Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Six: The Egyptian Conniption

Yeah, this series is back. As for some of my readers who may come in late, I will give a quick overview of this long-running series.

In 2010, the body of King Tut was inspected. After a thorough examination, it was found that his 'one-eyed pocket cobra' was MISSING. No joke. After searching for hours on end, the news finally got out, prompting mass panic and street riots in Egypt. Of course, some will say that this was only to overthrow their leader, Hosni Mubarak, but I think we should teach the controversy.

Eventually, the 'Li'l Nile' was found, but some experts (myself and Stephen Colbert included) believe that the 'Mummified Cheeto' was SWAPPED, for one of two reasons.

1) According to historians, Tut had a severe case of the shrinkies. In other words, the Egyptians may have stolen it to cover up for their ancient king's inequality.

<<< Hmmm... they say that someone with a larger sarcophagus is compensating for something... hmmm...

2) The theory that I, personally (and Stephen Colbert) believe: King Tut's penis has magical powers!!! You see, the self-professed mentalist Uri Geller recently bought an island in Scotland, saying it was the burial ground of an 'Ancient Egyptian Treasure', and that he was aided in his quest by a magical orb that once belonged to Einstein. No, he's NOT crazy.

Well. 'Ancient Egyptian Treasure'. Seems legit. HA! This can mean only one thing-- Geller is closing in on the hidden location of the most sought-after relic of all time:

KING TUT'S PENIS!!! DUHDUHDUUUUUUUUH!!!

Well, enough of the recap. What new information do I have? Oh, I don't know. Just go on Wikipedia and look up Uri Geller. Guess who he's related to. I bet you can't. Do you know? All right, I'll tell you.

SIGMUND FREUD! THAT IS IT! THE ENTIRE FREUD FAMILY HAS HAD AN UNHEALTHY OBSESSION WITH DICKS FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER!!!

That's what this is. Sigmund Freud didn't actually believe any of that gobbledygook he spouted off-- he was just sending a message to his descendants, in the hope that one day, they would follow in his footsteps and pick up where they left off! I figured it out! Your plan didn't work, Sigmund! I WIN!!!

Now, I must go to Scotland! Uri Geller is about to have the fight of his life!

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Three: Oh, the Hermanity!

Newt Gingrich is such a bad person.

Someone had to say it. When he was asked a question the other night about his ex-wife (who he left when he found out she had cancer), he didn't answer the question. Instead, he embarked on a long, monotonous egotistical power play in which he railed against the debate moderator for opening with the question. It is now official; mark the date. This is the day that South Carolina 'family values' voters cheered the most disgusting human being on the f***ing face of the planet.

But it's not just South Carolina. In other debates, the audience has booed a gay soldier and cheered at the thought of a hypothetical man's uninsured death. If ANYONE has a credible explanation for this phenomenon, please step forward.

Stephen Colbert's epic last-minute campaign in South Carolina seemed to have no effect. As it was too late for him to get onto the ballots, he decided to run under the assumed name 'Herman Cain' (no relation).

<<< Herman Cain

He held a rally in South Carolina just before the primary and you'll never guess who showed up-- No, not Ozzy Osbourne. Herman Cain.

<<< Herman Cain

The guy has practically redeemed himself. After Colbert (sorry, Herman) has made fun of him for almost four months now, Cain (the other one) got up there with him and didn't even punch him out. They even sang a really crappy song together.

But Cain will never live down the day he crossed Uzbekistan.

Never.

Bye!

Anyone... Anyone... Anyone... Bueller?

I am currently home sick, and I've been sitting in bed all day feebly playing the guitar and reading Doonesbury comics from 2005. I hope my decreased mental capabilities don't make my blog difficult to compreherpa derpa ood nrg phx ga? MBMB lbsintoff kinshorfadorf asdf aoien do, hoopa AAAARGHHHH...

Yeah, exactly.

Whenever I take a day off from school it always feels like I'm Matthew Broderick in Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Especially today, because my friend Connor was sick, too.

Now, I wouldn't know what I'm talking about here, because I've almost never faked being sick to get out of school. But here are the ground rules to comprehend that I've picked up on that will save you from any school day. Note: These may vary between parents.

