The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Nine: Etched in Stone

There's been a lot of major political gaffes this past week, but I'd like to make the main focus of this post about Mitt Romney's. On a TV interview a few days ago, Romney's campaign advisor said that when Romney won the general elections, "It'll be like an Etch-a-Sketch. Everything will start over".

You can see the problem. That clip went viral and the day became known as 'Etch-a-Sketch Day'. This, of course, validates the GOP's worst fears that Romney won't stand for anything. Which is better than others. Romney may have set his beliefs in an Etch-a-Sketch, but Rick Santorum set his beliefs in stone.

Speaking of Santorum, the human ventriloquist dummy/presidential candidate made the news again this week, and this time it had nothing to do with his namesake. Santorum had just given a speech on how Romney is actually worse than Obama, and no one should even bother voting for Romney because he wouldn't make a difference. When he got off the stage to leave, a few reporters asked him some tough questions. They mentioned how he had said that Romney was worse than Obama, and he flipped the hell out.

His first mistake was to deny that he had said that. His second was to call the reporter a liar. And his third was to say "You broadcast any of that, it's bulls***". Now, you would think that Santorum would be much more open-minded towards bulls***, seeing as it makes up roughly 84% of his campaign. But he was freaking serious. He looked like he was ready to tear the poor guy's head off.

Meanwhile, Obama's gaffe occurred during a meeting with an envoy from Russia. He mentioned how this was his re-election, and that in his second term, "Things would be a lot more flexible". Five words for you, Mr. President: Are you f***ing kidding me? This is EXACTLY what the GOP is looking for! This is what they've been telling the American people about for months! Newt Gingrich even said that on your first day of re-election, you would wage war on the Catholic Church!

The funniest part about that wasn't Obama's major screw-up, it was the response. The envoy said "I transmit this information to Vladimir". Now, go back and read that quote with a Russian accent.

See? Anything a Russian says is funny! Anyway, Jon Stewart did a great bit on it. So watch it off of Hulu sometime. And by the way, the Etch-a-Sketch picture up there was drawn by me, and it's COPYRIGHTED. Don't even THINK about using it without crediting me.

You just thought about it, didn't you? Sigh.

Bye!

Hoodies... Hoodies Everywhere...

There's been a recent tragedy in Florida, and this time it doesn't involve election results. A black teenager was walking home one day when a neighborhood watchman shot and killed him after thinking he was a credible threat. Now, the teenager was carrying only tea and skittles, but those CAN be deadly weapons when combined.

Wait, I'm thinking of Coke and Mentos®. Never mind. Now, there's a lot of possible things to blame for this. A dysfunctional country, a poor neighborhood watch in Florida, the watchman himself... but Geraldo Rivera has another theory. Brace yourself: HOODIES. That's right. HOODIES. According to Geraldo, "The hoodie is just as much to blame for his death as the shooter".

Now, I'm not a fan of this theory, seeing as I wear a hoodie every day of my life (as well as basically everyone else I know), but it does kind of hold water. Besides, this wouldn't be the first time a hood has done something bad to a black person.

In support of the victim, thousands of people across America have started wearing hoods. That sounds a little awkward, given the picture I just showed, but you get what I'm saying. Broadcasters, news anchors, and ordinary peeps have been wearing hoodies every waking hour. Or maybe they're just in a gang. Who knows?

Not George Zimmerman, the neighborhood watchman who gunned him down. According to Florida's 'Stand Your Ground' law, anyone who is threatened is allowed to use deadly force. Now, there's no actual proof that the man threatened Zimmerman, but who's going to testify against him?

The guy's dead.

And on that happy note, bye!

(Sarcasm: Level 9,001)

Rush to Judgement

Rush Limbaugh is a giant asshole. Look, I'm sorry, but it just had to be said. I wasn't able to blog for a while, seeing as my great-aunt died, but this story must be covered at all costs.

During hearings to determine whether health care providers/businesses should have to pay for birth control, a woman named Sandra Fluke (the only woman in the room, but the way) took the stand and talked about how it was often hard for many women to afford birth control. Seems innocuous enough, right? WRONG. Rush Limbaugh, everyone's favorite man-ham hybrid, went on air saying that, if health care providers paid for birth control, they were basically paying for women to have sex.

Now, if he had left it right there, some might have said he had a valid point. But, knowing Rush, he had to take it to the next level... and the next and the next and the next and the next and the next... you get my point.

He called Sandra Fluke a slut. And it gets worse. He went on air the NEXT day and said that 'If the rest of us have to pay for you to have sex, Sandra, the least you could do is let us watch'. HE SAID THAT! ON NATIONAL RADIO! How...? Why...? I just don't get it. The guy sounds like the 47-year-old creepy uncle who you only see once a year at Thanksgiving and stares at your older sister intently.

