Mosque-ito Coast

Hey, people! I've got an interesting topic for today, but first, another Funny Times cartoon, created by yours truly. Click the following to view it:

A Tale of "Fairness" and "Justice"

Today's topic: THE MOSQUE AT GROUND ZERO!!! Or as Republicans like to call it...

THE EVIL CREEPY SCARY NASTY MUSLIM TERRORIST OPERATIVE HEADQUARTERS!!!!

I'll let Bob Selkowitz explain.

AND NOW... AN OLD REPUBLICAN RANT FROM BOB SELKOWITZ!!!!

It's official. The terrorists have won. We've just ended our combat mission in Iraq, and we're going to build a terrorist evil kill death murder center of doom and destruction right next to the doom and destruction that they created. It's stupid: I defy you to find a single Synagogue or Church in Mecca. So why should WE promote religious freedom if some random middle eastern country doesn't? Do YOU have a reason? Of course you don't.

You know, besides the whole constitution thing and that it says it in there. It's fine if REPUBLICANS violate the constitution. Let us crap on that stupid piece of paper all we want. But if evil socialist Kenyan muslim Hitler-reincarnation DEMOCRATS come anywhere near it, we'll BITE THEIR HEADS OFF!!!

Of course, they haven't yet. They're just defending it right now. Wow. Talk about old thinking. Let me explain:

Democrats? We're trying to make you the BAD GUYS. Which means that if you try to violate the constitution, we are allowed to say 'Obama and his evil liberal elitist terrorist pals are destroying America and everything that makes it great!!!' But unfortunately, you haven't tried anything yet. Here's the reverse: When us Republicans violate a few dozen amendments, it's no big deal. Wiretapping? Torture? Religious freedom? **** the constitution. We'll BURN the thing if that's what it takes. And remember: This isn't about racism. It's about SENSITIVITY TO THE 9/11 VICTIMS.

And that was Bob Selkowitz. Bye!

Higher Education (or in my case, the Seventh Grade)

Hello, people! You may have noticed that I no longer refer to you as random people who stumbled across this blog while surfing the web, and that's because YOU NO LONGER ARE! I HAVE FOUR FOLLOWERS!!!!!! Speaking of which, I need you to start leaving comments. I'M SO LONELY!!!

Sniff.

Anyway, I'm having a bad week, and it's only Monday. My annoying teachers have assigned homework that consists of drawing all the continents freehand. Big whoop. Just to show them up, I grabbed a piece of paper and drew all the continents, borders, countries, lakes, etc, etc, etc.

Have we really reached this point in time? Some people in my class don't know where Iraq is. I'm not saying everyone is like this, but is our actual expectation to have us know what shape AFRICA is in by the SEVENTH GRADE???? It shouldn't be. There are ADULTS who don't know were Iraq is. How can you be so entirely out of it? It's impossible. Or, at least, it should be.

There's a foundation in Colorado or someplace whose goal is to get kids reading by the third grade. OH MY GOD. This is SAD. If you can't read by the third grade, really, seek help. I was reading before I even started kindergarden. Wait... I didn't even go to preschool. I was homeschooled. Does this mean that a school in Colorado has lower expectations than a homeschooling?

It gets worse. A Texas school board has voted to keep Thomas Jefferson out of their textbooks. And because there is such a high demand for books in Texas, the company who is making those books is basing an entire regional shipment of books on that vote. Oh, yay. Now here in California, I'm gonna get books with a footnote that says "Tough luck, Tommy! Guess you should'a spent less time writing the Declaration and more time being truly American. 'Cause the Texas school board thinks you're a COMMIE!"

Oh, there goes my blood pressure beeper. Time to change topics.

It needs to be said, so I'll say it right now: Glenn Beck is an incredible asshole. I swear, it must take some sort of mental incapacitation to be as insanely stupid as he is. He thinks that we will truly believe that HIS speech on the Lincoln Memorial steps was not intended to be set on the exact date and location of MLK's IHADS (or Martin Luther King's "I have a dream" speech). He went on FOX the other day and said that he had no idea that he had randomly picked out of a hat those exact co-ordinates. SON OF A ****!!!!! Does he think all of America is as insanely demented as his followers? Maybe he does. Maybe we are. BUT I'M NOT!!! As far as I'm concerned, Beckie can go to hell.

