Revolutionaries III: One Egg is Un Oeuf

Yeah, I'm still doing this, settle down. I'm reporting from 1776 to tell you that the people of the past are F**KING DICKS. Remember those Mexicans I picked up on the way to Philly? They tried to kill me, and they took my time machine. So now I'm stuck, with no awesome Chevy Camaro to take me around. I have, however, stowed away on a French ship leaving New Orleans and heading for New York, so it's all good. Now I need to find a way to get BACK TO THE FUTURE!!! Ah... I love typing those words.

Today's school truth: #5: The internet is the root of all evil. It will distract you using everything it's got. True dat.

The French are nice enough people, but they keep thumbing their noses at me and telling other people that their muskets are inferior to theirs. So at the end of the day, nothing's changed for 237 years. 

The Frenchies here do possess some pretty advanced weaponry, however-- their rifles are capable of being dropped to the ground in surrender in 0.06 seconds.

 

The outer thirds of the French flag can be detached in case of emergency surrendering.

Anyway, it looks like the Mexicans will be taking my car to Mexico City, probably to turn it into a low-rider... I'm so screwed. Or they won't know how to put in the gas and have to push it the last 1,000 miles. So maybe I'll have the last laugh.

I'll be able to write soon about my first visit to New York. Until then, I'll have to duck around the ship, faking a French accent and fighting scurvy.

This was a mistake.

Bye!

Revolutionaries II: Calling in the Mexperts

Okay, everyone-- STORY UPDATE TIME!!! I've made it through Mexico, and am now on my way to Louisiana to see the old-timey Frenchies. You may be wondering how I have traipsed across almost 2,000 miles in 24 hours in an old Chevy Camaro, with no roads or maps. Well, in reality, it's been three months. I'm sending these posts through the space-time continuum for my future self to publish. So if you're reading this, I got out safe!

Today's School Truth: #4: Do anything and everything to avoid class. And for those of you wondering, yes, I did bring The Doodlebook back in time with me. Awesome sauce.

I did run out of gas, but was able to steal a barrel of whale oil from some Spaniards. Won't matter; they're going to get kicked out anyway. And on the way, I was able to pick up a few Mexican hitchhikers. They're sitting in and clinging onto my car right now.



I used my exceedingly minimal knowledge of the Spanish language to tell them that California would eventually come under Mexican rule, but they thought I was being ridiculous. Or maybe I accidentally said something like "Where is my father's cheese?" or something. Here, I'll let one of them type something:

Tenemos la intencion de matar a usted.

No idea what that meant. Oh, and if someone in the future could do a few things for me, that would be great-- Feed my cat, pick up my mail, water my indoor plants, check my messages and return all my calls, tend to my farm on Farmville, flush my toilets so the gaskets don't rust, and make sure nobody puts a 'For Sale' sign in front of the house.

Adios!

Revolutionaries

I should explain the weird typeface... in fact, I should explain a lot of stuff. I've been pretty pissed off at lawmakers and America in general the past couple of days (see my previous post, WHYYYYoming), so I've decided to do something drastic. Yeah, I built a time machine. And I've traveled back to 1776. Why? I'll f**king tell you why. Because while Republicans and Democrats bitch and moan about how the founding fathers are really on their side, I figured SOMEone has to find out themselves. And as always, the task falls to me.

So, this is an exciting point in time, right? WRONG. There's nothing here but grassy hills and bogs. I'm pretty much ready to go home. And if you're wondering how I'm writing this blog post... well... shut up. Because plotline. And they have typewriters now. I think.

I usually write about the news when I post s**t on this blog, but I have no idea what's going on in 2013, do I? But I also have no idea what's going on in 1776. I'm pretty sure that I'm somewhere in California, which is a problem. I need to get from one side of 'Merica to the other. Which is actually fine, seeing as my time machine is really a modified car. No, not a DeLorean. It's a 1969 Chevy Camaro. 



Yeah, THAT'S MY CAR.

Unfortunately, it doesn't get very good gas milage, so I'm probably going to have to push it past Texas. Unless anyone knows any good gasoline substitutes readily available in 1776, like whale oil or Benjamin Franklin's hand lotion. Sigh... I'm done. Today's school truth: #3: I never met a test I had to study for.

