Django Unchained

The 2012 movie season is winding down, and it's going out with a bang... literally. Django Unchained, Quentin Tarantino's latest ridiculous gorefest, has finally hit theaters (a week after its planned release date, given the Newtown shooting in Connecticut). This is because, frankly speaking, this movie is horrific. Not many movies can make me uncomfortable, but THIS was stepping precariously close to the edge. Still, it was one of the best movies of 2012.

Many people argue about whether violence in movies causes violence in real life. I say NO WAY, and if it does, movies like Django Unchained don't cause it. If anything, they DETER people from committing acts of violence in real life. Only a really, really, REALLY sick human being would voluntarily see the kind of things in that movie... IN REAL LIFE. And it's my professional opinion that that kind of person doesn't exist.

As for the plot, well, it was a classic Tarantino revenge movie (in the vein of Kill Bill, the fourth-greatest movie of all time). Django is a slave at the beginning, but is freed by a badass German bounty hunter/dentist who needs Django to ID two outlaws for bounty collection. When he sees how good Django is with a rifle, he takes him on as his partner and the two go on an epic quest to find Django's long-lost wife, who was sold into slavery and separated from him.

So yeah, it's one of THOSE movies. Topping off its 2 hour and 45 minute running time is the classic Tarantino signature--- LOTS AND LOTS OF BLOOD. The most memorable moments in the film include a fantastic shot of blood flying on a field of cotton balls, turning them red, and the final shootout, which paints the walls of Leonardo Dicaprio's mansion a deep crimson hue. Tarantino has been at the peak of making great visual films, and this is no exception: For better or for worse, you'll remember the images from this movie for some time.

However, this movie had one flaw: There were absolutely no moments in the entire film where you felt the slightest bit of respect, sympathy, or mercy for the villains. And that's because all the villains were RACIST BUTTHOLES. There's no sugarcoating it. But in every truly great movie, the villains are also truly great, be it Darth Vader, Hans Gruber, HAL 9000, The Terminator, or Sauron. As awful as any one of those characters may be, you have to admit, they're pretty f**king awesome. So when you see a movie like Django Unchained, there's nothing else to do but massacre these slave-owning sodsucking southern asswipes by the truckload. And maybe THAT'S why Django Unchained has gotten far more flak for violence than any other film. Because the people being killed are so UTTERLY DETESTABLE that the other characters and the audience get great pleasure whenever one of these morons gets his head blown up.

Movies usually try to avoid that pitfall. Even the best movie ever, Raiders of the Lost Ark, comes dangerously close--- but it makes the decisive (and great) choice to cast Belloq, a competing French archaeologist, against Indiana Jones. If it weren't for him, all we would have is Nazis--- who can also be killed by the dozen without anyone batting an eye. Another example: Zombies. But of course, zombies are already dead, so 'killing' them doesn't really make a difference, now does it?

But despite its flaws, Django Unchained is still a great movie, both in visuals and plot. Samuel L. Jackson in particular delivers a great performance as a slave who is surprisingly pro-slavery. Final score for Django Unchained? 9/10 stars. One of the best movies of the year.

I may not get around to seeing Zero Dark Thirty, meaning that this is possibly the last movie from 2012 I'll be seeing. And therefore, it's time to put a poll up: What was the Best Picture of 2012? The nominees for that and other categories in The Grahammies will be posted within a week or so. Click on the tag 'movie' to see every movie review I've written up this year, and watch a few of them. You'll be surprised by how good my taste is.

Bye!

Xmas

IT'S CHRISTMAS, whoop-dee-f**king-doo. It's the most cynical time of the year, and so instead of devoting this blog post to religious crap, Bible stories, the birth of some guy who may or may not have even existed, and raging about an imaginary 'War on Christmas', I'll talk about my TOP TEN BEST CHRISTMAS FILMS OF ALL TIME!!!

1) DIE HARD: One of the greatest films ever made, and the definitive holiday action classic. John McLane wreaks havoc on bank robbers in one of the most action-packed, highly volatile movies of all time. My personal second-favorite movie of all time, with Alan Rickman perfectly cast as a European terrorist. A must-see.

