Guys and Trolls

So, the White Hill idiot brigade put on another dumb play (see my previous post, Bad Acting Island). This one was Guys and Dolls, a play I only previously knew the existence of because George bought two tickets to it for Jerry in the Seinfeld episode 'The Outing'.

I know I've said it before, but the playhouse is SUCH a wreck. The ceiling is literally smothered in cobwebs, and you can see dust swirling around in the air. It's sickening. I spent the whole play doing three things:

1) Hoping a huge tarantula wouldn't land on my head anytime soon.

2) Sleeping. But unfortunately, my idiot friend kept shaking me and saying 'Hey, Graham, look! Eric's in the play!'

3) Hiding. My friend Ben sat next to me for the whole play, even though we were only supposed to sit with our homerooms. My evil, evil homeroom teacher kept peeking over and saying in his demented nasally voice 'Excuse me, you shouldn't be sitting here' to EVERYONE except Ben. My friend Luis got busted twice, once at the very beginning, and again at the intermission. There were some REALLY intense moments. Luis was RIGHT next to Ben and he didn't ever notice. He must have assumed Ben was Willp.

He even sat down on the stairs next to us. I was sure we'd be busted. It's like he was blind or something. Then I postulated the theory that he knew that Ben was there, but didn't move him just to mess with our heads. Fortunately for me, I was in the same car as the teacher, a black Dodge Dakota, so on the way back I asked him. Here's the transcript:

Me: Do you know who I was sitting next to the whole time?

Teach: Tayler.

Me: No, on my other side.

Teach: Why don't you know?

Me: I don't know his name.

Teach: Well, all the homerooms were sitting next to each other.

Me: Well, I'm really confused now.

So that goes to prove my point. This guy is totally out of it. As for the play, I just sat there eating Orange Head candy stuff and zoning out. There was some mention of Havana, and something about a mission. I asked someone later. It sounds like I didn't miss much.

Bye!

2011: A Space Odyssey

2011 is here. Whoop-dee-freakin' doo. I stayed up watching Seinfeld episodes, so the new year really got off to a good start with a few words of wisdom from Cosmo Kramer.

Actually, that's not such a bad idea. I think Kramer would make a great president. Of course, at international meetings, he'd keep raiding foreign diplomat's refrigerators. That could spark an international incident. So maybe not.

I have been asked to upload a picture of my insane cat, P-nut, to this blog, so here he is!

Sure, he looks innocent enough in this picture, but he will slice your guts open if you just look at him. He is cruel and evil. I have a suspicion that he plans on subjecting the entire human race as his everlasting slave empire. He will kill you. End of story.

So, why not get on his good side? Send $50 to PO box 566783 along with a sample of your scent, and I will get P-nut to smell it! Once he has done this, he will recognize your scent during his purge of all human life and spare you, under the condition that you become his pet.

Sleep well tonight!

Bye!

The Bus Nazi

I just had the most intense COD Black Ops match ever. We were having a ballistic knife battle (knives that can be fired from tiny barrels) and I was pwning ass. I nailed both of the people I was playing against in the head from 50 feet away and got a spy plane. Two of us were tied at the last second, and I said "Hey--- suck this". Then I stood up from my hiding spot in the bushes and nailed him in the head. Right then, the screen said GAME OVER. Goomba

Also, just to boost my ego, I played a one-on-one against the most incredibly sucky COD player ever. Needless to say, I kicked some serious butt: 1,150 to 200. I am so awesome, I even got an 11 kill streak, getting me a chopper gunner and nailing him from a helicopter.

I love this game.

My bus driver is insane.

We were on the bus and a person pressed the button for a stop. No one got off. The bus driver picked up the intercom and yelled "OKAY: WHO PRESSED THE STOP BUTTON???!!!"

A girl in the seat across from me said "Oh, sorry... that was me. I thought my friend was getting off here." Then the bus driver went insane. He just started yelling "I ONLY HAVE FOUR MORE DAYS OF PUTTING UP WITH THIS!!! ARRRRGH!!!" I whispered "And we're all so happy about that." Then he got on the intercom and yelled "EVERYONE JUST SHUT UP! SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UUUUUUUP!!!!!!"