Yeah, like that. HE'S WATCHING YOU! HE'S WATCHING YOU...

And for those of you who think Rush had a valid point, let me just explain something. Some health care companies cover VIAGRA! Yeah! Viagra! And speaking of health care, the supreme court is currently hearing arguments over Obama's Health Care Bill (I REFUSE to call it Obamacare) to see if it is unconstitutional. It makes me sick.

Eventually, Rush apologized, saying that he's 'merely an entertainer'. But what does that mean for the thousands of people who actually believe the crap he spouts off? Their whole life is a lie!

It really proves the old adage, right? 'Never underestimate the destructive power of this fully armed and operational battle station'. Wait, that's not right. Um... 'Never go against a Sicilian when death is on the line'. No. 'Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down...' OH! 'Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups'.

Bye!

The Hunger Games

I was hoping to blog about this movie as soon as it came out, so that I could say that this post was 'cutting edge', or 'high-tech', or 'updated hourly', or even 'well-written'. But I didn't. So I can't. So without further ado, let's get right into my review of The Hunger Games!

I'm not going to bother giving you the basic plot outline for The Hunger Games. I'm going to assume that every media outlet has broadcast the plot into your skull 24/7. I don't fully know what to think of this movie. It failed in some parts and was badass in others. Its main accomplishment was the never-ending adrenaline rush that stayed with you after you left the theater. The bad part was the fight scenes often came in between long, monotonous shots of teenagers staring at each other 'lovingly'. It tried to have something for everyone, but ended up just disappointing anyone who hadn't read the books (me!).

For the guys, there were intense, deadly fight scenes. For the girls, there was romance and crap. But it's really awkward for the fellas to sit through stuff like that, and there wasn't even enough gore to upset a weak stomach. But I can imagine that for girls, the arrow-shooting and random sword fights can get old.

The cinematography was bad, too. The camera jerked around like it was a home video. It could have gotten away with it, but it wasn't a found-footage film like Chronicle. It had no excuse.

BUT: It is an extraordinarily memorable movie, with intense battles and a great scene where she shoots an arrow through an apple while it's in a pig's mouth... I guess that didn't make any sense to anyone who didn't see the movie. But it wasn't too bad. And even for the dudes, the ending scene was kind of nice. Also, there's a Stephen Colbert-like character who runs a TV show and hosts the Hunger Games themselves. Final score? 6/10. Not bad, but not great.

Let's end with a plus: Jennifer Lawrence was pretty boss sauce. I hadn't seen her in anything else, but she was pretty impressive.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Eight: It's Not the Heat, it's the Stupidity

The results for six territories/states have come in, and here's the basic results: If it's hot, humid, and filled to the brim with shotguns and cheesy grits, it went to Santorum. Everything else went to Mitt Romney. Now, I find it somewhat frustrating that people keep mocking Romney for his origins. Yes, he is the product of a mixed marriage. His mother was white and his father was a mannequin. So STOP PICKING ON MITT! His heritage has caused him enough problems already. For instance, you know how your parents used to tell you that when you made a funny face, it would stick that way? That actually WORKS for mannequin-americans. Take a look.

EW, SICK! GROSS! Imagine having to live life like that, folks! Hideously deformed, with no hope of a cure! So think twice before you insult mannequin-americans next time. It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

As I'm sure you know, I have been following the KONY 2012 movement diligently. Diligently, in the sense that I blogged about it once and forgot all about it. And I was shocked the other day when I went on Memebase (where I get all my news), and heard a report that the movement's founder, Jason Russell, stripped naked in San Diego and began yelling and making... shall we say... 'jerking' hand movements. By the way: Strip Naked in San Diego? Great title for a sequel to 'Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas'.

Anyway, this new form of activism (which I call Faptivism) has gotten Russell jailed and suspected of psychosis. Which must make all those people who sent him money wonder where that went. My guess is it went to the Psychotic Naked Foundation Founders for Public Masturbation Fund.
How nice.
Bye!

21 Jump Street

I went to see 21 Jump Street earlier today. Apparently it was based off of an old 90's TV show that no one on the face of the f***ing planet had ever heard of before... but whatever. Pretty much anything with Jonah Hill is going to be good, but this was even better than I expected. First off, it was much cruder than I though it was going to be, which is always good. Second, it had more emotional depth, which is a thumbs-down. Oh, and 'Channing Tatum'? What the hell kind of a name is that? You might as well be named 'Englebert Humperdink'.

Wait, he exists?

At the end of the day, it was a worthy film, but it doesn't quite stack up to others of the genre (The Hangover, Paul, Borat, Project X, etc). It had some memorable moments, like when Jonah Hill gets stabbed without knowing it, or the angry black police captain who knows he's a stereotype and leverages it. So, final score for 21 Jump Street? (DRUMROLL, PLEASE)...

