Ted

I'm writing this from my friend Connor's house, where I'm listening to The Black Keys while listening to Calvin and Luis rage-quitting on Black Ops. It's really funny to hear how loud they get over the littlest things. They get killed once and it's "NO! NO! F*** THIS S***!!!" But I don't care. Unless they read this, I will not be in the direct path of their rage.

We were originally going to go see Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter today, but it stopped playing in theaters because it was so bad. So we went to see Ted, the first movie by Seth McFarlane, the creator of Family Guy. In reality, I really hate Family Guy. I think it's a terrible, deranged Simpsons rip-off with the same wit and wisdom of a fried eggplant. But screw it, the movie looked really good.

This was actually a really funny movie, better than the somewhat disappointing "Seeking a Friend for the End of the World". But that doesn't save it. Ted had merely okay performances, annoying Boston accents, and just felt really, really bland. It was like a hybrid of three different movies, one about a talking teddy bear, another was a romantic comedy, and another was an homage to Flash Gordon. Just... watch it. You'll understand.

Oh, and I hate Mark Wahlberg, or whatever his name is. He is terrible.

So, the final score for Ted? 6/10 stars. Worth a viewing, and definitely much better than the other, less-funny summer failures like The Dictator.

Bye!

Obama Cares

Well, we are totally screwed. Everything has just been crapped on by the Supreme Court. Sure, 'Obamacare' has been ratified, giving health care to millions of uninsured Americans, but at what COST? This is just what the Democrats needed to rally around in November. We needed a massive issue to get behind. Now, the Dems are just as bored with this election as ever, while the Republicans are amassing their forces in preparation for the election season. Romney has already reported a donation increase of $300,000. And that's in ONE DAY. What will the Democrats do now?

This issue is not going to just die away. The Democrats are having some serious issues when it comes to conviction. Now that the Republicans have rallied around Romney, the Dems need something to galvanize the base. Unfortunately, that won't happen unless Michelle Bachmann does something like this:

By the way, Kill Bill is the fourth-greatest film of all time. The thing is just mesmerizing in its originality.

You would think that the guy who united all the Democrats back in 2008 wouldn't have such a big problem with this issue. But if you look closely, Obama's rhetoric has been really toned-down lately. "Yes We Can" became "Yes, we can organize a focus group to discuss alternate possibilities for positive action in fields that America is declining in while still maintaining a delicate balance between right-wing nutjobs and left-wing nutjobs."

You see the problem. Here's another example: "Change We Can Believe In" became "I can get two Republicans to vote for change but only if we attach a rider declaring half of my laws unconstitutional and extending the Bush Tax Cuts".

Bye!

Seeking a Friend for the End of the World

Did you know that up until the 17th century, barbers were allowed to perform surgery? I'm not surprised, seeing as they just totally butchered me. You know you're in trouble when the person cutting your hair has a Flock of Seagulls haircut with dye the color of cat puke.

But let's set that aside for now. I just saw Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, the most long-winded title for a movie since Rise of the Planet of the Apes. And I have to say, I was shocked. This thing was not at all what I expected, first off. If you go to see this movie expecting a raunchy, funny, somewhat forgettable Steve Carell movie, YOU'RE WRONG. This was f***ing depressing. In its own way, it was eerily reminiscent of Coen Brothers movies, in the sense that it had no problem making comedy out of some of the least funny stuff there is out there: Armageddon.

The movie played to its strengths, though, namely Steve Carell in his best role in years. If this is what it takes for him to pull his career away from movies like Dinner For Schmucks, it's totally worth it. Also (SPOILER ALERT), it is the first apocalypse movie where there is no hope at all. The film begins with a radio report revealing that the last hope for mankind (the spaceship with the small group of racially diverse, quirky characters who would save the day in most movies) has blown up upon contact with the meteorite headed for Earth. So there isn't much reason to get attached to the characters at all. Unfortunately, with the lead actors so well mismatched, it's hard not to.

The problems, unfortunately, almost balance the positive elements. First off, this is (and it kills me to type these words) the first so-called 'romantic comedy' I have ever seen in my life. Just the two words together make me sick. That is a phrase which should only be uttered by lonely 20-something year olds on Valentine's Day when they need a pick-me-up from the video store. But this movie was, sadly, one of them. Which pretty much killed it for me. Steve Carell should never be put in a situation like that. It's not good.

