The 2013 Grahammies (Part Two: The Awards)

HEYYY, I've finished binding my novel!!! I'd just like to thank everyone who supported me throughout the years... because tonight is the Oscars, and (by extension) THE 2013 GRAHAMMY AWARD CEREMONIES!!! Here we go! Graham Vert

As always, I'll be listing the winners from least to most important, just to make sure you keep reading. Of course, you could skip to the bottom... s**t, this doesn't work nearly as well as it does for the Oscars... but here's BEST VISUAL EFFECTS! We have Men In Black III, Life of Pi, The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and Prometheus. And the Grahammy goes to...

PROMETHEUS!!! Yes, I know you're all shocked that Life of Pi didn't win for the tiger... but Prometheus has incredibly stunning visuals as well as some of the most memorable moments in film (namely David holding the holographic Earth). You're welcome, Ridley Scott.

For BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL: Men In Black III, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, and The Hobbit. And the Grahammy goes to...

THE DARK KNIGHT RISES!!! It's unfortunate that Christopher Nolan's incredible reboot of Batman has to come to an end, but thank God it did so in such a spectacular fashion. Moving right along, we have the nominees for...

BEST SCREENPLAY: Looper, Django Unchained, Lincoln, Argo, and Life of Pi. Note: This category was once Best Original Screenplay, but was changed just this year. And the winner is...

LOOPER!!! This year's sci-fi epic has a lot to offer, but the astoundingly original screenplay is its finest asset. A+ for Looper.

For BEST DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg for Lincoln, Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained, Ang Lee for Life of Pi, Christopher Nolan for The Dark Knight Rises, and Rian Johnson for Looper. And the Grahammy goes to...

QUENTIN TARANTINO FOR DJANGO UNCHAINED!!! Really, this is partly just to soothe Quentin's wounds after all that Pulp Fiction picked up was a Best Screenplay win. But who cares? Django is an incredible movie that would not have been possible without him.

For WORST DIRECTOR, the nominees are: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim for Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, Melissa Rosenberg for whichever f**king Twilight movie came out this year, Paul W.S. Anderson for Resident Evil, Olivier Megaton for Taken 2, and Len Wiseman for Total Recall. And the loser is...

TIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WAREHEIM!!! Yeah, give it up! Not... Yes, two of the worst actors, directors, and human beings of all time have won Worst Director. What a shock. Moving on now to...

BEST ACTRESS: Keira Knightley for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Jennifer Lawrence for both The Hunger Games and Silver Linings Playbook, Emily Blunt for Looper, Noomi Rapace for Prometheus, and Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises. And the Grahammy goes to...

JENNIFER LAWRENCE!!! Though not so much for The Hunger Games... whatever. This was a really close race, because I liked Emily Blunt's performance in Looper. Oh no, I'm becoming Kanye West. "Listen, Jennifer, Imma let you finish, but Emily had one of the best performances of all time. OF ALL TIME!"

For WORST ACTRESS: Kristen Stewart for basically anything she was in, Maggie Grace for Taken 2, Milla Jovovich for Resident Evil, Kate Beckinsale for Underworld, and Meghan Fox for The Dictator. And the loser is...

KRISTEN STEWART!!! Yes, after 'losing' to the new generic girl from Transformers last year, Kristen's back on... bottom. She's now won four Worst Actress Grahammies, three of them in a row. Congratulations. I guess.

For BEST ACTOR, the nominees are: Michael Fassbender for Prometheus, Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln, Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook, Denzel Washington for Flight, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt for Looper. And the winner is...

What a shock, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS!!! Yeah, this category was basically decided the moment the ink dried on his contract... bummer for all the other actors this year. Up next...

WORST ACTOR: Tim Heidecker for Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, Robert Pattinson for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Hotel Transylvania, Colin Farrell for Total Recall, and Nicholas Cage for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. And the loser is...

TIM HEIDECKER!!! Wow, if his losing streak continues, he could end up taking three of the four Worst awards in the Grahammies! And I'm shocked that Adam Sandler didn't win. Wait, no I'm not... I decided these myself...

For WORST PICTURE: Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, 2016: Obama's America, Total Recall, Twilight, and Resident Evil: Retribution. Brace yourselves, people (provided that your eyes haven't already caught the winner in big bold letters below this). The winner is...

TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION-DOLLAR MOVIE!!! Break out the champagne, for this is the first time a movie has won (or lost, depending on your point of view) three of the four 'Worst' titles in the Grahammies. Maybe this year, something will take all four...

