Mile-High Billiards

I have fulfilled a mission I've wanted to accomplish for nearly ten years. At a school event, I stood up in front of about a hundred parents and teachers, and said the words "We don't want to drown in a sea of our own excrement." MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I should explain: Last night was the final day of a two-month project that culminated in a presentation about what a Mars Colony would be like. And I got to give a twelve-second mini-speech about 'waste management artisans', or for you plebeians out there, 'people who take human feces and pack it into the walls.'

The best part, however, is that my group's poster was apparently so good that it's going to be sent into Space X (not Space XXX, that's a different organization altogether). So maybe one day when a Mars Colony is actually set up, the ATVs will be based on my genius design and be emblazoned with the Vertco Motors logo.

As fully awesome as this news may seem, there are other, far more real topics that require my immediate attention. Firstly, the TSA has declared that hockey sticks, pool cues, and small knives will now be allowed on planes. This is some pretty next-level s**t, seeing as they won't let you get on the plane without taking your shoes off and getting a full cavity strip search. Jesus, just TYPING those words made me want to throw up.

A lot of people are getting pissed that they can now bring on Swiss Army Knives and not bottled water, but my problem is far bigger-- How do we know that terrorists haven't been trained in advanced billiards? Seriously, this is a big issue. They might attempt a shot like this:


That's one DEADLY f**kin' pool cue.

Meanwhile, we have a first amendment problem on our hands, and for once it has nothing to do with the Westboro Baptist Church. A New York City cop was convicted this week of plotting to kidnap, cook, and eat a woman. So yes, this is creepy. And it puts New York high in the running for my BULLS**T OF THE YEAR AWARD for 2013. The problem with the case was that the guy hadn't actually done anything yet, and had just sent emails back and forth, which he said were jokes. Now, ignoring the obvious comparisons between this and Minority Report, I think this ended wrongly. Sure, the guy's a creepy f**ker who clearly needs his head examined, but he hadn't committed a crime, and there's nothing to prove that he wasn't just joking around. I can totally imagine a scenario where one of my friends texts me something, and black helicopters show up on my street in the middle of the night.

But at least New York can say SOMETHING sane about itself, because this week the infamous large soda drink ban was struck down, just a day before it was set to be enacted. So Jon Stewart will be overjoyed. Of course, Bloomberg refused to accept this, and vowed to fight obesity until his dying days. So now New York knows what they really need to crack down on: Cannibal cops and soda drinkers.

 Bye!