2) DIE HARD 2: DIE HARDER: Not quite up to the quality of the original, but still a great film. Again, Bruce Willis as John McLane has to prevent terrorists from blowing crap up, which he does by blowing even MORE crap up. Not quite as much a 'must-see' as the original.

3) ELF: Will Ferrel's momentary venture into Christmas movies turns out to be a fantastical success, with such memorable lines as "If you see gum stuck to the ground in New York City, it's not candy." Ferrel injects his usual trademark gross-out comedy into an otherwise nostalgic movie. It's funny, and (for those of you with kids in your household) doesn't feature nearly as many f-bombs as Die Hard.

4) FUTURAMA: BENDER'S BIG SCORE: Not a Christmas MOVIE per se, but it has Futurama's infamous Robot Santa Claus and his Xmas Eve Slay Ride in it. Not to mention a bunch of nudist alien computer scammers who cheat Earth out of all of its valuable artifacts by sending Bender back in time using a rub-on time code found on Fry's ass. It was bound to be somewhere.

5) IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE: Yeah, so this is NOT a great movie, but for my... older... readers, it might be fun to see a black-and-white movie where racial undertones run deep. Still, it's not easy to think of 10 great Christmas movies, seeing as they're all so F**KING ANNOYING.

6) A CHRISTMAS STORY: It's not Elf, but it's still a funny movie on occasion. Typical 80s movie fare, with a little bit of Ferris Bueller's Day Off in it (though not nearly as funny). If you don't have your heart set on watching a Christmas movie, watch Ferris Bueller instead.

7) THE STAR WARS HOLIDAY SPECIAL: My list has taken a definitive turn for the worse here, but in all seriousness, everyone should have to see this movie at some point in their lives, just to feel my pain. This'll remind you not to expect too much of the three new Star Wars films being released sometime in the next decade.

8) A CHRISTMAS CAROL: Ebenezer Scrooge was WAAAY ahead of his time (Are there no prisons? No workhouses?) I love that guy. Even a century or so ago, he was still able to figure out that Christmas had become a massive commercial enterprise that sucked up all the money from whoever had any.

9) HOME ALONE: I haven't seen this movie in a while, but I remember it being funny. Of course, I was probably eight years old.

10) THE NIGHTMARE BEFORE CHRISTMAS: The rare Tim Burton outing without Johnny Depp is something to be treasured. It's a musical, yes, but a very well-animated one. Woah... what if Tim Burton just made a movie called 'Johnny Depp'? Plot twist: Johnny Depp is played by Helena Bonham Carter.

Anyway, that's my epic Christmas movie list. Watch 'em all if you want, but I warn you, I take no responsibility for the suckiness of numbers 2, 5, 6, 7, and 9. All the others should be enjoyed at least a little. Plus it's fun to put on 'It's a Wonderful Life' and find out which people in your family are communists.

Bye!

The Hobbit: A Fully Expected WIN!!!

So I just saw The Hobbit (THANK YOU WORLD FOR NOT ENDING SO I COULD SEE THIS), and it was just as badass as one would expect. The Lord of the Rings is one of my all-time favorite movie trilogies, and this left no doubt in my mind that Middle Earth still has a few movies ready to be made.

Peter Jackson is doing the George Lucas approach by making a trilogy prequel to the original three movies, and the prequels will be not nearly as good as The Lord of the Rings. But it's still miles away from The Phantom Menace. Instead of centering around Frodo, this trilogy has Bilbo as its star, and he performs admirably. Whereas Frodo is occasionally boring and exhausting to watch, Bilbo is full of energy and a lot less morose than Elijah Wood. Plus, Gandalf the Grey is much better than Gandalf the White. Yes, I am a f**king nerd. You don't need to tell me.

Unfortunately, it did suffer from certain problems. No plotline will top the original trilogy (one ring to rule them all and one ring to find them... come ON), so it's a little less satisfying when we find out that all The Hobbit is about is killing a dragon. Also, it doesn't take itself nearly as seriously as The Lord of the Rings, for better or for worse. The dwarves add a lot of much-needed but occasionally unwelcome levity to the story.


