STAR Testing

It's April again, which for some means taxes, and for others means standardized tests. And, just as I did last year, I will be publishing all the answers for this year's California STAR Test on my blog. Note: These are for version 02. If you wanted another version, sorry: You're out of luck. Here are the answers for questions 1-81 for the English test:

CJDFBGAJBHCJAFBHDJBGAHDFDGCGAJBGCJAJDGBHAJCFBHAHAGAJDGCGAHDG

AGAHB!!!!!

If anyone found those remotely helpful, I'll be surprised: That would require someone who is A) In 8th grade, B) In California, and C) Got version 02 for the STAR Test, and also read my blog today. Here are the answers for the Science section:

BHAHBFDJBFAJDGAGAGDJAHBHBGCJAHBJDHBHDFDBDGAFBHAFDGDHCHAFCHD

HDFDFDFCG!!!!!

There you have it. The Math and History tests are next week, so I'll update these later. And as always, I take no responsibility for the correctness of these answers. But I DO get good scores on the STAR tests every single time, so the choice is up to you!

My favorite part about the STAR test is the intro, which I've heard so many times, I have it memorized: "Today you will take a test to see how much you have learned. Some of the questions will be easy, and some will be more difficult. Don't worry about the ones that seem hard, just do your best and try to answer as many questions as you can. You will have 1 hour and 38 minutes".

The teacher, whoever it is, has to say that ridiculous monologue EVERY FREAKIN' TIME!!! IT'S BEGINNING TO DRIVE ME OUT OF MY MIND!!! But hey, I can't complain: The STAR test eats up two weeks that would normally be spent doing lame-ass school activities, and no one gives us any homework, except for my sadistic Spanish teacher.

Bye!

4/20

Today is one of the most important days of the year. That's right, it's NATIONAL POT DAY!!! Aaah, stoners from across the planet converging for one gigantic weedfest. To honor this day, I watched The Big Lebowski, the epitome of all stoner comedies, and the fourth-greatest movie ever (After Raiders of the Lost Ark, The Hangover, and Die Hard).

Of course, the people at my school tried to celebrate in other ways. When they couldn't get any weed, they tried to snort Sharpies, grind up Cheetos, eat bay leaves, choke themselves, sniff cat pee, and eat cake. In other news, today is also my friend Benny's birthday (as well as Hitler's and Mohammad's).



I don't always like taking stances on controversial issues on my blog, seeing as I could end up losing my reader. But really, weed should be legal. When I uploaded that marijuana leaf picture to this post, I stumbled across a massive internet culture all based on jays. Marijuana needs to be taken out of the dark, so that it can be taxed and lobbied for like any other drug. But I guess for some people, it's 'Not proper'. Whatever.

I can only imagine what the hell marijuana makes you feel like, but I'm sure it's a lot like the feeling I get when I eat Cocoa Puffs®™. And by the way, if anyone is wondering about the weird formatting for this post, Blogger changed the layout.

Bye!

Call of Duty: Modern Nørdfare

My entire school got its picture taken today (well, just the 8th grade class). As usual, I was put in the back center, seeing as I am the tallest. In the school. Period. This actually surprises me, because there really should be SOMEONE in the school who's 6' 4". But no.

We ended up having an epic battle, with the short people calling us freaks and us calling them midgets. All in good fun, of course. Then we started a march through the school chanting 'Height Makes Right!!!' We didn't see much opposition, mainly because they would have been stepped on.

Unfortunately, I have other topics to talk about today other than my epic height-itude. Remember the Norwegian guy who killed over 70 people last summer? The guy was Anders Behring Breivik, and he stated this week that to prep for the shooting, he played Call of Duty: Modern Warfare II. Three words: What an asshole. We did not need this. Video games were just about to be accepted as what they are; a legitimate form of teamwork that requires skill, planning, and problem solving to play. But then Knut of the North over here decides to out himself as a COD player. BIG HELP.

I play this game a lot myself, and I haven't gone on a killing spree yet-- THE VOICES!!! STOP THE VOICES!!! Blaming the video game industry for violence is like blaming General Motors for car crashes. It's not the company's fault if someone uses their product in the wrong way. Actually, it's even MORE different: COD doesn't sell people guns. In fact, even with all my Modern Warfare 2 training, I wouldn't do very well at a shooting range.

But we will always have a group of overreacting nutjobs who think they can comment on the subject, even though they haven't experienced either gun violence or video games firsthand. It really isn't my problem if people think that games cause violence. But consider this: Not everyone who plays Farmville lives on a farm. Not everyone who plays Minecraft mines. And not everyone who plays Pac-Man runs around in darkened rooms, munching magic pills and listening to repetitive music. Wait...

Anyway, if anyone would LIKE to comment on the subject, I ask only this: Rent MW2 for a few weeks, play about an hour a day, and then go to a shooting range. How many targets did you hit? Did you do well?

I didn't think so.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Eleven: The End?

Another thing I missed last week was the finale to the Republican Presidential Race, which all but ended when Rick Santorum pulled out a few days ago. HALLELUJAH!!! Some may say that Santorum SHOULD have been the nominee, just so that Obama would beat him easily, but I disagree. I think that anyone that stupid shouldn't be allowed so close to the presidency. And besides, I have very little confidence in the Democratic Party to run an aggressive campaign (AHEM, Kerry).

