. Because they just suggested that, to solve problems like school shootings, there should be armed police officers in every school. Yeah, that's right--- EVERY F**KING SCHOOL.

I could go into great detail about how this would create a 'hostile learning environment' for those of us not blessed with a high school graduation yet. But in reality, we'd probably end up just annoying the damn police officers to the point that THEY start shooting things up. I mean, they'd have to sit through DAY after DAY of listening to people yell 'SWAG' and 'YOLO'. They'd snap like a toothpick.

I can just barely tolerate it because I'm 15. But adults? Oh, no. I don't want them armed and dangerous while being pissed off by teenagers. It's DEFINITELY not safe.

Bye!

Tragedy is a Warm Gun

Hey, does anyone else HATE Christmas music? I swear to Jesus Christ, every damn mall is playing one of those dumbass songs now. Maybe that's why there was a shooting at a mall in Oregon this week. Plus a guy committed a patricide with a bow and arrow last week. And if that's not enough, today a school in Connecticut was attacked by a gunman. 26 people were killed, along with the gunman's mother.

Unlike most Democrats, I'm not completely anti-second amendment. But I do think that allowing people with mental damage to own assault rifles is ABSOLUTELY F**KING MORONIC. Has it really gotten to the point where someone with a 38 IQ can walk into a sporting goods store and buy a Kalashnikov? Son of a bitch...

However, this still will never convince me and others that NO ONE should be allowed to own a gun. Sure, we can make laws stating that felons, minors, the mentally disabled, and others can't own firearms. But one day, one of those people are going to find a way to get a gun. And when they do, wouldn't you like to hear a story about someone shooting BACK and preventing a massacre in the first place? Yeah, I'm still waiting for that to happen.


But so far, that's only happened in TV and movies. John McLane will stop an enormous robbery, or Jack Bauer will thwart a terrorist attack. But in real life, I defy you to name a single instance when people have stopped a mass shooting with their own gun.

So, rack these two up in the files of shootings here in America. Columbine, Gabrielle Giffords, Aurora... and now two of these in one week. Not to mention George Zimmerman. When is this damn country going to get it straight that not ANYbody can own a gun? There are some people in my NEIGHBORHOOD who I wouldn't trust with a rusty spork, let alone an Uzi! And you expect me to tolerate this ridiculous s**t?

So, yeah. Everybody, this is the time for a LOT of petitions to go through to the White House. Even some Republicans are on the fence after the events of today. So, Obama? If you're reading this, the next thing you need to do: Renew Clinton's ban on assault weapons. How long is it going to take before we learn something from this?

My usual farewell doesn't coincide with the morose tone of this post, so GOOD-F**KING-BYE.

Pursuit of the Americone Dream

Okay, here's something that's pissing me off: Ice Cream. Stephen Colbert has his own flavor (Americone Dream), and a bunch of other people are getting their ice cream customized as well! So why not me? I run a semi-famous, non-profitable blog operation! By the way, I bought some 'Americone Dream'. It's f'n good.

I've already begun major design plans for my ice cream flavor. It has huge cookie dough chunks and sweeps of caramel. All it needs now is a name. Fortunately, there are several possible plays on my name. How about 'Kilograham of ice cream'? No? Okay... 'Grahamazon Rainforest'? 'Grahambo'?

You think of something.

Because of the digital camera I got for Christmas, I've been able to shoot a few film projects. The first one was called 'In Search of the Albino Bongo Man'. In it, I see a strange albino playing the bongos in my hallway. When I do a double take, he's gone. I then follow him through the house to the upstairs, where he jumps out the window. I then get teleported outside, where he kills me. Creepy. I'll try to upload the video, but the file is MASSIVE. It takes up 18 gigabytes.

Me and my friend Willp were talking today, and we decided that words in the English language should really be spelled the way they're pronounced. We started with the word knowledge (nollij). I think this could really help everyone out on spelling tests.

Bye!

Cynical Christmas

'Sup, people! As you recall, I vowed that I would do 100 blogs in 2010 and no more. Well, I just can't keep that promise. Too many things have happened, and I'll be posting about them for the next few days in order to catch up.

First off, this is officially my 200th post! WHOOOO! And secondarily, winter break has started, and I am in full relaxation mode. I decompressed every nerve ending in my body individually and collapsed in a beanbag chair for eight hours. When I woke up, everything had changed and nothing would ever be the same again.