Fortunately, it seems like the romantic comedy for people who hate romantic comedies (like me!). Everyone on the planet, including the stars, die at the end when the asteroid hits a week ahead of time. But for those of you who truly detest emotional movies, you may be looking forward to the end.

Final score? I really wish it were two different movies, so that I could give one 10 and the other a big fat zero. But I have to meet in the middle, so... 5/10 stars. It kills me to do that, because I really appreciate what the movie is trying to do, and I was looking forward to it a lot, but I really couldn't take a two-hour Steve Carell movie without any jokes not seen already in the trailers. It's a real shame.

Bye!

The Private Sector is Doing Fine

It's official: Obama has made his first gaffe of the election. While answering questions, he said "The private sector is doing fine". Now, it is arguable that Mitt Romney's "I'm not concerned about the very poor" was even worse, but I have to disagree. People working in the private sector far outnumber people living in destitution. Obama has alienated much more of his base than Romney ever could.

But then I remembered a few other golden Romney moments. Take a look:

• "My wife drives a couple of Cadillacs"

• "I like being able to fire people who provide services to me"

• "Some of my good friends are NASCAR team owners"

• "It's time for another old-fashioned tax revolt"

• "Corporations are people, my friend"

• "I'm running for office, for Pete's sake-- I can't have illegals!"

• (Talking about his dog on the roof) "He really enjoys it up there!"

It's pretty sad. And the only things that he has on Obama now are the latest 'private sector' gaffe and the revelation that Obama smoked weed when he was a kid. Like, A LOT. Which means that this election now comes down to this:

That poster, by the way, was made on Memebase.com, check it out if you get the chance. But I made it myself. So if that tagline ends up being used on CNN, you know who they stole it from.

But really, who would you rather elect as president? We have one person who says stuff like "Hey guys, let's go smoke some Pineapple Express" and another who says "Hey guys, let's go cut a gay kid's hair". The choice is all yours. Graham Vert

Bye!

Lee Vining

I've just come back from my four-day trip to Mammoth Lakes, and I have something shocking to report:

The History Channel has gone down the tubes.

Seriously. I turned on the TV and on came Pawn Stars, some crappy show about a bunch of dumb hicks running a pawn shop in Las Vegas. The thing is, the show would have actually been okay if it hadn't been on the History Channel. On next was Ice Road Truckers, which was nothing but some guys with beards trying to drive in Alaska. You might as well have a show about Ice CREAM Truckers.

And then came the final insult: Ancient Aliens. It was just sad as f***. These people expect us to believe that the answer to every question in the world is 'aliens'. Greek mythology? Aliens. Jerusalem? Aliens. The Cuisinart Corporation? Aliens. It's sad. It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

Oh, yeah, and then there was the actual trip. Me and my dad visited this run-down little town called Bodie. It's been a ghost town since the 1930s.The only people who have lived there since then are some National Park workers who give tours and stuff. I was walking around looking at the old, decrepit buildings and poorly-maintained road when I realized something: This wasn't Bodie, the ghost town. It was Lee Vining, California, with a population of 398.

Lee Vining is named after Leroy Vining, one of the first people to accidentally shoot himself to death west of the Mississippi. It exists for two reasons: Yosemite Valley and Mono Lake, which sit on either side of the town. It is a popular stop for psychotic truckers and vengeful serial killers. The popular tourist attractions in Lee Vining are the Lee Vining Visitor's Center, the Mono Lake coast, and the Woah Nellie Deli, where the town's citizens procure most of their salted, cured meats.

Lee Vining used to be called Poverty Flats, but the name was changed after a focus group realized that 'Poverty' isn't really a tourism motivator. It was ranked number 3,422 in Time Magazine's Best Western Small Towns, which is quite an achievement, seeing as there were 3,423 candidates. For those of you wondering, it beat out Mono City, California, which is about 1/2 a mile away from it.

Phew. I am really mean to that town. But in all seriousness, it's kind of sad. You can't tell if it was named after Leroy Vining to honor him or as a punishment for being such a moron. And the scenery was good; we saw Lembert Dome, Mono Lake, Half Dome, and the Lee Vining High School, which has roughly 15 people enrolled in it.

Okay, I'm done.

Bye!