7 1/2 out of 10 stars! I give any movie I mostly enjoyed seven stars and any movie I want to buy if I get it at a garage sale eight stars, so this should fit right in. By the way, here's the official listing of my movie rankings:

10: I already own it (Raiders of the Lost Ark).

9: I'm buying it as soon as it comes out on DVD (50/50).

8: Not bad... (Chronicle).

7: It was good, except for Nicholas Cage (National Treasure).

6: Maybe the sequel will be better (Watchmen).

5: EXPLOSIONS BUT NO PLOT! Awesome (The A-Team).

4: WTF? (The Core)

3: Someone was high when they wrote this screenplay... (Terminator: Salvation).

2: Everyone involved in this movie should be ashamed (Hugo).

1: Everyone involved in this movie should die (Clash of the Titans).

0: Here be Dragons (You don't want to know).

So, in the end? It didn't have Nicholas Cage. There you have it. I expect you to use my scoresheet when doing your own movie ratings or reading mine (hint: READ MINE.)

Bye!

When the River Runs Green

Today is St. Patrick's Day, meaning that all across the world tomorrow, people will be waking up wearing a lampshade... and nothing else. Unfortunately, I don't get to participate in that. I'm only fourteen. But my time will come, and then... there shall be great reckoning.

Now, being part Irish, I can get away with not actually wearing green on St. Patrick's Day, seeing as my veins are green. Kind of like Vulcans, but an Irishman's blood alcohol level is much higher already. Anyway, some people aren't that lucky. On the west coast, the tradition is to pinch anyone who isn't wearing green. On the east coast, you punch them. And in the south, you throw a wet sponge at them. Fun fact: Thousands of people in the south don't wear green on St. Patrick's Day every year in hopes of getting the only moisture in the south thrown at them.

St. Patrick's Day Joke #1: How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

Answer: ZERO!!! Ha! It's funny, 'cause... potato famine.

That is one badass leprechaun.

St. Patrick's Day Joke #2: A ventriloquist is doing his act at a pub in Ireland when an Irishman stands up. "Hey", says the Irishman, "You're making all us Irishmen out to be drunk and stupid". "I'm sorry..." stammers the ventriloquist. "Not you!" yells the Irishman. "I'm talking to that little feller on yer knee!"

Here's an interesting tidbit: Did you know that on the original St. Patrick's Day Parade in New York, the river was not dyed green intentionally? It was actually dyed on the day AFTER St. Patrick's Day, when thousands of hungover New Yorkers vomited into the river.

And I'd like to leave my St. Patrick's Day post off on a high note, so here's my all-time favorite Irish joke:

St. Patrick's Day Joke #3: An Irishman walks out of a bar.

HA! It's funny, because it's IMPOSSIBLE!

Bye!

PHONEY 2012

Let me tell you a little story. Once upon a time, there was a country called Uganda. Uganda was in the middle of the biggest s***hole on the face of the planet. The s***hole was called Africa. All across Africa, terrible things happened. All of northern Africa was ruled by dictators. Western Africa still had slaves. Somalia was in destitute poverty, and southern Africa was (and still is) ravaged by a 30-year long AIDS epidemic.

The middle of Africa is a melting pot of all those disasters, plus a little extra civil wars, mindless bloodshed, and gratuitous starvation. There is one country in Africa that has no problems. It is called Ghana. But everyone cares about Ghana because it hosted the World Cup.

Uganda is a country in the middle of Africa. It has no working government, electricity, roads, modern cities, potable water, working cars, internet access, Blu-ray technology, air conditioning, edible food, or coordinated job-creating system.

The worst person in all of Uganda is Joseph Kony. Ever since 1992, he has been abducting kids from their homes and forcing them to serve in his army, the LRA (Lord's Resistance Army). He sorts them into two groups: Soldiers and sex slaves (choose wisely). Once someone is abducted into the LRA, they are often forced to kill their parents, and are then sent on a mandatory mutilation/killing/hacking off people's limbs and setting them on fire/raping spree. What a dick.

So, one would think that when someone tried to put a stop to a mass-murdering psychopath who has been compared to a modern-day Hitler, no one would complain. Well, one would be wrong. For every person on the internet or on the phone donating money to stop this f***er, there's someone saying that it's all a scam, and that the people organizing Kony 2012 (the effort to get him brought to The Hague) are just con artists.

