The Ultimate 100th Blog

Aaaaaaaaaahhh... here it is. My 100th blog. I had to do 18 blogs in one month and three blogs on one day to finish it, but there it is. Right now I'm watching M*A*S*H episodes and doodling. So here's one of every feature that I have, in honor of my 100th blog:

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is... Old TV Shows! I've gotten really into shows like M*A*S*H and Seinfeld. There. That's my TOPIC OF INTEREST. That was abnormally easy.

My pearl of anti-wisdom: if at first you don't succeed, stick your head in an oven.

My BETTER KNOW A SPECIES: Dipwads. Dipwads are people who, purposely, do a stupid thing over and over. I know several people like this. A Dipwad doesn't always know what they're doing is stupid, though, as proved by the Bush Years.

My BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST: Mort Drucker, who works for MAD Magazine! Mort usually does a black-and-white spoof of a TV show or a movie. He's been with MAD for about 50 years. As a tribute to this, the usual gang of idiots used Drucker's name in their spoof of Harry Potter #6, in which they called Lord Voldemort Lord Druckermort. Here's a pic:

That's Mort's depiction of Tom Richmond, another MAD cartoonist.

DUDE, WHERE'S MY DIGNITY: Today we have... MY DAD!

On Thanksgiving, we were over at my grandpa's friend's house, and there were some teenagers there. I'm only 12 years old, so I was trying to act all cool. They were sitting there texting and I was trying to act all cool; they were only a little bit older than me. But then dad says: 'So, what are you doing? Just hanging out?' I was mortally embarrassed.

That's it. My 100th blog. I can't do ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT because I haven't seen a movie recently, and I can't do MASTER PLAN since I don't have a genius fix to a world problem at the moment.

I'll blog you soon

P.S.--- This was completed at 11:50 p.m.--- so there you are! 100 blogs before the year is out!!!

Better Know a Cartoonist Part II...

Edeu Fa Fa! Edeu Fa Fa Fa Fa Fa! Okay, that was odd! This blog needs to be short, because I'm trying to do three blogs today to hit #100 before the year is out! I hoped you liked my previous blog, and if you went through and read every single thing I hate, then please contact your nearest insane asylum, because I don't know ANYONE who would read all that crap.

Today's feature: BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST! Today--- STEPHAN PASTIS, CREATOR OF THE COMIC STRIP, PEARLS BEFORE SWINE!!!

Stephan grew up not far from where I live, here in Marin County. He was influenced mostly by Charles Schultz, creator of Peanuts. The comic, not the nut itself.

So anyway, one day when Steve was stalking Mr. Schultz, he finally found him and got a chance to talk to him at a local restaurant. Schultz told him to quit his job as a lawyer and become a cartoonist. So he did. Wow. How smooth. Graham Vert

Here's a picture of Stephan Pastis' cartoon, Pearls Before Swine:

It's about a rat, a pig, a zebra, and a goat, who are creatively named Rat, Pig, Zebra, and Goat. They sit around drinking beer and contemplating the end of the world, as seen in the picture. Supporting characters include the homicidal guard duck who stockpiles WMDs, the fraternity of crocodiles who live next to Zebra and constantly try to eat him, and Snuffles the Cat, Zebra's pet, who steals watches and runs an illegal bookie operation. Pig and Rat are the main characters.

Wow, this was a short blog. Join me next time for my official 100th blog!!!

Bye!

The Worst Things on Earth

!@#$%^&*(*&^%$##!@#$%^&!!!!!!!!!! I am madder than @#$%^&*(!!! I saw a movie last night about the 2000 presidential election. Oh, boy. It is my professional opinion that George W. Bush was never the president of the United States of America. You have no idea how much of a pain in the @$$ it is to color all those letters. And it's all Katherine Harris' fault.