WE control the horizontal. WE control the vertical.

Anyway, I am currently in heaven. I have two weeks off and a growing pile of presents in the guest room.

This year we don't have a Christmas tree, not like that's a big deal. My family has a long and proud tradition of not buying ANYTHING. When my dad's old Volkswagen Rabbit died, it took him almost four years to finally buy a new car, our Volvo S40.

This is the third year in a row we haven't had a Christmas tree, and before that we just took an old potted pine tree in from our backyard and stuck a few ornaments on it. The tree died in 2007, and we've never had a tree since then.

Now that I think about it, we don't decorate at all. The only decorations we have up now are a few lights we strung around the windows. For Halloween, we didn't even carve pumpkins. We don't really get to worked up over holidays.

Then there are people like our neighbors down the cul-de-sac who, if they thought people would go along with it, would have a decoration contest every December. It's these kinds of social people who make me sick.

And another thing: the phrase 'Merry Christmas.' No one's 'merry' anymore. We should have a more fitting holiday greeting than that.

Hence, this post's title:

Cynical Christmas.

Bye!

Shoplifting...

QWERTYUIOP!!! Hi, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog! I just returned from a terrible experience, trying to redeem my gift certificates and return some shmuff I got for Christmas. I won't elaborate.

Okay, I will.

I tried to buy a DVD of Watchmen: The Movie. When I opened it, there was nothing inside. How shmuff. Someone had stolen it. And then we had to wait in a massive line to return it and get a refund. Oh, and then we tried to return something at Kohl's and got in the wrong line. I hate people. They are so evil.

I hit my 250th cartoon on Funny Times. Click HERE to visit Funny Times' Cartoon Playground and create some cartoons of your own using some of Matt Wuerker's click and drag drawings.

Also, today's feature is one I haven't used in a while: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT! As you remember, just highlight the following blank space to see the spoilers. If you don't want to see spoilers to Sherlock Holmes: The Movie, then just skip it. Here we go: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT!

The Sherlock Holmes Movie gets 8 1/2 out of ten stars. It was shmuffing good. The only bad thing is that Moriarty doesn't get too much of a role. But it was set up for a sequel when Moriarty stole part of Blackwood's cyanide machine. As it turns out, Blackwood never used any magic. It was all a big scam to get put in power, like McCain choosing Sarah Palin.

There you go. This was a short blog, but what are you gonna do?

Bye!

Simply Singing a Terrible Christmas Song

SHAZAM!!! Hello, followers, visitors, and people who were surfing the internet and stumbled across this blog! Christmas is over, so here's the official list of what I got for Christmas. This is only an abridged version, so: if you are a relative or friend who gave me something, and you don't see it up here, I DID GET IT: I just need to hurry so I can do a long-ish blog today, unlike my previous ones.

A bunch of DVDs, including Revenge of the Fallen and the Jurassic Park 3 DVD set.

A copy of Lego Indiana Jones

A copy of Watchmen why so shmuffing serious?

A lot of Mythbusters DVDs and books (I can't believe that the computer's spellcheck doesn't recognize 'Mythbusters').

That was the abridged version of my Christmas gift list. Here's what I gave OTHER people:

For my dad: A CD of 'Foo Fighters'. Yes, that's an actual band.

For my mom: A copy of M*A*S*H season two.

For my grandpa: Another CD, I just can't remember what of.

For my aunt: A DVD of Robin Williams live on Broadway.

And for me, a copy of the STAR TREK MOVIE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, there's my list of Christmas gifts here. I'll blog you soon.

With Liberty and Health Care for all

IT'S SHMUFFING CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Obviously, you're all as excited as I am, but I am much more so, because I GET TO OPEN MY VERY FIRST PRESENT TODAY!!!! AND TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!

I am in kid heaven. At least, 12 year old politically savvy kid heaven, because the senate JUST PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL!!! HOLY FU...DGE. Obama has passed a bill that was waiting to be approved around Roosevelt's time!!! Holy shmuffinheimer!!! Of course, it was passed without a single idiot... I mean, Republican vote.

So, Glenn Beck's fearmongering, Sarah Palin's outright stupidity, Rush Limbaugh's fat-ass racist comments, the teapartygoers, Dick Cheney, George Bush, and FOX news all combined could not stop SUPER-BAMA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway, my grandpa is coming over to spend a couple nights for Christmas, so I need to keep this one short (again). I'll simply end this with a pearl of anti-wisdom. Bye.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... so we're supposed to surrender to Bin Laden?

