The Blahvengers

I've been exhausted all week, all because I went to see World Party perform in San Francisco on Wednesday. I bought a t-shirt and ate a whole pizza, so it was pretty awesome. Oh, and the music was good too.

If you live on Earth, you've probably heard a lot of talk about the US 'Fiscal Cliff' recently, but probably don't know what it is. I don't either, and I'm not one to talk about things I don't understand, so you won't be getting any information from me.

HA! I'm just pullin' your leg. Of COURSE I talk about things I don't understand. I'm an American. Anyway, the fiscal cliff is the US's self-imposed deadline to create a budget plan for the next year. If the plan isn't passed, it will almost inevitably trigger a new recession. So, why haven't we gotten a budget passed yet? Well, you have John F**king Boehner to thank for that. Although the Obama administration has given him several possible courses of action, he's laughed them all off.

Enter... THE SUPERCOMMITTEE!!!

Yes, the Supercommittee, whose job it was to create a bipartisan compromise between both Republicans and Democrats. I know, I know--- they were going up against incredible odds. And yes, they failed in a spectacular way that almost guaranteed box-office success.

Anyway, it's probably going to come down to 11:59 on the day of the deadline before they reach a compromise. Kind of sounds like me when I write an essay. Hey... maybe I'd make a good senator!

Bye!

In Brightest Day and Blackest Friday

I looked out my bedroom window a few days ago and noticed that a few of our neighbors were loading up their Mazda with flat panel TVs. Like, five of them. Intrigued, I decided to go have a closer look. But when I went down to the street, I saw a truck full of DVD players and iPads drive by with two dumb hicks screaming out the windows.

I biked into town, and found the streets deserted. Storefronts were smashed open, cars were left abandoned in the middle of the street, and tents were set up in front of Best Buy. I wondered how long I had been asleep, and if the apocalypse had already happened a few weeks ahead of its planned date in December. But no... then I realized.

It wasn't looting. It was just Black Friday, the day when men and women across America flock to their nearest department stores to bash other people's heads in over some $20 blenders. The day when people spend $300 on a camping tent and George Foreman grill just to wait in line to save $50 on a laptop. The magical time of year when nobody thinks twice about running over an elderly woman's toes with a shopping cart just to get to the 75% off Christmas presents.

 
But in all seriousness, if you went out bargain-hunting on Friday and fought off other greed-crazed holiday shoppers, YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE! You're just celebrating the end of a holiday defined by junk to buy junk for another holiday even MORE defined by junk! This kind of ridiculous s**t is what's wrong with America, and I'm not having any more of it.

On a semi-reputable graph on Memebase, I saw that $60 BILLION was spent on Black Friday. So what if, instead of spending it all on discount salad spinners, electrical strips, and digital converters, we sent it all to one 15-year-old in Marin County?

Sorry, did I say greed was BAD? Bye!

The 2013 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Eggo)

Before I get started, no, that's not a typo. I've been asked by a lot of people (and by A LOT, I mean one) why my Car Show coverage is always a year in advance. That's because the cars on exhibit in 2012 are actually 2013 models, 2011 cars are actually 2012 models, and so on. It's odd, I know, but I have to capitulate to their unreasonable market-research tested car names. So, here we go.

Ordinarily, I blog about EVERY SINGLE DAMN CAR COMPANY at the show, but this time, I'm devoting this only to the companies that MATTER. So, without further ado, I give you THE 2013 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (SPONSORED BY EGGO)!!!

CHEVY: Chevy is my favorite automotive company, and also the first on this list. What a coincidence! Basically nothing Chevy does these days will disappoint me, but I have to say: The new Impala looks a little... hmm... Toyota-y. Too toned down, not enough of that Chevy pizzazz everyone loves. However, the Camaro was as awesome as ever.

FORD: Ford is the #1 choice by my parents to replace our old crappy 1994 Isuzu Trooper, and I have to say, their new C-Max is pretty good. I already rode in one a few weeks ago (See my old post 'C-Maxxed Out'), but it was fun to see it alongside all those other cars that don't get very good gas mileage. Rock on, Ford. Rock on.

