New Crap III

Well, it's that time of year again... when I start screwing around with my blog's layout. Yes, yet again I have altered the title of my blog. This time, I included three characters from three respective stories I've been working on, Hysteria, California, and The Bloodstained Lion. From left to right, the characters are Lou Phoenix, Nate California, and Bloodstain Joe. I know... this makes literally no sense to those of you who stumbled across this blog randomly. Actually, it probably doesn't make any sense even to those of you who do, because I haven't told anyone about this shit. So here's the rundown of my new title, if you care.

Lou Phoenix is the main character in Hysteria, a black comedy about high school. He has a heart problem (you can see the heart monitor in his hand) and an increasingly bad life, but maintains his positive outlook on things. As you may have guessed, a lot of hilarious moments from Drake High School have made it into this story. Eventually, Lou starts a movement called Phoenix Rising to overthrow his school... but no spoilers.

Nate California is the main character in California (no shit). He's an Iraq war veteran who has the uncanny ability to switch off his moral compass at the snap of a finger, a skill he gained from witnessing the horrors of war, as well as a terrible experience in the desert that he refuses to talk about. After returning home, he uncovers a sinister plot in the government that no one, not even his most trusted friend Alex believes. The story is told from Alex's point of view after the fact, just to make it seem more like a fable than an actual event. Also, lots of boom booms happen.

Bloodstain Joe is the main character in the Galaxy Trilogy (The Bloodstained Lion, Infinite Empire, and Heart of the Sun), a sci-fi epic that I'm currently working on the screenplay for and trying my best not to accidentally steal anything from Star Wars with. And trust me... it's hard. I got around it by setting the story 2,000 years from now, so there are references to past events that we would understand, plus a soundtrack that includes Sympathy for the Devil and House of the Rising Sun. In the background of the title, you can see spaceship designs I was working on for the trilogy hovering over an alien world.

And in the interest of preserving history, here's the previous title (Nov 2012 - March 2014):



Aaaah... I've come so far. Looking back, drawings like these are as bad as it gets. No shading, no contours of the fabric on clothing, cartoony hair... what was I thinking? Of course, I'll probably be thinking this same thing when I take down the title I just put up, but hey, that's what happens.

As a side note, I was only able to do this new title because the past two days at school were taken up by the CAHSEE (CAlifornia High School Exit Exam), which is probably the easiest test I've ever taken in my entire life. Seriously... one of the questions was "Which of the following numbers is closest to zero: 2, 3, 4, or 5?" Really? Are you kidding me, people? If this is all I need to know to graduate high school, you should have graduated me in 7th grade. And no, I will not post the answers I got on here like I have in the past, because if you seriously need my help to answer questions like this... you have failed life.

Bye!

Plane Wrong

Well, let's try to keep this blog going. There's a lot of news stories I have to catch up on from my long-ass hiatus from blogging, but the most pressing is clearly my school debates. This past week, my school had a series of debates for our Disease Project. The concept is that each group of three or four people is assigned a disease, and then debates against other groups about which disease should get an imaginary half a billion dollars in funding. As you can imagine, this usually leads to the worst diseases winning the debates. My disease? A little thing called the common cold.

Anyway, long story short, I paved a path of wreckage and destruction through the debates, beating influenza (lol it's the same as the cold), Polio, AIDS, and Cystic Fibrosis... only to lose to f*cking Sickle Cell Anemia in the final round. Still though... the common cold over AIDS? Damn. During the debates, you can stand up and yell "POINT OF INFORMATION!" to interrupt the speaker, so here's a few of my favorite points to counter what the speaker was saying.

• "If that's your data, then I question your research skills."
• "Contrary to what you just stated, Africa is NOT a country."
• "Your logic is inherently flawed."
• "I don't know... FDR got along fine, and he had Polio."

It was fun on a bun. Unfortunately, I've made some enemies now, because some people don't like being yelled at in front of the class. Ah, well. Them's the breaks.

