Back in Black

I have a new candidate for best summer movie, and it's Men in Black III, the long-awaited follow up to the more than somewhat disappointing MIB II. I'll say this right now: There was a very low chance I wasn't going to like this one. The first Men in Black is sitting in position 17 on my list of best movies ever, and it's on DVD in my room.

One of the plusses I saw first off was that the worms got very little screen time. Sure, they're funny, but they ruined the second one and created a Jar-Jar Binks-y feel that was kind of off-putting. The opening sequence is just weird as crap, but if you can make it past a guy's clawlike hand pet being smuggled into a lunar prison in a jello-like pink cake, you're ready for the rest of the movie.

This was Will Smith's first film for almost four years, so it was great to see him back onscreen-- and in the suit, too. But the movie was really made by its supporting cast, which included Andy Warhol (who is actually an undercover MIB agent), a replacement for Zed, the old burly guy who ran the show in the first two movies, a fifth-dimensional being who can see alternate outcomes in the space-time continuum before they occur, and Josh Brolin as a young Agent K. The whole plot revolves around a time-jumping alien who wants revenge for when K blew off his arm and put him in jail 40 years ago. To do that, he had to travel back in time by jumping off of the Chrysler building.

I'm sure you've figured out most of the plot from the previews (which you've watched to excess, right...?), and I don't want to spoil the death-defying finale for you, so I'll just say this: Although I'm only giving this 8/10 stars, it was actually more enjoyable than The Avengers. You may have gotten a moment of glee watching the movie five years in the making, but to see the original MIB agents back on the big screen is just a little too awesome.

Skip the Dictator, and if you have to, skip The Avengers. WATCH THIS NOW.

Bye!

Oh, and by the way, the Golden Gate Bridge is officially 75 years old! I went to see the fireworks over the gate last night, and it was really intense, except for the morons next to me going OOOH! AAAAH! OH SWEET JESUS, PRETTY LIGHTS! Anyway, the night went off without a hitch-- or a terrorist attack, which I was surprised by.

Failbook

It is official. The zombie apocalypse has begun. I have to begin stockpiling RPGs, shotguns, can openers, and Twinkies. If anyone in the immediate area has a bunker or a bomb shelter of some kind, please let me know. I am an invaluable survival partner. I can't think of a reason why, but I'm sure I have SOME skill that separates me from anyone getting mauled and devoured. There has to be SOMETHING that sets me apart...

Aha! I collect quarters.

I win.

I should explain. In Miami today, police had to shoot and kill a man assaulting another man on the freeway. What made this different is that A) Both were naked and B) One guy was chewing the other guy's face off. God only knows what the F*** happened there, but my guess is that the Umbrella Corporation is based in Miami.

Fortunately, if the zombie virus begins to spread, us Californians will have plenty of time to get ready as the zombie hordes lumber across the country. And once the outbreak hits the deep south, you won't even be able to tell who is and isn't a zombie. They'll all be eating nothing but raw meat and growling unintelligibly.

In other, non-zombie related news, Facebook opened its IPO this week, just before Mark Zuckerberg got married. Coincidence? No. Because the stock opened before the marriage, the new Mrs. Zuckerberg would have no legal claim to it in the event of a divorce. Well played, Mark F***erberg.

Wait a second... I see what's going on here...

FACEBOOK CAUSED THE ZOMBIE OUTBREAK! Think about it... as soon as someone tries to deactivate their Facebook account, a bunch of suspicious-looking Russian mobsters will show up at their house and inject them with the zombie virus! This is just the beginning!

I am so, so lucky I don't have a Facebook account.

Bye!

The Dictator

The summer movie barrage of 2012 is off to a good start, thanks to The Avengers and The Dictator, a hysterical, nonsensical film starring Sacha Baron Cohen in his first leading, scripted role.

It didn't quite blow me away, but then again, I wasn't expecting it to. The Dictator follows Admiral General Aladeen, the President-for-Life of Wadiya (which is actually Eritrea). His trip to speak at the UN Assembly is thwarted by his closest adviser (Ben Kingsley). He ends up stranded in New York on a mission to assassinate his double and reclaim power. SPOILER ALERT! By the end, he's married to an organic food store owner and has allowed for the first 'democratic' elections in his country.

The whole thing reads exactly like the rise and fall of Mummer Qadaffi, but it doesn't make it too much more outrageous. It reminds me of the old adage "How do you improve on perfection?" And the vegan foods woman was the definite low point of the film. It started off fantastic, though, with a dedication to Kim-Jong-Il and a speech he gives about the Wadiyan Nuclear Weapons Program.

The finale was good, too: He gives a great speech paralleling America to a dictatorship, mentioning phony elections, waterboarding, wiretapping, propaganda, brainwashing, and a media that feeds on fear. You couldn't tell if he was describing Wadiya or the midwest.

It's not perfect, but it's a good way to blow time in between watching The Avengers and the other summer movies we've been promised: The Dark Knight Rises, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Men in Black III, and some lesser-known films that should be good. Final score: 6/10. To be clear: I definitely liked it, but it was a little too short, and some parts (where he seemed to have a heart) really dragged it down.

