The Machine That Travels Through Time

Well, they've finally caught the Boston bomber. And no, it was nothing like 24. It took them THREE WHOLE DAYS!!! Jack Bauer would have gotten that s**t done in 24 hours. Still, I'm happy, because not only did they find the guy, but they were able to take him alive. He's in custody now, but has sustained multiple throat wounds, so he may not be able to talk. Which kind of defeats the purpose. But still, we now get to see a little insight into the mind of a terrorist.

Of course, now that the 'exciting' part is over, nobody cares. As of this writing, the main headline on Google News is "Jennifer Lawrence Debuts Shorter 'do at GLAAD Awards". So kudos to the news media for handling this so professionally. I know that this was some imperative s**t that ABSOLUTELY COULD NOT HAVE WAITED ANOTHER SINGLE F**KING DAY.

It seems that these days, all that happens in the news gets overshadowed by BS like "Farmer Grows Jay Leno Look-Alike Eggplant," or "Pope Agrees to Perform at New Jersey Teen's Prom." So let's talk about a news story that's been put out of our view for a while now: In Iran, a scientist has announced that he has invented a 'time machine' that gives users a view of the future. Although it's not a time machine in the traditional sense, the device gives you a look at the next five to eight years of your life with 98% accuracy.













H.G. Wells would have been proud.

Anyway, he won't let it be used by the public, and he won't tell anyone how it works. Because apparently if he does, "the Chinese will steal the idea and produce it in millions overnight." Which, in his defense, is probably true. But then the lead paint will chip off and f**k up the space-time continuum, and nobody wants that. Plus, they'll probably make some sort of manufacturing plant that belches deep-space tachyons into the atmosphere.

Anyway, if this is true, it revolutionizes the stalemate with Iran. Now Mahmoud Ahmadenijad probably knows every move we're going to make in the next decade. If something isn't done, we could face global annihilation, or even worse...

A TIME MACHINE GAP!!!

Bye!