The Biggest Earth-Budge Ever

The end of the world is coming.

It's all over. Every single living thing on Earth will tumble into a fiery pit of death, doom, and destruction. Trees will emit a gas that makes humans kill each other randomly. People's faces shall melt off of their skulls like water off a duck's back. Molten lava will burst out of the crust of the Earth, setting fire to all of mankind and its knowledge. The core of the Earth will then implode, sending fissures all over the surface, finally culminating in a massive explosion seen only from space as the miniature blip in the universe that Earth was!!!

In other words, I went back to school five days ago. This is not a joke: All my favorite teachers are f***ing GONE!!! Our crazy PE teacher, our ridiculous science teacher, the spanish teacher, the colorblind math teacher, the OTHER science teacher--- POOF. All gone.

And these new people scare me. I'm not even going to get into this. The way I see it is that all the previous school years were just goofing the hell off, but 8th grade is when all the teachers get together and say 'HOLY LIVING F***! THESE KIDS ARE ABOUT TO GO INTO HIGH SCHOOL!!!' So they start to panic and cram every last bit of information they have down our throats.

But it's Friday afternoon. I don't even want to THINK about school. Let's talk about what I've missed in the days I haven't blogged.

Item #1) There was an 'earthquake' on the east coast. It was horrendous. Sidewalks cracked. Lawn chairs toppled (see below). People ACTUALLY WENT ON WITH THEIR LIVES!!!

Forget the massive 7.9 that devastated San Francisco (the best city ever) back in 1906. Or the handful of 8.0 magnitude quakes that have hit Chile, Haiti, and Japan over the past year. THIS requires our attention.

Item #2) I got back from my three-day trip to Mammoth Lakes, Yosemite, and Mono Lake two weeks ago (but I still haven't blogged about it). All I can say about that trip is this: Mono Lake looks like the surface of the moon, REM is awesome, altitude sickness is not good, when hotel pillows say 'no allergies' they don't mean it, and the brakes on a Volvo S40 don't function well on a 90˚ incline.

Really, that's all I can say. The government won't let me reveal anything else.

Oh, and unscramble the letters in Mono? MOON. Coincidence? Yes.

Item #3) Michelle Bachmann won the Iowa Straw Poll using the foolproof tactic of paying for votes and having the only air conditioner in all of Iowa. Oh, and she also had a petting zoo.

Yaaay.

All this means is that Bachmann has officially been chosen as the GOP's nominee. It doesn't mean she's beaten Obama.... yet. Because as we all know, the Aimes, Iowa Straw Poll has an uncanny history of predicting presidents. It totally called Pat Robertson's win over George Bush, and it also chose other presidents such as Bob Dole, Phil Gramm, and President Mitt Romney.

Bye!

The California Academy of Doom and Gloom

I can't wait for summer when school days are done

Just video games or outside in the sun

Instead of mathematics or boring old tests

Just afternoons spent on an Xbox live quest

It's hard to be patient

It's hard to be cool

It's hard to believe it's the first day of school.

<< The Superintendent, Principal, and Vice-Principal of White Hill Middle School.

The Aftermath (Part Eight)

Today it all came together.

I realized what happened on my trip, down to the last detail. I will now relate to you the less embarrassing details of the trip that time forgot.

After we left stonehenge, we went to a musty little pub that sold us hamburgers with rectangular buns. I ordered a drink called absinthe, which I thought was a type of lemonade. Instead, I ended up screaming from the top of a double decker bus, thinking I was being assaulted by zombified spiders as I beat them away using a stick I mistook for a submachine gun.

The next day, I took a train through the Chunnel of Love and ended up spending five hours explaining to French customs why there was an exact 'replica' of the Rosetta Stone in my bag. I was still a little whacked-out from the absinthe, and they weren't convinced of my innocence, so they stuffed me in the backseat of a massive Mercedes and drove me to an undisclosed location. To get out, I repeatedly hit the back door with the Rosetta Stone, turning it to dust.

FYI, it had nothing to do with King Tut.

I got a rental car and finally showed up in my hotel in Dinan a day late. There was a big music festival going on, and I spent the night out on the town. Unfortunately, someone mixed my order up with someone else's in a pub, so instead of a double-fudge sundae, I got a vodka-roofie sundae. I believe I officially lost my mind at that point. Who knows what kind of havoc I caused.

I then took a train to Paris, and bought a French copy of my favorite magazine, THE WEEK. It was in French, of course, but somehow I understood every word. When I finally showed up in my hotel in Paris, I had somewhat recovered. I had the best American hamburger I ever had at a place in the city (no joke, they actually have American restaurants in France), and had fun watching more odd cars (not just Skodas, but Dacias, Ladas, and Talbots).