TOYOTA: The Great Satan's exhibit this year was a piece of crap, as always. Beige cars with cheap plastic cupholders, poorly designed interiors and a truly AWFUL aesthetic design. Death to Toyota. The same goes for its evil subsidiaries, Scion and Lexus

NISSAN: Even worse than Toyota, Nissan has the worst auto lineup since Edsel. The Juke is a joke, the Murano's for morons, and the Quest is... a piece of s**t. Look, I can only come up with so many of these puns. WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME??? Both Nissan and Infiniti can go die in a hole.

CHRYSLER: Chrysler, Dodge, Jeep, Ram, and their new overlord Fiat had a good exhibit this year. I really like the new Dodge Dart, and when it comes to ATV's, Jeep blows everyone else out of the water. Fiat, of course, just had a bunch of 500's out there and expected us to think that different paint jobs are 'cutting-edge'. But I don't care. I'm shocked by Chrysler's epic turnaround. Let's see if they can keep it up.

BMW: BMW was exhibiting their new, more fuel-efficient models, and (let's face it) there's no way this could have gone wrong. BMW makes only one thing: The ultimate driving machine. Have no doubt.

HONDA: I've said it before and I'll say it again: Honda is Toyota, but without all the personality. Sickening.

And that's all that really matters. Of course, there's also Mercedes, Smart, Acura, Land Rover, Jaguar, Lamborghini, Fisker, Coda, Porsche, Mitsubishi, Mazda, Audi, Volkswagen, Subaru, Bentley, Rolls-Royce, Lincoln, GMC, Cadillac, Buick, and Tesla... but who's counting?

Not to mention the awe-inspiring collection of great classic cars at the back of the center. MGs, old Minis, some classic racing cars, and some I had never even heard of before. And that takes EFFORT. Remember, you're talking to the nutjob who has a six-page car logo list that he made himself, and then categorized based on number of times he'd seen them. Yes, I am obsessed.

Bye!

The Nissan Quest-- Truly the pinnacle of human un-gineering.

oosgangwawa

The Big Sleep

It's THAAAAANKSGIVING, meaning that it's time for my entire extended family (all one of them) to get together and have dinner at some odd restaurant in San Francisco. Me, my parents, and my grandpa went to Il Fornaio, an Italian restaurant chain. I had a strange cake-thing filled with rum, coffee, and chocolate, and then I stayed up until three in the morning watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off along with some old episodes of The Big Bang Theory.

You see, every night my parents turn off the WiFi, so I have to come up with new and inventive ways of getting it back on without disrupting their sleep. I've had many a successful mission, but it's a difficult task: Their room is directly across from mine and my mom is a REALLY light sleeper. In the past, I've ended up waiting 20 minutes on our flight of stairs waiting to be sure that they're asleep.

Of course, I only feel comfortable doing this on a weekend, which is why I'm in such a good mood right now. Rule #75 of my 100 Great Truths About School: On Thanksgiving, give thanks for a five-day weekend. And yes, this list does exist. I'll upload it sometime, as long as it doesn't compromise the security of my age group's secrets.


Thanksgiving really is kind of a stupid holiday if you think about it, though. It just represents the ONE day when Native Americans and Europeans DIDN'T kill each other. But I guess that's such a momentous occasion that it had to go down in the history books.

I have a confession to make: I'm writing this in bed, on my laptop, at 11:00, after turning on the WiFi 'illegally'. Wow-- how much more of a stereotypical blogger could I become? But it really is a never-ending quest. I keep coming up with new and inventive ways of turning on that damn switch, and they keep trying to come up with new and inventive ways of stopping me. Hint: Only one of us is ever successful.

A lot of time and effort could be saved if they just left it on all night, but I guess it isn't easy for them to admit defeat. So I'll just have to keep putting on socks, opening the door without it squeaking, crawling commando-style down the stairs, narrowly avoiding the different creaky floorboards that I've learned to watch out for, and at long last turning on my precious, precious internet.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Stay tuned for the 2012 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (Sponsored by Eggo). It twill be awesome!

Bye!

A Falafel Turn of Events

Tuesday is over, and the five-day Thanksgiving break I have has begun. I am in heaven, or I would be if I didn't have to write a script for Drama, read a play for Drama, watch a play for Drama, read a book for English, and memorize a poem for English. Yeah, high school sucks.