#1: I've never gotten a chance to do this; I only saw it in the aforementioned movie and Foxtrot. But the THERMOMETER TO THE LIGHTBULB is an ingenious way of raising your temperature fast. Now, I haven't ever been able to do it because my parents always stay in the room while I have a thermometer in my mouth. What a shame.

By the way, if you didn't get that reference, you need to play more video games.

#2: Here's an interesting tactic I picked up from my friend Riley: If you wake up and immediately say 'I'm sick', your parents will still make you go to school. But if you LEAVE SCHOOL BY CALLING THEM it seems like you truly tried to tough it out. Now: Mom, if you're reading this, I'm not faking sick today or any other day. I just happened to use the same thing that Riley does, and I didn't even think about it until well after I got home.

#3: HIT THE RIGHT SYMPTOMS. This is something I picked up from Calvin and Hobbes, and it especially applies when you're a little kid. You have to hit the sweet spot between commonplace symptoms and stuff that gets you taken to the doctor. Ferris Bueller recommended clammy hands, but if I were you, I'd shoot for the sudden, sharp pains in the head or legs.

#4: TELL NO ONE. Seriously, if you tell your friends 'Uh, derp, I faked it', you might as well kiss your ass goodbye. No matter who it is, they can most likely not be trusted. They will tell people, just you wait.

#5: This one will definitely vary between parents, but it's certainly true for mine. If your symptom is a headache, WAIT TO PLAY THE XBOX! Like, seriously people! It's not hard! As soon as your peeps see you staring at a glowing screen after complaining about a headache, they'll automatically think you're OK enough to go back to school.

#6: PLAN AHEAD. If it's a big math test you're trying to miss, don't tell your parents about it or they'll make you go. And if they DO find out, take a page from Ferris Bueller: Act remorseful and pretend you actually WANT to go.

Ferris Bueller's Day Off: BEST MOVIE EVER.

And there you have it. Some of those things are genius, others are just common sense. But if you follow these guidelines, you are well on your way to becoming a successful and enterprising liar.

Bye!

The Shark Steam Mop

Breaking news here at G-Force: The Shark Steam Mop is now ahead in the polls. I started a poll on my blog 20 minutes or so ago, and now The Shark Steam Mop is leading the polls with 100% of the vote!

What this spells for the other candidates remains to be seen, but I can call this already. The Shark Steam Mop has practically won the nomination. Think about it: The Shark Steam Mop created more jobs than the other candidates COMBINED, just from the 90-minute Shark informercials. Also, it seems much more relatable and human than Newt Gingrich.

It has so much experience as a candidate. Its only problem is that it sided with the 1% when it eradicated 99.9% of the germs in your laundry room. If elected, it will even give you five EXTRA steam pads--- ABSOLUTELY FREE!

Gingrich, Romney, and the others might as well just drop out on this one. No one can face off against The Shark Steam Mop in any category, be it cleanliness, user-friendliness, or ability to clean in tight spaces.

And there you have it. The Shark Steam Mop: Savior of the Republican Party.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Two: Io-Whaaa?

I am as happy as it gets. Newt Gingrich won South Carolina. Stephen Colbert is launching exploratory committees for a presidential run. And we just found out that Rick Santorum (Google his name!) actually WON Iowa. This means that no Republican candidate has yet won two states. And therefore I am in celebration.

You may remember this picture from about a year ago, when South Carolina won my 'Bulls*** of the Year' award for dumbest state in the union. Boasting a horse-lover and a governor who stretched the boundaries of the term 'Appalachian Trail', SC won by a massive margin.

This year has got to be Texas, which executed prisoners and gave us Rick Perry (who, by the way, dropped out). Huntsman quit too, which leaves only five actual contenders: Romney, Santorum, Paul, Gingrich, and Colbert (who is running under the name 'Herman Cain').

Now, normally I'd say Colbert would win this easily, but even Republicans aren't dumb enough to think he's actually one of them. Which means that there are only three possibilities: Romney, Santorum, and Gingrich, each of whom have now won one state.

This is going to be so epic.

Bye!