So, final score for The Hobbit? 8/10 stars. It's like The Hangover Part II. Seeing a movie with these same characters again is never going to go badly. It just might not live up to the high standards set by the originals. Rotten Tomatoes gave it 65%, but that's a little unfair. As long as you don't go in expecting The Lord of the Rings all over again, you'll enjoy it plenty.

There are two more movies I'll see this year-- Django Unchained and Zero Dark Thirty. After that, I'll open the polls to decide which movies of 2012 get voted into the top five for The Grahammies, my personal film awards ceremony. From there, I'll decide the winner. To remind you, the possibilities are: Chronicle, 21 Jump Street, The Hunger Games, The Avengers, The Dictator, Men in Black III, Seeking a Friend for the End of the World, Ted, The Dark Knight Rises, The Amazing Spider-Man, Total Recall, The Campaign, Resident Evil: Retribution, Looper, Taken 2, Argo, Skyfall, Flight, Lincoln, The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and Zero Dark Thirty. Yeah, I watch a lot of movies.

Bye!

Fun on a Gun

So, the world didn't end. Of course, I knew it wasn't going to AAAALLLL along... but that's all in the past. I did, however, have my parents open their presents yesterday, just in case. I bought my mom a copy of O Brother, Where Art Thou and my dad a DVD set of Led Zeppelin's live performances. So now he's blaring the damn thing on the TV 24/7.

Therefore, I had to get away from it all to blog. I had a fun doomsday; I single-handedly took over the world in Risk, I put my new MAD Magazine posters and Corvette banner up in my room, and I watched The Wrath of Khan... again. When Spock dies, it's a helluva thing. The saddest moment in film history. F**k you, Old Yeller.

But there are more pressing matters to attend to, specifically: THE NRA!!!


Yes, that is the official graphic I will be using whenever I mention the NRA from now on. Because they just suggested that, to solve problems like school shootings, there should be armed police officers in every school. Yeah, that's right--- EVERY F**KING SCHOOL.

I could go into great detail about how this would create a 'hostile learning environment' for those of us not blessed with a high school graduation yet. But in reality, we'd probably end up just annoying the damn police officers to the point that THEY start shooting things up. I mean, they'd have to sit through DAY after DAY of listening to people yell 'SWAG' and 'YOLO'. They'd snap like a toothpick.

I can just barely tolerate it because I'm 15. But adults? Oh, no. I don't want them armed and dangerous while being pissed off by teenagers. It's DEFINITELY not safe.

Bye!

2012

Hey, peeps of the future! I should explain: I'm writing this blog post on August 21st, so I have no idea what's going on right now. You see, if the 2012 Doomsday really happens, I may not have time to blog before being devoured by roving bands of psychotic cannibal people. And so I made an executive decision: I'm writing this blog post now.

The Mayans predicted the end of the world (or so some say) on this day at midnight, so expect some fireworks. The Mayans were right about everything. Except they failed to see the Spanish coming. But whatever.

The 5,125-year long Mayan calendar reverts back to zero this year, meaning that a lot of ancient Mayans will probably be dating their checks 5,126 by mistake. So if that's not a sign of doomsday, I don't know what is.

So, you know who won the election. I really hope it was Obama. I cannot handle a Romney presidency. Of course, it's possible that Obama lost, triggering the 2012 Doomsday itself. So many questions need to be answered!

So, what are the chances that the world has really come to an end? I dunno. But if it has, I have a few things I need to say.

END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO

• If the world of the future is ruled by robots, simply print off this page and hand it to one of the iron overlords.

Hey, Robots! Congratulations on the complete subjugation of the carbon-based life forms culminating in the great purge. Well done! Now, I have a message for you to upload into your brethren's hive mind: The following sentence is false. The previous sentence is true.

Humans? You're welcome.