The violence in Israel has continued for a week now, and it may be winding down. But personally, I doubt it. In 100 years, people may look back on this as the beginning of some massive war in the Middle East. And I am DONE taking sides.

Seriously. All those damn middle eastern countries are on their own as far as I'm concerned. America may be the world's greatest superpower, but we cannot be expected to be the world's police. If a country wants us to help out with something like a minor ethnic cleansing problem, sure, we'll send aid. But we shouldn't let ourselves be dragged into another World War.

With the exception of Iran, I couldn't care less about the Mideast. They are going to end up blowing each other up over whose imaginary friend is better. It sickens me. People talk about how religion has helped the world grow and expand, as if humanity couldn't have figured that out without it. But wake up, people: Religion has done far more harm than good, and it will continue to do so until someone realizes that this ridiculous crap is not worth killing each other over.


You know, the US has always been on Israel's side this whole time, but I think the time for taking sides is over. The only way we can get both sides to sit down and talk this s**t out without stabbing each other is if neither side feels like the other has a superpower ally to control everything with. And both Israel and Palestine have legitimate beefs. On the one hand, Palestine was just a regular, nonchalant little country until someone said "Oh, actually, you're part of Israel now. And your government, that's gone. And the international community won't even bother helping you as you go for decades without basic human rights."

But Israel... oh, poor, poor little Israel. Are we really going to let ANOTHER bad thing happen to Judaism? You would think that the international community wouldn't have a problem with giving the long-oppressed Jewish people a miniature little strip of land to call their own. But NOOOOOO!

Anyway... I'm done. Not to mention how truly AWFUL both sides are being to each other. It's horrific. If this is the beginning of a new major global conflict, I wouldn't be surprised.

And on that happy note, bye!

PS-- This is my first blog post on my brand-new laptop. Okay, slightly used, but you get the idea. Eighty bucks from some guy at school. AAWWWW YEAHHHH!!!

New Crap II...

Heyo, non-loyal followers! I've made some major changes to the G-Force layout in the hopes of spiking some new hits this month (see my previous post, The Twinkie Defense). I added a calendar for those of you who don't know what day it is, some fish (OH MY GOD FISH), and of course, a new header!

Yep, it's almost 2013, and you all know what that means! Well, actually, you probably don't. But it means it's time to unveil my new, hand-drawn title for G-Force! Check this baby out!

Yes, it's pretty parkour. The Soviet Russia-style letterhead, the Official Vertco Seal of Approval, the flattering drawings of me and my cat, P-nut... it all works. At least, until 2014, when I'll get bored with THIS one and draw another. Maybe I'll do the next one in color... nah, too much effort.

In the background, you can see assorted crap from my junk drawer, or as I call it, DISTRICT NINE. Yeah, that's right. There's a lot of secrets in District Nine. There's a bunch of assorted aviators, a rubber chicken, a lava lamp, a knife concealed inside a refrigerator magnet (don't ask), a jumbo-size whoopee cushion, an Olmec Indian mask, a few dozen broken watches, and some masking tape. 

So, that's it for now. Check back in about a year. Then again, if the world ends in 2012, I won't be blogging again any time soon. Still, that's a nice suit I'm wearing in the picture. And if anyone wants to give me feedback, positive, negative, or otherwise, please say something in the comments... which have been going unused for quite some time now.

Bye!

Flight

2012 is looking like the year of serious and thoughtful movies. Then again, we did have Abraham Lincoln Vampire Hunter, Ted, and the unfortunately titled Seeking a Friend for the End of the World. But this year has also given us Chronicle, The Dark Knight Rises, Looper, Skyfall, Argo, and now Flight, a wonderfully clever film from Denzel Washington and director Robert Zemeckis.

Flight is the highly-altered account of Sully Sullenberger's heroic plane landing on the Hudson River. And the similarities stop there. Yes, the pilot lands a plane heroically, but literally everything else is changed. Pilot Whip Whitaker has just another normal day flying a routine flight while higher than the f**king plane is. He does a few lines of cocaine, drinks a couple six-packs of Bud, and has a little Vodka on the plane itself. You know, pilot stuff.

