Lincoln

Oh my God... I just got back from another of my friend Connor's famous 24-hour sleepovers. It was nuts. We set off poppers in the street, jumped in a creek, kicked Luis in the nuts, and jumped on top of a Presbyterian church. I also was able to bear witness to one of the worst movies ever made.

No, it's not the one in the title-- I'll get to that later. No, I saw 'Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie', my new official least-favorite movie ever made. And it has some STRONG contenders to beat. Namely, Troll 2, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hugo, Clash of the Titans, Green Lantern, Battle: LA, Up, and Cowboys and Aliens. But this was far and away the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Calvin told me that it was horrific, but I didn't listen... and now I'm scarred for life. I'll never be able to watch an R-rated movie ever again.

However, that's not why I'm blogging today. Apparently, in the span of one day, I saw both the worst and the best movies of 2012. Lincoln, with Daniel Day-Lewis in the title role, is easily the best movie of the year and should win Best Picture, if not Best Actor for Lewis and Best Director for Spielberg. I usually have some reservedness about going ballistic over more recent movies, but this one's going down in history.


Characteristically, it features a lot of the emotional tug-of-war that made Spielberg the director he is today. As I've always said, I haven't shed a tear in 5 1/2 years. But this one came surprisingly close. Essentially, the entire last half-hour of the movie will have you weeping buckets. Literally, I am not exaggerating this.

Unlike most movie adaptations of the Civil War, Lincoln didn't center around the actual battles. It made the remarkable (and perfectly executed) decision to focus more on the passing of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery once and for all. You wouldn't know by watching this that the REPUBLICANS were the ones that would eventually become massive dicks, and that the DEMOCRATS would be the ones fighting for civil rights. But at some point in history, the parties basically switched in every way, except for the minor detail that a little 'R' appeared next to Lincoln's name on the ballots.

The best scene is where the two parties are voting on the amendment, and the Democrats are fighting for their lives to avoid the cold gazes of black people watching from the audience. To vote 'nay' on something like that while staring the people you're oppressing right in the eyes must be a pretty crappy experience. I don't feel sorry for them, but it must have been painful.

But, SPOILER ALERT! Slavery is abolished and Lincoln gets shot in the most gut-wrenching 20 minutes of film since Spock's death. Which I still haven't gotten over.

Oh God, it's too... painful...

Anyway, final score for Lincoln? 10/10. There is not a thing I would change about this movie, and that's the mark of a perfect film. If nothing else, Spielberg has redeemed himself for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Bye!