Like a Boss

I need to keep this really short. I am blogging from the computer lab at school. This is really intense.

I'm in the middle of a big Spanish project where you're supposed to make a brochure in spanish for a place anywhere in the world to visit. I naturally did Las Vegas, because of all the Hangover possibilities.

Oh God, the substitute's looking over here. I gotta end this. I'll add a picture later.

Bye!

SOPAthetic

According to my best sources (Memebase), there is a bill in congress preparing to censor the internet with copyright restrictions. I will say this right now: if this passes, I am getting arrested. My 2011 year-in-review post showed at least eight 'copyrighted photos'. Not to mention the past three years of blogging, over which I have probably put more than 500 pictures on my posts.

Where does congress get off? Who in the wide, wide political landscape of America has the GALL to think they can just stick their asses into the internet and just WALK AWAY? To find the answer to that question, I would normally check Wikipedia. BUT IT'S F***ING BLACKED OUT!!! Wikipedia is protesting SOPA (the bill) by blacking out all their pages, and now I can't do my goddamn homework! Arrrgh...

But fortunately, Wikipedia DOES have two pages up: Ironically, the ones on SOPA and PIPA (respectively, the house bill and the senate bill). And I discovered that the biggest asshole of all time is Lamar Smith, who, as you may have guessed, is from Texas. And now it is time to lay into him like a boss.

Dear Lamar,

Go screw yourself. Your website sucks. Your face sucks. You suck. See, I'm allowed to say stuff like that because I am an American. I can say crap like that because of a little something called the First Amendment (giving us freedom of speech). I know you got both of my representatives on board with your egomaniacal power play (they are Barbara Boxer and Dianne Feinstien, who are now numbers 2 and 3 on my s*** list). But that is no reason to think you can just take the helm and revise the internet to your own liking.

Oh, and by the way-- you know those pictures on your website? Copyright infringement.

I swear to God, you asswipe... if you pass this bill or ANYTHING LIKE IT, EVER, I will come to Washington. Along with every other person who uses the internet (everyone in America besides my Aunt Edna). And we will bring our computers and personally beat them over your

Oh no... Oh, God, it's begun!

Run for the hills, people of the internet! Off to Canada! Walk as far as you can until you find a signal! Now go, before they do it again---

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part One: Iowa & New Hampshire

Well, it's happening. Mitt Romney is slowly becoming the nominee for president. Yeah, that's right. Even though he is a gigantic jackhole who can't say anything without being boring, he has just won Iowa and is, as I type this, in the process of winning New Hampshire.

As opposed to Old Hampshire, I guess. Wherever THAT is. And while we're at it, I'd like the locations of Old Zealand and Old Jersey.

He actually won Iowa by eight votes--- EIGHT! That's fewer people than the peeps who actually saw The Darkest Hour (in theaters now, for the twelve people on the planet who are interested). I swear, someone must do something here. And this means...

I must withdraw from the presidential race.

I know, I know. This seems unexpected. But I need to give my prospective votes away to John Huntsman. He is the only SANE person in the entire freaking Republican party who can decently lose to Barack Obama. Because let's face it; the outcome might not be set in stone, but it IS set in diamond.

Well, there you have it. Oh, and Huntsman came in third, so maybe he will finally be in first place at some time.

Bye!

Southparkalypse

South Park is the greatest TV show of all time.

That's it for me. I no longer have to watch any other shows. The Big Bang Theory can go screw itself. MASH sucks. Family Guy... I never liked in the first place. Seinfeld is officially bumped to second.

Nothing is better than South Park. It is fantastic. It is beautiful. I am in the process of watching every single episode. In fact, I need to finish this blog soon so I can watch another. Maybe 'Margaritaville'? Or how about 'You Have 0 Friends'? They're all fantastic. And if anyone says South Park is nothing but crude humor... you have never seen the show. Or maybe you just don't know what 'good' means. But I don't care.

There's Stan, the sane one. There's Kyle, the Jewish one. There's Cartman, the fat, racist one. And there's Kenny, the constantly doomed one. Stop reading this post right now and watch every single South Park episode ever, starting with the two I just mentioned.