But before I get so mad that I'm using the F-Bomb on this blog, I think I'll change the subject. I recently noticed that I begin a massive amount of my sentences with the phrase 'You know what I hate?' and then I end with a long tirade about what I hate and why I hate it so much. So, for your viewing pleasure, here are all things that I hate:

Republicans, cold and/or damp towels, uppity yuppies, George Bush, idiot world leaders, raisins, global warming, Hummers, boring walks, stepping in horse poop, overpriced video rentals, Mississippi, Alaska, warm cheese, math textbooks, quicksand, spam, moldy and bruised bananas, dorks, self-help books, when people say money isn't everything, poodles in purses, the 'fact' that we're supposed to drink eight bottles of water a day, orange juice, minty gum, soap operas, bad plays, Borders Books & More, The Home Depot, Toys R Us, dipwads, lead paint, communism, Siberia, nazis, terrorism, one-ply toilet paper, having to change clothes for P.E., cats on leashes, dogs, cold showers, stupid iPod apps, dehumidifiers, dumb sayings like 'jonesing', raisin bran, lumpy cheerios, magazines devoted to mindless drivel, telemarketers, Dick Cheney, Idaho, Texas, Colombian Drug Runners, celebrities, the smell of stables, tea, jammed staplers, my cat's habit of chewing on tape, salmon colored shirts, cliffs, that stupid mounted fish that sings, Sarah Palin, magazine drop-out cards, stucco, bees, my cat's former vet, our idiot neighbor with the car alarm, that weird glow that 'energy safe' lightbulbs give off, our idiot neighbor with the porch light, Keith Olbermann, our idiot neighbor with the dog who constantly bangs his water bowl against the ground, nattily trimmed lawns, fat hamsters, sandals, visors, latex, stucco, crass consumerism, lights without dimmer switches, dictionaries, taxes, typewriters, drool on little kids, people who hate drawing, watermelons, grapefruit, eggplant, sour apples, people who use hearts to dot their 'i's, using your hands to make quotation marks, acid rain, people who misspellerate their words, smily emoticons, people who point to things with their pinkie finger, landfills, wasteful products like paper plates or plastic forks, pompous blowhards, concrete, sporks, persian rugs, pencil lead with cracks in it, wall-to-wall carpeting, sharpie ink, Mongolia, berets, crumpets, doilies, twee-ness, the color pink, wicker baskets, people who don't realize the nutritional value of ballpark nachos, crayons, curling, people who obsess about their hair, Rod Blagojevich, The Wizard of Oz, 'The Nutcracker', family time, Christmas specials, sappy movies, Lassie, the movie 'G-force', self-righteous religious people, e-cards, Bolivia, legal voting/driving age laws, tough erasers, thin mints, people who substitute real four letter words for idiotic sayings such as 'Oh, snickers', people who pretend that frisbee golf takes as much skill and concentration as operating the mechanical arm on a shuttle flight, the Amish, insanely high voting ages, insanely high driving ages, Frank Burns from M*A*S*H, monkeys who throw their s*** at you, fur coats, the smell of cows, jell-o, dry apples, Almond Joys, people who think nerdiness is an insult, stupid questions, people who say there's no such thing as stupid questions, clowns, and excessively negative people.

They're the worst. I'll blog you soon.

Shoplifting...

QWERTYUIOP!!! Hi, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog! I just returned from a terrible experience, trying to redeem my gift certificates and return some shmuff I got for Christmas. I won't elaborate.

Okay, I will.

I tried to buy a DVD of Watchmen: The Movie. When I opened it, there was nothing inside. How shmuff. Someone had stolen it. And then we had to wait in a massive line to return it and get a refund. Oh, and then we tried to return something at Kohl's and got in the wrong line. I hate people. They are so evil.

I hit my 250th cartoon on Funny Times. Click HERE to visit Funny Times' Cartoon Playground and create some cartoons of your own using some of Matt Wuerker's click and drag drawings.

Also, today's feature is one I haven't used in a while: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT! As you remember, just highlight the following blank space to see the spoilers. If you don't want to see spoilers to Sherlock Holmes: The Movie, then just skip it. Here we go: ERT ERT ERT BIG SPOILER ALERT!

The Sherlock Holmes Movie gets 8 1/2 out of ten stars. It was shmuffing good. The only bad thing is that Moriarty doesn't get too much of a role. But it was set up for a sequel when Moriarty stole part of Blackwood's cyanide machine. As it turns out, Blackwood never used any magic. It was all a big scam to get put in power, like McCain choosing Sarah Palin.