• Now, if the world is the victim of some sort of ecological disaster (i.e., hole in the ozone layer, massive tsunami, YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong), I have one message for you goddamn Republicans: WE TOLD YOU SO. The scenario I keep coming up with is this: A bill to send astronauts to prevent a massive solar flare from hitting Earth was blocked by a Republican majority in the House. They refused to save the planet unless a rider was attached giving out $10 billion in new defense spending and a repeal of Obamacare. The Democrats, of course, refused, and Earth was subsequently destroyed.

• Another possible scenario is the imminent threat of a nuclear bomb detonation in numerous major cities. Now, I'm pretty sure nukes will still be around four months from now, so this is quite possible. And to the group of people who set off this chain reaction? Uncool, guys. You think you can just go around nuking infidel cities without any fallout? Uncool.

• A far less likely possibility is The Rapture. If the atheists of the future are standing around, looking at all the shoes lying on the ground, then I'm wrong about literally everything. I bet there's a really Jesus-y feeling in the air, isn't there? God damn it.

• There's also the possibility that, like in Independence Day and countless movies before it, Aliens have come to Earth and enslaved the human race. To the human who is reading this on his iPod while deep in the Plutonium mines: Bummer, dude. And really, Aliens? Through all our existence, we've been talking about how awesome it would be to meet you. And now you're just here to kill us all? Wow.

• Of course, it's possible that trees emitted a gas that made us kill ourselves, but seeing as 'The Happening' had a very disappointing box office gross, I would say this is somewhat unlikely.

• Oh, and one last thing: If the world doesn't end, I would like someone to place a bet on the Dallas Cowboys to win the Super Bowl in 2013. And we all get to see Iron Man 3! Aaah...

Anyway, that's my END OF THE WORLD MANIFESTO. Sorry I can't give you any advice on fighting the mutant packs of roving dog-men, but there's a bomb shelter on 188, King's Creek Drive in Fairfax, CA. It's got a keg, a pool table, and a mini-fridge. I'm not sure where the key to the liquor cabinet is, but you might as well just smash the damn glass at this point.

Bye!

The End Of The World As We Know It

We're coming down to the wire. It's 12-20-12, and people are making apocalypse jokes like there's no tomorrow. I was thinking about why it would be terrible if the world ended tomorrow, so I decided to do what I always do when I'm in a life-or-death situation--- MAKE A LIST!!!

PROS OF WORLD ENDING:
• The entire cast of Jersey Shore will probably be killed in the process.
• With the number of apocalypse movies we've made, from aliens to solar flares to meteorites, it's probable that one of these predictions will be realized in spectacular fashion.
• Chuck Norris will most definitely survive.
• The Mayans will at least be able to say they predicted SOMETHING (They and the Aztecs sure as hell didn't see Cortez coming).
• My electronic bomb-proof safe will keep printed copies of every blog post I've ever written safe.
• We don't need to sit through another election year.
• If North Korea detonates a nuclear bomb, it might be visible to passing alien ships--- who arrived just a little too late.
• Those of us who watched the cursed tape from 'The Ring' today will have an extra seven days to live.
• The joke I wrote in the second sentence of this post made it all worthwhile.
• Finals week won't matter at ALL.
• A good portion of humanity will survive as feral mutant dog-men roaming the atomic wasteland.
• The remaining Twinkies may have enough content of Cesium-6 to live through a nuclear explosion.
• If Denzel Washington goes blind, he can re-enact 'The Book of Eli'.

CONS OF THE WORLD ENDING
• We never got to see 'A Good Day to Die Hard'.
• Futurama will have been cut short... again.
• My cat P-Nut will meet an untimely demise at the young age of six.
• The apocalypse will make investing in 401(k)s a big waste of time.
• The Black Keys will never make another album.
• We won't be able to witness the inevitable rise, fall, and drug-fueled collapse of resident pop douchebag Justin Bieber.
• If the world ends in The Rapture, I'll have to apologize to every religious nutball I've punched in the face repeatedly.
• Weed will never be legalized in California.
• We'll never find out where King Tut's penis went (yeah, I'm back on this).
• I wasted all my life going to school instead of kicking back and watching reruns of How I Met Your Mother.
• Newt Gingrich may survive in an undisclosed location (Hint: It's his secret MOON-BASE!!!)
• We may never learn just what went down in the 2000 election.
• Oh, yeah... and everybody'll die...