Bye!

(PS: The movie has been banned in Turkmenistan and Tajikistan)

Romney 2012: THE WORST

I'll be perfectly honest.

There was a time when I thought that Mitt Romney would make a perfectly viable president. He seemed sane enough, at least compared to the other options (a-hem, Santorum). It was almost like he was actually ready to be president. I was feeling very open-minded to other ideas, and very disenfranchised about Obama.

F*** that.

I am DONE. Mitt Romney is the biggest bag of crap since... well... Rick Santorum. The man is a massive asshole. It just has to be said. While Obama becomes the first sitting president to support gay marriage, a story breaks revealing that Romney bullied a gay kid in high school. His defense? "People change".

I'm not going to get fully into the semantics of why this is pathetic, disgusting, and blatantly stupid on so many levels. I'm just going to say this: Everything about Romney is awful. From his wife driving 'A couple of Cadillacs' to his comment about how 'The trees are the right height' in Michigan. From his conniving, sniveling voice to his poorly-veiled control over his Super-Pacs. The man is scum. He looks down on the rest of humanity and assumes that they will vote for him because they are idiots. Now, this may be true, but no one should really be stupid enough to vote for Mitt Romney.

I just had to get that off my chest. Sorry. But it still stands. In November, the only people who should vote for Romney are blind people (who can't see who they're voting for) and his rich cronies who 'Own a few NASCAR teams'.

There is some truth, however, in the fact that when Obama changes his position, it's 'Evolving', and when Romney changes his position, it's 'Flip-Flopping'. But Obama never said outright that he didn't support it, and Romney is just all over the place when it comes to his opinions. So maybe he'll eventually come full circle and say that it's okay again.

This whole 'Romney-as-a-bully' thing kind of throws me. I always felt that HE would be the one getting beat up. Think about it: He would always have a TON of lunch money, and just LOOKING at the guy's face makes me want to punch it. But the more you think about it, the more it makes sense. The man made a living giving small companies the financial equivalents of indian burns, noogies, swirlies, purple nurples, cringes, and nut kicks.

So, as I said: The man is scum.

And on that happy note, bye!

Civil War Day

Oh my Jesus Christ lizard balls. I just had the most unbelievable school day ever today. All the 8th grade history classes are learning about The Civil War, so today we had Civil War Day, which SHOULD have been the crappiest day of the year. We had to dress up and act stuff out. It was stupid as f***.

But I should have had faith in the student body. My class was designated as the 54th Massachusetts Regiment, the first all-black fighting force in America. As soon as we found that out, the entire class realized we could do whatever we wanted to. And if someone told us to knock it the hell off, we could say "Oh, it's because we're black, right?"

In short the whole day was a disaster for the teachers and a success for the students. We pretended to screw up our right and left sides in the marching station. We yelled the lyrics to The Battle Hymn of the Republic in loud, monotone voices in the singalong station. We tried to steal the Civil War cannon recreation, and shouted annoying comments out during the flag-signaling station. Then I taught the others a different form of signaling: How to say various profanities in sign language.

The best part, however, would have to be when one of my friends (who actually IS black) decided to play the part of a confederate general. I won't get into details, but it was frickin' hysterical.

Lincoln would have been proud.

Bye!

Awesomeness Assembled

My mind is completely blown/dead right now, partly because I just ran all the way home from the movie theater with a medium-sized Pepsi in my belly, but mainly because I just saw The Avengers. And I was blown away. My mind is reeling. I can't speak in coherent sentences. Just... wow.

Not to say it didn't have its flaws. It occasionally makes the mistake of confusing what it's trying to do: Does it want to be funny or serious? Does it want to be Iron Man 3 or Transformers 4? And Nick Fury got a little too much screen time for not having a superpower. His big line in the movie is when he asks Thor what a quarter pounder is called on Asgard.

Another issue is that the whole 'bad guy' concept is really crappy. They could have used any of a half-dozen villains, but NO! They had to go with Loki, the annoying, sniveling, conniving, Romney-like douchebag from the worst of the Marvel movies: Thor (click HERE for my old review of it).

They finally got the Big Green Guy right, though. There's not too much talking and just enough smashing. My main beef is, as always, Captain America, who is an incredible asshole. And I totally called it in my last post: He expressed knowledge of some racial slurs and said, kind of bluntly, "There's only one God, and he doesn't dress like that". Of course, he was talking about Loki's horn-helmet thing.

Not to spoil the whole thing, but Iron Man saves that day (as usual), because, well... he's F***ing Iron Man. And of course, Iron Man 3 is scheduled for 2013, so he lives until then at least. I was also impressed with Hawkeye, who turns out to be much more useful than I thought he would be. Unfortunately, the baddies take over his mind, so... oops.

And then there's Scarlett Johansson. There are a few scenes where you can tell that Thor is a little distracted around her.

IF YA KNOW WHAT I'M SAYIN'.

So, final score? Well, the flaws listed above are too numerous for a flat 10/10, but this warrants a solid Nine. Good (but not great) plot, enough badass characters to outweigh the crappy ones, and special effects that will blow your mind.

See it. NOW.

Bye!