Are you still reading? The hell? What did I JUST tell you?

Stop. NOW. Really, I mean it. Go watch every single South Park right now. ARE YOU DENSE? ARE YOU NUTS OR SOMETHING? DO IT!!! HERE, IF YOU'RE INCAPABLE OF DOING THIS YOURSELF, I'LL GIVE YOU THE LINK!

South Park

There. If you are still reading this, you have issues. Do you REALLY need further instructions? Once you click the link, go to the giant box that says FULL EPISODES at the top! M'kay? Then go to season 14, and select 'You Have 0 Friends', okay? It's the fourth episode from the left! JESUS---

That's it, I'm ending this post right now. If you're so bound and determined to NOT watch the best TV show of all time, you'll have to read reruns of my old posts.

Bye!

Mission: Apparently Possible

Well, I've finally gotten around to blogging about Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol, which I saw about three weeks ago. Let me say this right now: I never saw MIs one through three, but all I know is this. Ghost Protocol blew me the hell away. Sure, it wasn't THE BEST MOVIE EVER, and there's still no reason to see it when you have alternatives like The Losers or The Expendables, it is pretty parkour. Tom Cruise may kind of scare you, but there are some fantastic scenes in this thing.

Really, I have a pretty big soft spot for any movie with Simon Pegg. He is in three of my favorites; Hot Fuzz, Star Trek, and Paul. And he was fantastically cast in MI4. Unfortunately, the movie didn't give us much new stuff, and aside from Tom Cruise dangling from the side of a building, the plot was a bit of a re-hash. Rotten Tomatoes gave it 93%, but I'm lowering that to 7/10 stars.

LIKE A BOSS.

On to a new topic. Science class sucks. I swear to God, we had to pick random elements from the periodic table to do reports on, and OF COURSE I get Barium. Barium is one of the most useless elements ever. It is used in X-Ray machines with some other elements and that is it. Oh, and it's used to make fireworks green. Even its number is stupid: 56. WOW. Why couldn't I have gotten an interesting element? I'm not asking for Gold, but would it hurt to give me something like Ytterbium or Cesium, which actually DO stuff? Well, Ytterbium doesn't do much, but it's an assload better than Barium.

Screw you, fate. Just screw you.

Bye!

Occupy White Hill

Hey, peeps. I am currently blogging from the Occupy White Hill HQ, where we are over 500 strong. The entire student population of White Hill Middle School has allied with us. We are the 99%. The teachers control all the power, and they are just trying to keep us down. FIGHT THE POWER!

Oh, and by the way, Michele Bachmann has finally dropped out of the GOP race after she won only 5% of the vote in the Iowa Caucus 2012. This means only one thing. UNCORK THE CHAMPAGNE!!! TWO DOWN, SEVEN TO GO! LIKE A BOSSSSSSSS!!!!

Anyway, this means we are another step closer to our goal: Having a person younger than 20 in the White House this year! We cast the ballots in our own goddamn caucus, and unfortunately, everyone voted for themselves. But it doesn't matter. As the old adage goes, 'May the most electable man win'.

So, adults: Be warned. us kids have put up with your crap for long enough. It is time to FIGHT BACK! WE ARE THE 99%! WE ARE THE 99%! YEAAAAAAAA!!!!

Whoo! Man, I got a little caught up in the heat of the moment there. But who cares. The battle to re-take the country back from the old peeps will be a long and hard one. None of us care. We are all devoted to our cause. Teenager across Marin, uniting as one to fight back against the oppressive and (If I may say so) totally uncool adults. We will take America back! Provided, of course, that we can actually make it out of bed before noon.

But this is it! We are taking our country back! We WILL get one of us elected to the White House, and we WILL start an equally powerful third party! And if you old people start blaming us for everything, we'll just tell it like it is:

We're cleaning up the mess YOU made.

Bye!

HAPPY GODDAMN NEW YEAR!!!

Hey, people, it's a new year! And before the apocalypse rains death upon us, try to figure out the key news stories of the year (covered by your friendly neighborhood blogger) that are represented in these pictures!

I'll give you the answers... sometime... if I feel like it. See you next year!

Bye!