But this is not the time to get distracted. Because we now have the Grahammy Award for Best Picture, as decided by the readers on a poll. So unless you already saw the poll's outcome last week, this should come as a shock. The nominees are: Lincoln, Argo, Chronicle, Django Unchained, and Looper. And the Grahammy Award for Best Picture goes to...

LINCOLN!!! LINCOLN!!! Awwww yeaaaaahhh! Git some of THAT, Oscars! Argo is NOT the best movie of 2012! Of course, my dad will probably be pissed that Django Unchained didn't win, but he can't blame me; this was decided by the audience. With absolutely no interference from me. Abso-lutely none...


Until 2014, Goodbye!!!

Diamonds are Forever

I'm on a Die Hard marathon, partly because it's the best goddamn movie franchise of all time, but also because I really need to get the taste of number five out of my mouth. Not to mention the fact that I apparently need to bind the book that I wrote for English class by Tuesday, and it looks like I either have to use cheap binder clips or painstakingly connect each individual page to the cover using rubber cement. So yes, I am pretty pissed.

But here's a story that lifted my spirits unmeasurably-- in Brussels this week, a professional heist ended in a group of men disguised as police making off with about fifty million dollars worth of diamonds. Now, as a retired professional thief myself, I have great respect for these guys. They ordered workers to unload the diamonds for them, then left with the loot without a single hitch. But here's the thing...

After several years in the world of organized heists, I'm pretty sure that I've figured out who did this. The signature professionalism, the planning it must have taken... I'm convinced that this heist was carried out by none other than some of the major celebrities in the Hollywood elite. Namely...


George Clooney, Brad Pitt, and Matt Damon (among others, I'm pretty sure Bruce Willis may have been involved). These guys have once again committed a spectacular robbery from under the nose of some of the richest men on Earth. So kudos, guys. I hope this doesn't ruin it for you.

This doesn't even begin to compare with some of my heists, though. In the past, I've stolen the Rosetta Stone, King Tut's 'little tut', and Edward Munch's The Scream. I gave that last one back, though-- I just took it to prove a point.

However, back to real news, remember a few months ago when I reported on a new fad in Japan called "Bagel Head"? This was a procedure where silicone is injected into the recipient's forehead, then they press their thumb into the lump to form a bagel-like impression. Well, I thought that Japan had finally hit the pinnacle of nuttiness, but apparently I was wrong. Another new fad in Japan involves teenage girls going out in public with their panties over their heads. Again, I'm not putting a picture of this on my blog because... well... it's too weird even for me. I will say this, though: This is probably how Bane got his start. Take heed, Japan. This will not end well.

Bye!

Silver Linings Playbook

I am getting pretty exhausted over this vacation. Not only have I been editing and formatting my novel for the past few days, I've stayed up to 2:00 in the morning to try and get through the whole first season of 24. And now I'm trying to get through as many Oscar nominees as possible, hence: I saw Silver Linings Playbook today.

I don't want to get too far into this movie, because it was a romance and... well... f**k romances. But it was good enough, I suppose, mainly due to Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, and Robert De Niro's performances. It had several flaws, though-- some pretty gaping ones. First off, it's a movie about the mentally ill falling in love. Yaaaay! Still, it handles that situation a lot better than some movies would have. I can't IMAGINE what Michael Bay would have done with that.

Second, the climactic sequence centers around football and dancing. And not just any kind of football: THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES. Those two things basically killed the last half-hour for me. Let's all just have a moment of silence to thank God that the Eagles and the Oakland Raiders didn't play in the Superbowl. People would have DIED. At least, more people than in a usual football game. Hmm...

Finally, the ending was far too Hallmark-y for my taste. I'm sure that if you're the kind of viewer who likes to have the ol' heartstrings tugged, it'll be fine, but not for me. Besides, it's physically impossible for me to feel any emotion over movies after seeing the saddest moment in movie history of all time: Spock's death in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Not joking. There is NOTHING that can rival that.



I mean, just by looking at the poster, you know what to expect. But I'm glad I saw it, because now I've seen five of the ten Oscar nominees for Best Picture, plus I plan on seeing Zero Dark Thirty this weekend (the others being Django Unchained, Lincoln, Argo, and Life of Pi). I really don't know what to root for at this point. I'd be fine if Argo won, I loved Lincoln, and it would be great to see Quentin Tarantino win an Oscar for Best Picture after being snubbed for Pulp Fiction. But when it comes down to the wire, I couldn't care less.

