Electile Dysfunction

I am running for governor of California.

Just thought I'd put that out there. Actually, I'm running for governor under my screen name on Funny Times.com, Elephant Man.

Also, you will notice that I have developed the greatest form of playground voodoo ever: The Shading Technique. It allows you to get a different camera angle, or a zoom in, with a change in lighting to boot. It's an almost Doonesburyesque feature that I just invented. Visit my 'all by this author' page at Funny Times to see other cartoons with this feature. If you can't read the text, bring the cartoon to a pages document and make it larger.

Here is the most evil thing that anyone has ever done.

Without consulting me, my friends deleted all my progress on my friend's Xbox.

Fortunately, that same friend is going to take his free time leveling me up. I'm hoping to get to level 40 by friday.

And another Xbox-related tidbit: We had a new person over to my friend's house who said he would 'Pwn my ass' at CODMW2 (Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2). He was highly mistaken. In a one-on-one, I came in at least 10 kills ahead of him. I was doing some serious butt kicking.

So, if you're that person (and you know who you are), I just want to say:

EAT IT, KID!!!

Bye!!!

Turdistan

This is a map of my latest business venture, Turdistan, as composed by my associate, Diego Tutweiller. As you can see, the capital is KVRGL, an oddly-spelled town in the central Ptkltm Province. Turdistan isn't into vowels.

Unfortunately, I will be unable to move into Kvrgl, since I (for some reason) need to go to school. Therefore, I will be hiring a foreign administrator to carry out my will in Turdistan. Any takers?

No?

Fine, I'll just appoint Leekar.

Bye!

Zombie Apocalypse, part II

Well, it's official. My school is insane.

EVERY SINGLE PERSON besides me 'feels the love'. It's scary. And it's all because of challenge day. They've been brainwashed and indoctrinated, and now they're going around 'atoning for their sins'. It's scary.

Anyway, if you ever end up at school and hear about something called challenge day, run screaming into the night.

Oh, and another tidbit of info you might be interested in: I got a call from my associate Diego Tutweiller this morning, and he says that I won the bid on a Russian breakaway republic! That's right, I'm now the 12-year-old despot of the Republic of Turdistan!!! You may not have heard of it, but Turdistan is right next to Uzbekistan, west of Kyrgystan, and southeast of Kissmyassistan. Kissmyassistan and Kookoostan are led by insane foreign dictators who are currently engaged in massively destructive genocide.

Aaah, you've gotta love the middle east.

Bye!

Zombie Apocalypse

My school is going INSANE.

There's an MTV sponsored event called 'challenge day' that happens every year at White Hill, and it's SCARY. I haven't gone yet, but here's what I've found out from the people who HAVE gone.

You basically sit around and get to know each other better. It's like a sixties revival party. It is SO SCARY. One of my friends went today, and he's gone insane. He ran up to me and hugged me and said 'I LOVE ya, man!!!" When I asked him what was going on, he said I'd 'find out tomorrow' and that I'd 'learn some respect'. I told him to take his pills.

Then I asked another person, who said to me (with a straight face) 'I'm sorry for all the times I've wronged you'. Apparently, when it was their turn to 'share their feelings and deepest thoughts', some people broke into tears. I know what I'M gonna do tomorrow. Just stand up and say 'The truth? The TRUTH??? You can't HANDLE the truth!!!'

By Friday, I'm worried that I'll be the only sane person at my school. I bet they take you in the Gym, feed you snails, make you smoke some Galapagos Finches, and indoctrinate you with all sorts of weird lotions and ointments.

If I blog tomorrow and use the phrase 'feel the love' at any point, come and shoot me.

Bye!

How to Run a Company (Take it from the pros)

Greetings, greetings, greetings and salutations. Today I will be instructing you on how to run your company. But first, you must take a short quiz to see if you really are CEO material.

Question 1: Would you rather pay your employees with money or banana peels?

The correct answer was banana peels.

Question 2: You're watching TV. You see a story about poverty in a 3rd world country. Do you think:

A) I will spend my life helping these people.

B) That's awful.

C) What a great place to open a polluting factory where workers are paid minimum wage!!!

The correct answer was C.

Question 3: Would you rather have a health care plan for your company or an endless supply of workers to replace the fallen?

The correct answer was an endless supply of workers.

Did you answer any of those wrong? Yes? Congratulations! You've just been fired by the guy who answered correctly.

If not, keep reading.

First, you need a product. Don't start out too big, begin with something like laundry detergents and work your way up. That's what I did with my company, Vertco (which now makes cars. Whoo!)

Find a niche, and work it to your advantage. If necessary, take out a massive bank loan and buy out your competition.