There you go. This was a short blog, but what are you gonna do?

Bye!

Better Know a Cartoonist...

Okay, this is it! I have five more blogs to do before I'm shmuffed, and only four days to do them. That means I have to do two blogs on one day, and why not make that today?

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is my new-er feature, BETTER KNOW A CARTOONIST. Today, my personal favorite artist of all time, HERMANN MEJIA!!!

Hermann works for MAD Magazine, and grew up in Caracas, Venezuela. He is the best MAD Magazine artist the world has ever seen (sorry, Mort Drucker and Sergio Argones). His signature style is to exaggerate the features of whoever he's drawing. Sometimes he even sculpts models of his artwork. Not only that, but he's also colorblind! He does all this work without even seeing in color! He uses an extensive color tablet to ink his drawings. Or his wife just tells him what to do. Either way, it seems to work. Here's his model of Bush:

That is a genius work of art. It's my Mona Lisa. Join me next time when I talk about... STEPHAN PASTIS!!!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: Nothing is gained by cheating: unless you're cheating on a diet.

And now, time for an edition of MASTER PLAN!!!!! Everyone, you know I believe wholeheartedly in global warming. And if you put that together with the fact that our government is nearing bankruptcy, there is only one conclusion: put a cover charge of $20 for entering a gas station! This will only work if all gas stations do it, because if there's one charging $20 across the street from one with no cover charge... well... which one would YOU go to? another llama mama for obama-rama

Anyway, because of the incredibly high cover charge, no one would want to waste gas, right? Well, then the hummers would go out of business because there would be no demand for a gas-guzzeling expensive car. Less fuel emissions would therefore be pumped into the atmosphere and... ta-daaaaah!!! Global warming--- averted.

But, of course, you couldn't cease our dependency on cars that easily. So when people go to get their gas, the $20 cover charge is sent to the state's government! This would work especially well for my home state of California.

So there you have it. My solution to global warming and governmental bankruptcy.

I'll blog you soon.

Simply Singing a Terrible Christmas Song

SHAZAM!!! Hello, followers, visitors, and people who were surfing the internet and stumbled across this blog! Christmas is over, so here's the official list of what I got for Christmas. This is only an abridged version, so: if you are a relative or friend who gave me something, and you don't see it up here, I DID GET IT: I just need to hurry so I can do a long-ish blog today, unlike my previous ones.

A bunch of DVDs, including Revenge of the Fallen and the Jurassic Park 3 DVD set.

A copy of Lego Indiana Jones

A copy of Watchmen why so shmuffing serious?

A lot of Mythbusters DVDs and books (I can't believe that the computer's spellcheck doesn't recognize 'Mythbusters').

That was the abridged version of my Christmas gift list. Here's what I gave OTHER people:

For my dad: A CD of 'Foo Fighters'. Yes, that's an actual band.

For my mom: A copy of M*A*S*H season two.

For my grandpa: Another CD, I just can't remember what of.

For my aunt: A DVD of Robin Williams live on Broadway.

And for me, a copy of the STAR TREK MOVIE!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, there's my list of Christmas gifts here. I'll blog you soon.

Why the Chicken Crossed the Road

Hey, follower people! This is Why the Chicken Crossed the Road, a cartoon by me. Read it. Love it.

This is the shortest blog ever written.

Bye!!!

With Liberty and Health Care for all

IT'S SHMUFFING CHRISTMAS EVE!!!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! Obviously, you're all as excited as I am, but I am much more so, because I GET TO OPEN MY VERY FIRST PRESENT TODAY!!!! AND TOMORROW'S CHRISTMAS DAY!!!!!

I am in kid heaven. At least, 12 year old politically savvy kid heaven, because the senate JUST PASSED THE HEALTH CARE BILL!!! HOLY FU...DGE. Obama has passed a bill that was waiting to be approved around Roosevelt's time!!! Holy shmuffinheimer!!! Of course, it was passed without a single idiot... I mean, Republican vote.