There's the beeper again. I don't think that helped.

So, in conclusion, I am completely PO'd at everything and everyone around me.

Have a nice day!

Seinfeldian

Bonzaiiiiiiii!!!!!!!! Whooooo! I am INCREDIBLY pumped because I've found the ultimate website where you can watch EVERY SINGLE EPISODE OF SEINFELD FOR FREE!!!!! It's incredible! Of course, I'm not gonna tell you the link. You have to find it for yourself.

JUUUUST KIDDING!!!!

Click HERE for the website.

I love this show.

Oh, yeah, that's my new media center. Here's what those reporters are saying:

"Yes, tonight on MSCBSBCBCNNBS, incredibly rich celebrity ______ ___________

took a drug known as _______ and threw a _____ through the widow of _______'s

Corvette."

More on this later.

Bye!

First Day of Total S**t

My first day of the seventh grade was today. F***. I am now looking forwards to 179 more days of hell.

Because of this, I am currently extremely depressed. This is not a good day. In fact, it is technically the worst day of my life. Here's how my day went:

I got there and had pre-period PE, which is the only class that has one of my friends in it. Whoop dee doo. The teacher is like, INSANE, and he has a bunch of dreadlocks, but we're apparently gonna be playing tennis, and that means I can bring my $300 Wilson Hyper Hammer Racquet. Of course, it's almost definitely gonna get stolen.

Next, I had English class, with a very strange teacher who made a smacking sound with his lips whenever he talked. Like this: Well (smack, smack), class, I just wanted to (smack) ask you (smack smack smack) if you had a (smack) good (smack smack) summer (smack smack smack smack smack smack smack).

Then I had Spanish, and the teacher wasted no time getting to the lesson. Here's what I've already learned: El burro sabe mas que tu. It means 'a donkey is smarter than you'. Also, my hispanic friend told me how to say my classic catchphrase (eat it, kid) in Spanish: comalo, nino.

Then I had break, and ran into all my friends, practically none of whom I saw over the summer. Here's some dialogue from break:mi clase de espanol es muy aburrido!

Me: Hey, it's my favorite jackass!

Other guy: Shut it, moron.

Me: I missed you, you stupid idiot!

Him: Me too, you s***-brained asshole!

Aaaah, nothing like friends.

Next, pre-algebra, with the most mediocre teacher ever. It's impossible to get a read on him. As soon as I think I've decided on whether I like him or not, he does something that overrides that previous decision. Almost like he's telepathic.

Then I had science, which seems awesome (science always is, there's never that much homework). The teacher was really strange. He's 25 years old, so most of us can really relate to him, except for the fact that he had earrings and was wearing skintight jeans. Eek.

Not a good look for a teacher.

Then I had lunch, and discovered that my former favorite place to eat had been overrun by sixth graders. Fortunately, they're not to hard to intimidate.

Then, symphonic band, which is always great. I have the same teacher as last year, who's always experimenting with his appearance. He once shaved his head and grew a goatee. This is the norm in Marin County.

Then I had history with the same teacher as I had for English, who had now stopped smacking. Maybe he only does that in the morning. He's very strange. I've come to call him the tapioca of the White Hill teachers.

Then I took the bus home, and I was lucky enough to be assigned a bus with all my friends (except for the one in pre-period PE). Last year, they were really lax about that, and let us take whichever bus we wanted. The turd muffins. I enjoyed that.

Well, that's my first seventh grade experience. Adios!

The Flaking of Palin 123

Wheee! I just had a great sleepover at my house with one of my friends! We made prank phone calls (Hello? Subaru dealership? My Subaru doesn't love me!!!), watched The Taking of Pelham 123, and had a Seinfeld marathon. Yayyy! Oh, and I stole the title of this blog from MAD Magazine. I couldn't help it.

I've been playing a lot of chess recently. I may be what people call a chessnut. Har har har. Anyway, I just beat my mom twice and my dad once. What fun. I'm reeeally good at this game.

