White House Down

Sometimes, I find that I'm bored with 'cerebral thrillers' and 'thought-provoking sci-fi', so I need to kick back, relax, and watch some really stupid entertainment. And the film I saw today, White House Down, is just that. It plays like Channing Tatum's test run for a Die Hard reboot, which (although slanderous) is certainly not the worst option for the continuation of the series (the worst being keeping Bruce Willis on as a bald old coot).

White House Down stars Tatum and Jamie Foxx of Django Unchained fame. Foxx is surprisingly good as the president, whose name I cannot remember, and will therefore refer to as Barack Obama. I say this because Roland Emmerich (the maestro of destruction who gave us such great films as Independence Day and 2012) clearly cast him because of his resemblance to the current president. And dammit, I wish Obama was really this badass. Sure, he apparently shoots skeet, but does he drive around the White House lawn with a rocket launcher shooting at terrorists?

Sticking to the aforementioned Die Hard formula, Channing Tatum plays John Cale (not John McClane), a rogue cop in the wrong place at the wrong time (still not John McClane) who has to escape a building that's been taken over by terrorists (no, not Alan Rickman) and stop their maniacal hacker (still not Die Hard) by climbing through secret passageways and elevator shafts (seriously, how much shit will this thing steal from Die Hard?). Someone close to him is taken hostage (his daughter, not his wife) and he has to save her from the terrorists who want him dead for killing their compatriots (yeah, it's pretty much Die Hard). Helicopters are sent in to take the terrorists out (again, Die Hard), but they're taken down in an elaborate explosion sequence (hey, what's that other movie that this happens in... oh, right, Die Hard).

Despite blatantly stealing from the greatest action film ever, White House Down is still amazingly fun to watch. It's easily one of the best White House takeover terrorist movies made in 2013. And that's not a joke, does anyone remember Olympus Has Fallen from a few months ago? Yeah, I didn't think so. And as another aside, Emmerich apparently couldn't resist making a little reference to Independence Day in this movie by having a tour guide MENTION THE MOVIE ITSELF! So now he's doing product placement FOR his movies IN his movies! I swear to God...
     

Yeah... so subtle. Seriously, how did Emmerich not get sued? It's Die Hard down to every last detail. Except in this one, the terrorists are all against each other, some want nuclear launch codes, some are white supremacists, and some (spoiler alert) want to become president. But I'll leave that for you to figure out as the movie progresses.

Actually, I won't-- The Speaker of the House is evil in this movie, and planned a coordinated attack in order to kill both the president and the vice-president and assume command. His goal is to prevent Jamie Foxx's Middle East peace process and help his buddies in the military industrial complex get rich off of war profiteering. And no, unfortunately, Dick Cheney turned down the role. Bummer; he wouldn't have even needed to act.

Kidding aside, as much as I get pissed with Republicans, there's an awful lot of right-bashing in this movie. Every terrorist has some ties with a right-wing organization or something. And although that does add some realism to the film, I don't know if now is a good time to piss off our rural Pennsylvania voters who cling to their guns and religion.

Final Score for White House Down? 6/10 stars. It's an enormous rip-off, but it somehow manages to be entertaining nonetheless. An absolute thrill ride with no brain in it whatsoever. Prepare to be amazed.

Bye!

Taste the Rainbow

I just got back from a trip to Santa Cruz, so I haven't been able to blog recently. I've been crying over the state of humanity after watching fat kids from Minnesota attempt to play pinball in a sweaty arcade building. So yeah, my faith in people has been somewhat lost.

But I can't talk about the dregs of arcade-going humanity for an entire blog post (lord knows I've tried), so let's talk about something that actually matters: Knock-knock jokes. THE TRIAL OF GEORGE ZIMMERMAN started this week, and it's off to an... interesting... start. In his opening statements, Zimmerman's lawyer saw fit to tell the following joke:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who?
... Good, you can be on the jury.

The joke made reference to the fact that it's pretty much impossible to find people who are fair and impartial when it comes to such an explosive issue as this. However, it does not change the fact that you DON'T TELL A F**KING KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE WHEN YOUR CLIENT IS BEING TRIED FOR MURDER! Or did he just MISS that day in law school? By the way, I'd like to respond to that joke with my own:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
Oh, come in, George. I have some Skittles if you want some--
SKITTLES! AAA! (BLAM BLAM BLAM)
... ugh...
I STOOD MY GROUND!



Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Unless you're black and wearing a hoodie, in which case, using our product might get you shot.

I have the feeling that someone intentionally gave Zimmerman the worst defense lawyer in the country just to see him get fried in the electric chair. Not since the TRIAL OF O.J. SIMPSON has a court case gotten such national attention. And it's not gonna be over for a looooong time. Part of the defense's case is that no receipt was found on Treyvon Martin's body, so they say he stole the Skittles and tea. So to all of you criminals out there-- yeah, you people, who throw away your receipts right after you buy your Skittles-- the law isn't far behind you. One of these days, you'll slip up-- and some vigilant soul like George Zimmerman will be there to catch you when you do.

Bye!

World War Z

This year's movie season has been a bit of a dud, but it's picking up with a few unexpected hits, such as World War Z, one of the best zombie films I've ever seen. That's not really saying much, as the zombie genre is often pretty crappy. The only two notable films in the genre are Zombieland and 28 Days Later. And don't worry, although I liked this movie, this is not going to be a zombie fanboy review, where all I do is yell "OH MY GOD ZOMBIES! WASN'T IT COOL WHEN HE BIT THAT GUY'S HEAD OFF? AND BLOOD WENT EVERYWHERE? THAT WAS SO CLEVER."

So: World War Z is, of course, a zombie movie. But it's far more intelligent fare than you would expect from the genre that gave us the entire Resident Evil franchise. Brad Pitt plays a UN worker who, after securing his family aboard an aircraft carrier, travels the globe searching for a solution to the zombie apocalypse. This is the film's greatest asset, as it mirrors other great adventure films (like, dare I say it, Raiders of the Lost Ark), as Brad Pitt ventures from South Korea to Israel to try and discover the virus's origins-- and hopefully a cure.

Most of the film is taken up with zombies running amok, but the suspense is palpable in the final act, where Pitt must walk through a zombie-infested hallway in order to test his solution to the disease. Joining him on the way is an Israeli soldier who is bitten on the hand, and then gets her hand taken off in an improvised amputation by Pitt himself.



Unfortunately, the poster took a little creative liberty when it mistakenly advertised cat-zombies.

Pitt is good in the lead, and does thoughtful stares out of plane windows well, as always. Unfortunately, his hair is pretty distracting, as it whips around in the wind after a hole is blown in his plane. You would think that someone going into a combat situation would think to take a few inches off of his super-mullet before smacking zombies around, but... apparently not.

Also, there are a few plot holes-- Firstly, in Jerusalem, a woman picks up a bullhorn and starts yelling, which attracts the zombies. But are we really expected to believe that this massive city wasn't generating enough noise already? I can overlook minor things like that, but we're really never told what attracts the zombies, movement, smell, or noise.

In conclusion, World War Z is one of the rarest breeds of Hollywood film-- intelligent trash. Watch this instead of Man of Steel, which is basically just 'trash'. Final score: 6.5/10 stars.

Bye!

Indiana Jones and the Ego Trip of George Lucas

As I may have mentioned before, my hometown, San Anselmo, is the residence of infamous director and Galactic Emperor George Lucas. Recently, he's been putting a lot of his Ewok blood money into building parks and shit around town, and even buried the power lines near his house so he wouldn't have to look at them from his McMansion (codenamed The Death Star by locals). And his latest project was the Imagination Park in downtown San Anselmo, directly across from the Coffee Roasters where I get my iced coffee after bike rides.

Adorning the park are two statues, one of Yoda and one of Indiana Jones. And seeing as Raiders of the Lost Ark is my favorite movie of all time, you can see why I took it upon myself to go see the statue's unveiling today at 5:00. There was a big-ass crowd, and I was disappointed to see that the police didn't wear Stormtrooper uniforms, but it was okay. Here's a pic:
















Yeah, I got pretty close to him. And it was the best thing I have ever done. Because as George f**king Lucas walked past me, I said, not quite audible enough for everyone else to hear, "Raiders of the Lost Ark was the best movie of all time. But aliens don't belong in an Indiana Jones movie." And I swear on my unborn twins (Luke and Leia), the guy half-turned around and said quietly, "I know."

