When the River Runs Green

Today is St. Patrick's Day, meaning that all across the world tomorrow, people will be waking up wearing a lampshade... and nothing else. Unfortunately, I don't get to participate in that. I'm only fourteen. But my time will come, and then... there shall be great reckoning.

Now, being part Irish, I can get away with not actually wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, seeing as my veins are green. Kind of like Vulcans, but an Irishman's blood alcohol level is much higher already. Anyway, some people aren't that lucky. On the west coast, the tradition is to pinch anyone who isn't wearing green. On the east coast, you punch them. And in the south, you throw a wet sponge at them. Fun fact: Thousands of people in the south don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day every year in hopes of getting the only moisture in the south thrown at them.

St. Patrick's Day Joke #1: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Answer: ZERO!!! Ha! It's funny, 'cause... potato famine.

That is one badass leprechaun.

St. Patrick's Day Joke #2: A ventriloquist is doing his act at a pub in Ireland when an Irishman stands up. "Hey", says the Irishman, "You're making all us Irishmen out to be drunk and stupid". "I'm sorry..." stammers the ventriloquist. "Not you!" yells the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little feller on yer knee!"

Here's an interesting tidbit: Did you know that on the original St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York, the river was not dyed green intentionally? It was actually dyed on the day AFTER St. Patrick's Day, when thousands of hungover New Yorkers vomited into the river.

And I'd like to leave my St. Patrick's Day post off on a high note, so here's my all-time favorite Irish joke:

St. Patrick's Day Joke #3: An Irishman walks out of a bar.

HA! It's funny, because it's IMPOSSIBLE!

Bye!