But altogether, we had a pretty good run. Get ready tomorrow (or not) for my post-apocalyptic-post!!! I wrote it back in August and scheduled it for 12-21-12 at midnight, just in case I had other things to do then. But hey, I wrote 484 blog posts. I got a 100% on my math final one year. I drew a picture of myself riding a unicorn while eating Cheetos and shooting an Uzi into the air... so yeah. I had a pretty fulfilling life.

Check in tomorrow... or if you're... um... preoccupied... don't bother. I'll understand. Bye!

Doomsday Preppers

I had my Drama final today, and I have finals in PE, Spanish, Science, English, and Math the rest of the week. I am SO SCREWED. I spent all weekend cramming, but I never can get over that constant nagging feeling that there's some massive vital piece of information I've missed thus far.

Also, my friend Calvin got his iPod taken away by our English teacher (again), and now it's gone missing. So she thinks either me or Calvin took it. I'm so happy. Actually, I think she just lost it or something, and now she's freaking out because she doesn't want to buy him a new one. Or maybe she's trying to teach him a lesson by hiding it from him... I dunno.

None of these things will matter if the world ends on Friday, though. I've been prepping (just in case), and on Thursday, maybe I'll go to school and tell everyone what I REALLY think of them. That may not be a good idea. I've got some teachers I want to say things to...

But speaking of doomsday preppers, the mother of the Newtown shooter was a doomsday prepper. Which makes me think that she freaked her son out with talk of the end of the world, and he went into a school and shot everything up. It's certainly a possibility. And you know whose fault it is...



Yeah--- NATIONAL GEO-F**KING-GRAPHIC. They've messed up everyone's heads with their show 'Doomsday Preppers'. I would not be surprised if a psychiatrist finds a direct correlation between that dumbass show and the shooter. It's right up there with Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo-Boo, and Ancient Aliens.

But the NRA has come out and stated that they'll make some contributions to ensure that another Newtown doesn't happen. This is a big chance for Obama and the Democrats. That sounds like a band, doesn't it? Anyway... people are rallying all around the country against the NRA. It's like a Democrat's dream come true. So if they can't get any good legislation through, they aren't even trying.

As usual. Bye!

Anarchy in the UK

Before I get started, I am legally obligated to make the following statement: Yes, this blog post is about the royal pregnancy. So if you have aversions to graphic displays of media frenzies, GET OUT NOW. STOP READING, CLOSE THE PAGE, AND WALK AWAY FROM THE COMPUTER.

That said, I can now begin. Kate Middleton (or 'Duchess Katherine', for you hoity-toity Brits out there) is pregnant, and she's 95% sure that it's William's baby. So, what does this mean? This little royal embryo is now responsible for carrying on the Windsor family name. However, s**t's been going down for the past week that would blow your mind.

Remember when those French paparazzi took long-range pictures of Kate naked? Well, it's happened again-- TIMES 1,000. A radio station in Australia called the hospital where Kate was being treated for morning sickness, and a nurse gave them all of Kate's medical information after they pretended to be The Queen. It would have been pretty funny, except that nurse just committed suicide.

Okay, it still is pretty funny. Because all the nurse did was PUT THROUGH A CALL!!! And she KILLED HERSELF!!! I can't blame Australia for this, mainly because we Americans like to stick up for our fellow former colonies. But also, Britain has created a culture where these royals are so revered that an exceedingly minor slip-up like this somehow merits SUICIDE? You've got to be F**KING KIDDING ME!!!


Also, if I didn't take the Aussie's side, I'm afraid they'd invade America on crocodile-back. But in all cerealness, this is absolutely ridiculous. And now all the Brits are blaming the 'Uncultured Colonies' for bringing this upon them. You know what, Britain? If you don't want this dumbass crap happening, get rid of your stupid royal family! They're nothing but a taxpayer expense and a tourist attraction! They have no real power! They're like the EPA... minus the 'tourist attraction' part.