The next morning I needed some food desperately, but the hotel didn't provide breakfast, so I had to go forage. I got some Coco Puffs, but as it turns out, I was all out of Euros and only had Pounds, which are easily confused. I ended up trying to smuggle them out through the wine cellar beneath the store, but I got a little sidetracked. Long story short, I followed a tunnel, ended up in custody of some Libyan suicide commandos, and was taken to Tripoli, where Mummar Qadaffi had his bodyguards tase me for entertainment.

I escaped by tying sheets together, but there weren't enough, so I had to also use Qadaffi's pet boa constrictor and iguana. I was almost out of the compound when I realized the iguana was on my back. I freaked the f*** out and the guards heard me, so that's when I got in a speedboat...

Oh my god. It was pretty intense. The Hangover Part III should take place in Paris.

On my way back (still on the speedboat), I accidentally rammed a barge carrying dozens of gold ingots. One hit my head, inducing amnesia, and I was carried with the barge to its next destination...

San Francisco.

Wow. That was my fourth-greatest adventure ever. And that was the tamer stuff. The more serious things I will never reveal.

Ever.

Bye!

<< That evil... EVIL iguana...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes

So, I just went to see the eighth installment in the Planet of the Apes series (after Planet of the Apes, Beneath the Planet of the Apes, Escape from the Planet of the Apes, Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, Battle for the Planet of the Apes, Behind the Planet of the Apes, and a remake of the Planet of the Apes). It was pretty good, but its overall feel left something to be desired.

Andy Serkis (of Gollum fame) was fantastic as Caesar, the leader of the Ape revolution. But James Franco (who I always get confused with Frank Jameso) was pretty boring to watch, and besides the apes, there wasn't much in it to call 'spectacular special effects'. The only reason it seems to break new ground visually is because no one animated a chimp before. Transformers: Dark of the Moon was more visually awesome than this.

But really, it makes up for it with a great performance, a cool premise, and some kick-ass apes. And it feels good to see the transition between this and the original movie. Peppered throughout the movie are Chalton Heston references and repeated mentions of a manned spaceflight to Mars going awry, causing the shuttle to become lost in space. If you remember from the original, that's how Heston ended up on the Planet of the Apes in the first place.

Final score 6.5/10

Maybe this movie will open up some ground for my spoof...

PLANET OF THE APPS.

My treatment is already written up. In the script, apps become sentient and decide to move into the physical world by invading every iPod on the planet. The last remaining humans must try to prevent the only safe iPod from a massive digital virus onslaught.

SPOILER ALERT: The 'Destroy the Statue of Liberty' app plays a big role.

And if anyone is interested in this idea, yes, I am accepting investors.

Bye!

Winning Streak

I have just been informed that I have won four free Giants tickets for September third. Yeah, that's right. You see, I am the most incredibly lucky person on the face of the Earth. I entered a raffle at my local library. I read one book, entered my review, and didn't do anything else, and now I'm finding out that I just won four Giants tickets. In fourth grade, I entered one ticket, but won TWO prizes-- 49'ers tickets and kangoo jumps (don't ask). And in poker, I have almost never lost an all-in round (see my previous post, Poker Face). I just happen to be an incredibly awesome person.

I am very lucky, which is more than I can say for the aforementioned SF Giants, who lost yesterday 9-2. EPIC FAIL. We didn't even get to see the infamous beard, BRIAN WILSON, the man made of awesome. My east coast (or Uzbekistani) readers may not know of the beard, so here's a quick overview:

Brian Wilson is the closer for the Giants, and he has 150 saves. He claims to be a certified ninja, who can defeat his opponents with pure thought power. His incredibly dark facial hair has a fan base of its own. It is a beard so dark that staring at it can actually cause severe brain damage. He also has a huge mohawk. FEAR THE BEARD.

He was recently fined because he wore the wrong shoes pitching (or as he put it, having too much awesome on his feet). He doesn't think about pitching while he's on the mound, he thinks about how Cholulah sauce tastes on Pop Chips. He says he's been known to throw Chuck Norris at 100 mph. He is the destroyer of worlds.

So, if you want to move to San Francisco now, I don't blame you. Bye! << The Beard

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of Uzbekistan

Well, I have some fantastic news. Actually, I have TWO pieces of fantastic news.

Remember my cliffhanger? Well, here's the scoop: Indiana Jones #5 is in production, and Harrison Ford says he doesn't care if Indy dies! This is incredible. Of course, none of us want to see Indiana Jones die, but we can't leave the franchise off with Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. Now, they're still throwing ideas around, so let me make my submission for the Indiana Jones 5 title. Are you ready?

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Temple of the Last Crystal Skull.