Kind of moot now though, seeing as I have to either drive down to Mexico or try to cross the high Sierras with a Camaro. Now that I think about it, I should have driven across the country and THEN traveled back in time. You live and you learn...

No matter what, though, I'm gonna get to the east coast. And then PUNDITS BEWARE!!! We'll just see who's right about what!

Good day!

WHYYYYoming

So, I had to watch an hour long video in PE today about suicide. Yeah, that's 'Physical Education'. Actually, the video was probably only 30 minutes, but every five minutes the people running the damn thing stopped it to ask us "Okay, what are some early warning signs of suicide?" Even though we just f**king saw it in the video... what a waste of my time...

There seems to be a national phobia that all of our nation's teenagers are suicidal YOLO-ing emo attention hogs. But I can assure you that's not the case (although sometimes you wouldn't know it from looking at my school). I don't know how they'd do it, but they should find a way to take care of so-called 'at risk' people without putting me through an hour of crap. In the immortal words of Will Smith, "I COULDA BEEN AT A BARBECUE!!!"

Today's school truth: #2: When the choice comes between homework and movies, pick movies.

Speaking of suicide and other depressing topics, a national study says that 2 out of 3 gun deaths in America are suicides, and Wyoming is apparently the number one most suicidal state in the union. Which makes sense. Dick Cheney's probably been accidentally shooting people up and then making it look like it was suicide. And so now the new slang for committing suicide is 'Going to Wyoming'.

GOD, DAMN!!! This is a REALLY depressing blog post! I'll make the picture a little happier.



OH MY GOD KITTENS. Soooo cuuuute....

Now: BACK TO DEPRESSING NEWS STORIES! The senate looks like it won't be ratifying Obama's assault weapons ban, which was to be expected. Mainly because most of the senators have taken large campaign contributions from the NRA, and care more about winning the next election than the good of the American people. So yes, it was to be expected.

And to put you even further down in the dumps, seven Marines were killed today during a training exercise in Nevada. That's what they always call it, though... I say that Iron Man was probably involved. But... s**t... I've done four-- COUNT 'EM! FOUR!!!-- stories now about guns, deaths, and Wyoming. Really depressing, I know. So just look back at that kitten picture.

Sorry, people. Maybe tomorrow the news will be more uplifting.

Bye!

Breaking Pope

It's Saint Patrick's Day today, and all across the world, people are celebrating by burping up the contents of their stomachs while defecating in the corner of a bowling alley. I'm pretty happy today-- a year ago, I wore green by having green bands put on my braces. CAN'T DO THAT S**T ANYMORE, CAN I??? So yes, I am content.

I may have mentioned this in previous posts, but I have been recording all of my ingenious thoughts on paper, in a notebook I call THE DOODLEBOOK. Of course, all my wisdom didn't fit in that, so I had to expand to Volume II and Volume III. I don't want these genius ideas to have to sit on paper forever though, so now I'm going to post a little bit of The Doodlebook on this blog at a time and hopefully, over the years, I'll load the whole thing. Today we begin the arduous task of uploading all my GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT SCHOOL. #1: Spanish homework can be put off forever.

I've been working on The Doodlebook for years now, and the three volumes are almost jam-packed with every bit of useful information you need to survive. There's the Idiot's Guide to Mixing a White Marinite (my personalized chocolate drink). There's The Periodic Table of Awesome. And of course, there's THE PEEP CODE, which is absolute law among my friends. And don't worry-- although there's a clause about executions, we haven't had to carry one out.

Yet.


Anyway, there are some other things to talk about today, for instance the fact that Pope Francis I has a master's degree in chemistry. A lot of people think this means that he'll be more open to science and its ideas, but I disagree-- if Breaking Bad is any indication, he'll be cooking meth in the Vatican before the week is out. In fact... hmm... maybe that's what the white smoke is. And they've just called Francis in to help them out with the recipe.

Bye!

Mile-High Billiards

I have fulfilled a mission I've wanted to accomplish for nearly ten years. At a school event, I stood up in front of about a hundred parents and teachers, and said the words "We don't want to drown in a sea of our own excrement." MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!! I should explain: Last night was the final day of a two-month project that culminated in a presentation about what a Mars Colony would be like. And I got to give a twelve-second mini-speech about 'waste management artisans', or for you plebeians out there, 'people who take human feces and pack it into the walls.'