Fortunately, Scotland might not be putting up with England's BS any longer--- they've been drafting constitutions and may vote to secede from the UK. Which means we've got ANOTHER country capital to memorize in 6th grade. I'm totally on their side, though. These people are eating SCRAMBLED FABERGE EGGS FOR BREAKFAST!!! Okay... I'm done.

Bye!

Tragedy is a Warm Gun

Hey, does anyone else HATE Christmas music? I swear to Jesus Christ, every damn mall is playing one of those dumbass songs now. Maybe that's why there was a shooting at a mall in Oregon this week. Plus a guy committed a patricide with a bow and arrow last week. And if that's not enough, today a school in Connecticut was attacked by a gunman. 26 people were killed, along with the gunman's mother.

Unlike most Democrats, I'm not completely anti-second amendment. But I do think that allowing people with mental damage to own assault rifles is ABSOLUTELY F**KING MORONIC. Has it really gotten to the point where someone with a 38 IQ can walk into a sporting goods store and buy a Kalashnikov? Son of a bitch...

However, this still will never convince me and others that NO ONE should be allowed to own a gun. Sure, we can make laws stating that felons, minors, the mentally disabled, and others can't own firearms. But one day, one of those people are going to find a way to get a gun. And when they do, wouldn't you like to hear a story about someone shooting BACK and preventing a massacre in the first place? Yeah, I'm still waiting for that to happen.


But so far, that's only happened in TV and movies. John McLane will stop an enormous robbery, or Jack Bauer will thwart a terrorist attack. But in real life, I defy you to name a single instance when people have stopped a mass shooting with their own gun.

So, rack these two up in the files of shootings here in America. Columbine, Gabrielle Giffords, Aurora... and now two of these in one week. Not to mention George Zimmerman. When is this damn country going to get it straight that not ANYbody can own a gun? There are some people in my NEIGHBORHOOD who I wouldn't trust with a rusty spork, let alone an Uzi! And you expect me to tolerate this ridiculous s**t?

So, yeah. Everybody, this is the time for a LOT of petitions to go through to the White House. Even some Republicans are on the fence after the events of today. So, Obama? If you're reading this, the next thing you need to do: Renew Clinton's ban on assault weapons. How long is it going to take before we learn something from this?

My usual farewell doesn't coincide with the morose tone of this post, so GOOD-F**KING-BYE.

12/12/12 12:12:12

Today was the last repetitive date until January 1st, 2101, and I got to witness it. Also, my science teacher left the atomic clock up on the projector so that we could see 12:12:12 on 12/12/12. Do we have nothing better to do with our time? No. Absolutely not.

But this probably isn't the big and exciting news that you turned to me, your resident crazy blogger for. No, yesterday North Korea launched their first satellite into orbit, meaning that they are now the 13th nation to do so. Yeah, only 13. Really, other countries? You couldn't beat North Korea to it? That's just sad.

This means that, if NK has fissionable material, they could conceivably create a nuclear missile capable of reaching the United States. Yeah, that's right. A bunch of dumbass sociopaths living in a repressive society that can't even feed its own people have the capability of wiping the UNITED F**KING STATES off the face of the Earth.

   
But what's even more atrocious is that we didn't happen to see any of this coming. The State Department had absolutely no information about a North Korean missile being launched anytime this DECADE. So now we have only one possible option: Call in The Avengers. Yup, we be screwed.

On a lighter note, the Fiscal Cliff may soon raise taxes by $2,000 a year for some of the poorest families in America. Yeah, that's a LIGHTER note. The Republicans and Democrats haven't been able to reach an agreement, but it looks like John Boehner may be caving in like a giant orange Erector Set. If he won't accept Obama's proposals, the inevitable collapse of the American economy in 2013 will be on his hands.

So, did anything GOOD happen in the news this week? Not so much. But, hey, 12/12/12! I like to think that counts for something.

Bye!

Room for Improvment

S**t went down tonight... like you wouldn't believe. I haven't been able to blog very regularly for the past few weeks, because of just a few things for school. Namely, an oral exam in Spanish, a novel in English, a memorized poem for English (again), a few dozen pages of History notes, plus a powerpoint we were supposed to do, and final exams in every damn subject.