So, Glenn Beck's fearmongering, Sarah Palin's outright stupidity, Rush Limbaugh's fat-ass racist comments, the teapartygoers, Dick Cheney, George Bush, and FOX news all combined could not stop SUPER-BAMA!!! HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

Anyway, my grandpa is coming over to spend a couple nights for Christmas, so I need to keep this one short (again). I'll simply end this with a pearl of anti-wisdom. Bye.

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em... so we're supposed to surrender to Bin Laden?

P.S.---- I'm going to upload a link to one of my favorite FT cartoons, made by me. No, I am NOT doing this to heighten my blog count. Um... okay, I am.

The Secrets Behind 'G-Force_Ratings'...

Oh, my god!!! I just realized!!! If I do more than one post a day for a couple days, I can do 100 blogs before the new year!!! I hate doing more than one blog on one day, but I have to, for the sake of G-Force_Ratings.

Many of you are probably wondering why I called my blog G-Force_Ratings. Well, the 'G' not only stands for my name, Graham (which can also be written as a circled 'G'), but it also stands for the word 'go'. Go-Force is the second edition of a novel series I am writing about three alien brothers, a buglike dude with a gas mask, a maniacal blue lawn gnome, a six-armed bartender, a grouchy old guy who kills people, a pasty dude with a dot on his forehead, and some orange guy with two tentacles coming off his head. Wow, sounds like something worthy of a MAD Magazine parody. If that's a bad thing. I'm not sure. As you may have guessed, Go-Force is my personal favorite edition to the series, which is why I named my blog after it. See?? It comes full circle!!!

The nine books in the series are:

- Galaxy (the series is named after this book).

- Go-Force

- Bloodstain Joe (named after the main character).

- The Powersource Battles (which is a crappy book. But when it's published, buy it anyway).

- Freeworld

- Squad Nine

- Apocalypse

- Infinite Empire

- Joe Galaxy

I have, however, not gotten much headway on writing them. I don't even know if the final drafts will be books, graphic novels, or what. I've only written Go-Force, Bloodstain Joe, and part of Freeworld. Ouch. I just wanted to do the best first. Next will be Squad Nine.

And, of course, the '_Ratings' part of my blog's title was made on a whim when I decided I would use this blog to talk about what movies you should go see, food you should eat, kind of like the New York Times. If I did this, I might right now be the most respected critic in my hometown of San Anselmo. Or, I could decide to use it to tell you about some random books about aliens that I'll probably never get around to writing.

The choice was simple.

I'll blog you soon.

A Very Short Blog About A Very Short Blog

Okay, I think I may have a problem.

This blog site's counting feature counted the unpublished posts that I left on the drawing board, so instead of having 99 posts with this blog, I have 91. Here's one of the unpublished 'ghost posts'.

Yo Yo Ma! I just created some GREAT cartoons using Funny Times' website!!! (If I do say so myself). I'm using it to create a series called 'Bushie, the adventures of a former president'. Follow the link in the previous blog to view my first one, then click on 'all by this author' to view all of mine! But, true to form, I need to do today's TOPIC OF INTEREST. First, I have a new feature: Dude, where's my dignity? I got the idea from seeing Rod Blagojevich sing Elvis songs at a Chicago office party. The man has no (say it with me) dignity. Secondarily, there is a HYS-TER-I-CAL video about Obama on Jib Jab.com (or something like that, who knows. It's about how Obama the Superhero will save the entire planet. Here's an excerpt:He'll fix the schools, go to space, punch a robot in the face, he's Barack Obama, he's come to save the day! This is a hysterical video. Watch it. Love it.

This was a ghost post scheduled to come after my 'How To Stay Conservative in a Liberal US' blog. It was never published because I was too lazy to get off my butt and hit 'Publish Post'. Other ghost posts include:

-'Update on The Idiot Menagerie', in which I tell everyone that I still haven't figured out how to upload my comic strips onto my blog.

-'My Most Embarrassing Blog Ever', which I won't elaborate on. Let's just say that it was left unpublished for a reason.

- The first edition of 'The Valley Blog', in which I try to blog while talking like a valley girl, y'know?