And so, drumroll please, for the final score of Silver Linings... 7/10 stars. Yeah, it was corny, but it had two of my all-time favorite actors, plus Jennifer Lawrence in yoga pants. So A+!

Bye!

Mississippi Unchained

Wow, I'm blown away right now. According to various news outlets (CNN, Stephen Colbert), Mississippi has finally signed into law the 13th amendment. You know, the one that abolishes slavery. So apparently, for the past 150 years, slavery has been legal in Mississippi.

This means that Alabama is the only state left where slavery is legal. The US government has tried to intervene, but they were surprised to discover that Alabama seceded from the union in a rider attached to a farm bill in 1997. But in all seriousness, this is an historic event-- Most people thought Mississippi would wait a full TWO centuries to sign this into law, just to be absolutely sure about it. But now Mississippi looks like the most progressive state in the south. Graham Vert

You see, the amendment was GOING to become law in the state back in 1995, but the proper paperwork wasn't filed. And I guess the clerical nightmare just continued for 18 consecutive years. Wow... all that red tape... thanks a LOT, Obama.


Mississippi's community organizer is seen above in a recruiting poster.

This is far and away more ridiculous than the time we realized that North Dakota was not technically a state, seeing as it hadn't actually ratified the constitution. But at the end of the day, I'm proud of Mississippi. Now the US is the SECOND TO LAST COUNTRY to abolish slavery. The last holdout, of course, is Mauritania in western Africa. But nobody cares about that, apparently.

In fact, the issue was brought to their attention when the movie Lincoln came out, making the people of Mississippi question whether or not they had actually ratified the amendment. I'm just surprised they didn't do this when O Brother Where Art Thou? came out. If that movie doesn't make you question your racist beliefs... nothing will.

Anyway, stay tuned for my review of Silver Linings Playbook, and more information on random states with stupid laws. I think prohibition is still in effect in Utah.

Bye!

Life of Pi Chart

I am very, very disappointed in myself.

I stupidly set up the poll to decide the Best Picture winner for the Grahammies before I saw one of the year's best movies. It should have been up there instead of Chronicle, and now any hope I had of announcing the winners on the day of the Oscars is moot. Seeing as I can't change the poll now (it's already closed), I will simply go back to change the other Grahammy nominees. Not to mention, of course, the fact that I've already edited the nominees to include Prometheus, and (if all goes as planned) I will see Zero Dark Thirty AND Silver Linings Playbook this weekend. Yeah, I'm one dedicated f**king movie reviewer. Thank me later.

Anyway, I just saw Ang Lee's Life of Pi, and (big shock) it was friggin' amazing. As I've said before, I tend not to go nuts over brand-new movies, but this is one spectacular film. Based on the novel by Yann Martel, the story is practically Greek mythology. It centers around Pi, a boy in India whose father runs a zoo. After some trouble with finances, he is forced onto a ship to leave his home country for Canada, along with all the animals.

Although the plot requires you to suspend your disbelief for the first half, it's totally vindicated in the second. The story transcends believable and unbelievable, and the audience can basically choose to accept whichever version of reality they want. Because at the end, Pi retells two versions of the story, one with the animals on the boat, and another where the animals are other people. Note: If you don't believe the story about the tiger, you are most likely dead inside.


There's also a trippy dream sequence that rivals those in 2001: A Space Odyssey and The Big Lebowski. However, the film owes most of its accolades to Suraj Sharma's performance as Pi, not to mention Irfan Khan as an adult Pi. Plus, the CGI tiger (Richard Parker) was mind-boggling. I will never look at my cat P-nut the same again.

Final Score for Life of Pi: 9/10 stars. Yeah, settle down-- I know I haven't mentioned a single problem with this movie, but here's the thing: At the end, when he reveals a second story, the audience realizes that the whole story with the tiger may have been a fabrication. Basically, the plot is a metaphor for religion. Although the tiger wasn't 'real', it still provided a far better story than the one with actual people. This leaves the audience with a painful feeling of "But... but... tiger..." I am not amused.

Bye!

Going Postal

Apparently, my dad gets to give an interview soon to hire someone in the place he works at. Not one to be left out, I decided to draw up a list of possible interview questions he can ask. Take a look.

