The Mayans predicted the end of the world (or so some say) on this day at midnight, so expect some fireworks. The Mayans were right about everything. Except they failed to see the Spanish coming. But whatever.
The 5,125-year long Mayan calendar reverts back to zero this year, meaning that a lot of ancient Mayans will probably be dating their checks 5,126 by mistake. So if that's not a sign of doomsday, I don't know what is.
So, you know who won the election. I really hope it was Obama. I cannot handle a Romney presidency. Of course, it's possible that Obama lost, triggering the 2012 Doomsday itself. So many questions need to be answered!
So, what are the chances that the world has really come to an end? I dunno. But if it has, I have a few things I need to say.
END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO
• If the world of the future is ruled by robots, simply print off this page and hand it to one of the iron overlords.
Hey, Robots! Congratulations on the complete subjugation of the carbon-based life forms culminating in the great purge. Well done! Now, I have a message for you to upload into your brethren's hive mind: The following sentence is false. The previous sentence is true.
Humans? You're welcome.
• Now, if the world is the victim of some sort of ecological disaster (i.e., hole in the ozone layer, massive tsunami, YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong), I have one message for you goddamn Republicans: WE TOLD YOU SO. The scenario I keep coming up with is this: A bill to send astronauts to prevent a massive solar flare from hitting Earth was blocked by a Republican majority in the House. They refused to save the planet unless a rider was attached giving out $10 billion in new defense spending and a repeal of Obamacare. The Democrats, of course, refused, and Earth was subsequently destroyed.
• Another possible scenario is the imminent threat of a nuclear bomb detonation in numerous major cities. Now, I'm pretty sure nukes will still be around four months from now, so this is quite possible. And to the group of people who set off this chain reaction? Uncool, guys. You think you can just go around nuking infidel cities without any fallout? Uncool.
• A far less likely possibility is The Rapture. If the atheists of the future are standing around, looking at all the shoes lying on the ground, then I'm wrong about literally everything. I bet there's a really Jesus-y feeling in the air, isn't there? God damn it.
• There's also the possibility that, like in Independence Day and countless movies before it, Aliens have come to Earth and enslaved the human race. To the human who is reading this on his iPod while deep in the Plutonium mines: Bummer, dude. And really, Aliens? Through all our existence, we've been talking about how awesome it would be to meet you. And now you're just here to kill us all? Wow.
• Of course, it's possible that trees emitted a gas that made us kill ourselves, but seeing as 'The Happening' had a very disappointing box office gross, I would say this is somewhat unlikely.
• Oh, and one last thing: If the world doesn't end, I would like someone to place a bet on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl in 2013. And we all get to see Iron Man 3! Aaah...
Anyway, that's my END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO. Sorry I can't give you any advice on fighting the mutant packs of roving dog-men, but there's a bomb shelter on 188, King's Creek Drive in Fairfax, CA. It's got a keg, a pool table, and a mini-fridge. I'm not sure where the key to the liquor cabinet is, but you might as well just smash the damn glass at this point.
Bye!
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