I don't expect anyone else to believe me on this, but it's what happened. George Lucas just admitted that Kingdom of the Crystal Skull was an abomination of cinema. Okay, clearly he didn't say THAT, and he wouldn't use my language to describe it, but it was amazing. Oh, and in case you were wondering (you probably weren't), here's some of my favorite terms to describe Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

• "The anus of cinema"
• "The biggest disappointment of all time"
• "The Antichrist of film"
• "The movie that should not have been"
• "Justifiable homicide"
• "The rape of Indiana Jones"
• "A cinematic abortion gone wrong"
• "A total clusterf**k of aliens and Russians that killed the franchise"
• "Vine-swinging shit"
• "Spielberg's shark-jumping"
• "Spielberg's refrigerator-riding"
• And just simply... "The worst movie since the beginning of time"

If I missed any descriptive terms for this godawful film, send them to GLucas@raybans&plaidshirts.net. I'm sure he'd love to read them. But I guess I shouldn't be too mad at Lucas. After all, the money made from R2-D2 trash cans and Ewok plush dolls pretty much paid for the park.

Bye!

East Beats West

I need to get the taste of Man of Steel out of my mouth, so today I'm gonna do something new and different: BLOG ABOUT ACTUAL NEWS. My top story comes out of Michigan, where authorities have received an anonymous tip that Jimmy Hoffa's body may be buried under a road in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. Hoffa, of course, was the teamsters union boss who went missing, and whose body was never found. Now, decades later, they're reopening the case.

I always thought that Hoffa just went back to his home planet, but apparently my conspiracy theories are being put to the test. It's the perfect place for a body, and if teamsters did it, they would have known when and where the road was going to be paved, giving them the capability to bury the body one day, and then see it covered in asphalt the next. So if you're ever in rural Michigan and find a teamsters union ring sticking out of the ground, call the f**king cops. First take the ring though, and then sell it on Pawn Stars.

Up next: According to Google News, the Taliban have agreed to enter peace talks with the US. And in Iran, the new president (replacing Mahmoud Ahmadenijanamananananaad) has said that he is looking forward to 'reforms.' These reforms being; women are now allowed to uncover their heads in public provided there's nobody around to see it, and enriched Uranium rods will be used instead of rocks in stoning.

In all cerealness, this is good news-- it looks as if the Middle East may be getting its act together. But I'm not too certain. Iran seems legit, as the new guy was duly elected... but the Taliban's offer sounds a little too much like the plot of Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which Khan gathers all elite military officers together in one room in order to blow them up. I doubt that the US military will overlook that possibility though, and will probably end up frisking the Taliban militants until they get REALLY pissed and declare an unending jihad on full-cavity strip-searches.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the Middle East still think that this is our goal:


This is the proposed 'redrawing' of the Middle East, which would create a Kurdish state, as well as split Iraq into Sunni and Shiite factions. It's shit like this that gets us detested worldwide. Because even though this solution would probably benefit all involved countries in the long run (except maybe Pakistan), it's still a really big dick move to just go right in and say "Hey, your borders are here, here, and here. Deal with it." How would we feel if Iran invaded and declared that the US was now divided between North and South?

Quick aside-- if the US WAS divided between North and South, there would be an incredible exodus of sane people from the south to the north. We would take all the trees, drinkable water, clean air, 75% of national parks, and non-insane abortion laws. And Texas? If you ever want to secede again, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Are you gone? Good.

Quick, everybody, change the locks to the country!

So, will the Mideast peace talks end well? I am optimistic. Every religion goes through some crazy f**kin' shit around their 1,400 year mark, and Islam hasn't been any different. When Christians were 1,400 years old, they were crusading across the desert, allegedly killing and eating babies. It's never been proven, but I say teach the controversy.

Bye!

Man of Steel

Wow. I am so f**king pissed right now I can't even see straight. I have a new contender for worst film of the year. And it's Man of f**king Steel. Although A Good Day to Die Hard gets honorable mention still, this one really takes the cake. It was the anus of cinema.

I mostly blame director Zack Snyder, who in the past has directed such masterpieces as 300, Watchmen, and Sucker Punch. If you didn't catch the innate sarcasm in that comment, well, this review won't make much sense to you. The guy knows how to create good visuals, but the stories and character development are consistently ABYSMAL. And Man of Steel is no exception.

Not since Superman IV: The Quest For Peace has the man of steel been so defiled onscreen. Taking a page from Christopher Nolan's Batman trilogy, Snyder gives Superman a dark, brooding persona, as well as an underdeveloped backstory told mostly in flashbacks, and a terrible series of action sequences. The Dark Knight worked perfectly for a hero as rough and gritty as Batman, but Superman... no. Henry Cavill is essentially useless and wooden as Superman himself, which really drags down the entire movie.

