As always, I'll be listing the winners from least to most important, just to make sure you keep reading. Of course, you could skip to the bottom... s**t, this doesn't work nearly as well as it does for the Oscars... but here's BEST VISUAL EFFECTS! We have Men In Black III, Life of Pi, The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and Prometheus. And the Grahammy goes to...
PROMETHEUS!!! Yes, I know you're all shocked that Life of Pi didn't win for the tiger... but Prometheus has incredibly stunning visuals as well as some of the most memorable moments in film (namely David holding the holographic Earth). You're welcome, Ridley Scott.
For BEST SEQUEL/PREQUEL: Men In Black III, The Avengers, The Dark Knight Rises, Prometheus, and The Hobbit. And the Grahammy goes to...
THE DARK KNIGHT RISES!!! It's unfortunate that Christopher Nolan's incredible reboot of Batman has to come to an end, but thank God it did so in such a spectacular fashion. Moving right along, we have the nominees for...
BEST SCREENPLAY: Looper, Django Unchained, Lincoln, Argo, and Life of Pi. Note: This category was once Best Original Screenplay, but was changed just this year. And the winner is...
LOOPER!!! This year's sci-fi epic has a lot to offer, but the astoundingly original screenplay is its finest asset. A+ for Looper.
For BEST DIRECTOR: Steven Spielberg for Lincoln, Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained, Ang Lee for Life of Pi, Christopher Nolan for The Dark Knight Rises, and Rian Johnson for Looper. And the Grahammy goes to...
QUENTIN TARANTINO FOR DJANGO UNCHAINED!!! Really, this is partly just to soothe Quentin's wounds after all that Pulp Fiction picked up was a Best Screenplay win. But who cares? Django is an incredible movie that would not have been possible without him.
For WORST DIRECTOR, the nominees are: Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim for Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, Melissa Rosenberg for whichever f**king Twilight movie came out this year, Paul W.S. Anderson for Resident Evil, Olivier Megaton for Taken 2, and Len Wiseman for Total Recall. And the loser is...
TIM HEIDECKER AND ERIC WAREHEIM!!! Yeah, give it up! Not... Yes, two of the worst actors, directors, and human beings of all time have won Worst Director. What a shock. Moving on now to...
BEST ACTRESS: Keira Knightley for Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Jennifer Lawrence for both The Hunger Games and Silver Linings Playbook, Emily Blunt for Looper, Noomi Rapace for Prometheus, and Anne Hathaway for The Dark Knight Rises. And the Grahammy goes to...
JENNIFER LAWRENCE!!! Though not so much for The Hunger Games... whatever. This was a really close race, because I liked Emily Blunt's performance in Looper. Oh no, I'm becoming Kanye West. "Listen, Jennifer, Imma let you finish, but Emily had one of the best performances of all time. OF ALL TIME!"
For WORST ACTRESS: Kristen Stewart for basically anything she was in, Maggie Grace for Taken 2, Milla Jovovich for Resident Evil, Kate Beckinsale for Underworld, and Meghan Fox for The Dictator. And the loser is...
KRISTEN STEWART!!! Yes, after 'losing' to the new generic girl from Transformers last year, Kristen's back on... bottom. She's now won four Worst Actress Grahammies, three of them in a row. Congratulations. I guess.
For BEST ACTOR, the nominees are: Michael Fassbender for Prometheus, Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln, Bradley Cooper for Silver Linings Playbook, Denzel Washington for Flight, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt for Looper. And the winner is...
What a shock, DANIEL DAY-LEWIS!!! Yeah, this category was basically decided the moment the ink dried on his contract... bummer for all the other actors this year. Up next...
WORST ACTOR: Tim Heidecker for Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, Robert Pattinson for Twilight, Adam Sandler for Hotel Transylvania, Colin Farrell for Total Recall, and Nicholas Cage for Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance. And the loser is...
TIM HEIDECKER!!! Wow, if his losing streak continues, he could end up taking three of the four Worst awards in the Grahammies! And I'm shocked that Adam Sandler didn't win. Wait, no I'm not... I decided these myself...
For WORST PICTURE: Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie, 2016: Obama's America, Total Recall, Twilight, and Resident Evil: Retribution. Brace yourselves, people (provided that your eyes haven't already caught the winner in big bold letters below this). The winner is...
TIM AND ERIC'S BILLION-DOLLAR MOVIE!!! Break out the champagne, for this is the first time a movie has won (or lost, depending on your point of view) three of the four 'Worst' titles in the Grahammies. Maybe this year, something will take all four...
But this is not the time to get distracted. Because we now have the Grahammy Award for Best Picture, as decided by the readers on a poll. So unless you already saw the poll's outcome last week, this should come as a shock. The nominees are: Lincoln, Argo, Chronicle, Django Unchained, and Looper. And the Grahammy Award for Best Picture goes to...
LINCOLN!!! LINCOLN!!! Awwww yeaaaaahhh! Git some of THAT, Oscars! Argo is NOT the best movie of 2012! Of course, my dad will probably be pissed that Django Unchained didn't win, but he can't blame me; this was decided by the audience. With absolutely no interference from me. Abso-lutely none...
Until 2014, Goodbye!!!
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