• "So, how long were you... Pope? Oh, sorry... that's the resume of another applicant..."
• "Have you ever worked on a Death Star before?"
• "Do you believe you could pass a drug test right now?" Then the applicant says "Yes". Then respond "All right... Question #1: Which Native American tribe was the first to use Peyote?"
• "Have you ever put a cardboard cutout of a dime in a washing machine?"
• "In your professional opinion, how much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"
• "Are you on Team Edward or Team Jacob?"
• "Are you comfortable with buying large amounts of cocaine with client's money and writing it off as a tax deduction? For instance, as 'refreshments for corporate retreat'?"
• "Hypothetically, would you travel to India to retrieve a Bengal tiger to serve as our office mascot?"

Anyway, if you want more of this stuff, click THIS link to watch the funniest f**king video ever.

However, a lot more people may have to go to job interviews soon, because the US Post Office has announced that it will stop deliveries on Saturday. I know, I know, I'm a little late with this story. But I didn't get my copy of The Week last week, so I had to call the USPS station over in Fairfax and wait in line for some 102-year-old woman to finish hole-punching something... anyway, I just got the news today.













I've said for a while that the Post Office is a relic of the past and should be allowed to die, but no one's listened to me. But this is a step in the right direction. Soon, all our mail will come through the computer, and packages can be delivered by private companies like UPS or FedEx.

But I don't even trust them. Which is why I'm introducing the VERTCO PRIVATE PACKAGE DRONE!!! Remember back a few months ago to when a company decided to start airlifting tacos to people wherever they were in the world? Well, although that project got canned, I loved it. Imagine: Tacos, no matter where you were. But I've decided that we must take it a step further. And so my company (Vertco) has come out with a fleet of drones at the public's dispense. Gone are the days of having to wait for your Kindle to arrive from Amazon.com--- we'll fly it to you at only ten times the cost!!!

Of course, we take no responsibility for damage caused to packages. That includes getting them sliced up by the turbine of a 747, getting shot down by a redneck who wants a free iPhone 5, and the inevitable 3,000-foot drop when it lands at your doorstep. Try not to order anything breakable. Stick to stuff like styrofoam.

Bye!

Blade Runner

Here's a shocking thought: Between OJ Simpson, Tiger Woods, Lance Armstrong, and now Oscar Pistorius, it seems like a Nike sponsorship makes you go bad. DAMN YOU, SWOOSH!!! Now all we have to do to test this theory is wait for Michael Jordan to become a crackhead.

As I'm sure you've heard, Oscar Pistorius, the 'Blade Runner' who competed in the 2012 Olympics, shot his girlfriend last week. He says it was an accident, and that he thought she was an intruder. And I believe him. It's like in Doonesbury, when Uncle Duke almost killed Zeke after mistaking him for a raccoon. But unfortunately, Pistorius doesn't have the defense of being high at the time. Unless he scored some of Michael Jordan's s**t. Graham Vert

And speaking of the Olympics, I'm calling this right now: The rings are racist. And I'm not the only one who's noticed. I mean, LOOK at them.


Really? Africa's BLACK, and Asia is YELLOW? This is more racist than the Power Rangers. Anyway, people all across the internet have been calling for the rings to be changed for a while now. And I haven't even gotten INTO the fact that the red one represents North America. God. So racist.

Anyway, today Pistorius made a stand in court, and the prosecution has since admitted that they fudged the facts a little. So we'll just have to wait and see if this turns out to be another Casey Anthony verdict. What... doesn't ANYONE remember that?

Recently, I've gotten hooked on the TV show 24, because if you're feeling crappy about your life, you can at least thank God you're not Jack Bauer. The only problem is that now, whenever my watch beeps on the hour, I instinctively say "The following takes place between the hours of 1:00 and 2:00 AM on the day of the California presidential primary. Events occur in real time."

Bye!

Downton Crappy

Everyone and their mothers (and especially the mothers) have become enraptured in a new TV show called Downton Abbey, and my mom has been taken in by it. So I've sat through almost all of the third season, and I think I can now make an accurate judgement.

THIS SHOW IS BS. Seriously. Every single time I watch it, the same damn s**t is happening. There's a gay-ass butler who tried to make out with some dude while he was asleep. There's an ice queen woman who doesn't do anything but try to get pregnant and say 'Papa' instead of 'dad'. There's a creepy old butler whose entire acting credentials seem to involve looking indignant, and there's Maggie Smith as... well... Maggie Smith.

