THIS IS SPARTAAAAA!

And here we are... the final star test answers for CST version 7 mathematics! AFDHBGCFDGBGDJCGDFCHBGCJCHBFBHAF

You have no idea what I went through to get these. I had written all my answers down while taking the test, so I was done, and I was reading MAD magazine. But then my teacher came over and said 'Can I see that?' I whimpered 'Yeah...' Fortunately, he was talking about the test booklet, not the piece of scratch paper I had written the answers on. Phew. If he HAD seen them, he would have accused me of cheating.

Fun Fact: The thing he was ACTUALLY looking at was something I wrote on a blank page that said 'THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL'. I had then written DUH in gigantic letters below it. And I camouflaged my answers by writing them on the other side of my turned-over paper. Another fun fact: on the reverse side, I had drawn a guy holding up a sword yelling 'THIS IS SPARTAAAA!'

It's time. Time for CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE III: MISSION TO PAKISTAN. It'll be epic. The final level: find and kill Osama bin Laden while dodging bodyguards using human shields.

Unfortunately, this might be met with some distain. But not nearly as much as my other idea for a Vatican zombie map. The pope summons up bishop zombies through the marble floor. They throw crosses at you. Nice.

If these people can't laugh at themselves, I'll do it for them.

Bye!

<< My controversial zombie map

Osama bin Laden: Hide and Seek Champion, 2001-2011

Here are my STAR test answers for the CST Mathematics test (version 7). Read 'em and weep, California: DJCHBFBGDGAFCFCHDHDFBGCJBJBJDFBHAJCJAG. Wikileaks has NOTHING on this!

Everyone, the death of Osama bin Laden comes with even better news: We have another thing floating around in our oceans! YAAAY! See, Osama was buried at sea after DNA tests were run and his wife identified his body. So, let's put it up on the big board!

• Trash heap

• Three thousand... no, ten thousand... no, sixty thousand... oh, screw it, a hundred million barrels of oil.

• RADIOACTIVE WATER!!!

• The remains of New Orleans

• 63 Vertco Minotaurs (don't ask. Just don't ask).

• And now, the corpse of the (former) most wanted man on Earth! BOOM!

I know I shouldn't be so happy about someone else's demise, but I can't help it. If you watch The Daily Show, Jon Stewart's reaction is SO EPIC! He's practically whooping and cheering, and you can tell even THAT is reserved. It's such the fitting end if you watch his post 9/11 show. Colbert, of course, stayed in character and threw a 'WE GOT OSAMA' party.

And this is why I've officially decided that this picture, while somewhat crass, best represents my feelings toward this whole thing:

And on that note, bye!

Six Degrees of Osamanation

Here's something odd: Osama bin Laden's death was the same date as Hitler's death. Very weird. Fun fact: My friend Ben was born on the same day as Hitler. So was Muhammed. So Ben's either going to grow up killing millions or beginning a religion. Probably why our class voted him 'Most likely to be seen in the news some day'.

Ever since this whole thing went down, hell has frozen over. Cheney even congratulated Obama on getting him. But fortunately, we have a new group of people called the 'Deathers' to remind us that we're not dreaming.

These people believe we didn't actually get Osama. Hmm. At least the Deathers took the limelight away from the Birthers, who took the limelight away from the Conspiracy Theorists (CASTRO KILLED KENNEDY! YAAAAH!!!).

Speaking of birth certificates, Obama released his. Cool. In a three day period, all he had to do was say 'Here's my birth certificate. Here's Bin Laden. Screw you, Republicans'. Epic.

But still, nothing will satisfy Trump. And this from the guy with the biggest right to be satisfied in America. His own TV show, mansions, cars, trophy wives. This guy is, as he would say, HUGE! MASSIVE! FANTASTIC! INCREDIBLE! BIG! IT'S UNBELIEVABLE! ME!!!

It's unbelievable, all right.

Bye!

TRIUMPH!

I am calm. I will remain calm. All we did was kill Osama Bin Laden once and for all... FREEDOM! No-- I am calm. I am in complete control of myself. I don't need to UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE!!! over this. No. There's no point.

I mean, now we're even more susceptible to a terrorist attack. Somewhere out there, some guy in a turban holding an AK-47 is yelling 'No! Our great leader! You shall regret this, infidels!' Amazing. I never figured that killing Osama would cause that much of a problem.

Now, here's something else to think about: Obama's political career is completely salvaged. It took Bush eight years to fail. Obama has done it in three. This should shut the Republicans up, especially Donald Trump.