Second, work up a slogan and an ad campaign. Don't be too original; work with what has been proven to be an effective sales method.

But to successfully market your product, you need a demographic. Who are you trying to reach? One-legged Albanian blind men? Great! Find out what they like to see in an ad! If you're shooting for the mid-life crisis group, make the ad look edgy (Red Bull, Nike, Jeep). If you think your valued customers would rather like comfort, make everything in the ad look soft and inviting (Lexus, Dove, Laz-e-boy). Does buying your product make you patriotic? Does it make you a veritable magnet for the opposite gender? Incorporate everything you can into that! Hula dancers, the Australian outback, and maybe a few American flags.

If you're working for Starbucks, skip the next paragraph.

Third, get your product out there! Put up stores, get it on the shelves, draw up billboards. Tip for the billboards: Don't use too much red; the drivers will think of those crappy Verizon ads and charge like a bull.

Fourth, deny EVERYTHING. If your laundry detergent is filled with acid, if your car's gas pedals stick (Toyota only), if your energy drinks explode, don't admit anything. If you must, pay off the people who are suing you out of court. Don't let the media catch anything.

Congrats! You are now qualified to run a company (into a ditch). Bye!

This is a PERFECT ad.

Opinions: Where I Tell You What You Should Think

HELLOOOO, PEOPLE!!! Today I have something special: CLASSIFIED INFORMATION.

I really should work for the CIA. Oh, wait, I do.

Anyway, there's a book out called Operation Dark Heart, which the Pentagon is buying out and destroying because it allegedly contains classified information. But since I already work for the CIA, I am able to leak a few interesting facts. Here's one: The printing machine on the fourth level of the CIA HQ is broken. No one can figure it out.

That was CLASSIFIED INFORMATION, folks. I have a few other things, but after that, they get kind of boring.

Anyway, the book is out now, buy it before some creepy 7-foot tall guy wearing a suit and tie grabs it off the shelf before you.

Here's another story that jumps out at you like a fireball out of a gas line: A fireball jumped out of a gas line!!!

Last week in San Bruno (which is situated south of San Fransisco and San Anselmo and north of San Mateo and San Diego), a massive gas line ruptured and killed at least four people. It also leveled a neighborhood and began to spread through smaller gas lines, blowing up homes as it went. However, it was still unable to do more damage to the neighborhood than Mel Gibson did to his career.

Since I took 10 days off from reporting news, I obviously missed a ton of stuff. Koran burning, Dr. Laura, Tea Party candidates, and the Bush tax cuts, I will now give you my quick, one-paragraph opinion of each of them:

First off, the only reason Mr. Floridaracistnutjob is even IN the news is because our insane, rabid media needs time to fill 23 full hours of news (not counting ads, traffic checkups, and weather reports). Because I am so vehemently opposed to this, I will not devote any more of this blog to talking about this idiot.

Second, Dr. Laura might as well be called Mrs. Radioracistnutjob. On air with one of her callers, she repeatedly said the word--- TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES. PLEASE STAND BY.

----and she later quit because she didn't want to 'have her first amendment rights violated'. What a complete moron. I've never trusted people who call themselves doctors (but aren't). Actually, I don't trust doctors either, but that's beside the point. This person has absolutely NO right to take calls and tell people what to do with their lives.

Now we move onto our third topic, the Tea Party candidates. Wheeee! Just when I thought I'd heard it all, Tea Party idiots across the nation (okay, actually two or three) defeated their more moderate Republican counterparts in numerous races. So, who are these people? Well, one of them is being investigated for sending porn to some friends via e-mail, and another wants to ban ________ as a form of adultery. Really, I can't say _______ on a blog? Geez, I wonder who the OTHER candidates were.

Finally, the Bush tax cuts, which are set to expire in December. SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!! What's the matter, quintillionares? Afraid you won't be able to afford that eighth Lamborghini? AWWWW, SO SAAAD.

That's my opinion on all current events. Bye!

Attack of the Clones

Here's an interesting picture for you: See if you can tell which one is me and which one is my evil clone:

This is not photoshopped. I don't even have photoshop. This is the real deal. Whoo!

Bye!

Scientology, or 'The Aliens did WHAT NOW???'

I recently had the best idea ever: Live your life like a TV show. This is working out well for me: All I have to do is slip in some random joke into any conversation, and BOOM! You have a sit-com. I even wrote a theme song for it!

We have a geography test tomorrow. OH MY GOD!!! Not. All we're supposed to do is draw all the continents and label them. UH, DOYYYYYY. I'm going the extra mile (I'm gonna draw in every single ****ing country and label it!!! Mwahahahaha!!!)