For those of you unacquainted with the show, I'm sure that sounded deranged. GOOD, because I'd hate to give you the wrong impression. And for those of you who DO watch this thing, well... I have devised the DOWNTON ABBEY DRINKING GAAAAAME!!!


• Every time someone cries, drink.
• Every time someone looks upon modern technology disapprovingly, drink.
• Every time there's a long-winded conversation about finances, drink.
• Every time someone says either 'mama' or 'papa', drink (down your drink if they say both in the same sentence).
• Every time there's a medical emergency, drink.
• Every time an exterior shot of the abbey causes you to say out loud "Damn, that's a big-ass house", drink.
• Every time a minor character from some old episode resurfaces with little to no explanation, drink.
• Every time someone goes through a dramatic and completely predictable character turnaround, drink twice. Graham Vert
• Every time Maggie Smith says some line that'll probably win her an award, drink twice.
• Every time Thomas does something gay and awkward, drink twice.
• Every time someone takes one in the 'nads, down your drink.
• Every time there's a spectacular action sequence, down your drink.
• Every time Lord Grantham yells "MOTHERF**KER", drink the bottle (this also works for "FORNICATOR OF MATRIARCHS").

Of course, this game will most likely result in all participants getting utterly s**tfaced drunk by the end, but hey, ain't no party like an early 20th century British party.

Bye!

A Bad Day for Die Hard

Ho-leee S**t. I just saw 'A Good Day to Die Hard', the movie I was looking forward to most in 2013. And I am disappoint. The theme of every Die Hard movie has always been suspense, intrigue, and ever-increasing mayhem. Unfortunately, it only delivered on that last one. Graham Vert

It starts off with dialogue worthy of Taken, which should say enough about the writers of this thing. For those of you who haven't seen Taken or Taken 2, they're prized for their explosions and plot, but most definitely not their dialogue. As with many action movies these days, the real weakness comes when the characters actually sit down to talk about the s**t they've been blowing up.

This is really a bummer when you think about what the past four Die Hard movies have been like. Ultimate quotable lines, fantastic villains, great acting, and (who could forget) the phrase 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker'. But as the franchise has expanded, it's gone somewhat downhill. The first featured Bruce Willis trapped in a skyscraper with twelve terrorists. Far and away the best of the series, this film is often called the best action movie of all time, mainly because of its breathtaking stunts and heart-pounding suspense. The second, although still good, puts Willis in a larger setting (an airport), which takes the adrenaline down a notch.
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This continued in Die Hard With a Vengeance and Live Free or Die Hard, both of which featured Willis running around the entire city of New York. As the setting got larger, so did the franchise's failures. The only exception is 'Live Free', which is admittedly a very awesome movie.


And now we have A Good Day to Die Hard. To be honest, I haven't seen numbers 2, 3, and 4 recently, so I'm not sure that I'm calling this accurately. But I think it was still better than 'With a Vengeance'. That's not saying it's good, though. It has taken the all-American spirit of the originals and stuck it in Moscow. PRONOUNCED MOS-CO, NOT MOS-COW. GET IT TOGETHER, YOU FRIGGING PEOPLE... Jesus Christ.

Still, it had one of the best 'Yippee-ki-yay' moments in the franchise, where Willis says "The things we do for our kids. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**kers." And then he drives a truck out of a helicopter and basically neuters it.

But I refuse to overlook its flaws. So here's my list of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD!!! John McClane is not a good father? You have to be kidding me. Nobody runs into Chernobyl without a shirt on. I mean, I won't even stand in front of the f**king MICROWAVE while it's running. Nobody leaves a friggin' ammo dump in the trunk of a Maybach. Jai Courtney is not John McClane's son, don't you EVER FORGET IT. Why do all the Russians always turn on each other in these movies? Very little use of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Does not take place on a major holiday. Bruce Willis is bald, again. Why are so many Russians walking in slow motion whenever someone makes a phone call? Why was the bad guy eating a carrot? How many times is Willis going to say 'I'm on vacation'? What were the Russians trying to accomplish, anyway... they had Uranium in a vault, but then... what? The bad guy gets caught monologuing. We don't get to see the pirate gun in action. The car chase scene lasts for fifteen minutes. Why did the Russian guy lie about there being a file...? How many innocent people were killed on the streets of Moscow? Why didn't McClane make fists with his toes? Why didn't he say 'Shoot the glass'? Does anyone really care? Why did John F**king Moore direct this thing? Just... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Final score: 5/10 stars. It wasn't on the same level of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but it was pretty bad. If there is a Die Hard 6 (which seems inevitable now), here's what needs to happen: They need to get a good script, a good director, and a cinematographer who doesn't suffer from dyslexia. They need to get McClane back in an enclosed space, hire someone GOOD to play the villain, and arm everyone to the teeth. Finally, it must be called 'Old Habits Die Hard'. And if they use this without consulting me, I'm suing.

