But contrary to popular belief, I am NOT the most important person on the planet. Yesterday, Hugo Chavez of Venezuela died, meaning that the rest of the world will no longer be able to witness his spectacular diplomatic gaffes. Here are some of his more memorable moments:
• Locked the Uzbekistani ambassador in the janitor's closet
• Grabbed Kofi Annan's arm and forced him to punch himself in the face, while yelling "Stop hitting yourself!"
• Didn't tell the US that Venezuela owns CITGO
• Sprayed graffiti on Bosnian mass grave
• Repeatedly shouted "PENIS" during OPEC meetings
• Prank-called the UN; pretended to be Osama bin Laden
• Mooned German Chancellor Angela Merkel
• Drew anatomically correct drawings on the screens of UN translators
• Got re-elected twice
Anyway, the world is now short both an important diplomat and legendary prankster... not to mention the thousands of barrels of oil lost this week. Yes, I am saying that Venezuelans cry oil. That is a fact, look it up.
Interestingly enough, some Venezuelans think that the US somehow gave Chavez his cancer. I suppose they'll retaliate by rolling free oil barrels into Columbia just to piss us off. Or maybe they'll just dump it into the ocean and claim that it was past its sell-by date.
We've lost a ton of great dictators these past few years. Mummar Qadaffi, Kim Jong Il, Michael Jackson... but speaking of North Korea, Dennis Rodman paid the hermit nation a diplomatic visit this week to play a little b-ball with Kim Jong Un. And he returned with the news that they got along great, and that Kimmie is a really great guy. However, I believe that they only hit it off so well because they're from the same planet. I don't know where it is, but it sure as hell ain't Earth.
Wouldn't it be great if we could just send our former athletes to other countries? We could even divide them up by overall importance. Barry Bonds and Michael Jordan could go to France or Russia, while Benin would get someone like Scott Earl of the Detroit Tigers.
Bye!
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