Never in my life would I have imagined that I would be so bored by a movie as loud as Man of Steel. It opens with one of the most idiotic and pointless battles ever, between General Zod, the bad guy (and that's all we basically know about him), and Jor-El, Superman's father. Another thing I never thought would happen: Russel Crowe screaming "KRYPTON IS DOOOOOOOMED!!!" Anyway, you know the rest of the story... Superman goes to Earth and meets Lois Lane, played by Amy Adams, who does a tremendous job of running around in high heels and screaming.



The characters do basically nothing in this film, a trait owed to Snyder, who in the past has given us such great dialogue as "Ready your breakfast and eat hearty... for TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL!" There's a good twenty minutes of explosions at the beginning, followed by an hour of what SHOULD have been character development (but wasn't), culminating in a total clusterf**k of final battles at the end which lasted a full hour. Michael Shannon does his best as Zod, but even he can't save Man of Steel from its monotonous and soul-crushing finale.

The plot holes abound in this crappy film. In the first place, Zod is exiled to another dimension, just in time for Krypton to blow up. Because he was exiled, he stays alive. So... why exile him? They KNEW the friggin' planet was going to blow up. Then he finds Superman on Earth and tries to resurrect the dead Kryptonian race, but why did he have to terraform Earth first? It had already been proven that Kryptonians not only could live, but could thrive on Earth. In fact, they gain incredible powers and become Gods. But I guess Zod wasn't interested in that. Absolutely retarded. And for that matter, why not evacuate Krypton? According to Russel Crowe, "Everybody here is already dead." But he got Superman out just f**king fine! What the hell?

And the ending sucks. I cannot repeat that enough. There are about five climactic battles, and it is F**KING ENDLESS. I wanted to just fall into the core of the Earth and die while I was watching it. Just mindless, mindless action. And just when you think it's all done, and Superman is saying something corny to Lois, Zod is back and still alive, ready to keep fighting. So that's another 10 minutes of Superman and Zod slamming into buildings and f**king shit up.

Final Score for this travesty? I'll be generous and give it a whopping 2/10 stars. This was actually worse than Green Lantern, DC's most prominent other recent failure. If the Justice League movie ends up getting made, it will totally suck. DC has now exhausted its three best heroes, and two of their movies stank (Batman being the exception). So who is going to save the franchise now? Wonder Woman? Flash? AQUAMAN? Be realistic.

In short, don't watch this pathetic excuse for a film. Stay home and rent The Dark Knight again. I am so, so, so incredibly disappointed.

Bye!

Meth and Taxes

Here's a little backstory: My parents have become increasingly obsessed with Breaking Bad ever since watching the first few episodes off of Netflix. Unfortunately, we reached the climactic finale of Season Four with nowhere else to go; although the first half of Season Five had already aired, it was not on Netflix yet. Rather than wait a year for it on DVD, we downloaded it off of Amazon.

So now we're sitting here watching Live Free Or Die, the first episode of Season Five, and probably a lot more. And I'm pretty creeped out by how much my parents love this show. So over the next few hours, as we binge-view our way through this, I will keep this blog post up as a running experiment, just to see what exactly it is that makes Breaking Bad so addictive.

6:20-- We begin. Epic title sequence. I love this f**kin' show.
6:28-- Walter White is a badass. Bryan Cranston's career should just skyrocket after this shit. He just blew somebody up with a homemade bomb and is now kissing his infant daughter.
6:31-- ODAMN, Hank is in the underground meth lab and has seen the video camera that Gus has been using to watch Walt with. Now Walt's gonna have to destroy the tapes Gus made before Hank can find him. SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
6:34-- Apparently the only people living in New Mexico are scowling, angry bald men.
6:39-- HOLY SHIT THEY'RE USING A MAGNET TO WIPE GUS' LAPTOP.
6:45-- Great, now the guy who Skylar pressured into paying his $600,000 debt has woken up from his coma. That'll go well.
6:47-- YEAAAH! MAGNETS, BIOTCH!
6:49-- Ted's a vegetable now. He slammed his head against a marble countertop and is all f**ked up in the head.
6:52-- They're driving up to an evidence room to activate the magnet and wipe the laptop.
6:59-- Saul Goodman is the funniest TV character I have ever seen. This guy is amazing. Best. Lawyer. EVARRRRR.
7:02-- First episode is over. This show is like crack. I am in f**king love with it. How could any human not love this show? It does not compute.



