Argo

I was thinking this week about what I could be for Halloween. I know, I'm almost 15, which is why I consistently need to make the costumes exceedingly ridiculous. Last year, I was a "Young, enterprising soon-to-be voter poised to take over the country when you're old and frail!" It did really well, in terms of scariness.

Don't get me wrong-- I hate Halloween. The stupid costumes, the ridiculous decorations, the hypocrisy of taking candy from strangers. Which is why every year I mock the crass consumerism of this moronic holiday with another ridiculous costume. Hence, this year, I'm dressing up as a Mormon. I'll get a Mitt Romney mask, wear a button-down shirt with rolled up sleeves, and go door to door saying "Have YOU found Jesus?" Or words to that effect. I know, I know... it might just be TOO scary.

Every Halloween I feel like that guy in the movie Lethal Weapon, who says "I'm gettin' too old for this s**t". But I always feel compelled to do another send-up of it with some deranged costume that would get me kicked out of any normal Halloween party.

I had other things to do this weekend too, but they never can infringe on my usual weekly PATENTED G-FORCE MOVIE REVIEW!!! This week, we have Argo, the newest suspense thriller from Ben Affleck. It chronicles the ludicrous attempt to exfiltrate six US embassy workers who escaped the riots in Iran. Ben Affleck plays Tony Mendez, a CIA agent with a plan to get them out using a fake movie called 'Argo', which is basically a low-budget Star Wars rip-off. Right off the bat, you know this isn't going to be your run-of-the-mill thriller-- Not only does it have a gripping plot (which also happens to be a true story), but it has John Goodman as a Hollywood makeup artist who adds a welcome amount of humor to an otherwise unfunny situation.

 
Affleck, of course, also directed and acted in 2010's The Town, which received several awards and critical commendations, yet I hated. So seeing as Argo was also critically lauded, I went in nervous that I would once again find myself in the minority opinion.

Wow, I was wrong--- Argo blew me away. I can't say too much about it without spoiling some of the best scenes, but I can say this. Every scene rippled with intensity. Even in the least interesting moments, Argo will have you on the edge of your seat. And the amazing thing is that it's a true story, which is a good thing: If it wasn't, it would probably be dismissed as too ridiculous even for Hollywood.

But no, this really happened. And as you can see by the final scene (where the movie scenes are interspersed with actual footage from the 1970s), the filmmakers went into painstaking detail to cast people who actually looked like the men and women in real life. Argo's biggest triumph, however, may be that it instills upon the viewer a sense of patriotism and national pride that not many other movies can. It could turn a peace-loving hippie into a glorified chicken hawk who wants to get his empire on.

It also does a great job of showcasing just how messed up Iran has become. When Ayatollah Khomeini died, grieving mourners ripped apart his body out of pure insanity. And so, there are 12,000 bootleg 'Ayatollah fingers' on eBay for thousands of dollars each. It's up to you to decide which ones are real and which ones are just the fingers of poor, desperate Iranians trying to make a few bucks by slicing off their fingers.

Since then, Iran has gotten worse.

So, final score for Argo? 9/10 stars. The only (the ONLY) problem I had with it was the overuse of the phrase "Ar-Go f**k yourself", which wasn't even that funny the first time. But that's it. This will go down in history as a great movie, not just of 2012, but of all time. We finally have a worthy candidate for Best Picture, and I can actually get behind it.

Bye!