- The blog in which I got my cat to blog by placing him on the keyboard. It was untitled.

- A totally random ghost post with no title and no typing.

- The first draft of my blog 'Books Books Books, We Got Books Books Books'.

- And it also lists THIS blog as a ghost post now since I'm still working on it. So, in reality, all my blogs are ghost posts until published. So, truthfully, this is my ninety-first blog.

But then there's my task of making 100 blogs before the new year...

I'm shmuffed.

Bye!!!

P.S.--- you may have noticed that this blog's font is different. That is because this blog site is full of crap.

Spaz Out!!!

Aiooop!!! Hello, currently incarcerated homicidal maniacs! Today's blog is going to be short, in the spirit of 'I want to make 100 blogs before the year is out', so here we go:

I don't think I've told you, but sometimes, the human body is prone to spaz outs. A spaz out is when someone experiences a moment of no self control. Spaz outs can vary from jumping up and down yelling 'OOOHHHH, MY BANANA PEEL' to randomly saying 'koop' and then grinning while blinking rapidly. People who have these spaz outs are called 'Spazzes', and they are the subject of today's BETTER KNOW A SPECIES.

My friend, _______, is a spaz, so I always get a front-row seat on the latest form of spaz out. For instance, the other day, he yelled 'My butt is bulging!!!' and then rolled around on the floor. _______ the Whacko (the guy who was expelled for trying to kill the teacher) was an extreme spaz. I have miniature spaz outs, too, but none too weird.

And now, the ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN is advanced one day. Only three days until CHRISTMAS and only TWO DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS EVE, THE DAY I OPEN UP MY FIRST PRESENT!!!!

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times: I'm not going to repeat myself!!!

This was today's amazingly short blog. Also, It has been blog #98!!!! I'm almost there!!!

Bye!!!

Better Know a Species

Okay, everyone. The year's events are all beginning to come together. The Health Care Bill will be voted on (and, hopefully, passed) on Christmas Eve. Also, this is my NINETY-SEVENTH BLOG!!!! Which means that in 3 blogs, I will hit 100. I'm trying to do a blog every day from now until Christmas Eve, in honor of the Health Care Bill's 'rite of passage'.

I'm introducing a new feature, ripped off from Stephan Colbert. He made 'Better Know a District', where he travels around the US getting to know congressional districts better. So my new feature is 'Better Know a Species', where you get to know the human genus better as I explain different branches of it. Today's genus: Lone Psychos!!!

Lone Psychos are a difficult species to catch on tape, so I laid a stucco wall trap for them. Soon, thousands of Psychos had gathered to tear the stucco off. Here is a photo that I got from that elusive encounter:

Um.... fine. So, anyway, after the Lone Psychos swarmed the wall and removed all the stucco, they finally ate each and every one of each other. The last one standing cannibalized

himself. No wonder this species is going extinct.

And also, it's the first day of winter!!! My butt is bulging! Sorry, that was a spaz out. And

that means that it's time to advance the 'ol ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!!! Only three days until CHRISTMAS EVE, and that means we have only three days until CONGRESS VOTES ON THE HEALTH CARE BILL!!! WHOOOOOO!!!! And we have four days until CHRISTMAS DAY! HOW SHMUFF!!!

This was a short blog, so here's another guest blogger feature! This is my friend, _______. He moved to another school two years ago and loves all animals besides dogs.

On Saturday I participated in the Christmas bird count. We got a total of 103 species. Our old leader Mike retired this year so our new leader was Andy. We only had five counters this year. But we covered 20 miles.

That was a guest blogger. I'll blog soon.

The Washington Tea Party

HIBACHI SHMUFF!!!! Hello, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog!!! Well, it must be Christmastime, because the presents are just pilin' up under the tree. I mean, the house plant. Okay, the greenish couch. FINE! The greenish footstool.

My ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN indicates that we have only four days until I open my first present on CHRISTMAS EVE, and only five days until CHRISTMAS!!!!! You have no idea what a pain it is to color all those letters.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom is: What you see is what you get---- so why is it that when I went to the store, the guy stopped me from taking all the Star Wars figures?