7:07-- It looks as if the guys funding Gus are now under investigation for their involvement in the enormous meth-producing factory.
7:09-- Well, the guy looks guilty enough, seeing as he's now killing himself by using a defibrillator to give himself a heart attack.
7:11-- Yeah, Walt. Hold on to the ricin-poisoned cigarette and study it for a while. No way something bad could possibly happen.
7:12-- God, it would suck to be a Roomba in Jesse Pinkman's house.
7:17-- It's official. Walt is the devil.
7:18-- It's official. Walt is my favorite character in all of TV.
7:23-- I can't decide whether Hank is an awesome detective, or just the most oblivious DEA worker of all time. His friggin' BROTHER IN LAW is the meth king of Albuquerque. He doesn't know what the hell is going on half the time, and the rest of the time he's analyzing clues that no normal human would be able to see.
7:28-- Mike just said he doesn't want to kill eleven people to keep them quiet. He's losing his touch.
7:34-- For the first time, Mike and Hank are coming face-to-face. And it looks like Hank and Gomie are nailing him.
7:42-- HOLY SHIT, Mike is a badass. He just distracted a guy with a stuffed animal pig, broke into his house, and snuck up behind him with a silenced pistol before the guy even knew what the f**k was going on.
7:45-- Never mind, Mike is so not losing his touch.
7:47-- Now Mike decided not to kill a woman who already sent a guy to kill him. He's losing his touch.
7:50-- Good holy crap, this show is friggin' amazing. Skylar is now just as corrupted and evil as Walt. I have nothing to say. This show is like visual crack. I am addicted. BREAAAKING BAAAAD!!! Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duuuuuuuhhhhhh....

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part III: Prism Schism

Hey, guess what I'm typing this on? Two guesses. No, not my dinky iPod screen. And no, not my parent's computer either. Yes, good readers, I am writing you from my brand-new HP laptop, a marvel of human engineering. Why watch 24 on your iPhone when you can watch it in high-definition on a 15-inch screen? Yeah, I couldn't think of a reason either.

I'm pretty satisfied with life right now. Finals are over, and my Geometry and Science tests were in fact far easier than I thought they would be. School's out, and I can now look forward to 10 whole weeks of doing what I do best: NOTHING PRODUCTIVE WHATSOEVER. Except summer reading. And community service. And the 'summer engagement project', in which I have to find something that inspires me and create a project around it. The catch: Some of it has to be outdoors, and I just got a laptop, so... yeah. That probably won't work out.

But I can't take a total break from news in order to talk about my BRAND NEW FRIGGIN' AWESOME LAPTOP, so it's time to talk about boring shit. Yep, the f**kin' whistle blowers are at it again. According to my best sources (meaning John Oliver and Steven Colbert), there is a secret government program that records everything you ever do. Called Prism, this supercomputer sifts through billions of phone call records, emails, and text messages every day in order to find links to terrorist groups. Seems innocuous enough? Let me break it down for you.

I now give you... a situation that can actually happen in America today. A terrorist needs to call his local Toyota dealership in order to purchase a car for use as a bomb. Instead, he dials the wrong number, and calls your home. Prism records this call, and when the Toyota salesman who is secretly a CIA agent busts his ass, you are sent to Guantanamo with him. Totally possible; I am not using any hyperbole here at all. Or sarcasm.



Or, of course, the upside is that if you ever need to remember that website you visited that one time back in 2009, just speak loudly and clearly into your new Xbox One, and I'm sure that some helpful soul at the NSA will get right on it.

So what does this mean for America? That the psychopaths who wore tinfoil hats and yelled "THE GOVERNMENT!!!" in the streets were right? Of course not. What it DOES mean is that most Americans are perfectly fine with having their personal freedoms stripped away in favor of decreasing the chances that the next time they get on a plane, five guys with AKs will bring it down. For most, it's a difficult decision. For me, not so much. I choose FREEDOM!!!! Life's no fun without the off-chance that you'll get blow up tomorrow, right?

That was sarcasm, for those of you unschooled in the fine art of reading comprehension. But believe me, this is not a slippery slope. Sure, we're monitoring phone calls, but guns go unchecked to this day. Guess which one Republican legislators support.

