True S***

I saw the new movie 'True Grit' yesterday, and man, it stank. It was actually okay until the last five minutes, which pretty much ruined the whole thing. It was one of those epilogue-y endings where we find out the main character lost an arm and another main character died. Not very uplifting. So, if you want, walk out when the main character falls into a rattlesnake pit. It all goes downhill from there. Here's a pic of True S***:

By the way, I'm totally dead. In science on Tuesday, we have a 90-minute period to write a thesis about a book we just read. It's called Raptor Red. Here's a pic of the cover:

We're supposed to come up with a statement and explain why we think that. Well, hell, I can't think of anything. It's not good. Then we also have an assignment due in history where we write a fictional story about an American hero from the past. Everyone did someone obvious like Lincoln or MLK, but I did Bob Woodward, the guy who busted Nixon. In MY story, Bob will be pursued by Nixon's goons in a car chase. Will he survive and publish the world-changing article... or won't he?

Anyway, our history teacher likes assigning things at the last minute. It annoys me. He says it's not TECHNICALLY weekend homework because it's due on a Tuesday, but it's impossible to complete without working on the weekend. I'll show him, though. I'll do a rushed, crappy job at the last second and get a terrible grade! That'll show HIM!

Bye!

Four Score and Seven Years from Now...

Something amazing has happened: I have been visited by my future self. He's gone now, but I secretly recorded our conversation so that I could publish it here. Here's the transcript.

Me: Woah, who are you?

Future Me: I'm you.

Me: Is this, like, a Spock moment?

Future Me: Yeah, that's right. I'm you from the future.

Me: Well, that's intense.

Future Me: Yeah...

Me: Want a cheeto?

FM: Sure. We don't have those anymore where I come from.

Me: Did the government outlaw them?

FM: No, we just ran out of actual cheese. The new artificial kind is awful.

Me: So, what time are you from?

FM: 2098.

Me: You look like you're 20 years old!!!

FM: Well, using artificial age retention, you can live an extra 60 years!

Me: Oh... So, what's life like 80 years from now?

FM: Here's a current map of the world. Did you know that Canada was once its own country, with its own system of government and everything?

Me: Yeah, that's the way it is now. Why is California its own country?

FM: In order for the US to have a nice even 60 stars on the flag, they granted California independence.

Me: What happened with South America there?

FM: Paraguay and Uruguay went to war over which one was 'guayer'.

Me: So, what do I become when I grow up? Cartoonist? Bounty Hunter? CEO?

FM: A janitor at the self-tying shoelace plant.

Me: Oh...

FM: Gotta go! Time travel is illegal, but I just wanted to warn you: Don't call your house 20 times today telling your parents to buy you an X-Box. They won't be happy.

Me: Too late. Come back five hours ago.

FM: Damn. (Space-time portal opens, out steps android).

FM: Wait! No!

Android: TIME TRAVEL IS ILLEGAL (zaps future me into small pile of dust).

Me: 'Sup.

Android: SEE YA (leaves).

Me: WTF!!!

Anyway, that's the whole transcript.

Bye!

G-force International

I was playing Scrabble the other day when I realized I was 32 points behind the lead (my mom). I panicked, and put down crazy words like 'mete'. That's a completely ridiculous word. I barely even know what it means.

Anyway, I won the game with 44 points for my historic play of the word 'pjet' (pronounced pee-yet). It stands for pulse jet, but I just like saying it that way. When I Googled it, my parents didn't look at the page long enough to see it was an abbreviation. MWAHAHA!

This game is really annoying. I only played this time because my parents let me use swear words and spanish phrases. 'Tarea' got me 18 points!

I just figured out how to check my blog's views. It has a chart of all the countries in the world and color-codes them depending on how many times people there have viewed my blog! So far, people in Brazil, Ukraine, the Netherlands, Russia, and Germany have seen my blog, and altogether 2,707 different people have seen my blog! WHOO!

I always liked Ukraine.

Bye!

Super Bowling...

THEY WOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Greenbay defeated the Steelers! I'm so happy, I could jump off a cliff. In a good way.

This means I get to go laugh in the face of everyone who supported Pittsburgh. The suckers. I laugh. Ha, ha.

But more importantly, the winner of this year's SUPER AD BOWL!!! This year, a 30-second ad cost five million dollars. There were a lot of finalists, including several Chevy ads and a few for Budweiser. But one stood out above all the others. Only one could rival the Doritos® ad from last year and the infamous talking babies! And the winner is...

Coca-Cola, for their spectacular border guard ad! I am now pleased to present the Vertco Official Trophy for Excellence in Advertising! Here you go, Coke people!

Last year, Doritos® won with their unbelievable ninja Doritos® assault ad. Google it and go to videos, or follow THIS link to my 2010 blog about the Superbowl and the Super Ad Bowl.