There have been many, many other instances like this. He's secretly referred to as the Bus Nazi, a play on the Soup Nazi from Seinfeld. The Soup Nazi is a somewhat eccentric character who has a very complicated procedure in getting soup from his store. You have to walk in a certain way, state your order a certain way, and NEVER COMPLAIN. If you don't, he yells 'NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!' and you don't get your soup. Here's a pic of the Soup Nazi:

If you want to watch this episode click THIS link.

Bye!

Cliffhanger...

Oh my god. I just created the greatest series EVER on Funny Times. Click the following link to view it (but finish reading this blog first!!!)

CLIFFHANGER

Remember, read the cartoon in REVERSE ORDER. Start with page three and go to page one, since due to the odd setup of the playground gallery, the first page is the most recent 'toon.

Speaking of Funny Times, I recently passed the 750 cartoons mark. This means I have only 250 or so more cartoons until I hit the big 1,000. Only two 'tooners have hit 1,000: cta and Eric Per1in. I am SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!!

However, there is an enormous obstacle in my way: The reality of how long it takes to make 250 cartoons. That's why I've just been pumping them out recently. I went through five pages of cartoons in two days. That's 25 cartoons. Which means I had to do at least one cartoon for every waking hour of the past two days.

Speaking of waking hours, I recently realized something: If you live to be 80, you've only technically lived 40 years! That's because you were asleep for half that time! Now, of course, you ARE alive when you sleep, you're just not conscious. This means that you're only actually DOING anything for half your life (or if you're George Costanza, none of it).

That's all I've got. Bye!

Seinfeldian

Bonzaiiiiiiii!!!!!!!! Whooooo! I am INCREDIBLY pumped because I've found the ultimate website where you can watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF SEINFELD FOR FREE!!!!! It's incredible! Of course, I'm not gonna tell you the link. You have to find it for yourself.

JUUUUST KIDDING!!!!

Click HERE for the website.

I love this show.

Oh, yeah, that's my new media center. Here's what those reporters are saying:

"Yes, tonight on MSCBSBCBCNNBS, incredibly rich celebrity ______ ___________

took a drug known as _______ and threw a _____ through the widow of _______'s

Corvette."

More on this later.

Bye!

Insanity

Another tip on defeating telemarketers:

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Would you like a subscription to the New York Times?

Me: YES! (hangs up)

Of course, I took this one from Seinfeld, but it's still pretty good.

I'm about to go see the new movie 'Despicable Me' with one of my friends. Expect a review soon.

I had the STRANGEST experience the other day. Me and my aforementioned friend went on a hike and came back to my house. His parents picked both of us up (we were going over to his house to play the Xbox. He's been in Boston for two weeks, so I was going into withdrawal).

We were driving to his house when his parents saw a garage sale sign and followed it. We ended up at the garage sale, looking at some random stuff. His parents found this incredibly strange hat for free, so I took it.

Me and my friend went back to wait in his car. And then, something scary happened that I wish I could wipe from my memory:

We saw two little kids running around naked.

So we ducked down to hide our eyes from these insane little people.

Before I continue, I have to tell you something. My friend has a bunch of Halloween stuff left over in his car, including a fake dead body and a button that, when you press it, makes a screaming sound.

So, as I hid my eyes from the naked menaces, I bumped the button.

And the scream went off.

And a policeman looked in to see me wearing this crazy hat, looking somewhat shaken, with a 'dead body' in the backseat, with a rubber knife through its chest.

Apparently it had 'screamed' before it 'died'.

It looked very realistic.

It was not good.

CURSE YOU, NAKED BABYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Take the Monkey and Run

I hate monkeys.

I have always hated monkeys. It all goes back to an incident in which a monkey betrayed me. Him and all his primate friends. From then on, I've always despised them.

I have not told anyone about what happened in this incident. The details of it are too horrific to describe. Just remember: Whenever you see a monkey, he could do to you what he did to me.

On a lighter note, here's a link to a great YouTube video! It's a mashup of all the greatest quotes from the best TV show ever, Seinfeld! If you've never seen it, this should give you a taste of it:

100 Seinfeld Quotes

Ironically, there's an episode where a monkey throws a banana peel at a main character (Kramer). They're out to get us. Don't believe me? Watch 'Planet of the Apes'.

GET OUT OF MY SUIT, EVIL CHIMPANZEE! AND STOP ANSWERING MY PHONE!

I'll give that monkey his own if it's the last thing I ever do.

HEY! Here's an idea for a movie!

PLANET OF THE APPS

I'll have to remember to patent that.

Bye!