Death From Above

Okay, is it just me, or should Iron Man 4 be in North Korea? Here's the plot: Robert Downey Jr. (not Tony Stark) is on vacation in South Korea, but he's kidnapped and taken across the border by North Korean agents. They bring him to Kim Jong Un, who orders him to build the Iron Man suit to his specifications (shorter, squatter, fatter). Downey says no, telling Kim that it's just a movie, which angers Kim even more. So he says that the suit must be built by the end of the week or he'll kill him. Fortunately, Downey has studied the suit on-set, and is able to build one and escape overnight, in the process destroying North Korea's only supermarket. He flies back to America, eats cheeseburgers, and freedoms all over the place while Kim cries into his pillow. Now that his people are starving, he orders a nuke strike on US soil, but Robert Downey Jr. foils his plot by sewing $100 bills into an enormous missile net circling the globe. The day is saved, and Kim Jong Un commits seppuku.

In other words, I'm TOTALLY PSYCHED ABOUT IRON MAN 3!!! WOOO-HOOO! After the astronomical disappointment that was A Good Day to Die Hard, I need a new movie to rally around, and this looks like it's gonna be it. You may have noticed that I haven't been reviewing many movies lately, but that's because my parents have become addicted to Breaking Bad.

It's been a slow news week. How do I know? The headline on Friday's issue of The Week was about Margaret Thatcher's death. When the headline of my favorite magazine is about one person-- 1 F**KING PERSON-- dying, it's a slow news week.

...OR IS IT? Buried deep in my weekly source of news, I found this headline: A LASER BLASTER TO PROTECT THE NAVY. That's right. Friggin' lasers. Apparently, a $40 million prototype laser has been installed aboard an assault ship in the Persian Gulf, which uses triangulated energy to burn holes in s**t. And we're STILL LOSING WARS. Christ...

But do you know what this means, people? We are just a few years away from having laser blasters instead of crappy revolvers and shotguns. That's a whole NEW game for the NRA to play. And within a few decades, who knows? Dare I say it...?



THE FRIGGIN' DEATH STAR!!! OH MY GOD LASERS!!! PEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEWPEW!!!

I'm kind of hyper right now, but you have to admit that this is amazing s**t. Unfortunately, the White House has already struck down a petition to build the Death Star, citing the estimated $60 trillion price tag. So now I'm announcing my candidacy for President of the United States in 2016. And I promise you now-- within my first 100 days in office, we will have a comprehensive plan to build a Death Star to strike fear into the hearts of our enemies.

Bye!