P.S.---- I'm going to upload a link to one of my favorite FT cartoons, made by me. No, I am NOT doing this to heighten my blog count. Um... okay, I am.

Spaz Out!!!

Aiooop!!! Hello, currently incarcerated homicidal maniacs! Today's blog is going to be short, in the spirit of 'I want to make 100 blogs before the year is out', so here we go:

I don't think I've told you, but sometimes, the human body is prone to spaz outs. A spaz out is when someone experiences a moment of no self control. Spaz outs can vary from jumping up and down yelling 'OOOHHHH, MY BANANA PEEL' to randomly saying 'koop' and then grinning while blinking rapidly. People who have these spaz outs are called 'Spazzes', and they are the subject of today's BETTER KNOW A SPECIES.

My friend, _______, is a spaz, so I always get a front-row seat on the latest form of spaz out. For instance, the other day, he yelled 'My butt is bulging!!!' and then rolled around on the floor. _______ the Whacko (the guy who was expelled for trying to kill the teacher) was an extreme spaz. I have miniature spaz outs, too, but none too weird.

And now, the ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN is advanced one day. Only three days until CHRISTMAS and only TWO DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE, THE DAY I OPEN UP MY FIRST PRESENT!!!!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: I'm not going to repeat myself!!!

This was today's amazingly short blog. Also, It has been blog #98!!!! I'm almost there!!!

Bye!!!

Better Know a Species

Okay, everyone. The year's events are all beginning to come together. The Health Care Bill will be voted on (and, hopefully, passed) on Christmas Eve. Also, this is my NINETY-SEVENTH BLOG!!!! Which means that in 3 blogs, I will hit 100. I'm trying to do a blog every day from now until Christmas Eve, in honor of the Health Care Bill's 'rite of passage'.

I'm introducing a new feature, ripped off from Stephan Colbert. He made 'Better Know a District', where he travels around the US getting to know congressional districts better. So my new feature is 'Better Know a Species', where you get to know the human genus better as I explain different branches of it. Today's genus: Lone Psychos!!!

Lone Psychos are a difficult species to catch on tape, so I laid a stucco wall trap for them. Soon, thousands of Psychos had gathered to tear the stucco off. Here is a photo that I got from that elusive encounter:

Um.... fine. So, anyway, after the Lone Psychos swarmed the wall and removed all the stucco, they finally ate each and every one of each other. The last one standing cannibalized

himself. No wonder this species is going extinct.

And also, it's the first day of winter!!! My butt is bulging! Sorry, that was a spaz out. And

that means that it's time to advance the 'ol ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!!! Only three days until CHRISTMAS EVE, and that means we have only three days until CONGRESS VOTES ON THE HEALTH CARE BILL!!! WHOOOOOO!!!! And we have four days until CHRISTMAS DAY! HOW SHMUFF!!!

This was a short blog, so here's another guest blogger feature! This is my friend, _______. He moved to another school two years ago and loves all animals besides dogs.

On Saturday I participated in the Christmas bird count. We got a total of 103 species. Our old leader Mike retired this year so our new leader was Andy. We only had five counters this year. But we covered 20 miles.

That was a guest blogger. I'll blog soon.

Is Our Global Warming Waning?

LUMPENHEIMEN!!! Wow, the computer's spellcheck recognizes that word! I had no idea!

Everyone, I've been sick for a couple days now, and I think I have some catching up to do on some things you may have missed.

First off, celebrated Funny Times cartoonist Eric Per1in has now made over 1,000 cartoons! Yeah, Eric! For those of you who don't remember, Funny Times is a newspaper devoted to cartoons and suchlike. It also has a website where you can make cartoons yourself. Eric Per1in is the first cartoonist to hit 1,000, so as a tribute to him, here's a link to his homepage on Funny Times.com.

Click HERE to see all of Eric Per1in's cartoons.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: We don't have a rat problem! utkfgouILGHiughUOUOUO> Sorry, a rat just ran across my keyboard.

Speaking of Funny Times, I am the 4th most prolific Funny Times cartoonist ever, after Eric Per1in, cta, and Elliemay. Other cartoonists include Konrad Schwoerke, Danger Dan, Yankees With Hope, and Sophie.