The plane begins to fall apart, and Whitaker saves the flight by flying the damn thing upside-down and clipping the steeple off of a church. Thank God he didn't hit anything important. But after the crash, blood tests show an alcohol level of .24, with .08 being the legal DRIVING average, let alone flying. Using a clever lawyer (Don Cheadle) and a drug dealer (John Goodman), Whitaker denies everything in order to keep himself out of prison for the four lives he failed to save.


Personally, I expected a movie with a little more intrigue. Maybe the pilot could have been framed or something... but since the thing wasn't a true story in any sense of the word, it had no set plot to adhere to. And so we were treated to almost two whole hours of this drunk-ass pilot trying to get his s**t together.

It's a lot more interesting than it sounds. Whitaker really has a drinking problem, and possibly the most gut-wrenching scene in the film is when he absolutely can't bear to refuse a Vodka from a mini-bar, and ends up consuming basically the entire thing. He goes to an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting, but that doesn't work out so well. It all builds up to the final scene, where he has to testify in front of an FAA committee and lie about his alcohol intake.

Final score for Flight? 8/10 stars. Although it wasn't the movie I was looking forward to, it was still a good chunk of filmmaking to tide us over to The Hobbit, Django Unchained, and (how could I forget) DIE HARD FIVE. I can't f**king wait.

Bye!

The Twinkie Defense

G-Force has suffered a real hit this week. After our biggest month ever (October, with 831 hits) we now have November, which is shaping up to be our worst month ever. It's the 17th and we've only had 280 so far. So just refresh this page a few dozen times, just to help me out a little. I don't sell ad space, so I have to make money by advertising right in the posts. Remember that whole blog about Chik-fil-a? Yeah, that's right. Eighty bucks, right there. Not to mention the yearly SF Car Show, which was sponsored by Red Bull last year. This year, Eggo outbid them by 25 cents and is my official sponsor. Expect my 2013 Car Show lineup in about a week!

I can't spend all my time talking about my blog's nonexistent revenue, so here's a real news story for you: No, I'm not talking about Israel and Hamas having a good old-fashioned surface-to-air missile fight. And no, I'm not talking about General David Petraeus' affair(s). It's funny-- He's part of the secret service. So couldn't he at least be secretive about getting serviced?

But no, I'm talking about a catastrophe much larger than any of those things. Something that will rock the very foundations of America and all that it stands for. A disaster so hideous that no family in the western hemisphere will be safe. I'm talking, of course, about Twinkies.


Yes, these artificially-flavored butter-grease cream filled lumps o' goodness are officially OFF THE SHELVES, as the Hostess corporation has finally thrown in the towel amidst labor disputes. It filed Chapter 11 for bankruptcy this week, meaning that these beautifully crafted pastry cakes lovingly jammed full of Yellow Dye #5 will never be seen again. Unless, of course, someone finds one of them within the next fifty years. They'll still be fresh.

Not only will Twinkies be gone, but so will their comrades in arms: Snowballs, Ho-Hos, Hostess Cupcakes... all confined to the dustbin of American pastry history. And until someone opens a pastry museum, these poor little things will never see the light of day again.

A sad, sad day for us all. Goodbye.

Sexual Predator Drone

Hey, peeps. I've had a vicious cold for the past few days, so I haven't blogged. I mostly lay in bed watching old Futurama episodes. Yeah, I'm getting a little obsessed. And if you don't like it, BITE MY SHINY METAL ASS!

Of course, I told my friends that I went to Sweden this weekend for four days, where I discovered that those geniuses at Ikea had developed a machine that travels through time. Hmm... I wish there was a shorter way of saying that. Anyway, I told them that I went back in time and tried to kill Hitler, but hit the wrong date and killed Kennedy instead. Whoops.

MEANWHILE... IN ACTUAL NEWS... There's a big scandal floating around that General Petraeus has been having an affair with the woman who wrote a biography about him. That's fan fiction gone BAD. And if you know what fan fiction is, then you know how bad it gets... I'm getting off track here. Petraeus has had to resign from his post as director of the CIA to 'spend more time with his family'. Translation: He has some serious explaining to do, and it's going to take him a while.