And my second announcement--- I am declaring Operation Uzbek Storm a success! As you may or may not remember, my goal was to have my blog read in a country that ends with '-stan'. So, I picked a random stan country (Uzbekistan) and devoted an entire blog to Uzbekistan-related topics. Well, I was read in Uzbekistan TWICE yesterday, along with Sri Lanka and Peru! So, because this was such a resounding success, I'm going to do it with all the countries that my blog has not yet conquered. First stop-- Mauritania! Expect Mauritania's post in a few blogs!

And I'm gonna go see Rise of the Planet of the Apes today (hopefully the movie is better than the title), so look forward to another movie review. Bye!

The Nation of North Dakota

Yeah, that's right--- BREAKING NEWS.

North Dakota might not be a state.

I know, that sounds unbelievable, but North Dakota is not officially a state. It is still, in fact, a territory. Let me explain:

In all state constitutions, it is required that the elected officials of the branches of state government swear to uphold the constitution, HOWEVER--- in North Dakota's constitution, the executive branch is not required to swear the oath, bringing it into conflict with the US constitution.

Which brings us to an even more sinister thought...

DECOY STATES.

What if North Dakota isn't the only one? What if twenty or thirty of our states are fake? But if we could prove Alaska isn't a state... that would be beautiful. Sarah Palin would no longer be able to run for president.

But what if some of our states are sleeper cells placed here by other nations to destroy us in fifty years? Yeah, I'm thinking of YOU, Missouri. Or Delaware. And maybe Florida was just placed here to interfere with the 2000 elections. We need to launch a full investigation.

What about plagiarized states? I think Wyoming is a direct rip-off of Colorado.

On a lighter note, we have some fantastic news about movies--- actually, I don't know if you're ready for it. No. You're not. I'll just let you guess. Maybe I'll tell you in a few posts... maybe I won't.

Bye! Hehehehehehe...

Norway? No Way!

Unless you've been living under a rock for the past week, you've heard that there was a terrorist bombing in Norway. I've always been a big fan of Norway (even though it hasn't read my blog yet). Scandanavia is awesome. But I read something in The Week that scared me a bit.

The bombing may have been fueled by American blogs. Yeah, that's right-- AMERICAN BLOGS. So, on behalf of all American bloggers, I have prepared this statement.

STATEMENT TIME!!!

Dear Norway,

Hi. Um... look, Americans may not be the smartest or the skinniest. We may not be well-groomed. We may stand in crowds holding signs likening Obama to the Joker. We may wait in lines for day and night to purchase marginally improved iPads... where was I going with this?

The point is that all Americans are not like this. The only reason anyone thinks that is because the ugly, biased, fat, racist Americans are the only ones who end up in the news or with their own cable talk shows.

Thanks for understanding. And, if anyone from Norway actually gets around to reading my blog (a-hem), I'll know about it!

But then again, I don't want to seem like I'm making this all about America. So, let's talk a little more about the actual bombing. The bomber, Anders Breivik, killed 76 people. But because Norway's harshest punishment is 21 years in prison, this guy could be out in 2032! That really sucks. Norway, you need to up your crime & punishment.

Moving on, my insane cat, P-nut, may have fleas. We found odd little black dots all over him, which might be flea crap. So, if anyone has any insight onto what they might be, tell me in the comments (because I'm getting tired of beating out P-nut's beds with a golf club).

Bye!

The Aftermath (Part Seven)

I've got my camera working, and you know what that means-- more mysterious trip pictures! But these have me stumped. Look.

Confusing, yes. But I have a hypothesis. That's a statue of Eisenhower. And the only place in England where they would even HAVE a statue of a US president is the embassy (which explains the security cameras).

Why would I have been at the embassy? Most likely, I incited an international incident, but that's the obvious explanation. Who knows why. Definitely not me.

We had a nice little family reunion a few days ago. Which is weird, because the word 'reunion' implies that I already knew these people. It was interesting. The food was good. And I got to see my aunt, who we affectionately call 'The Terminaunter'. Really. She can shoot laser beams from her retinas. If we hadn't come to that party... yeesh. I don't know what she's capable of. I'm afraid her walker would transform into a minigun and fuse with her arm. Needless to say, we drove like satan himself was chasing us, because if we had been late...

Let's move on. There was also a six-year old who seemed to think I was a god. The funny thing about six-year olds is that they think that everyone else thinks it's fun to go explore hotels. It was actually pretty funny. All he could talk about was 'Graham, where are we going next?' Of course, he called me 'Grant'. He ended up hanging off my arm like some sort of aquatic parasite.

Little kids are like, obsessed with me. It's probably because I'm thirteen years old and six feet tall. I was also the only one in the room who could carry on a conversation with him, because I was the one who was most recently six. For little kids, the world is a magical place full of venues where it's okay to chew on people's shirts.

Bye!