Here's a fascinating story I just heard: This Saturday is the anniversary of 9/11, and to 'celebrate' that fact, some reverend in Florida is going to burn the Koran. Oh, yay. Yet another complete idiot insulting millions of people for one purpose: RELIGION!!!

It just goes to prove what I've said for many years: Fact or not, there's no way to say that religion doesn't encourage violence/hate/radicalism. We would not have had the Nazis if it weren't for religion. Or the Roman's gladiator battles. Or 9/11. Or numerous mini-wars springing up in the mideast!!!

Now, I'm not against religion. You believe what you believe, and I believe what I believe (I believe a gigantic nacho will come out of the sky and allow us all to eat him). But when you decide "Hey, that guy doesn't subscribe to my religion! I'll blow his head off with an A-K that Ronald Reagan sold me!!!", I have a problem.

Now, I was scheduled to have Bob Selkowitz, my evil conservative counterpart, give his rebuttal, but he's vacationing in Florida right now. Something about a burning.

And now for my new feature: The RELIGOMETER!!! It instantly charts up the religion's most famous attributes. Today we have...

SCIENTOLOGY.

I'm not clear on the specifics of this religion (if you can call it that), but I do know it well enough to write this list (with help from my good friend, Wikipedia). Here's a few of the more interesting facts:

•They videotape their confessions (I think they can be found on YouTube). The most interesting are the ones with Tom Cruise, who is a scientologist. Eek.

•There are many different veins of it, but I'm 100% sure that some of them believe in some sort of alien overlord.

•They use evil intonations and black blood directly from their god to rip out the heart of their victims before lowering them into a pit of lava, where they meet their fiery doom. Oh, wait, that's that cult from Indiana Jones #2.

•Unlike other religions, they operate from old New York theaters and cruise ships. Not your everyday Synagogue.

•Back to number two, they believe that aliens somehow interfered with early Earth events (ie, dinosaurs, big bang, moon, that kinda stuff).

•They believe that everyone has some sort of superpower. For instance, I can bend spoons with my mind. They draw out these powers using sessions called audits. Halfway through the session, they bring some guys from the IRS out to finish.

That's all I got. Bye!

Cliffhanger...

Oh my god. I just created the greatest series EVER on Funny Times. Click the following link to view it (but finish reading this blog first!!!)

CLIFFHANGER

Remember, read the cartoon in REVERSE ORDER. Start with page three and go to page one, since due to the odd setup of the playground gallery, the first page is the most recent 'toon.

Speaking of Funny Times, I recently passed the 750 cartoons mark. This means I have only 250 or so more cartoons until I hit the big 1,000. Only two 'tooners have hit 1,000: cta and Eric Per1in. I am SO CLOSE I CAN TASTE IT!!!

However, there is an enormous obstacle in my way: The reality of how long it takes to make 250 cartoons. That's why I've just been pumping them out recently. I went through five pages of cartoons in two days. That's 25 cartoons. Which means I had to do at least one cartoon for every waking hour of the past two days.

Speaking of waking hours, I recently realized something: If you live to be 80, you've only technically lived 40 years! That's because you were asleep for half that time! Now, of course, you ARE alive when you sleep, you're just not conscious. This means that you're only actually DOING anything for half your life (or if you're George Costanza, none of it).

That's all I've got. Bye!

Sarah Plain and Todd

Yo, peoples!!! I have an interesting blog today: The idiocy of Sarah Palin. My good friend Elephant Man shall illustrate:

Here's another: "My favorite country to visit is Paris".

And now, we're thinking of electing this person as PRESIDENT? Sure, she's had four years to study, but the presidency isn't the SATs! What if she writes notes on her hands, but washes them off? Great! Now we've lost the code to launch the nuclear missiles!!!

People as stupid as this really should be locked up. Here's another metaphor: Remember back in the day, when Seinfeld was still on air? In one episode, George wants to convert to Latvian Orthodox for his girlfriend, but to do so, he has to take a test on the religion. He writes notes on his hands, and the members of the church think he's a genius. But when the high priest archpopebishop guy says "George, you're obviously full of love for our religion", George says "Oh, I'm full of it, father" and raises the hand with all the notes on it. Back then, we laughed at his complete incompetence. But now, that's perfectly acceptable, because 25% of Americans think Sarah's actually eligible for president.

But that leads to an even scarier conclusion: Democrats and Republicans are about 50-50 in this country, right? But that means that only HALF of the Republicans like Sarah Palin!

This means... and I say this with EXTREME terror... that there may actually be some smart Republicans.

OH MY GOD.

Bye!