Bye!

Not Another Telemarketer!

Two more telemarketer stories:

Me: 'Sup.

TM: Yes, I'm calling on behalf of the Republican Party.

Me: Oh... well...

TM: I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Me: Yeah, we're eating dinner, and I really do like spastic leech lungs.

TM: Haha... um...

Me: SLEEP WELL TONIGHT!!! (hangs up)

Aaaah, fun. And here's the second one, which just happened six seconds ago:

Me: Yello!

TM: Could I speak to a Mr. Jerry Sacamano?

Me: Sorry, this is a wrong number.

TM: Really?

Me: Yes. This is Zontar, King of the Pig People. Snort, snort. (hangs up)

This is so much fun. Driving people insane is somewhat of an obsession with me. And I'm pretty good at it, too, as you may have noticed.

Bye!

Brace Yourselves...

You know what I hate? Dentists. I don't know why I should trust these shady creeps with my teeth. I'm sure half of the stuff they stick in your mouth is just for fun. They want to see how many gadgets they can shove down your throat before you say 'Okay, REALLY?' If we didn't do that, they might shove in a golf ball or something. Then they probably go into a back room and have a big laugh about it with all their dentist buddies. The turds. I despise each and every one of them.

Hence, I had to get braces yesterday. I fought like Rocky Balboa in Rocky I, though. And they deserved it. I took those air jets and shoved them up their nostrils. Suckers.

Anyway, off that topic. It annoys me. Something I'm REALLY looking forward to, though, is Sudan splitting in half! This year, we may have a brand-new country on our hands. A vote is going through on whether or not to split the largest nation in Africa into two parts. This is FANTASTIC news. The more countries there are, the better Vertco does. We buy put options on all the stocks of the new country, triggering a credit downgrade and instant bankruptcy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am evil.

Also, this new country needs a name, and since 'South Sudan' doesn't sound so good, I decided to submit some names of my own. TELL me this doesn't sound like a perfect name for a country: Maramast. It's beautiful. And if that doesn't work, how about Thioshinia? I practically have a dictionary in my head full of great ideas for country names. How about Hyporia? Maybe Iostaccia? So, all I'm asking is for 16 million dollars to be mailed right to me, and 'South Sudan' can have all the rights and royalties to a patented Vertco country name! Maybe Sorraj? Troiesque? Phiforia? OOH! OOH! I know! Turdistan!

Anyway, I defy anyone to come up with a better name than one of those. They're perfect. So I suggest that South Sudan buys one before some other country with a crappy name buys it first. Yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Moldova. You too, San Marino.

And the chaos continues in Northern Africa and the Middle East. Syria has shut down its citizen's internet connection, there are stirrings in Morocco and Jordan, and Algeria is freaking out as well. By the way, Jordan? You may need a name change. How about Arasachra? Kind of just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? ARASACHRA. Nice.

Bye!

Egypt: The One Next To Sudan

Well, my friend Ben has finally posted something on his blog that does not involve ripping me off or insulting me, so here's a link to his blog. It kills me to put this in. I don't know why I'm giving him the free publicity after what he said on it.

You know what? Screw it. I'll give it a few more weeks.

As you may have already noticed, I have tagged all my blogs. Now it's a snap to go find your favorites. Just click on a tag like 'Egypt' or 'Leekar', and you can see all the posts with that tag! By the way, 'Egypt' will take you to my blog about King Tut's 'Little Canopic Jar'.

Speaking of which, Egypt has finally accomplished something in the last 3,000 years! As you may know, Egypt, once a mighty empire that stretched down to present-day Ethiopia, hasn't done a damn significant or relevant thing since the time of the pharaohs.

Until now! Joining the club of North African Countries That Have Revolted Against Their Leaders in 2011 (Or NACTHRATL2011), Egypt has been thrust into turmoil after several riots more violent than a british football aftermath! By the way, the NACTHRATL2011 has more members than you may expect. Tunisia has gone through three dictators in a five-hour time span, there have been problems in Morocco, Palestine, and Saudi Arabia, and Jordan has laid off its entire presidential cabinet. And yes, I know Palestine, Saudi Arabia, and Jordan aren't in North Africa, but I needed SOMETHING to talk about.

Up until now, Egypt has been like one big museum that never changes its exhibits. I defy you to name off the top of your head one thing Modern Egypt has accomplished.

See? You can't. And you're obviously a very smart person because you've chosen to read this blog. So bravo, Egypt. It took you 3,000 years, but you've finally accomplished something of relevance that Caesar wasn't around to see. Now we need to have something happen in countries like Moldova and Uzbekistan, countries you did not even know existed.

Bye!