The best part, however, is that my group's poster was apparently so good that it's going to be sent into Space X (not Space XXX, that's a different organization altogether). So maybe one day when a Mars Colony is actually set up, the ATVs will be based on my genius design and be emblazoned with the Vertco Motors logo.

As fully awesome as this news may seem, there are other, far more real topics that require my immediate attention. Firstly, the TSA has declared that hockey sticks, pool cues, and small knives will now be allowed on planes. This is some pretty next-level s**t, seeing as they won't let you get on the plane without taking your shoes off and getting a full cavity strip search. Jesus, just TYPING those words made me want to throw up.

A lot of people are getting pissed that they can now bring on Swiss Army Knives and not bottled water, but my problem is far bigger-- How do we know that terrorists haven't been trained in advanced billiards? Seriously, this is a big issue. They might attempt a shot like this:


That's one DEADLY f**kin' pool cue.

Meanwhile, we have a first amendment problem on our hands, and for once it has nothing to do with the Westboro Baptist Church. A New York City cop was convicted this week of plotting to kidnap, cook, and eat a woman. So yes, this is creepy. And it puts New York high in the running for my BULLS**T OF THE YEAR AWARD for 2013. The problem with the case was that the guy hadn't actually done anything yet, and had just sent emails back and forth, which he said were jokes. Now, ignoring the obvious comparisons between this and Minority Report, I think this ended wrongly. Sure, the guy's a creepy f**ker who clearly needs his head examined, but he hadn't committed a crime, and there's nothing to prove that he wasn't just joking around. I can totally imagine a scenario where one of my friends texts me something, and black helicopters show up on my street in the middle of the night.

But at least New York can say SOMETHING sane about itself, because this week the infamous large soda drink ban was struck down, just a day before it was set to be enacted. So Jon Stewart will be overjoyed. Of course, Bloomberg refused to accept this, and vowed to fight obesity until his dying days. So now New York knows what they really need to crack down on: Cannibal cops and soda drinkers.

 Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode IV: A New Pope

IT IS A PERIOD OF CIVIL WAR WITHIN THE CATHOLIC CHURCH. REBEL PRIESTS, STRIKING FROM HIDDEN LIBERAL COMMUNITIES, HAVE WON THEIR FIRST VICTORY AGAINST THE EVIL CHURCH HIERARCHY.

DURING THE BATTLE FOR POPEHOOD, REBEL SPIES MANAGED TO STEAL SECRET PLANS TO THE EMPIRE'S ULTIMATE WEAPON, THE MOLESTATION COVER-UP, A SERIES OF CONFIDENTIAL EMAILS WITH ENOUGH POWER TO DESTROY AN ENTIRE RELIGION.

PURSUED BY THE CHURCH'S SINISTER CARDINALS, POPE FRANCIS THE FIRST RACES HOME ABOARD HIS POPEMOBILE, CUSTODIAN OF THE STOLEN EMAILS THAT CAN UN-BRAINWASH THE PEOPLE AND RESTORE FREEDOM TO THE WORLD...



Yeah, this is back. As you may remember, I've already written Gulf Wars Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction, Episode II: Clone of the Attack, and Episode III: Re-hash of the S**t. And while this story doesn't really pertain to the war in Iraq whatsoever, I've been waiting for a good pun for A New Hope to come along for over a year now.

In fact, throughout my life, I've tried and failed to come up with a pun for A New Hope. And EVERY TIME, the only thing I could come up with was "A New Pope." But seeing as we haven't had a new pope for eight years, it was utterly useless. Which is why I'm writing this ASAP.

So yes, A POPE HAS BEEN CHOSEN!!! And he's from South America, or as Europe calls it, "The New World." Oh... s**t... "A New World" might have worked... F**K!!!

Pope Francis the first is Argentinian, making him the first Pope to be from the Americas. Still on the list: Antarctica. Anyway, we'll need to wait a while to find out exactly what his stances are on things like contraception and abortion, namely because no one has ever heard of this man before in their lives. And here's what pisses ME off: CNN announced the new Pope (God, I love saying those words together) practically SECONDS after white smoke rose from the Vatican's chimney. Which makes me wonder... is there some asshole in the bowels of CNN watching a live video feed of that f**king chimney while twiddling his thumbs?