Maybe I could have found a better visual aid there. He looks like he's doing Gangnam Style. AH, CRAP, now it's stuck in my head again. Op, op, op, op, oppa Gangnam Style! AAAARGH, it's infectious...

So, it's been a rocky re-entry for the Obama administration so far, but it's going far worse on the other side of the aisle. The Republicans are still foaming at their mouths over the CRUSHING defeat they suffered last Tuesday at the hands of The Great Campaigner. And according to some studies, this is an indication of a national trend, which shows that the whole country has begun to lean further and further to the left. Eventually, the GOP will die out.

And I'm happy. I won't miss them at all... at all...

Okay, I'll be honest. I NEED the GOP. Without them, who will I devote entire blog posts to? Who will make those lovably moronic statements like the classic "Rarely is the question asked, is our children learning?" Or maybe "I believe that human being and fish can coexist peacefully." It's absolutely classic. I swear, I tear up whenever I hear that.

So, will the GOP begin to revert back to its original mission of fiscal responsibility, or will it eventually eat itself? I hope it's not the latter. As much as these guys piss me off, it would be even WORSE if I had nobody to argue with.

Bye!

Skyfail

I just got back from seeing Skyfall, the latest Bond movie, with my friends Calvin, Luke, Mike, Justin, Connor, Luis, Kevin, Steven, Steven's German cousin...

It'll go quicker if I list the people who DIDN'T go. Anyway, I'm not blogging to talk about the peeps, I'm blogging to talk about the first movie I've seen in theaters while I'm 15. Bond's latest outing was, unfortunately, just as disappointing as the other two movies with Daniel Craig as the leading man himself. My big problem with Craig is that he doesn't bring any of the charm or humor that Sean Connery did, and the movies with him have reflected that in their crushing seriousness.

The first 10 or 20 minutes of Skyfall are fantastic, featuring a great chase scene that ends in Bond being accidentally shot by one of MI6's own agents. He falls off a bridge into a river and is not seen or heard from again. Of course, 007 never dies (which is the basic plot of 1967's 'You Only Live Twice'), and he resurfaces when a terrorist threatens to blow the cover of five agents a week until he gets what he wants.

The movie's biggest plot flaw was that we never find out what he wants. It turns out that he's a guy from M's past who wants revenge for... something... and he blows things up and says one-liners in stereotypical Bond fashion. But OH MY GOD, he was the absolute WORST James Bond villain to date. It wasn't Javier Bardem's fault, but the guy (for some inexplicable reason) was... like... bisexual. I am not kidding. There's a scene where he starts rubbing Bond's thighs. I'm not the kind of guy who calls things 'gay' as an insult, but it was totally gay.


The theme music by Adele stank, but that's probably because she didn't write the lyrics herself. The ending was terrible, and featured the most disappointing final action sequence ever. Apparently, 'Skyfall' refers to Bond's childhood home, and we get to see the inside of his old manor in Scotland. It's way, waaaaaaaay less cool than it sounds.

So, final score for Skyfall? 5/10 stars. This movie was bad, cold, unfeeling, and occasionally really boring. But hey, apparently the other two Daniel Craig 007 movies were good, and I didn't like THEM. So go and see it, maybe you'll see something in it that I didn't.

Bye!

A Veritable Republicane

My birthday is tomorrow, just putting that out there. I hope some of my less-intelligent friends can refrain from telling everyone that they should sing the stupid birthday song. You see, my school is really spirited (which frustrates me), and they have their own birthday song which is ten times longer than the original. It's exhausting. So people, I don't want any big celebration tomorrow. Just presents. Lots and lots of presents.

My biggest and best birthday gift this year was, of course, Obama's re-election. I went out of my way to turn fate for the Democrats last night-- I saw a shooting star and wished for Obama's second term, and I turned back when a black cat walked across the road. Call me superstitious, but in an election year, every little bit helps.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are playing the blame game for who is responsible for Romney's loss. It'll be a few months before they stop, and their first victim is Chris Christie, New Jersey's governor and the guy who recently came out and commended the president for his efforts in the hurricane relief. I've hated Christie for a while, but, like Herman Cain, he seems to have redeemed himself. He's reached across party lines for the good of his state, which is something you rarely see these days. Kudos, Christie.