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is GLOBAL WARMING! Cue ominous music. Everyone, I know I've used this before as a TOPIC OF INTEREST. But so much was left unsaid! Which is why I'm introducing the IT'S THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN feature. Any time that I feel more needs to be said, I'll just add it on in this. Unless, of course, I need to say even MORE, in which case I'll use a I'M USING THAT TOPIC OF INTEREST AGAIN AND YOU CAN'T DO A THING ABOUT IT, SUCKER!

Anyway, my point is that: I am only 12 years old, and I've already listened to both sides of the opinion and divined that one is wrong. Hint: It's the one Glenn Beck likes. Anyway, I don't see how long it takes for a couple world leader shmuffs to sign a piece of paper that says 'I'll help save the planet no matter what that idiot Sarah Palin says'. But it seems that I'm a genius, because not only do other kids not voice their political opinions (they just say, 'Uhhh.... doy. That can't affect me. Huh huh huh.'), but not a single climate change meeting seems to be doing anything to help the environment! Which is why I think we need to make GLOBAL WARMING BOOKS FOR KIDS.... and it's the subject of today's MASTER PLAN.

Just pretend I have a cool graphic of me in a detective outfit for that one, okay? Anyway, first off, we make global warming something little kids will care about, such as 'An Inconvenient Truffula', the sequel to 'The Lorax'. In this, Al Gore pops out of the stump that the Lorax once lived in, and whacks the Once-ler (played by George Bush) over the head. Anyway; then we will have a massive amount of kids who understand what global warming is, how it was caused, and how we can stop it. That's my MASTER PLAN.

And yet, we have not done this, even though everything is going the liberal way. We have another congressional majority (that we never use), the conservative 'future' is a whackjob with an insatiable thirst for slaughtering moose, we have a massive amount of support, seeing as our predecessor was a moron who screwed up the environment beyond belief. And we have

the first black president who has major international support. So why, why, why, why, WHY have we not done something? Why?

Aaaaaaaahhhh, yes, the tea party protesters. It's amazing how much of an impact a bunch of... rabidly conservative mentally unstable idiots can have.

I'll blog you soon.

Is Our Global Warming Waning?

LUMPENHEIMEN!!! Wow, the computer's spellcheck recognizes that word! I had no idea!

Everyone, I've been sick for a couple days now, and I think I have some catching up to do on some things you may have missed.

First off, celebrated Funny Times cartoonist Eric Per1in has now made over 1,000 cartoons! Yeah, Eric! For those of you who don't remember, Funny Times is a newspaper devoted to cartoons and suchlike. It also has a website where you can make cartoons yourself. Eric Per1in is the first cartoonist to hit 1,000, so as a tribute to him, here's a link to his homepage on Funny Times.com.

Click HERE to see all of Eric Per1in's cartoons.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: We don't have a rat problem! utkfgouILGHiughUOUOUO> Sorry, a rat just ran across my keyboard.

Speaking of Funny Times, I am the 4th most prolific Funny Times cartoonist ever, after Eric Per1in, cta, and Elliemay. Other cartoonists include Konrad Schwoerke, Danger Dan, Yankees With Hope, and Sophie.

To see all of my Funny Times cartoons, click HERE. My pseudonym is Elephant Man. And no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic.

Also, I recently wrote a GREAT cartoon called the 'Funny Times Macarena', sung to the tune of the classic Spanish song, 'The Macarena'. My version includes brief, rhyming blurbs about the Funny Times cartoonists mentioned above.

And now, it's time to advance the ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!! I now have two days left until school ends, but Friday doesn't count, so it's really only one (on Friday we get to have a CHRISTMAS party). Also, I have to run an ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN correction. Last time I blogged, I said I had five days of school left until winter break. But since I was sick for two of those days, it was actually only three. We now return to our regularly scheduled ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN, already in progress...

Only 7 days until I get to open my first present, and 8 DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!!!! Whoooooo!!!!! As I've explained before, our tradition is to open one present on CHRISTMAS EVE.