But none of that matters now. Santorum officially ended his candidacy in a good, homespun concession rant. The worst thing about this primary is that Santorum isn't even the craziest one to run. We had a Pokemon-singing pizza mogul, a Texan governor who couldn't spell 'cat' if you spotted him the A and the T, and a crazy old perpetual candidate who thinks we should let coma patients die.

Which brings me to Gingrich. Yes, Newt Gingrich, whose enormous head still couldn't store his ego. He's not giving up quite so fast. In fact, he's not giving up EVER. This is what Gingrich's concession speech is going to look like:

"To the last, I will grapple with thee... from Hell's heart, I stab at thee! For hate's sake, I spit my last breath at thee!"

By the way, if you liked that, you'll like my new off-Broadway play, 'Bad comparisons between the 2012 Presidential Race and Star Trek, aided along by some of the lousiest photoshop you've ever seen'.

So, will Gingrich drop? Never. He would sooner die. At Romney's acceptance speech for the nomination, Gingrich will swing down from the rafters dressed like Mel Gibson in 'Braveheart' and stab Romney square between the eyes. He will then grab the mic, thank everyone for his nomination, and escape in the confusion.

Or at least, that's the convention I'D like to see.

Bye!

Pinnacles 2012

I've been very demotivated all week, so I haven't gotten around to posting about my trip to the Pinnacles. So, here is my trip... IN ONE PICTURE!!!

Aaaah, those great American dirt farmers, doing their part to help out our wonderful country... Jesus Christ. Look at that place.

Central California is, apparently, just as flat and mind-numbing as the Midwest. The plus side about California is that OUR crappy towns don't have bogus tourist attractions like 'World's Largest Ball of Twine', in a feeble yet desperate attempt to lure stupid people to our towns. I want my $65 BACK, you sod-sucking grit-eating SCAMMERS!

I have to go back to school tomorrow, meaning that tonight I'm going to have some fun watching The Daily Show before I slit my wrists. If that doesn't work, I'll gouge out my eyes with a power drill.

On that happy note, bye!

Road Trip

Wow. I just found out today is Easter Sunday. I had no idea. But anyway, that isn't the biggest news here.

I'm going on another trip back to the Pinnacles with my dad. As you may remember from my 2009 post, "Republicans-- What are they good for? (absolutely nothin')", I went to the Pinnacles National Monument in late Summer, meaning I baked myself alive in 108˚ heat. Hopefully, going during Spring Break will be a lot nicer. Here's a pic from my last trip:

The Pinnacles are known for gigantic penis-shaped rocks that lie atop a dormant volcano. So... there's that.

Anyway, I won't be able to blog tomorrow, so if you want, read my old post about the Pinnacles by clicking HERE. I warn you, it's a really old post, from back when I had weird little colors for the text and a bad way of writing things. One of these days I should go back and alter all my old posts to make them better...

Oh, no... I'm becoming GEORGE LUCAS!!! Jesus Christ!!!

I need a doctor... bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Ten: Pastor of the Baskervilles

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH!!! Sweet Jesus Mary Mother of Christ on a tricycle!!! I just discovered the most sickening piece of news any human can hear!!! Remember the guy in Florida who wanted to burn the Korans? Remember him? The guy who was blamed for inciting Islamist militants into killing US soldiers?

He's running for President of the F***ing United States of America.

What kind of country IS this? In any other nation, the mere thought of this jackass running for elected office would be enough to send people into conniptions. But over here, it doesn't even make the front page.

The guy's name is Terry Jones (With ABSOLUTELY no relation to Henry Jones Jr.), and he announced his candidacy as an Independent in October 2011. Some more interesting facts about him, apart from his sociopathic holy book arson: He went to High School with Rush Limbaugh, and graduated with him. That school's pumped out some real winners, hasn't it? Jones's hometown is also the childhood home of the Antichrist.

Plus, he lost his job as a pastor back in 2009, for "Creating a climate of control and fear." WHAT THE HELL? What's wrong with this guy? But the funniest part of all this comes from his campaign announcement, during which he declared he "Wasn't as smart as Herman Cain, but as I listened to the presidential candidates, they are not letting Americans know the condition we are in."

I don't know what the big deal is about the Koran. It doesn't say anything much more hateful than something you'd find in the Bible. Note: I cannot estimate the factuality of these statements, as I have never read either the Koran or the Bible. In fact, I don't even have a Bible in my house. Wait... have I ever SEEN a Bible?

Woah... maybe not. I couldn't even find one in that hotel room I stayed at... this raises so many mind-boggling questions! Does the Bible really exist? I don't know! I've never seen it! Can't say the same for the Koran though. There's a picture of it just two paragraphs up.

The easy way to fix all this would be to make flame-retardant Korans. If they can do it with American flags, I don't see why they can't do it with holy books. Hey... if you go to Iran, is there a copy of the Koran in the hotel room drawer?

So many unanswered questions. I guess the only take-away from this post is the fact that Terry Jones will never win any nomination of any kind, so let's just humor him.

Bye!