Right... anyhow, the Republicans aren't happy with what he said, and thought that he should have also commended Romney for his efforts in hurricane relief. And he probably would have, if he had done anything. Then again, Romney isn't necessarily in a position of power to try and help out. And we'll fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

It looks as if my initial prediction was wrong: The hurricane actually helped Obama win. Now, you may have noticed that I haven't covered the hurricane so much, seeing as I'm an awesome rockin' Californian who's three hours behind you peons on the east coast. But I have no idea how to donate to the Red Cross via texting or whatever. I have not a clue how it works. You'd think that I, being an almost-15-year-old Californian, would have at least a mediocre grasp of technology, but no. So, people? Donate to the Red Cross via... something. That's all I got.

Bye!

Election Night, Part VI

A more fitting end to this campaign couldn't have been imagined. Romney has given his official concession speech after much deliberation and stalling, and it was just what I should have expected. I WANTED him to flip out and start crying, but no--- He acted almost relieved. It was like he had realized that he had no idea how to run a country, and he wanted it all to be over so he could go to bed.

Meanwhile, the Tea Party wing of the Republicans has cost them several Senate seats, leaving the majority still in the hands of the Democrats. The only victories for the Republicans tonight were the gubernatorial and representative races, which both ended in hefty Republican majorities. But you'll be pleased to hear that Todd Akin lost in a landslide after his 'legitimate rape' comments. I'm overjoyed.

There are probably a lot of Republicans who will start lambasting Romney for being too liberal, and decide to swing even FURTHER to the crazy right-wing. But that's not the case: As old, dumpy white guys from the south begin to either die out or stop voting, the Republicans will need to appeal to a broader group of people. Instead of trying to win over bible-toting, meth-cooking, trailer-living, gun-stockpiling, grit-eating, sodsucking, unshaven wife-beater wearing hicks from Alabama, they need to be more moderate. Instead, they need to win over the Prius-driving, ironic glasses-wearing, coffee-drinking, sushi-eating, laptop-using hipster west-coast techie liberals from Washington. It won't be easy, because they've identified themselves so far as the party of the previous persuasion, but in 100 years I wouldn't be surprised if the Republican party had an entirely different identity (or just didn't exist).


Oh, God, I'm so glad he isn't president. Just so f**king glad...

But until the Republicans can figure out what to do with themselves, it's going to be a rough few years. Even decades, if the right splits into two separate parties. Democrats, meanwhile, are more united than ever. Technically, I identify myself as a Democrat, but I would really love it if there were actually two valid choices between candidates. It would be great. But so far, I have rooted for the best candidate in every election, and it has consistently been a Democrat.

Obama's about to give his acceptance speech, but I don't care. I'm not staying up much longer anyway, and I can only imagine how bad the east coasters are feeling right now. It's 1:30 in the morning... Jesus H. Christ. Heyyy... what if the 'H' in Jesus' name stood for 'Hussein'? And while we're at it, has anyone seen Jesus' birth certificate? Noooooo!

All I can say is that I'm blown away, vindicated, and happily impressed with the American public. Some faith in humanity has been restored.

Bye!

Election Night, Part V

California has reported, and BIG SHOCK, we cast all 55 of our electoral votes for Obama. Obama has also won Hawaii, Washington state, and Wisconsin, meaning that he now leads 257-202. Obama now only needs Florida and Ohio to win an easy 290 electoral votes. He also leads in Colorado and Nevada, and has a good chance of re-taking a lead in Virginia.

I am not going to bed before Mitt F**king Romney concedes. I want to see him cry as he realizes that his ploy to take over our country didn't work. But I hate having to blog about this live, because I always fall behind. So much new data is coming in, I can't keep track of it all.

BREAKING NEWS!!! CNN has now called Ohio for Obama, meaning that he has won re-election. Suck on summa that, Romney. But CNN has been wrong before (cough, cough, 2000). I am confident in Florida as well, meaning that Romney's semi-substantial lead in Virginia means absolutely zilch.