Today's TOPIC OF INTEREST is the climate change summit in Copenhagen. Everyone, you should know that I believe fullheartedly in Global Warming. In fact, I believe in it so much, I use made-up words to prove my point. So even if some jackhole scientist was holding a cigarette lighter to the thermometer, I think Global Warming exists. It's just not as bad as we thought. Which brings me to Copenhagen, where the world overlords... I mean, leaders, are busy trying to figure out whether or not to save the planet. It's a difficult decision, so I am presenting THE PROS AND CONS OF GLOBAL WARMING RESPONSE. First off, doing nothing. The cons: By the year 2100, one million more species will be extinct, up to five billion people will suffer water shortage, Africa will be too hot to support life, 200 million people will lose their homes because of a three-foot water level increase, heat strokes and similar deaths will increase, and chunks of New York City will flood. On the pros, you get to keep driving your Hummer.

The pros of enacting strict fuel emissions laws: Nearly 600 million lives will be spared, species dependent on the ice caps, such as polar bears and walruses, will survive, and you can still go on an African safari. On the con side, you have to turn your Hummer over to your nearest cash for clunkers dealer.

I hope this helped you, world muckity-mucks. I'll blog you soon.

Shmuff Wars!!!

uyyyyyyyyyyyy. Sorry, I just fell asleep on my keyboard. I just got up at 9:15 to do this blog, so I'm hoping it'll be worth it.

The only reason I got up so early on a weekend was because I haven't blogged for six days straight, and I'm trying to keep a minimum of ten blogs for the month of December. Speaking of December, here's my ANNUAL CHRISTMAS COUNTDOWN!!!!

First off, only FIVE SCHOOL DAYS UNTIL WINTER BREAK! HOLY SHANOOBA!!!! This is, of course, excluding today and tomorrow, which I classify as being 'weekend'.

Then, my Christmas shopping starts tomorrow. How horrid. I love Christmas, but there's something I don't like about the whole 'giving' part. Last year I had to spend $80 on Christmas presents, and it ended up robbing me blind. This year, I'm thinking I'll just get some gift certificates with no money on them. When relatives ask me why I gave them useless pieces of cardboard and plastic, I'll just blame 'that stupid cashier'. Okay, I won't REALLY. I'd only do something like that if I was living out of a cardboard box.

Then, 12 days until Christmas Eve, when I get to open my first present. Our family has a tradition of letting everyone open one present on Christmas Eve, as long as it's from someone who isn't.... present.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for------- ONLY 13 SHMUFFING DAYS UNTIL CHRISTMAS!!! WOOO-HOOOOO!!!! Now, If you're wondering what 'shmuff' means, then your guess is as good as mine. My friend ______ made it up, and according to him, it can mean anything you want it to. I usually use it in place of a cuss word, like I did just now, or I use it to mean 'stuff', i.e., 'I hope I will get a lot of shmuff for Christmas'. Other uses for shmuff include:

'I want to go over to your shmuffer'. In this case, shmuff replaces the word 'house'.

'Don't eat that shmuff'. Normally a parent, referring to the amount of chips you eat.

'But I really want this shmuffing thing!!!' A phrase I have a tendency to say a lot. If I really want something, I refer to it as 'shmuffing'. Here, shmuff takes the place of the word 'stupid'.

And now, here's a Christmas fun fact.

In Austria, people celebrate Christmas in a VERY different way. Besides dressing up as a mall Santa, people go in parades... dressed as a demon. Known as Christmas Krampus, this demon flies with Santa and flogs bad kids using rusty chains. But, of course, the weirdness of Austrian tradition won't affect me here in California, right?

We're shmuffed.

Bye!!!

The Miracle Mile

You do your crumpin' in the morning! Hello, crazy insane people! As you recall, I am trying to begin each blog a different way, so this was today's. Of course, I essentially begin all of them the same way, in the sense that: 1: I do something random, and 2: I then explain it this very way. Oh, snap.

I have a new blog feature: I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! This week's is: The Miracle Mile. The Miracle Mile is a mile where every block ends with a red light. Over on the east coast, The Miracle Mile is a rumor. But over here on the west coast, we know better.