Here's a little tidbit of info you might like: call the following telephone number. I'm not gonna tell you whose it is:

*67-1-202-456-1414

Tell me who answers, it's gonna be good.

Bye!

The Worst Days of our Lives (part II)

Tell me, does this look suspicious to you?

That's Paula Deen, magazine owner, chef, and host human to a black oil alien. I don't want to eat anything SHE'S been touching, the alien probably told her to poison it. How do I know? Look at that smile. That is not a natural smile. Eek.

Anyway, I have a thoroughly disgusting story to report: I have recently been tortured to the farthest extent of the word. Here's what happened:

A: I have been coughing for two months. To test for whooping cough, I was given a shot and two long wires were wedged up my nose until they touched my brain. That was the most painful thing that ever happened to me.

B: I apparently need to get braces. Fortunately, my stupid retainer just was popped out. Wheee!!!

I am not going to go into any details, as it may cause some of my reader's intestines to burst. Let's just say I'm ready for school to start.

Bye!

Telemarketer Story

Yo! I just remembered, I got another telemarketer call yesterday...

Me: Yello!

Telemarketer: Hello, may I speak to the owner of your house?

Me: Why should I listen to you?

Telemarketer: This is on behalf of the San Fransisco alumni committee.

Me: Well, the strangest thing just happened. I exploded.

Telemarketer: What?

Me: Well, I'm afraid we're out of time. (hangs up).

That's so much fun.

Bye!

Dinner for Total Morons

Hey, everyone! The following link is another cartoon from me on Funny Times.com!

Asses and Pachyderms

Thank you, thank you very much.

I went to see Dinner for Schmucks yesterday with two of my friends, one of whom would NOT stop farting (again). It started off OK, but it got REALLY weird. There was this one guy who was like, insane or something, who dressed up as a bull and took photos of himself. Weird. But it got much better at the dinner, when Steve Carell went all out with his idiocy. Here's some dialogue from that scene:

Steve-o: I am making you say everything I say, after I say it.

Other guy (also an idiot): But I'm saying it first!

Steve: Are you?

Other guy: OH MY GOD...

Anyway, it was also incredibly strange, and at some points, perverted. I'd give it four or five stars.

I have comprised a list of all the computer games you need to play before you die. Leave this website and go play one of these games:

Frogger

Ricochet Kills 2

Asteroids

Pacman

Endless War

Fancy Pants Man

Space Invaders

Electric Man 2

Sniper Assassin

Ninja Rinseout

Robokill

Bye!

Putting Salt on the Wound

Hell-O, everyone! As you may have guessed, today's blog is about...

Yes, I finally went to see Salt. It was awesome. Non-stop BLOWING MY MIND!!! Jumping out of helicopters and stabbing some guy with a glass bottle will never get old. Plus, the Russians were the bad guys. It did much better than OTHER Russians-as-villians movies... hint, hint. I'm lookin' RIGHT AT YOU, Indiana Jones #4. For this, I give Salt 7 1/2 out of 10 stars!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: Today is the last day of your life so far.

You may have noticed that recently, this blog is becoming less and less political. Well, it's time to remedy that. Here's the latest Funny Times cartoon by me! Use the following link to view it: Why So Stupid

And here's another interesting tidbit of news: I have a new follower!!! Whee! Break out the champagne!

This makes a grand total of...

Two followers.

Crud.

Actually, there's really three, but one doesn't count, because it's me. Through some strange malfunction of this blog site, I have ended up following my own blog.

Bye!

Greatness, thy name is Me (part II)

Hey, everyone! I will devote this entire blog with a continuation of yesterday's "My Life" story. Here we go:

December 6, 2003: Fled Uzbekistan after hiding in a cave with my two friends, Diego Tutweiller and Eric Funk.

December 7, 2003: Our plane lands in Mogadishu, Somalia.

January 4, 2004: Meet with Brad Stande, Louis Gomez, Jimmy "Fish head" Howitzer, Kyle Cobb, Diego Tutweiller, and Mike Placebo for business venture.

