Mein Kampfy Chair

My class held a parliamentary debate over the Industrial Revolution today, and unfortunately, my group lost to the pro-capitalists. Of course, they had five people (including three sophomores, who had done these kinds of things before), and I was on a team with three freshmen, so... unfair much? Anyway, it's fine, because I've found another thing I'm good at: Arguing against or for anything and everything, whether I believe it or not. I'd make SUCH a good politician.

I'm also still reeling from my 500th blog post, which is quite a feat if you think about it. One day I'll print off all these posts, assemble them into a book, and put them in a box labeled 'For My Biographer.' I'm totally not self-absorbed...

But my incredible feat of pointless writing doesn't come close to matching the latest news stories this week. First, let's start in Pakistan, where the town of Abbottabad (the location of Osama bin Laden's compound) is going to be home to an amusement park. I can only assume that Disney is behind this... anyway, a lot of people don't think it's appropriate, and I tend to agree. It's like turning Auschwitz into a roller-coaster ride.


Actually, I think all Hitler was doing here was indicating that "YOU MUST BE ZIS HEIL TO ENTER!!!"

Continuing the news of the weird, the remains of King Richard III have been uncovered in a parking lot in England (or as they call it, a car park). Again, I have to say: England? WTF? First you drive on the wrong side of the road, then you use the metric system, and then you call soccer FOOTBALL??? This gives new light to the theory that Richard's famous last words were actually "A space, a space, my kingdom for a space!" I know I've said that a few times while trying to park in front of Target...

But what makes this really eerie is the way he was found. Apparently, someone walked over the spot and 'Felt a chill' or whatever. Creepy. And to top it all off, remember when the Superdome lights went out? Apparently the thing was built on a 19th-century graveyard. Sound familiar?

IT'S THE FRIGGIN' PLOT OF POLTERGEIST!!! THEY ONLY MOVED THE HEADSTONES!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAH.....

Anyway, I'm a little weirded out by the whole world at the moment. And the fact that I used a picture of Hitler on my blog doesn't help... But remember, I'm going to try to give a link to my novel about five guys going to kill him at the height of WWII. Still awaiting feedback from my English teacher... I wonder if I got a little too Tarantino-y in describing the way people's brains were blown apart.

Bye!

SEAL TEAM SIX!

Oh, hiya! The blog site's been down for a few days, so I haven't been able to blog. Also, I have basically nothing to say. So I'm going to give you an update on my stats!

My blog has officially been read in every continent on the planet (besides Antarctica)!!! I was missing Africa, but some wonderful person in South Africa read my blog (twice!). I am very, very content.

Well, there's not much going on in the news, besides the fact that we shot Osama bin Laden IN THE EYE. I hate massive stories like these that just fall apart five seconds after we hear about them because there's NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. It's so frickin' frustrating. I mean, it's all great and wonderful, but we need to get over ourselves. It's ONE GUY. Who, by the way, was sitting sunbathing right in front of us while we dicked around in the mountains of Afghanistan looking for him! EPIC FAIL.

Apparently, I was half-right: There won't be a Call of Duty: Pakistan Compound, but there WILL be a movie called 'Kill bin Laden'. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. We're never gonna shut up about this, are we?

What really fries me is that random reporters in Ireland and Germany are now whining about how we should have taken him alive, or shouldn't have conducted the raid in the first place. Are you s***ing me? They say that Osama is no longer a large part of al-Qaeda. First off, they have to swear allegiance to him when they sign up. Second, even if he wasn't, how can you say he didn't deserve what he got? He was the architect of 9/11! And, may I say, Public Douchebag #1!

Also, now Republicans are trying to take credit for the operation, saying it would have been impossible without Bush. Look. Many things would've been impossible without Bush. Many, many things.

God. Think of what would've happened if Bush had either not been elected or had a brain. But you cannot take credit for an operation that was ordered by Obama, carried out under the Obama administration, and was the direct result of Obama ordering the CIA to double its Osama-finding efforts as soon as he came into office! Which means it's time... for a limerick slam.

There once was a president Bush

Who we wanted to kick in the tush

He mispronounced words

He was SUCH a turd

Like a bug we all wanted to squoosh.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Bye!

The Campaign Promised Land

The Republican National Debate is tonight-- no one's showing up. I thought the field for a Repub candidate was already looking small at best, but this is just sad. Which means it's up to me to save the day (again). I've decided that I'm running for president on the Republican ticket!!! Not that I actually am a Republican, just that I'm trying to find the group of people that a 13-year-old Californian kid can beat! And I've found it. Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich. I'll say again- the job is PRESIDENT. Don't let the applicants throw you off.

Now remember: This is for REAL. Go to my blog's sidebar and visit my other blog, VERTPAC, for the latest updates on ME 2012: YOU'VE DONE WORSE. Also, you can click to donate to the me campaign.

For those of you unsure about donations, clicking on the sidebar doesn't force you to give money-- I've been told it doesn't even let you do that. But still, check it out.

When I get to sit in front of this seal, I'll uphold the constitution LIKE A BOSS! I'll kill Osama bin Laden! Uh... oops. That was all I had to run on. The rest of this blog was just me telling you the different ways I could pop him in the EYE! I really need to stop planning so far in advance.