Bye!

I Don't Give

It's the end of the school year (in two days), so I'm going to start a little tradition here at G-Force. I know that most of my readership is comprised of either family members or friends (or people from Finland), but I would like to devote this blog post to my peeps at school-- who probably haven't ever read a single paragraph of this blog. But nonetheless, I'm going to go through the TOP TEN MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF THE 2013 SCHOOL YEAR!!! And for those of you who don't go to Drake High School, I will provide explanations for why these things were so damn funny. Here we go.

10) "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MINORITY IN AMERICA!!!" Yeah, this takes some explanation. One day, a Sophomore in my class wore a Redskins sweater to school, prompting our Drama teacher to go on a half-hour rant about how "YOU WOULDN'T SUPPORT A FOOTBALL TEAM CALLED THE N*****S!!!" And yes, he actually said the N word in class. I kid you not. Our teachers are very passionate people.

9) CALVIN GETS HIT BY A CAR: Surprisingly, when my friend Calvin was hit by a car, it wasn't his fault. He was just crossing the street when an old woman ran him over. He then stood up, ripped off her rear-view mirror, and threw it on the ground. It gets better: Apparently she didn't have insurance, but instead offered him free acupuncture at her clinic. He is going to sue her as soon as he gets me a free acupuncture session. Whoop-dee-f**kin'-doo.

8) DOCTOR HEINZ VANHOUSIN: After being cast as a psychotic German scientist in a 10-minute play, I reprised the role for my next one... and hopefully every play I have to do next year. It isn't so impressive over the internet, but I do a pretty good German accent.

7) "LINE 'EM UP AND WHAMMO! BATTING PRACTICE!" This was my History teacher's completely sane description of the Rape of Nanking, in which Japanese soldiers lined up Chinese peasants and smashed their heads open with baseball bats. It hasn't been proven per se, but as always, we teach the controversy.

6) RELIGIOUS DEBATES: After I found out that my friend Luke was a Protestant butthole, I realized that for the first time in my life, I had the chance to have intelligent religious debates with someone. Instead, we yelled at each other all year, finally culminating in me stuffing a fossil in his face and yelling "THERE! FOSSIL!" Also, when he asked me and Calvin where you go when you die, Calvin so eloquently said "Uh... the ground. Duh."

5) SOUL MAN: Me, Calvin, Connor, Luke, Bing, and Oscar enacted a Blues Brothers dance routine for our PE class. While all the other groups did shitty 'country western' or 'interpretive' dances, we got up FULLY SUITED UP and pwned the entire school. If you want to see the epic video, click HERE.

4) "THINK OF IT LIKE A TRAIN!" This was my math teacher's pneumonic device to get us to remember the Transitive Property of Equality. And it still doesn't make any sense. Good thing it's not on the final. She also coined the phrase "Random stuff just comes out of my mouth... I dunno," and "Graham, I'm a horrible artist, come up and draw this on the board."



I like trains.

3) "HAVEN'T YOU EVER HAD A BAD DAY AND THEN GONE HOME TO DUMP ALL OVER YOUR MOTHER?!?!" Yep, this needs explaining also. We were reading The Catcher in the Rye in English class, and our English teacher was having us enact little skits where we pretend to have mental problems (like Holden Caulfield apparently did). One of the ones given out was projection, which means to have a bad thing happen to you and then take it out on someone else. We didn't quite understand that, and so our English teacher offered up this fantastic description. Of course, that's not what it sounded like to us...

2) "APPLES ARE RED... EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE NOT." Actually, this is for our entire Food Project, but this quote deserves to be taught across the nation. If you want to see how the entire project went, just scroll down to see the post entitled Food Project 2013 and watch it. It's funny as crap. And you get to see Calvin trying to pronounce the phrase 'DIY'. Also, our Science teacher came to our dinner. He's the guy that coined...

1) "I DON'T GIVE!" Yes, the number one slot here is taken by my Science teacher's funniest quote of all time. He was yelling at my friend Luke, who then tried to justify himself... leading to this. You can tell that he was going to follow it up with "A SHIT" or something, but didn't quite go for the gusto, leaving us with I Don't Give, the funniest quote, moment, or story from my entire school year.

That's all I got. If you've read this blog post, you might as well have actually gone to my school for the past year. This is all that was important. Oh yeah... and that 'learning' stuff... HA!