Bye!

The 85-Year-Old Virgin

I am officially on February break now, and I'm enjoying it immensely. And with so much free time, I have the chance to take up new hobbies. Like painting pictures of myself in the tub. No, wait, that's George Bush's job. Because you see, when the Bush family's emails were hacked this week, self-portraits of the Decider-in-Chief were spilled all over the internet.

I never thought I'd say this, but I love George Bush. Seriously, this is hilarious s**t. The guy has NOTHING ELSE TO DO with his time, and he's painting himself in the shower and bath. Probably at 2:00 in the afternoon. Now, some people are saying that these pictures are a 'cry for help', and that the recurring bathing theme is a metaphor for Bush wanting to wash the blood of Katrina and the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan off his hands. I, however, think it's just a painting of a guy in the tub who thinks that painting scenery is too hard.

But speaking of free time, what about Pope Benedict? He's stepping down at the end of February, so what the hell is he going to do? Make model trains? Troll the internet? Audition for the role of The Emperor in Star Wars Episode VII? Or go on ChristianMingle to try and get some action at the ripe old age of 85?

 
Yeah... good luck with that one, Ben...

And this STILL isn't the coolest story of the week, because today a meteorite in Russia created a sonic boom that injured over 1,000 people. The videos of this famously badass occurrence are all over the internet, and it's some frightening stuff. But apparently, today was the day that an enormous asteroid passed by Earth in the closest extraterrestrial fly-by ever recorded. Coincidence? No.

Anyway, stay tuned for my post about Die Hard 5. And for the rest of the break, I shall relax, enjoy a brief respite from the crushing backlog of homework I have building up, and maybe paint a few pictures of myself in the tub.

Bye!

Soul Man

I just performed my dance routine for PE, and it was a thousand times better than I ever expected. First off, we were doing The Blues Brothers for our dance, and I got to wear a suit all day. SUIT UP! Anyway, we also got to wear epic sunglasses, and as it turns out, our teacher is a big fan of Aykroyd and Belushi. So we're definitely getting a good grade.

Who knew dancing for PE could be this fun? All we really did was flail around and play harmonicas, but with STYLE. And that's what counts.

In real news, the president gave his state of the union speech on Tuesday, and it was just another speech. I've seriously gotten bored with talking about this kind of stuff... it's the same over and over again. Gun control, 'heroes' in the audience, 70,000 dilapidated bridges that apparently are disasters waiting to happen... you know, stuff we already knew about.

But the evening's real gem was in the Republican rebuttal, given by the one and only member of the GOP Latino Hall of Fame, Marco Rubio. Throughout the speech, he seemed distracted, and continued to wipe his mouth in the middle of his sentences. Finally, he couldn't take it any more, and ducked off-camera for a drink of water.
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To be fair to Rubio, it's hard not to get thirsty while talking. To be even MORE fair, this is ridiculous. I went through a WHOLE SCHOOL DAY wearing a boiling-hot suit and dancing like a madman, and I only had a few sips of milk to quench my thirst. Just goes to show what I've always said: I should be a f**king politician.

Of course, most people haven't been as forgiving as me. A Twitter feed called 'Rubio's Water' has already sprung up, and even FOX News is having trouble spinning this one. This is funnier than the time Bobby Jindal walked up to the camera like Mister F**king Rogers. Oh, and there was a speech, too...

This just goes to show you how badly one little mistake can twist your political career. Wether it's misspelling 'potato', talking to an invisible chair, or yelling "YOU LIE" during a presidential speech, this kind of stuff will stick with you. Which is why if I ever run for office, I'm officially blacking out parts of my history. Officially off the record: July 4, 2009, December 7-21, 2010, February 6, 2011, August 12-14, 2011, October 31-November 8, 2011, March 9, 2012, April through June of 2012, and last week.

Bye!