Okay... well, how about this: I know some candidates make bogus 'promises' like "I'll end torture in Guantanamo Bay" or "I'll make America respected again". But I'm blogging to you at 11:55 PST in a bleary-eyed, drowsy state from my gigantic 'WE GOT OSAMA' party to tell you this. WHOO! Hangover. Where was I? Oh, yeah-- I make promises I can keep. If I am elected, I will be America's most recent president. And I can almost guarantee I will make many, many speeches far more important than this one.

That's called upholding the dignity of the presidency. Ball's in your court, Trump-- stunt candidacies are HOT now. Debate me or suffer my infinite wrath!

Bye!

THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!

And here we are... the final star test answers for CST version 7 mathematics! AFDHBGCFDGBGDJCGDFCHBGCJCHBFBHAF

You have no idea what I went through to get these. I had written all my answers down while taking the test, so I was done, and I was reading MAD magazine. But then my teacher came over and said 'Can I see that?' I whimpered 'Yeah...' Fortunately, he was talking about the test booklet, not the piece of scratch paper I had written the answers on. Phew. If he HAD seen them, he would have accused me of cheating.

Fun Fact: The thing he was ACTUALLY looking at was something I wrote on a blank page that said 'THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL'. I had then written DUH in gigantic letters below it. And I camouflaged my answers by writing them on the other side of my turned-over paper. Another fun fact: on the reverse side, I had drawn a guy holding up a sword yelling 'THIS IS SPARTAAAA!'

It's time. Time for CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE III: MISSION TO PAKISTAN. It'll be epic. The final level: find and kill Osama bin Laden while dodging bodyguards using human shields.

Unfortunately, this might be met with some distain. But not nearly as much as my other idea for a Vatican zombie map. The pope summons up bishop zombies through the marble floor. They throw crosses at you. Nice.

If these people can't laugh at themselves, I'll do it for them.

Bye!

<< My controversial zombie map

Osama bin Laden: Hide and Seek Champion, 2001-2011

Here are my STAR test answers for the CST Mathematics test (version 7). Read 'em and weep, California: DJCHBFBGDGAFCFCHDHDFBGCJBJBJDFBHAJCJAG. Wikileaks has NOTHING on this!

Everyone, the death of Osama bin Laden comes with even better news: We have another thing floating around in our oceans! YAAAY! See, Osama was buried at sea after DNA tests were run and his wife identified his body. So, let's put it up on the big board!

• Trash heap

• Three thousand... no, ten thousand... no, sixty thousand... oh, screw it, a hundred million barrels of oil.

• RADIOACTIVE WATER!!!

• The remains of New Orleans

• 63 Vertco Minotaurs (don't ask. Just don't ask).

• And now, the corpse of the (former) most wanted man on Earth! BOOM!

I know I shouldn't be so happy about someone else's demise, but I can't help it. If you watch The Daily Show, Jon Stewart's reaction is SO EPIC! He's practically whooping and cheering, and you can tell even THAT is reserved. It's such the fitting end if you watch his post 9/11 show. Colbert, of course, stayed in character and threw a 'WE GOT OSAMA' party.

And this is why I've officially decided that this picture, while somewhat crass, best represents my feelings toward this whole thing:

And on that note, bye!

Six Degrees of Osamanation

Here's something odd: Osama bin Laden's death was the same date as Hitler's death. Very weird. Fun fact: My friend Ben was born on the same day as Hitler. So was Muhammed. So Ben's either going to grow up killing millions or beginning a religion. Probably why our class voted him 'Most likely to be seen in the news some day'.

Ever since this whole thing went down, hell has frozen over. Cheney even congratulated Obama on getting him. But fortunately, we have a new group of people called the 'Deathers' to remind us that we're not dreaming.

These people believe we didn't actually get Osama. Hmm. At least the Deathers took the limelight away from the Birthers, who took the limelight away from the Conspiracy Theorists (CASTRO KILLED KENNEDY! YAAAAH!!!).

Speaking of birth certificates, Obama released his. Cool. In a three day period, all he had to do was say 'Here's my birth certificate. Here's Bin Laden. Screw you, Republicans'. Epic.

But still, nothing will satisfy Trump. And this from the guy with the biggest right to be satisfied in America. His own TV show, mansions, cars, trophy wives. This guy is, as he would say, HUGE! MASSIVE! FANTASTIC! INCREDIBLE! BIG! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE! ME!!!

It's unbelievable, all right.

Bye!

TRIUMPH!

I am calm. I will remain calm. All we did was kill Osama Bin Laden once and for all... FREEDOM! No-- I am calm. I am in complete control of myself. I don't need to UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE!!! over this. No. There's no point.

I mean, now we're even more susceptible to a terrorist attack. Somewhere out there, some guy in a turban holding an AK-47 is yelling 'No! Our great leader! You shall regret this, infidels!' Amazing. I never figured that killing Osama would cause that much of a problem.

Now, here's something else to think about: Obama's political career is completely salvaged. It took Bush eight years to fail. Obama has done it in three. This should shut the Republicans up, especially Donald Trump.

Speaking of which, click HERE to see the hysterical video of Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Also, you can go to the sidebar and look at Seth Meyers ripping on The Donald. It's funny, 'cause Donald keeps a straight face the whole time. He is physically incapable of laughing at himself. It's a shame-- if he actually does run for president, he'll have to get used to it.

It's a good thing Obama was able to maintain his cool through all this, 'cause I'M SURE NOT!!!

BYE!!!

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