February 23, 2004: Begin business venture, begin smuggling looted air conditioners and dehumidifiers.

May 16, 2004: Brad Stande decides to back out, Gomez 'offs' him.

May 18, 2004: Scared out of his mind, Eric Funk catches a plane to Australia (he owes Gomez $27,000 from poker games).

July 4, 2004: Celebrate independence day. Watch the movie, meet Rocky Pinnacle for the first time.

September 13, 2004: Jimmy Howitzer leaves Mogadishu to become a security guard in Las Vegas.

December 4, 2004: Go on safari, accidentally kill some endangered animals, spend $8,000 smoothing it over with the Kenyan police.

February 17, 2005: Return to California, bring Mike Placebo and Diego Tutweiller with me.

March 7, 2005: Travel to France, meet Claude Deuxvisage for the first time. Later, I use his name to fool a Safeway employee.

June 2, 2005: Start Vertco, contact all my old associates to see if they want to get in on the action. The only responses are from Claude Deuxvisage, Diego Tutweiller, and Eric Funk.

June 18, 2005: Begin production of Vertco products. Our niche: Laundry Detergents. Little did I know at that time that it would mushroom into something MUUUCH bigger.

August 29, 2005: Hurricane Katrina hits Louisiana, I leave California again to assist with the disaster recovery. In the wreckage, I see Louis Gomez, who was on a boat in the Gulf when the hurricane hit. God, what a moron.

September 4, 2005: Rob Roberts, now a wealthy Wall Street executive, meets me in New Orleans. I joke "God, all they need now is an oil spill!"

November 12, 2005: Me and Gomez travel to France to meet with Claude Deuxvisage, who recently became rich off of the stock market. We ask him to help fund the disaster relief, but he tells us he didn't sell his stocks, lost all his money, and is now a street mime.

January 3, 2006: After spending New Years in France with Gomez and Deuxvisage, I go back to Louisiana, while Gomez returns to Bogata to continue smuggling drugs (I TOLD him not to!!!)

January 5, 2006: Gomez is arrested off the coast of Colombia.

March 18, 2006: Rocky Pinnacle leaves Louisiana and enlists in the army.

June 9, 2006: I go back to California, having spent $180,000 on disaster relief items: iPods, digital cameras, wifi, you know, the necessities!

June 10, 2006: Upon returning to California, I find out that Mike Placebo is in jail for land fraud.

July 23, 2006: Bob Roberts, Diego Tutweiller, and Eric Funk break Gomez out of jail in Colombia.

October 9, 2006: Burn down my house, claim the insurance money, and escape in a hail of gunfire.

November 24, 2006: Vertco, now one of the wealthiest companies on the stock exchange, makes the Fortune 500. To celebrate, we expand to cars and space technologies (I don't know WHERE that came from, I thought we made detergents) and acquire a few other companies.

January 6, 2007: I officially become a billionaire. To make sure my parents don't find out about all this, I order my minions not to sell Vertco products in the Bay Area.

April 2, 2007: Staying up late one night, me and Rob Roberts figure out how to stop global warming. I CAN'T TELL YOU, IT'S A SECRET!!!

September 4, 2007: I fly to Australia, where I run into Eric Funk, who now works at a gas station in the middle of the outback.

September 18, 2007: I leave Australia, land in the Cayman Islands to oversee work on a giant me-shaped island.

December 23, 2007: I begin preparations for my New Year's party. I unfortunately can't remember much about it.

March 1, 2008: I meet Rodney Eckstien and Brody Asbestos in a movie theatre. Eckstien is making a tape of the movie to bootleg.

March 30, 2008: Me and Kyle Cobb begin building a Vertco Satellite program.

May 14, 2009: I start this blog--- YAY!

July 12, 2008: I announce my presidential candidacy. I never had a hope in hell.

August 12, 2008: With cameras installed in every corner of the planet, we launch our robotic spy mechanism. We catch 8,000 criminals in one day, including Gomez.

September 16, 2008: Rodney Eckstien accepts a job as a mailman. As I recall, it was either that or bounty hunter.

