It starts off with dialogue worthy of Taken, which should say enough about the writers of this thing. For those of you who haven't seen Taken or Taken 2, they're prized for their explosions and plot, but most definitely not their dialogue. As with many action movies these days, the real weakness comes when the characters actually sit down to talk about the s**t they've been blowing up.
This is really a bummer when you think about what the past four Die Hard movies have been like. Ultimate quotable lines, fantastic villains, great acting, and (who could forget) the phrase 'Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**ker'. But as the franchise has expanded, it's gone somewhat downhill. The first featured Bruce Willis trapped in a skyscraper with twelve terrorists. Far and away the best of the series, this film is often called the best action movie of all time, mainly because of its breathtaking stunts and heart-pounding suspense. The second, although still good, puts Willis in a larger setting (an airport), which takes the adrenaline down a notch.
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This continued in Die Hard With a Vengeance and Live Free or Die Hard, both of which featured Willis running around the entire city of New York. As the setting got larger, so did the franchise's failures. The only exception is 'Live Free', which is admittedly a very awesome movie.
And now we have A Good Day to Die Hard. To be honest, I haven't seen numbers 2, 3, and 4 recently, so I'm not sure that I'm calling this accurately. But I think it was still better than 'With a Vengeance'. That's not saying it's good, though. It has taken the all-American spirit of the originals and stuck it in Moscow. PRONOUNCED MOS-CO, NOT MOS-COW. GET IT TOGETHER, YOU FRIGGING PEOPLE... Jesus Christ.
Still, it had one of the best 'Yippee-ki-yay' moments in the franchise, where Willis says "The things we do for our kids. Yippee-ki-yay, motherf**kers." And then he drives a truck out of a helicopter and basically neuters it.
But I refuse to overlook its flaws. So here's my list of EVERYTHING WRONG WITH A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD!!! John McClane is not a good father? You have to be kidding me. Nobody runs into Chernobyl without a shirt on. I mean, I won't even stand in front of the f**king MICROWAVE while it's running. Nobody leaves a friggin' ammo dump in the trunk of a Maybach. Jai Courtney is not John McClane's son, don't you EVER FORGET IT. Why do all the Russians always turn on each other in these movies? Very little use of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Does not take place on a major holiday. Bruce Willis is bald, again. Why are so many Russians walking in slow motion whenever someone makes a phone call? Why was the bad guy eating a carrot? How many times is Willis going to say 'I'm on vacation'? What were the Russians trying to accomplish, anyway... they had Uranium in a vault, but then... what? The bad guy gets caught monologuing. We don't get to see the pirate gun in action. The car chase scene lasts for fifteen minutes. Why did the Russian guy lie about there being a file...? How many innocent people were killed on the streets of Moscow? Why didn't McClane make fists with his toes? Why didn't he say 'Shoot the glass'? Does anyone really care? Why did John F**king Moore direct this thing? Just... WHYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?
Final score: 5/10 stars. It wasn't on the same level of Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, but it was pretty bad. If there is a Die Hard 6 (which seems inevitable now), here's what needs to happen: They need to get a good script, a good director, and a cinematographer who doesn't suffer from dyslexia. They need to get McClane back in an enclosed space, hire someone GOOD to play the villain, and arm everyone to the teeth. Finally, it must be called 'Old Habits Die Hard'. And if they use this without consulting me, I'm suing.
Bye!
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