Speaking of which, click HERE to see the hysterical video of Obama at the White House Correspondents Dinner. Also, you can go to the sidebar and look at Seth Meyers ripping on The Donald. It's funny, 'cause Donald keeps a straight face the whole time. He is physically incapable of laughing at himself. It's a shame-- if he actually does run for president, he'll have to get used to it.

It's a good thing Obama was able to maintain his cool through all this, 'cause I'M SURE NOT!!!

BYE!!!

<< A somewhat controversial new ad by Geico.

Modern Snorefare

I've finally figured out what's wrong with America these days.

We've finally run out of things to blow up.

Sure, we've got countries like Iraq, Afghanistan, and Libya that we can 'bomb some sense into', but no easily defined enemy. I think it all started when we invented the atom bomb. Once we could extinguish millions of lives in a split second, the whole idea of battling another country's army to see whose was the best seemed kind of old-fashioned.

Fortunately, we were able to innovate around the problem by creating wars on inanimate objects and abstract concepts! Match the person to their personal war:

A) Michelle Obama 1) War on fictional war on Christmas

B) Tipper Gore 2) War on Communism

C) The Reagans 3) War on Global Warming

D) Bill o'Reilly 4) War on Drugs

E) Al Gore 5) War on Terror

F) George W. Bush 6) War on Music Lyrics

G) Capitalists 7) War on Obesity

I'll give you the answers a few blogs from now. Bye!

England: Land of Engs

As we all know, the royal wedding was today (at around 3:00 AM). It's an admittedly rare occasion that we get to see vulgarity on that scale. The most sickening part was that, even in the midst of all this controversy (80% of Brits believe the wedding was a waste of time and money), two billion people reportedly tuned in to watch it. Disgusting.

The Daily Show did a report on the royal wedding with their senior British correspondent, John Oliver. During his time in London, he was able to interview an old lady with a strange hoarding complex and a crazy person who thinks people (oh, I mean 'commoners') should be honored just to clean up after the royal wedding. It's times like these when you wonder how humanity gets its pants on in the morning. The Daily Show segment can be accessed HERE.

I have to say, as an American, I think this whole royalty thing is a huge waste of time. All it truly is is a bunch of aloof, out-of-touch people in a centuries-old family trying to cling to the last scraps of relevance. It's sad, if you think about it. But what's sadder is that some people actually agree with them, and think the royals should continue being 'special' people. Sad.

But fortunately, there are some people who are standing up to this. Some brave Brits are going against traditions that were pointless to begin with. These people are...

THE REFORMERS.

Yes, The Reformers, bravely fighting against the evil forces of the... Royalcepticons. I dunno.

Fortunately, I was able to profit from the royal wedding in my usual way--- selling useless Vertco products (that may or may not be tainted with lead) to the unsuspecting populace. So far, I've grossed $60,000.

I love America.

Bye!

Attack of the Donald

Well, it's finally happened. Obama released his birth certificate two days ago, and now we in the news have a problem:

THERE'S NOTHING ELSE TO TALK ABOUT!!! AAAAAAAAGH!!!

Fortunately, Donald Trump came to our rescue with his ridiculous speech and black helicopter emblazoned with the Trump name. I guess he had it put there so he wouldn't keep forgetting it. In the interview, The Donald was able to deflect difficult questions like a pro. They bounced off of him like bullets off of Superman!

I'm such a nerd.

Anyway, Trump isn't finished by far. He has now declared a search for Obama's college papers. I don't think these people will stop until they uncover his sixth grade report cards. It's all part of Trump's plan to transform this country and change the White House into...

The Trump House and Casino resort. Yeah, that's right.

Am I the only one who finds Trump revolting? Not only has he slapped his name on everything from Atlantic City Casinos to collectable shot glasses, he's found a way to get free publicity out for the Trump name: run for president. The press HAS to cover him, because A) He's a celebrity, and B) He's running for the highest office in the country. And the more publicity he gets, the bigger the Trump brand/name/collectable shot glass market gets, and the more money gets delivered to whatever creatures that are living in his hair via pneumatic tube.

It's a vicious circle. And seeing that I, while on the very edge of relevance, am part of the press, I am bound by the secret media code of conduct to report on Trump. So here's my report: He is an unqualified, vulgar, over excessive human parasite who feeds off of media coverage and camera attention and uses his former glory as an obscenely rich a**hole and his TV show to work his name into every aspect of American life.

But that's just my opinion.

Bye!