But that's not even counting the incredible things that happened tonight. For the program I signed up for in High School, we have to put on little 10-minute plays. I originally thought the program (called ROCK) would be all about The Beatles, The Rolling Stones, Greenday, and REM. But apparently ROCK stands for Revolution Of Core Knowledge. Who saw that coming?

So I had to do crap for a Drama class, which is actually way more fun than it sounds. And we owe it all to our badass teacher, Jasper. You know a teacher's great when they let you call them by their first name. There were three skits we had to do, and I drew the short straw of acting in the third one, which is presented to all the parents and teachers at Drake. Whoop-dee-f**king-doo.

Well, I PWNED! I don't want to brag, seeing as I did owe most of it to the writers (who cast me as an insane German scientist). I can play crazy in my sleep! So yeah, it went pretty well. And you wouldn't have been able to guess it from the rehearsals.


AWWWWW YEAAAAAAH. It was fun on a bun. But I'll spare you the not-so-engrossing details. The teachers recorded the entire night, and I have no doubt that it will eventually end up on YouTube. So I'll give you a link then.

There's stuff going on in the news right now, but it's 9:20, I'm tired, and this blog post has already gone on long enough. Just so you know--- if in 30 years I'm a great actor, I got my start playing Dr. Heinz Vanhousen. Yeah. Badass name.

Bye!!!

Lincoln

Oh my God... I just got back from another of my friend Connor's famous 24-hour sleepovers. It was nuts. We set off poppers in the street, jumped in a creek, kicked Luis in the nuts, and jumped on top of a Presbyterian church. I also was able to bear witness to one of the worst movies ever made.

No, it's not the one in the title-- I'll get to that later. No, I saw 'Tim and Eric's Billion-Dollar Movie', my new official least-favorite movie ever made. And it has some STRONG contenders to beat. Namely, Troll 2, Kingdom of the Crystal Skull, Hugo, Clash of the Titans, Green Lantern, Battle: LA, Up, and Cowboys and Aliens. But this was far and away the worst thing I've ever laid eyes on. Calvin told me that it was horrific, but I didn't listen... and now I'm scarred for life. I'll never be able to watch an R-rated movie ever again.

However, that's not why I'm blogging today. Apparently, in the span of one day, I saw both the worst and the best movies of 2012. Lincoln, with Daniel Day-Lewis in the title role, is easily the best movie of the year and should win Best Picture, if not Best Actor for Lewis and Best Director for Spielberg. I usually have some reservedness about going ballistic over more recent movies, but this one's going down in history.


Characteristically, it features a lot of the emotional tug-of-war that made Spielberg the director he is today. As I've always said, I haven't shed a tear in 5 1/2 years. But this one came surprisingly close. Essentially, the entire last half-hour of the movie will have you weeping buckets. Literally, I am not exaggerating this.

Unlike most movie adaptations of the Civil War, Lincoln didn't center around the actual battles. It made the remarkable (and perfectly executed) decision to focus more on the passing of the 13th amendment, which abolished slavery once and for all. You wouldn't know by watching this that the REPUBLICANS were the ones that would eventually become massive dicks, and that the DEMOCRATS would be the ones fighting for civil rights. But at some point in history, the parties basically switched in every way, except for the minor detail that a little 'R' appeared next to Lincoln's name on the ballots.

The best scene is where the two parties are voting on the amendment, and the Democrats are fighting for their lives to avoid the cold gazes of black people watching from the audience. To vote 'nay' on something like that while staring the people you're oppressing right in the eyes must be a pretty crappy experience. I don't feel sorry for them, but it must have been painful.

But, SPOILER ALERT! Slavery is abolished and Lincoln gets shot in the most gut-wrenching 20 minutes of film since Spock's death. Which I still haven't gotten over.

Oh God, it's too... painful...

Anyway, final score for Lincoln? 10/10. There is not a thing I would change about this movie, and that's the mark of a perfect film. If nothing else, Spielberg has redeemed himself for Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.

Bye!