November 13, 2008: Rocky Pinnacle accidentally launches a hellfire missile from a predator drone, ironically taking out a drug caravan run by, you guessed it, Gomez.

July 12, 2009: Business at Vertco is running smoothly. The satellite program, codenamed SPYGLASS, is able to wipe out an Al Qaeda ammo dump.

August 14, 2009: In trouble with the mob, Jimmy Howitzer is next seen being pulled out of a loaded cement mixer. He exits the hospital four days later with only a few minor injuries, telling reporters "They were very polite, for criminals".

September 16, 2009: Diego Tutweiller returns to Mogadishu to negotiate with the Somali pirates.

December 27, 2009: Jimmy Howitzer finds out that I'm only 12 years old. He had only talked with me over a cell phone before.

April 18, 2010: I visit a few offshore drilling rigs to see if I want to expand Vertco to oil drilling. On Deepwater Horizon, I push a few buttons. Nothing happens.

April 20, 2010: Deepwater Horizon explodes in the Gulf of Mexico, destroying the ecosystem and ruining thousands of lives.

May 12, 2010: I accept a secondary job at BP. Hey, I felt bad.

August 3, 2010: Gomez finally tracks down Eric Funk and tries to get his $27,000. I get Eric out of there using my private jet.

TA-DAAAH! The story of my life. TO BE CONTINUED...

Greatness, thy name is Me

Is it just me, or do the following two things look frighteningly similar?

By the way, the reason these images are so lopsided is because the new format for Google Image is incompatible with this blog site, so I'm unable to upload the images in my usual way.

Those are the Star Trek and Acura logos. Gee, any similarities?

And now, for your viewing pleasure, I present... the COMPLETE CHRONOLOGY OF MY LIFE!!!

November 8, 1997-- I was born. Wheeee!

December 26, 1997-- Learned to pickpocket. Stole some hobo's change.

April 22, 1998-- Bred frogs in the toilet and sold them as pets. I was remarkably mature for my age.

October 3, 1998-- Blew my newfound millions on a Monet, which I accidentally spilled finger paint on.

January 29, 1999-- Started bogus internet rumor about the Y2K bug that would scramble and destroy all the world's computers. Who knew it would catch on?

July 4, 1999-- Blew up a ferris wheel at a carnival using plastic explosives.

August 9, 1999-- Opened my swiss bank account (Zurich Savings and Loans, account number 8841315).

November 25, 1999-- Split the atom.

November 26, 1999-- Grounded for splitting the atom in our garage.

February 4, 2000-- Went to work for Al Gore under the alias Billy Arasachra.

June 18, 2000-- Bribed city officials and laundered money.

December 12, 2000-- Swore at TV, cursed Bush's name.

April 8, 2001-- Became official puppet master for 18 congressmen.

September 11, 2001-- Swore at TV, punched glass, went to emergency room.

October 1, 2001-- Held fake funeral for Billy Arasachra. Oops. Fortunately, no one opened the casket.

March 14, 2002-- Made contacts in Kuwait, organized a gun-running team for the resistance force.

April 17, 2002-- Told Bernie Madoff "Why don't you just start a ponzi scheme or something?" Sorry, everyone, but it was a joke, and he was low on cash...

June 24, 2002-- Met Louis Gomez for the first time. At that time, he was living in Bogata smuggling drugs. Fortunately, I was able to convince him to earn an honest living using his former drug-running ship as a pleasure cruise.

June 30, 2002-- Me and Gomez become shipwrecked (along with a group of somewhat disgruntled passengers) on the coast of a South American country. I don't know which one to this day, but I'm pretty sure it was Suriname.

July 15, 2002-- RESCUED! Everyone except a few passengers, who didn't make it across the Amazon. Damn piranha!

December 31, 2002-- Fell into a punch bowl at Rob Robert's New Year's Eve Party. I believe a rhinoceros was involved.

February 7, 2003-- Made 9.1 billion repairing wrecked Kuwaiti oil wells.

May 2, 2003-- Experimented with nerve gas in the garage.

August 5, 2003-- Accidentally launched a round of nerve gas into an Uzbekistani forward unit (this is where it gets interesting).

TO BE CONTINUED...