The Miracle Mile exists. Don't think for a second it doesn't. In fact, it's not even so much of a miracle. If it is, it's the only miracle I've had in my life so far, because I'm only 12, and I've beaten that insane mile 6 times over. Two of those times were consecutive. So... miracle? I'LL BE THE JUDGE OF THAT!!! The answer is no. The Miracle Mile is no amazing thing. It's still hecka hard to navigate through, but I've done it too many times for it to be considered a miracle.

Today's pearl of anti-wisdom: There are three kinds of people in the world: people who are good at math, and people who aren't.

I have begun a VERY epic undertaking on Funny Times.com. For those of you who have short-term memories, Funny Times is a newspaper completely devoted to things that relate to hilarity. On their site, you can create your own cartoon, which I have done about 185 times over under the pen name of Elephant Man (no, I'm not a Republican. It's secretly ironic).

Anyway, in my new series, Elephant Man joins the army by accident. Check it out by clicking HERE.

Bye!

Mmmmm... Link-ability

Kapowzit! Hellooooooooo, people who are wasting their time reading someone else's blog, and therefore obviously have too much time on their hands!!! Today's blog is mostly links to other awesome sites besides this one, so here you are:

Click HERE to access Wookieepedia, the Star Wars Wiki.

Click HERE to access The Daily Show's website.

Click HERE to access the magic that is the fake newscaster 'Uncle Jay'.

Click HERE to access a wonderful online game called Robokill.

Click HERE to access the Funny Times cartoon playground, and click HERE to see all the cartoons I've done.

Click HERE to play Endless War 3, a beautiful game where you shoot random guys until you win.

Click HERE to access the Simpsons Wikipedia.

Visit all these sites, or I'll cut your car's hood off and put it in your bed.

I recently realized that I never finished uploading my poem, Rush Hour, onto this blog. Therefore, I made it into a series of 3 Funny Times cartoons. Click on the sixth link to find it. Unfortunately for you, I'm constantly doing cartoons, so visit the link fast to see it!!!

Bye!

FTCP- Bonzai!!!

Greetings, people of Earth! Take me to your internet... BECAUSE I JUST GOT 3 CARTOONS ON THE FUNNY TIMES EDITORS PICKS (making a grand total of 5), I GOT FT TO FIX A GLITCH ON THEIR SITE (with the help of another FT cartoonist named Konrad Schwoerke), AND ANOTHER FT CARTOONIST BY THE NAME OF CTA GAVE ME AND KONRAD AN AWARD FOR DOING IT!!! OH, I'M SO AWESOME! MAINLY BECAUSE I HAVEN'T TAKEN MY KEYBOARD OF 'CAPS LOCK' FOR 5 1/2 LINES OF WRITING! OH, YEAH! OH, YEAH!

The Funny Times Cartoon Playground had a major glitch. Another cartoonist, codenamed Konrad Schwoerke, made a cartoon telling the FTCP people about it. I saw the cartoon, tried out the glitch, and Konrad was right.

With this glitch, you couldn't visit your 'all by this author' page, the page where you can see all the cartoons you've done. You couldn't tag a cartoon. And if you tried to search a tag, then it came up with a 'no cartoons found' message. So, expectedly, I was a little p***ed off.

I began making cartoons about the glitch. Eventually, when the FTCP people fixed it, another cartoonist gave me and Konrad an award. That cartoonist was cta, one of the best FTCP cartoonists EVER. He gave me and Konrad an award ceremony, and even put me and Konrad's likenesses in the cartoon. In one of my cartoons, me and Konrad fight over the award, and, oops, we break it.

Anyway, click on the following links to see either Elephant Man's (me), Konrad's, or cta's 'all by this author' page, in celebration of the destruction of the glitch. Bye!

All cartoons by Elephant Man

All cartoons by Konrad Schwoerke

All cartoons by cta

P.S.---- 3 more of my cartoons got onto the Editor's Picks page of FT! That means they're eligible to appear in the next Funny Times newspaper, coming to you on December 21, or 27, or 3. Okay, I don't know when it comes out, but click HERE to see the Editor's Picks page. The first 3 you come to that are made by Elephant Man are MINE! Woohoo!