To see all of my Funny Times cartoons, click HERE. My pseudonym is Elephant Man. And no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic.

Also, I recently wrote a GREAT cartoon called the 'Funny Times Macarena', sung to the tune of the classic Spanish song, 'The Macarena'. My version includes brief, rhyming blurbs about the Funny Times cartoonists mentioned above.

And now, it's time to advance the ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!! I now have two days left until school ends, but Friday doesn't count, so it's really only one (on Friday we get to have a CHRISTMAS party). Also, I have to run an ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN correction. Last time I blogged, I said I had five days of school left until winter break. But since I was sick for two of those days, it was actually only three. We now return to our regularly scheduled ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN, already in progress...

Only 7 days until I get to open my first present, and 8 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!! Whoooooo!!!!! As I've explained before, our tradition is to open one present on CHRISTMAS EVE.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is the climate change summit in Copenhagen. Everyone, you should know that I believe fullheartedly in Global Warming. In fact, I believe in it so much, I use made-up words to prove my point. So even if some jackhole scientist was holding a cigarette lighter to the thermometer, I think Global Warming exists. It's just not as bad as we thought. Which brings me to Copenhagen, where the world overlords... I mean, leaders, are busy trying to figure out whether or not to save the planet. It's a difficult decision, so I am presenting THE PROS AND CONS OF GLOBAL WARMING RESPONSE. First off, doing nothing. The cons: By the year 2100, one million more species will be extinct, up to five billion people will suffer water shortage, Africa will be too hot to support life, 200 million people will lose their homes because of a three-foot water level increase, heat strokes and similar deaths will increase, and chunks of New York City will flood. On the pros, you get to keep driving your Hummer.

The pros of enacting strict fuel emissions laws: Nearly 600 million lives will be spared, species dependent on the ice caps, such as polar bears and walruses, will survive, and you can still go on an African safari. On the con side, you have to turn your Hummer over to your nearest cash for clunkers dealer.

I hope this helped you, world muckity-mucks. I'll blog you soon.

Shmuff Wars!!!

uyyyyyyyyyyyy. Sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. I just got up at 9:15 to do this blog, so I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

The only reason I got up so early on a weekend was because I haven't blogged for six days straight, and I'm trying to keep a minimum of ten blogs for the month of December. Speaking of December, here's my ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!!!

First off, only FIVE SCHOOL DAYS UNTIL WINTER BREAK! HOLY SHANOOBA!!!! This is, of course, excluding today and tomorrow, which I classify as being 'weekend'.

Then, my Christmas shopping starts tomorrow. How horrid. I love Christmas, but there's something I don't like about the whole 'giving' part. Last year I had to spend $80 on Christmas presents, and it ended up robbing me blind. This year, I'm thinking I'll just get some gift certificates with no money on them. When relatives ask me why I gave them useless pieces of cardboard and plastic, I'll just blame 'that stupid cashier'. Okay, I won't REALLY. I'd only do something like that if I was living out of a cardboard box.

Then, 12 days until Christmas Eve, when I get to open my first present. Our family has a tradition of letting everyone open one present on Christmas Eve, as long as it's from someone who isn't.... present.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for------- ONLY 13 SHMUFFING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!! WOOO-HOOOOO!!!! Now, If you're wondering what 'shmuff' means, then your guess is as good as mine. My friend ______ made it up, and according to him, it can mean anything you want it to. I usually use it in place of a cuss word, like I did just now, or I use it to mean 'stuff', i.e., 'I hope I will get a lot of shmuff for Christmas'. Other uses for shmuff include:

'I want to go over to your shmuffer'. In this case, shmuff replaces the word 'house'.

'Don't eat that shmuff'. Normally a parent, referring to the amount of chips you eat.

'But I really want this shmuffing thing!!!' A phrase I have a tendency to say a lot. If I really want something, I refer to it as 'shmuffing'. Here, shmuff takes the place of the word 'stupid'.

And now, here's a Christmas fun fact.

In Austria, people celebrate Christmas in a VERY different way. Besides dressing up as a mall Santa, people go in parades... dressed as a demon. Known as Christmas Krampus, this demon flies with Santa and flogs bad kids using rusty chains. But, of course, the weirdness of Austrian tradition won't affect me here in California, right?

We're shmuffed.

Bye!!!