Well, even if that was true, Kony is still a massive asshole. He's even been endorsed by Rush Limbaugh. Let me explain: President Obama sent in 100 US soldiers to Uganda to help in Kony's arrest. Limbaugh, who assumes everything Obama does is a socialist plot, decided to go on his radio show and talk about the LRA. He assumed (inaccurately, of course), that Obama was going after Christians because the word 'Lord' was in the LRA's name. Oops. That is what I would refer to as a 'faux pas'.

So, what about Kony? Well, he's still in the jungle somewhere, trying to find a way to abduct more children in the middle of the night. This whole thing reads like the plot from 'Taken'. But, are we going to let him live?

Yes, actually. If the past is any indicator, he'll make it another ten years at least.

Bye!

Dumbstep

There is a new, disgusting fad ravaging America. Not since the dark days of Justin Bieber and Twilight have those of us with good taste suffered such an indignity. It's called Dubstep, and it's just about as f***ing stupid as it can get.

Basically, Dubstep is the dumbing-down of all music as we know it. First there was Perry Como. Then there was Muzak. Then there was Rebecca Black. And now we, as a society, have reached a new low. Dubstep takes no skill. It takes no brains. It is merely electronic sounds pulsed into your ears for four painful minutes. Then the next 'song' starts. You know how the DJ used to make those noises with the record before playing it? It's just that.

I didn't think we could go any lower than 'Baby, baby, baby, bay-beeeeEEEEEE!!!', but this is unbe-f***ing-lievable. Those who listen to Dubstep should be put in a pit with speakers that blasts nothing but The Beatles 24/7. It makes me sick. There are no lyrics. There is nothing called 'talent' involved. Whoever the giant dickhead who invented this is, he should be put to a swift yet painful end.

So: On behalf of my generation, I apologize. We made crap like this popular. Eventually, we will grow up, and start listening to stuff like The Black Keys or Train, but until then, the rest of us will have to put up with it.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Seven: SUPER TUESDAY!!!

It has... not happened. All Republicans thought that they would be forced to support Mitt Romney as of yesterday, but the results were STILL inconclusive. Gingrich won Georgia (another great thing that lame-ass state has done for us), and the two biggest prizes, Ohio and Tennessee, were split between Rick Santorum (Google his name!) and the Blandmeister himself, Mitt Romney. There were also votes cast last night in Oklahoma, Alaska, Idaho, Massachusetts, North Dakota, Virginia, and Vermont, all of which were divided up between the two front-runners.

Now, for those of you who depend on a semi-sociopathic 14-year-old's blog for all your election coverage, I'm sorry: I can't give you the in-depth info that you'll get from places like CNN or MSNBC. I can't deliver on eye-popping infographics. And I don't have a board of professional political analyzers to comment on Super Tuesday: Part One. But what I DO have is a certain set of skills. Skills I've acquired over a long blogging career. Skills that make me a nightmare for readers like you. You keep reading my post, and that'll be the end of it. I will not hunt you. But if you DO stop reading my blog... I will hunt you. I will find you. And I will subject you to 12 hours of obscure movie references like this one. So, without further ado, the election results, PLEASE!

Purple is Santorum, teal is Romney, and orange is Gingrich. By the way, nothing rhymes with 'orange'? 'Georgia' comes close.

Now, there is one interesting discrepancy in the election results: Both states that have voted for Gingrich (Georgia and South Carolina) are right next to each other. Which explains my long-running theory: The south has something odd it its water supply. And to my readers from the south... how many fingers am I holding up?

In other news, Apple unveiled the new iPad 3, complete with an app that allows you to communicate with Steve Jobs in the afterlife. Actually, Steve believed in reincarnation, so maybe all the people who say he's in heaven are wrong. He's back here on Earth in another form. Maybe he was reincarnated as a Chinese worker forced to piece together iPad 3's for his whole life. You never know.

Bye!

Lin't

I should explain: Instead of Lent, the Catholic tradition of giving up something you like to do for 40 days, I have started Lin't, in honor of Jeremy Lin. Fun fact: I also plan on collaborating on a new movie with him called... well, I'll let you guess.

Anyway, I don't know what to give up for Lin't. I was going to give up sexual innuendos, but it was too hard. Then I tried to give up blogging, but that obviously didn't work out too well. And then I tried to give up sexual innuendos AGAIN, but I just couldn't stop! But I just finally figured out what to give up: Being an Atheist. I know, I know, it's gonna be tough. But judging by that past sentence, it'll be much easier than giving up innuendos.

Speaking of Catholicism, the Pope has started tweeting. Not LITERALLY, though that would be yet another sign of papal dementia.

Okay, I only used that so I could photoshop the Pope saying 'Tweet'. But it's funny. And there's nothing creepy about this. It's just the head of a massive organization that has been investigated for pedophilia reaching out (metaphorically, of course) to younger people via the internet. Not creepy.

Not creepy at all.

Bye!