One last thing: Over half of the high schoolers in Lee Vining are over 45. And if you're reading this, and you're from Lee Vining, I can only say this:

GET. OUT.

iRobot

AWWWWWWWWW YEAAAAAA!!!!! I GOTS AN IPOD!!! YO TENGO UN IPOD!!! ME GUSTAAAAAAA!!!!

After months of careful deliberation, my dad, in his infinite wisdom, has bought me an iPod. And it is so beautiful. Taking an iPod out of its case for the first time is like witnessing a birth (but much less grody). It is the newest member of our household.

Unfortunately, this was marred by the sudden realization that I have to complete 35 hours of community service in order to graduate High School. Are you f***ing kidding me? I didn't do anything to deserve this. Every single person in the High School I'm about to go to is going to have to work for 35 goddamn hours in order to graduate. It sucks.

However, I have found a way around it: I'm gonna do a little phone relay thing. I'll get the form for community service, and fill it out, saying that I worked for a few hours every day at the Human Fund. I'll design a website, write a slogan (The Human Fund: Money for People), and give it a fake phone number. That number will actually direct the suspicious school officials to my old, broken phone in my living room, which I will have hooked up for a few months of service. Once they call, either I will pick up, or the answering machine will lead them through an endless amount of steps in order to 'Speak to a live Operator'.

I don't know if that qualifies as LESS work than actually DOING the community service, but I don't care. It's a point of pride. I never work within the system.

Bye!

Tunisia

As you may or may not know, I sometimes like to take a break from my usual blogging routine and talk about something that isn't in the news right now. Sometimes I write about my experiences at school (which are now over, today was my last day), movie reviews, or this: A blog about a random country. I spin a globe, put my finger down, and pick the country to write about.

These aren't completely useless. When I did it with Uzbekistan, my blog was read there just a few days later. And since Tunisia, the country I picked, also hasn't been given the gift of my internet ravings, I will devote the rest of this post to nothing but Tunisia, Tunisia, Tunisia!

Tunisia won independence from France on March 20th, 1956 after winning a 'What independence means to me' contest sponsored by the French government. It also experienced a revolution in 2010, famously ousting one leader, installing another, and removing HIM within two hours. Tunisia's new president is Moncef Mazouki.

The country is famous for great strides in women's rights in recent years. These include giving women the right to choose. Many women picked the belt over the club. Tunisia also allows women to show a whopping 10% of their skin in public. Women fight for these rights routinely when cornered by five men in a dark alley.

The Tunisian flag has been proven to be used to bind and gag women roughly 45% less than the flags of Iran, Jordan, or Syria. Women in Tunisia are also allowed to vote for whichever candidate their husbands force them to, and are taught to read and write phrases such as "Tunisia is a good and just country" and "I received this bruise after falling down the stairs".

Tunisia's capital is Tunis, a city whose name took a lot of creativity. It is is also the location of the historical city of Carthage, which was conquered by the Roman Empire. The Romans killed the people, burned their city, and spread salt over the ground so no plants could ever grow there again. Since then, Tunisia has gotten worse.

Tunisia is also the location of Tatooine, the planet with two suns from Star Wars. While in Tunisia, George Lucas encountered a bloated, rotting corpse in the desert, giving him the idea for Jar Jar Binks. On an auction in 2005, a gallon of Kenny Baker's sweat (collected from the bottom of R2-D2 after a long day of filming) sold for 2.3 million dollars.

Well, Tunisia, I devoted an entire post to you. Now READ MY GODDAMN BLOG!!! The continent of Africa is falling way behind: Only South Africa, Namibia, Egypt, and Algeria have read my blog so far, while nearly every country in Europe has. Africa needs to get its game face on if it intends to be the first continent to have read my blog in every country!

Bye!

Game of Thrones

I am so done with England.

I know they give me about 100 hits a month, but seriously, they need to calm the hell down for a while. The Queen had her diamond jubilee last week, giving everyone a moment to pause, think, and then Google what the hell 'diamond jubilee' means.

For those of you incapable of a six-second internet search, a diamond jubilee is a celebration of a monarch's 60 years on the throne. As you may remember from my 2011 post about the Royal Wedding, I despise the constant uproar over a bunch of stuffy old nutjobs who, through centuries of inbreeding, have finally attained pure and unbridled senility. I will never understand Britain. Not only do they have a bunch of out-of touch old people for a tourist attraction, but they have a food called 'spotted dick', a subway system called 'the tube', and they set up rocks out in the middle of fields in the most arbitrary ways.

