September the Fourth, 2001

The official anniversary of the 9/11 attacks was yesterday, giving this nation a great pause to reflect back on how much the world has changed in the past eleven years, and also to watch some of the sentimental political speeches given by certain mindless plutocrats (a-hem, Mitt Romney). My favorite September 11th speech, by far, is George W. Bush's. Here is a direct quote.

"September the fourth, 2001. I stood in the ruins of the twin towers. It's a day I will never forget".

Yessss... never forget... Some might say that this was a momentary slip-up, revealing the 'fact' that Bush planned the 9/11 attacks beforehand in order to further his and Halliburton's own political agendas... ha ha... how ridiculous. Good thing you won't find conspiracy theories like that on THIS blog...

But every 9/11, I like to think back to the world on September 10th and how innocent we were. But that world is gone. And the attacks were immortalized in Peter Jackson's landmark film "The Two Towers".

My only wish is that Osama bin Laden could have been taken alive, so he could be paraded through every major city in the nation (even Philadelphia) while people threw every damn thing they could find on the ground right in his face. And then he would be taken to an electric chair, which would be wired to every electrical outlet in the nation, so whenever someone turns on a light switch--- ZAP!!! But I'm not bitter. Not at all.

And we may finally have to say goodbye to that legendary pick-up line: "If you don't let me take you to dinner, the terrorists win".

However, all is not well in the Arab world. A 15-minute clip of a movie shot by an anti-islam nutjob (guess what: HE'S AMERICAN!!!) has sent Egypt and Libya into chaos. The US ambassador to Libya was killed yesterday, and there have been dozens more anti-American rallies in the two countries. Essentially, the movie depicted Muhammad as a bumbling moron. And as anyone knows, depicting Muhammad AT ALL is enough to send all of The Middle East into a frenzy. Just ask the creators of South Park.

I pride myself on the ability to laugh at almost everything... with three major exceptions: The Holocaust, Terrorism, and Justin F***ing Bieber. Yes, those three are on par in my mind. Because of this, I usually make fun of all religions equally. Except Islam. Islam is a great and true religion revealed unto the prophet Muhammad by the angel Gabriel, blessings and peace be upon them. I just figure that Hindus, Buddhists, and Jews don't tend to get as... explosively upset, shall we say.

The one thing I wish I could do is go back in time to pick up Jesus and Muhammad. I would then bring them into the future and show them the s*** that's going down nowadays. They'd probably crap their pants. Then I'd have them go on national TV and tell everyone to calm the hell down. Jesus would probably light up a doobie during an interview on CNN, sending the Pope into a catatonic trance.

But until then, we will have to deal with the crazy fringe people who burn Korans, blow up buildings, and have their own reality shows. The fact is, most Muslims don't kill people, most Christians don't kill people, and as for reality TV stars... I'm not sure. Does killing brain cells count? So, rest of the world: Let's send all our nutjobs to a deserted island somewhere (preferably one that will be underwater in a few years), where they can yell and scream and throw coconuts at each other. My only hang-up?

We may not be able to fit them all on one island.

Bye!