HalloWHAT THE HELL, WHO FARTED?

Monday is the famous holiday that plays off of our inerrant fear of squash. Halloween is here, and that means we are now engaging in random acts of utter insanity at Ben's house. Luis and Cody are here, and they are literally farting their asses off. It's about 1:40 right now, and the craziness is still going strong. Luis showed up three hours late, so we naturally chucked stuff at him from the balcony, like water balloons and plastic bags.

Then we watched Captain America (again). It's even cornier the third time. And then I went on a completely pointless Minecraft spree and started killing every Creeper, Zombie, Spider, Skeleton, Ghast, Slime, Silverfish, Zombie Pigman, Spider Jockey... the list goes on.

Anyway, I took a break from the action to tell the world some of the most horrific news ever: A Fart of Darkness has been perpetrated.

As you may recall from my previous post, Encyclopedia Brifarttica, the Fart of Darkness is one of the worst possible farts to be perpetrated. So: Read Encyclopedia Brifarttica, and discover the many kinds of extreme flatulence.

Hmmm... X-Treme Flatulence... sounds like a sport. Cody would win the gold.

Bye!

<< The Jack-o-Lantern in Minecraft.

Encyclopedia Brifarttica: The Encyclopedia of Flatulence

Prepare yourself for the epic list of Cody and Luis's enormous farts. For some reason, they fart 80 times more at Ben's house, but I don't care about any mitigating circumstances. This is on the web forever.

Type #1: Drill Fart. Usually perpetrated by Luis, this fart does not always smell. It is highly recognizable for its sound, which resembles a battery-powered drill being bored through a chunk of metal.

Type #2: Silent but Crudly. Always perpetrated by Cody, these farts can reach up to 18 feet away, and smell so bad that I have sprayed Axe spray-on deodorant in the air TO MAKE IT SMELL BETTER.

Type #3: Rolling Thunder. Highly explosive, carcinogenic if inhaled. However, like most Luis farts, this fart has no smell. These are catalogued under 'Loud but Live-ly' the opposite of silent but deadly. Sound is highly similar to Drill Fart, but not as intense.

Type #4: Fart of Darkness. Perpetrator: unknown. This fart was first catalogued in the gym locker room (in my opinion, the smelliest place on earth). It has the capability to latch on to the nasal cavity of its victims and bore their brains full of holes from the inside. See my previous post, Fart of Darkness, for the description of my encounter with this rare, disgusting type of flatulence.

Type #5: Nuclear Flatulation. Signified by an atom bomb exiting the perpetrator's pants. This is, by far, the most embarrassing kind of fart to deploy.

Type #6: Anal Belch. Usually mistaken initially for a burp, this fart smells like a mix between rubber cement and coca-cola. It has the evil advantage of being able to exit from either end.

Type #7: Smart Fart. This fart flies out in missile form, seeking a victim to strike on. Once it locks on to the nostrils of a person, it flies inside and detonates in the nasal cavity. Not a good thing.

Type #8: Heat-Seeking Flatulence. Like the Smart Fart, but can cause much more damage once inside the head.

Type #9: Bowel Demon: Just nasty. Pure nasty. It can shatter windows and scare livestock for an eighteen mile radius.

Type # 10: Rusty Foghorn. This fart resembles (as you may have guessed from its name) a rusty foghorn being blown at night. It's smell ranks at roughly a 5.5 on the fartster scale.

Type # 11: Little Squeaker. This is one of the more embarrassing farts to perpetrate. It makes a high-pitched squeaking noise that can cause serious damage to the victim's eardrum. It usually does not smell.

Type # 12: Mystery Fart. This is a thing that seems to appear out of thin air. It never is perpetrated by anyone, and the culprit cannot be found. These are the farts that usually are decided using the 'Whoever Smelt it Dealt it' ruling by the supreme court in 1997, which specifically stated that Smelt it had defeated Dealt it in this landmark case.

So there you have it. I'll make some additions if I have to, but I'm confident that every fart on Earth can be classified into one of those twelve categories.

Bye!

Above is the famous logo for the Nuclear Flatulation.

Fart of Darkness

'Sup, loyal-esque followers! As you probably can see, I've made a few changes to the layout of this blog, which I think you'll like. The new typeface for the title is AWESOME. The orange also goes well with the Vertco Fall Lineup Sneak Peek picture I put up! But that's not the subject of today's post. Today's post is about something much more serious.

THE FART OF DARKNESS. About two weeks ago I was changing into my PE clothes in the locker room when something hit me that has changed and warped me for the rest of my life.

A fart. A deadly fart. The phrase 'Silent But Deadly' doesn't even BEGIN to cover how bad this thing smelled. I rolled on the floor, gagging, as I watched people around me dropping like flies, trying to breathe but unable to. I dragged my way through the room, my nostrils bleeding to death, and rolled towards an air vent. I reached it, pulled away the screen, and took a dozen huge gulps of air. I then ran back into the smog, holding my breath, and dragged several of my friends over to the door, where they stayed in a state of shock.

Of course, it's impossible to find the culprit. No sane man would EVER admit to that. Here's a pic:

This is the fart after it reached San Francisco. I can only imagine what kind of terror and havoc it wreaked before rising up into the ozone layer and dissipating.

Sayonara, Capybara!

Ich Bin Ein Zombie

I'm writing this blog from my friend's house, where we're having another sleepover. As you may have already guessed, this means that a CERTAIN person is being very flatulent. As you may remember from previous blogs, this means that the entire house has been turned into a gas chamber. That's why I've brought my gas mask.

Somehow he's immune to them. I don't know how. They smell like... like...

You know, I won't even TRY to describe them.

Right now we're all taking turns playing Nazi Zombies, but there's something that's much more important than that.

I finally won a game.

AND it was free-for-all. I don't know HOW I did it. Sometimes I'm so awesome, it scares even me.

Bye!