WHAT THE F*** IS THIS SUPPOSED TO BE??? AAARGH...

Anyway, the jubi-thingy was celebrated with a flotilla of kayaks, a pitiful fireworks show, and a fly-by that, like many things in England, got cancelled due to rain. Let's not even bother with the spectacular 75th anniversary of the Golden Gate Bridge (the most goddamn awesome bridge of all time, screw off Tower Bridge). THAT was a sight to behold.

My question is: How is the Queen alive? Is she being sustained by sucking the youth out of her subjects? Or is she actually dead, like Tupac, and is brought back for public appearances in hologram form? So many questions...

I'll just have to go back to London. Just in time for the Olympics, too...

Bye!

Long Live the Fountain Drink!!!

I was at the movies every weekend for the past few weeks, and every single time, I bought my usual 48-ounce fountain drink. Topped off with ice and a straw 1/2 an inch wide, it is truly a marvel of human engineering. I actually have a t-shirt emblazoned with the Pepsi logo. If it was socially acceptable, I would walk around all day with one of those things, trying to use the Pepsi's acidic properties to erode my braces. But no.

My love for abnormally-sized fluid containers has led to my outrage over a recent story out of New York: Mayor Mike Bloomberg has banned all fountain drinks more than 16 ounces in size. This is TERRIBLE. Like any sane person, I instantly began stockpiling gigantic Mountain Dew cups in order to have a leftover stash in case the ban hits Marin County.

I'll be perfectly honest: This ban came from the right intentions. It's just another futile effort from a city mayor to try and make his constituents less... how shall I put this... massive. But he is going about it in completely the wrong way. The ban includes no provisions about free refills, black-market cup dealers, or even a ban on ordering two SMALLER glasses of about 16 ounces each.

That's the one that burns me up: Because of Bloomberg, more plastic will be put in New York's trashcans, dumps, and landfills than ever before. And the best part is that he doesn't even care! In an interview with CNN, he said he didn't mind if the ban didn't deter anyone, he just wanted to 'get the point across'. Screw off, Bloomberg. If I don't have a few liters of Sprite in my bladder, how else am I supposed to play Sink The Boat?

The good news is that the law will most likely go completely unregulated, seeing as no one is going to go around to every 7-11 in the city and measure the amount of Pepsi you can fit in each individual cup. Although that would create some jobs.

The important message is that THIS IS AMERICA! Not even CANADA has a ban on fountain drinks! And when we start banning things that CANADA allows, you know we've got some problems. By the way, there are two exceptions to that rule: Curling and Justin Bieber should be banned here.

Bye!

A Bitter Amercia

The funniest thing I've seen this week: "Children in the backseat can lead to accidents. Accidents in the backseat can lead to children". Words to live by.

I once said back in 2008 that no one could write things as weird as the current events of today. A guy named Bernie Madoff stole everyone's money. A guy whose middle name is 'Hussein' is president. Al and Tipper are divorced. Bill and Hillary are still together. The world revolves around things called 'tweets' and The Artist somehow won Best Picture. But even I couldn't predict the latest development from the Romney campaign.

The peeps at Mitt 2012 have put out an app. Using it, someone can superimpose a Romney slogan over a picture of themselves. One of the slogans is 'Romney: For a Better Amercia'.

Did you miss it? Read that last sentence again. You see the problem.

I'll put aside the startling ineptitude that it takes to miss something like that, and focus (like I always do) on the funny side: To fix this problem, the Romney camp has to re-submit the app to Apple and send it through all the correct channels, fill out the right forms, and complete the byzantine network of red tape that it takes to get your app 'app'-roved by Apple. I should know: My G-Force app WAS scheduled to launch last month, but because of a few bugs (the app accidentally charged you a nickel for every text you ever sent), it was shot down.

The typo has led to some amusing photos, like the one you see below.

Speaking of which, Stephen Colbert did a big shout-out to all Amercians on Thursday night, asking to see Obama's Amercian birth certificate. I don't know if this will affect the rest of Amercia, especially way over here in Cafilornia, but it seems to have made a big impact in Obama's home state of Hiwaai. More on this later as delevopments come in, but one thing is for cirtaein: Either semoone from the Rmoney team really srcewed up, or they're hiring people from the jmuble to cerate there appps.

Byii!