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part II: The Walls Have Ears

I am taking a break from excruciating finals studying to blog here, so... you're welcome. I am making a page of notes for Science, writing my poem for English, studying for my Spanish test, and doing a giant-ass packet for Math. So yeah, I need some time to let off some steam.

My poem is actually pretty damn good. It's about a wall in the middle of the desert, and it's all... existential... or whatever... with symbolism... and stuff. English teachers eat that kind of stuff up, right? Here's the finale I'm considering for it:

The setting sun slips through a crack

The darkness consumes all

And lo, I cannot give a crap

About this giant f**king wall

I probably won't use that, though. Not precisely the best way to finish off a year of English class. But fortunately for you, I won't bore you to death with the details of my abysmal poetry. Because for the first time in two weeks, there's been an interesting news story! Last week, Edward Snowdon, a government employee, released a series of over 200,000 documents that basically say that the NSA is spying on everything we do. So, this leaves one question:

Didn't we already know this?

Seriously, what the f**k? I thought that ever since the Simpsons Movie, people knew that the government has been listening in on every phone conversation you have. It's been this way since the passing of The Patriot Act. So why the hell is this big news? OHHH... I GET IT... It's because back THEN it was BUSH, and NOW it's OBAMA! It all makes sense!

To be serious, that's the only reason why anybody cares. These are the same people who wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, need to know 'the truth' about Benghazi, and think Iron Man is putting listening devices in their homes. Translation: They are absolutely, unequivocally, F**K NUTS. I cannot be kind about this. Anybody who thinks that the government is competent enough to pull off such a monumental cover-up is clearly delusional. I'm super cereal here, guys.

Anyway... yeah, the NSA listens to everything you do. I didn't care in 2007 and I don't care now in 2013. I have nothing to hide. If you seriously (or cereally) think that some poor soul in a darkened room in the Pentagon is pouring over every correspondence you've ever had, you are gravely misinformed. If that were true, they would seppuku themselves after endless hours of funny cat pics.

No, what the government USUALLY does is either compile phone records to use in a criminal case or search E-mails for the phrases "White House", "bomb", and "President". 

OH SHIT-- I JUST USED THE ILLEGAL WORDS. I CAN HEAR THE HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY'RE COMING FOR ME. PAY HEED, PEOPLE-- THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND CUT OPEN MY CHEST-- AND IT'S ALL LEGAL UNDER OBAMACARE!!! WHY DID I VOTE FOR OBAMA??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

Bye!

Finals Destination

I am totally done with society. The last two weeks of school have been ridiculous. I turned in my Food Video, took five tests in two days, retook a Spanish test twice, took ANOTHER Spanish test, wrote an epic poem that I now have to memorize, and... I'm out. I am totally done with school. And it's not a good time for that, because finals are this week. F**k.

It's not that I'm bad at taking tests, but I get nervous over shit like this, I will admit. I used Finals Calculator.com to ascertain that I need As on my History, English, Drama, and Science finals, as well as an 88% on my Geometry final in order to not BRING DISHONAH UPON MY FAMIRY! But holy crap, man... there has to be a better way. I've spent all of today studying my ass off while taking five-minute breaks for, you know, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom... the little stuff.

I don't know what to say.... this blog post probably seems really friggin' weird, seeing as I'm tired, overcrammed, and the heat is baking my brain. I could always to a steam of consiousness blog [post but thats goinag to arealu fuasd uap how well yoau roansd undesartand what im trying to saysdfawfhc

KUMQUATS!!!

Okay, I'm back. Seriously, my brain is fried. There has to be a better way to evaluate people in school than to give them seven tests, each of which counts for 20% of their final grade, in four days. Why does this even exist...

Time for my FINALS HAIKU!

I am really f**ked

Where did the semester go?

F**k f**k f**k f**k f**k

Hopefully I will be able to return to my regularly scheduled blogging regimen by the end of the week, but I wouldn't count on it if I were you. I will probably pass out after Thursday night, not to mention the epic sleepover scheduled for Friday... that'll be interesting. 

Also, my beautiful new laptop is expected to arrive by the 18th, so that will probably get me back in the swing of things. Untilal thena, expeca tah more blaod gposts like thias one, acomete with asdpelling aers andaf barin sacells taht have ben torn asunder.

Bey!