Type #1: Drill Fart. Usually perpetrated by Luis, this fart does not always smell. It is highly recognizable for its sound, which resembles a battery-powered drill being bored through a chunk of metal.
Type #2: Silent but Crudly. Always perpetrated by Cody, these farts can reach up to 18 feet away, and smell so bad that I have sprayed Axe spray-on deodorant in the air TO MAKE IT SMELL BETTER.
Type #3: Rolling Thunder. Highly explosive, carcinogenic if inhaled. However, like most Luis farts, this fart has no smell. These are catalogued under 'Loud but Live-ly' the opposite of silent but deadly. Sound is highly similar to Drill Fart, but not as intense.
Type #4: Fart of Darkness. Perpetrator: unknown. This fart was first catalogued in the gym locker room (in my opinion, the smelliest place on earth). It has the capability to latch on to the nasal cavity of its victims and bore their brains full of holes from the inside. See my previous post, Fart of Darkness, for the description of my encounter with this rare, disgusting type of flatulence.
Type #5: Nuclear Flatulation. Signified by an atom bomb exiting the perpetrator's pants. This is, by far, the most embarrassing kind of fart to deploy.
Type #6: Anal Belch. Usually mistaken initially for a burp, this fart smells like a mix between rubber cement and coca-cola. It has the evil advantage of being able to exit from either end.
Type #7: Smart Fart. This fart flies out in missile form, seeking a victim to strike on. Once it locks on to the nostrils of a person, it flies inside and detonates in the nasal cavity. Not a good thing.
Type #8: Heat-Seeking Flatulence. Like the Smart Fart, but can cause much more damage once inside the head.
Type #9: Bowel Demon: Just nasty. Pure nasty. It can shatter windows and scare livestock for an eighteen mile radius.
Type # 10: Rusty Foghorn. This fart resembles (as you may have guessed from its name) a rusty foghorn being blown at night. It's smell ranks at roughly a 5.5 on the fartster scale.
Type # 11: Little Squeaker. This is one of the more embarrassing farts to perpetrate. It makes a high-pitched squeaking noise that can cause serious damage to the victim's eardrum. It usually does not smell.
Type # 12: Mystery Fart. This is a thing that seems to appear out of thin air. It never is perpetrated by anyone, and the culprit cannot be found. These are the farts that usually are decided using the 'Whoever Smelt it Dealt it' ruling by the supreme court in 1997, which specifically stated that Smelt it had defeated Dealt it in this landmark case.
So there you have it. I'll make some additions if I have to, but I'm confident that every fart on Earth can be classified into one of those twelve categories.
Bye!
Above is the famous logo for the Nuclear Flatulation.
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