This means that all that worrying, all that campaigning, all that commercial... ing... was for absolutely nothing. And it wasn't close. It was a whipping. Romney just got his ass handed to him on one of his family's silver platters. I can't wait for the footage of his wife's 'Couple of Cadillacs' being repossessed, and his dog taken into intensive treatment care for trauma.

I am floating on air. Just when you think humanity sucks, they do something like this. And just for that, Ohio, you are bumped 10 slots down on my list of crappiest states. Props to you.

Bye!

Election Night, Part IV

The race is still tight, but Obama's closing the gap. If he can win both Ohio and Florida (which he is on track to), he will almost definitely win the election. New Hampshire has finally given in and cast all four of its stupid electoral votes for Obama, and Nevada and Iowa look like they're going the president's way.

Meanwhile, Romney won Utah (big whoop) and is on track to win Montana, the stupidest state in the union. And again, although it looks like Romney is winning more STATES, the race is neck-and-neck in a rough 10-point spread. But Romney needs a 55+ electoral vote advantage to discount California's awesome, Republican-crushing power in every election.

I'm getting tired of having stupid election map graphics for my blog, so here's a picture of the God damn Batman:


The election is as close as it comes. But just you wait, Republicans. Your big lead has already had its chance. All the major Republican states have already been counted: Texas, Georgia, Louisiana, and the Northwest. Now it's time for some good old-fashioned West-Coast style badassery. Oregon, Washington, and California still need to vote, and the 47 electoral votes from Florida and Ohio that are leaning towards Obama still haven't been counted. I want Romney to be beaten into the ground.

Until 8:00, bye!

Election Night, Part III

I'll get right to the point: Romney is in the lead, but don't despair: The crushing blow that California always delivers to any election hasn't been tabulated yet. 55-yeah, FIFTY-F**KING-FIVE electoral votes. There's a reason why about 10% of the US population lives here. We're awesome.

Wyoming, the Dakotas, and all those crappy little red states have voted, meaning the map is now overflowing with red. But remember, Wyoming has the same number of votes as Rhode Island. The election map by population is far more intuitive:


You may remember this graphic from my previous posts. But this isn't an absolute: Romney looks like he might take Virginia and North Carolina. But the two biggest prizes tonight are Florida and Ohio, and Obama leads by a good amount of votes in both of them. Also, Romney has lost Massachusetts and Michigan, two blue states that he had a good chance of winning.

I never thought I'd say this, but I have faith in the people of Ohio. If any Ohioan happens to read this blog tonight, I'm counting on you: You can do this. Don't allow some plutocratic robot from a company-crushing machine step all over you. Show this asshole what America does to hypocrites.

Until 7:00, I'm watching more election results alternating with episodes of Futurama. It's a great god damn show. And for those of you who are still undecided, click THIS link.

Bye! (Until seven!)

Election Night, Part II

The results are pouring in for several states, and Obama is maintaining a slight lead over Romney with a 64-40 split of the votes. Of course, that's CNN's 'projection', so it could be anything from 0-104 for either candidate.

My personal electoral projections (which, unlike most other projections I make, I use math in) call the east coast race with Obama on top, but losing Virginia. Ohio and Florida will most likely go to Obama, with Romney taking all the stupid southern states. Factoring in that data, and the assumption that Obama wins California and Romney wins Texas, the race is now at 127 for Romney, 207 for Obama. That also factors in the assumptions that Obama takes New York and Illinois, where the race isn't even CLOSE.


This is Karl Rove's electoral map prediction, so it is almost undoubtedly wrong. But as polls continue to close, this race seems tighter than it ever should have been. The real irony is that, even with this map, Romney doesn't come out on top even after winning both Virginias, Florida, Nevada, Colorado, and leaving Ohio a toss-up.

But the real news as of right now is that no one knows what the F**K is going on. Florida has a slight Romney lead with only 54% of the vote counted. The amazing thing about CNN is that they actually call states with about 4% of the precincts reporting. It's amazing. I mean, sure, I just made a ton of calls for Obama and Romney, but does anyone REALLY think that Obama might lose California?

I love living here. Bye! At least... for about an hour.