I don't even care. Oh, and if you have some churchly aspirations in life, click THIS video to find out how to become pope.

Bye!

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I am in a great mood right now. I have just finished an epic five-hour homework binge, and wrote two essays for English and Science. And I have recently gotten word from my contacts in the UK that Justin Bieber has been hospitalized after getting short of breath during a concert. So, cross your fingers and hope that he has some sort of rare vocal cord disease that renders him unable to sing.

Unfortunately, this may be rendered somewhat trivial soon, because North Korea has just said that they intend to nuke the United States. This may not come as a surprise, as it's been pretty clear that that's their intention for a while now. But this is the first time they've really come out and said it. So now it's time... North Korea's gonna regret this... it's time to BREAK OUT THE BOOK OF REALLY HARSH RHETORIC!!!

I wonder what it's gonna take for us to do something about North Korea. They're like a sixth grader who pokes you with a stick repeatedly, and knows that you're too good of a person to just punch them in the face. But sooner or later, we're going to have to do SOMETHING about it, whether that's nuking them or just sending a CIA assassin squad to bring us the head of Kim Jong Un.


No, really, he doesn't look like that.

In actuality, the UN has strengthened its sanctions on North Korea... whatever that means. I guess now we're going to be really strict about the food that their people don't eat... and the nuclear weapons programs they can't get to work... yeah...

Meanwhile, we've discovered that China has been repeatedly hacking our news databases, I guess in order to give their country some much-needed cat pictures. You can just imagine some Chinese hacker sitting in the basement of an undisclosed government building hitting the arrow key thousands of times. "LOLcats... LOLcats... LOLcats... F**K!!!"

The strangest thing is that they hacked the New York Times and CNN. Are you kidding me here? If you want to find out what's going on in America, you DON'T LISTEN TO CNN!!! Have you people learned NOTHING? Damn...

Bye!

The Confeders**t States of America

Remember about a week ago when I wrote a post called Mississippi Unchained, about how that backwards-ass sodsucking hick state just NOW ratified the 13th amendment? Well, the south is at it again. In Shelby County, Alabama, some jackass decided that the Voting Rights Act, which guaranteed  the right to vote for minorities, has no place in the 21st century. His argument? 'Racism is gone.'

Never, ever tell me that there is no racism in America. I will flip f**king s**t. Just be prepared; for I am about to swear more in this one blog post than all of my others combined. So, now that you've been warned, we can begin.

F**K THE SOUTH. Mississippi, Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, and DON'T GET ME STARTED ON GODDAMN GEORGIA. These are places where being a fat f**king bastard is 'genetic', but being gay is a 'lifestyle choice.' And sure, maybe there are some people in these states who aren't RACIST HICKS, but they never get to go on TV and dispel the stereotypes that the media has perpetrated about them, do they?

Name a state in the south, and I can tell you some way they've discriminated against minorities. Arkansas was home to The Little Rock Nine, a group of nine black students who integrated Little Rock High School, and who were subsequently threatened with death 24/7. Texas has been organizing gerrymandering tactics for years in order to redistrict the state and disenfranchise minorities. And South Carolina... is... home to that guy who said he was in love with a f**king horse. HOW CAN YOU PEOPLE TOLERATE MAN-HORSE LOVE AND NOT MAN-MAN LOVE??? You f**king people...


One day, when Texas brings up secession for the 10,000th time, we should just LET 'EM GO. And see how long they last before their whole society collapses. Son of a bitch... I'm just done... this is the last straw...

Because, you see, the Voting Rights Act is basically a punishment. We're telling the south "You're a bunch of racist douchebags, and we can't trust you to treat other people equally. So we're going to have to watch you extra-carefully to make sure you don't F**K OUR VOTING SYSTEM UP!!!" It's like babysitting a toddler... who yells racial slurs at people of different ethnicities. You have to make sure that you don't let them out of your sight for just a second, or they'll do some irreversible damage to your house. Or, in this metaphor, your country.

So, anyway... f**k it... I'm done trying to reason with these people. They think that just by the fact that we elected Barack Obama again, racism is dead in America. But by that same virtue, Alabama voted 73% for Mitt Romney, so... how is this argument supposed to work again?

GOOD-F**KING-BYE.