Blind to Tyrrany

Today is Cuatro de Mayo, the day THE AVENGERS comes out. Due to circumstances completely within my control, I'm going to go see it tomorrow instead of today. It's a bummer; I would have liked to see the midnight premiere.

I always wonder why Captain America isn't some giant asshole from the 30's. He always seems to have adjusted so well to modern-day life. Shouldn't he be calling Nick Fury racist slurs or giving third-graders chastity rings? On the other hand, the economy seems to be just about the same.

But even awesomeness assembled can't blur out this week's top story: A blind guy escaping from house arrest in China. Chen Guangchang, winner of the 'Most Stereotypical Chinese Name' for five years running, had been under house arrest for 19 months until he had enough. He scaled a wall, ran to a getaway car, had a friend drive him away, and claimed asylum in the US embassy. Did I mention he's blind?

This guy is like the Chuck Norris of China (sorry, Jackie Chan). He did all of this BLIND. It's unbe-f***ing-lievable. Or maybe he's just wearing those sunglasses because he wants to realize his dream of becoming a Las Vegas Chinese gangster.

I have over 10,000 movie references that I could use here, most referring to The Hangover or The Big Lebowski. But I won't put you through that.

The good thing about all this is that it revitalizes the belief that America is a beacon of hope and freedom in the world. It's not like Chen claimed asylum in the Uzbekistani or the Moldovian embassies. And the cause he was jailed for? He tried to expose the Chinese One-Child Policy of involuntary abortions and sterilizations. This would never have happened if China had given its peeps some basic human rights, but NOOOO!!! Well this is it! NO MORE MR. NICE DYSTOPIA!!!

Eventually, they say that Chen is going to be recaptured and put right back where he came from. But really, I think we can all agree.

This is a moral victory.

Bye!

THIS BLOG CONTAINS NO EDUCATIONAL MATERIAL

To finish the week, I have the STAR Test answers to both Math and History 8th grade tests: Here's the Math (version 05): CCFAHCGCGBFCHBJCGCHNGDFDFCHAFDGDFCGAFDGDFCGAJCGC

JDGAFCJAGCJBJAFDGCGBFCGBHAJBFB!!!

And here are the answers to the History test: CDGCJAJCGCHCBGBGDJCGAGAGAJCHBFBHAJAGCGDHBJAHDFDH

AJAHCJCGCHAJAGBHDGBJFBGDGDFBFBHDFB!!!

I don't know if you fully appreciate the lengths I have to go through to do this. I use a complicated cypher, coding each individual answer as I bubble it in, and then hide the corresponding letters in an intricate picture that I draw myself. So please... a little respect.

LULZ! No, I just write them all down. I'm actually really surprised I haven't been caught yet. It's ridiculous. But still, the entire school system is beginning to seem more and more inept the further I get through it. Case in point: On the STAR Test, there are random blank pages that say "THIS PAGE CONTAINS NO TEST MATERIAL". That's when I like to draw this little guy:

I think that's actually Nicholas Cage.

In other news, Newt Gingrich finally suspended his campaign, leaving Mitt Romney with only one obstacle: A troll-like marxist, who shouldn't be too hard to beat. We now can look forward to seven whole months of the actual election.

And I'm already bored.

Bye!

Secret Service Scandal Spectacular!!!

There's been another incident at my school, White Hill Middle School. Some sixth grader cracked his head open on the pavement, and was driven off by the paramedics. It's pretty intense, seeing as in the past few months, some guy tried to pole-vault over a gate and busted his hand clean open and another person was smashed into a locker and broke their arm. Our school isn't particularly violent--- it's just excessively apathetic. And it's like my friend Benny said: We needed to shake things up a little.

It's possible, of course, that they were just trying to commit suicide after bombing the Math STAR Test. I'll have my final answers for you by tomorrow.

There's been a series of events recently that I feel obliged to comment on. They're saying that it could rock the foundation of this presidency. So, without further ado, I give you... my new segment:

Yeah, it's some pretty good Photoshop. And by the way, if you couldn't tell, the reflection in the Ray-Bans is a hooker.

Like I said, there's been a scandal. The Secret Service has been douchin' around in Colombia, hiring hookers and haggling on prostitution costs. This strikes me as odd, seeing as there must be more fun things to do in Colombia than sit in a hotel room haggling with a hooker about what the cost is.

But this reminds us all that the Secret Service is human. And like the rest of us, they have certain needs, that can only be amplified after sitting in a room with Joe Biden. And speaking of the Executive Branch, check out Obama's speech at the White House Correspondent's Dinner 2012 by clicking HERE.

In other, more frivolous news, a bratty kid has become a national phenomenon. And no, I'm not talking about Rush Limbaugh. During a Rangers-Yankees game, an engaged couple caught a foul ball a few feet away from a little kid. The freaking brat threw a gigantic temper tantrum, leading people to call the couple 'insensetive' and 'heartless'. I say, let that kid cry. He will literally grow up to be a douchebag if he isn't told at an early age that you can't always get what you want.

BUT IF YOU TRY SOMETIMES... YOU JUST MIGHT FIND...

YOU GET WHAT YOU NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEED!!!!

Bye!