Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of Crappiness

Well, it's that time of year again. The candidates for 2012 are starting to emerge. My prediction: The Mayans predicted the catastrophe of 2012, but didn't know what it was. What will actually happen is Sarah Palin will become president and nuke the entire planet.

So, as usual, I have to do EVERYTHING. This won't be the first time I've saved the planet; I defeated a robot revolution from the future and stopped aliens from enslaving humanity. But whatever. This time, I have to do something even more important: I'm running for president.

This isn't the first time I've done this. Last time, I failed epicly, getting only five votes, all by old people from Florida who couldn't make out the butterfly ballot. But this time will be different. Now I have the foolproof political tactic of having a $957,000,000 campaign budget. It's the same tactic we used in Iraq, so what could go wrong?

Here's a pic of my campaign logo:

Nice, huh? It has that edgy, liberal look along with the patriotic red, white, and blue. Epic.

People, I'm going to the Asian Art Museum in San Francisco tomorrow. Some of you might say that this is something silly and unimportant. But it isn't. I have good, reliable intel that tells me that the Asian Art Museum is home to one of the most sought-after relics known to mankind. You know what I'm talking about.

KING TUT'S PENIS!

Join me next time for more tales of the pharaoh's schlong!

Sayonara, Capybara!