Anyway, time for some legitimate news stories... namely, an entire plane full of people has gone missing somewhere in southeast Asia, and nobody has the slightest clue as to where it possibly went. Malaysia Airlines, the company that owns the plane, went from saying "It's probably terrorists" to "It's probably a systems malfunction" to "Aliens. Definitely aliens" to "Ehhh, f*ck it." So as you can probably guess, the families of the passengers aren't too pleased.

Only a few things are possible here. First we thought a terrorist group might have hijacked the plane, but usually terrorist organizations take responsibility for things like this because... you know... they're terrorists. They cause terror. Then we thought it might have been a malfunction, but apparently the GPS and radar systems on the plane were turned off manually. Now there are all sorts of conspiracy theories shooting around, ranging from the plane landing on the water and being towed by a boat to some remote location to the plane meeting up with another plane in midair, flying tandem to avoid sonar detection, and landing in some undisclosed location. Who knows? Personally, my theory is that the plane was equipped with some kind of new warp drive that tore a hole in the space-time continuum and sucked it into an alternate universe.

    << The most plausible theory yet.

Or maybe the plane's engine came off, traveled through a wormhole, and landed in the suburban home of Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe some kid predicted that the plane would explode moments before takeoff. Or maybe I should stop making vague references to obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Just a thought.

I think it's clear that Malaysia Airlines needs to extend their search to encompass the entire solar system (and maybe all of space-time as well while they're at it), but really there are way too many possibilities to cover here. What if the plane traveled back in time to cause 9/11? What if it was sucked into wherever all the missing socks end up? Or has it gone into the mystical realm where King Tut's penis ended up? Don't worry... I won't bring THAT tired old series back. But I will say this: If aliens did abduct that plane and the History Channel guy was right all along... I have to rethink my life.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode III: Drone.com

My school is just incredibly surreal. It's pretty bad. Literally, every day I get out of bed now and say to myself "Okay, there's no way life could get any weirder." And then I go to school... and somehow it does. I have had to put up with a militant PE teacher who insists on calling frisbees 'discs' and has an 'integrity fetish', a mentally challenged poetry 'consultant' who spent a whole class showing us unbelievably horrible videos like THIS one, a math teacher who sends people to the office for asking questions, and a science teacher with absolutely no social skills whatsoever. Not to mention the students, who have had long conversations about dead babies, personalized bongs, murder, insanity, and some of the most perverse shit known to man. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take this before I lose my mind. Thank God for winter break... but first I have to put up with finals.

The good news is, my maps went over well at school. And that's a good thing, because if they hadn't, I would have set the field on fire. They took me 18 hours, and by the end I was seeing cross-eyed and had a splitting headache. I literally had an out-of-body experience where I watched the entire room dissolve into dust, then spin down a whirlpool. I think I need to get some sleep.

But sadly I can't sleep well tonight, because Amazon.com has just announced a program for package delivery via drone. So I'm a little afraid that my recent order of five DVDs could get mixed up, and result in me being firebombed in my sleep. But this could actually be a really positive development: Obama can now trade Amazon some drones in exchange for a working website! OOOH! PRESIDENTIAL BUUUUURN!!!



Oh, he's got such a good sense of humor about these things.

This is just another example of how modern technology is passing the postal service by. I mean, Amazon has drones, and the USPS has only just now started delivering packages via catapult. Ridiculous. But honestly, does this not seem a little suspiciously reminiscent of The Terminator? I mean, who's to say that SkyNet won't take these drones over when it gains sentience, and use them as kamikaze fighters that blow up your house? I mean, they already know where you live...

Isn't technology awful? It's just... separating us... and all interpersonal relationships will soon be gone. It's so sad OH MY GOD I'M SOUNDING LIKE MY ENGLISH TEACHER. Shit! I need to go home and rethink my life...

Bye!

Don We Now Our Alternative Lifestyle Apparel

Good evening, everybody! Well, my blogging schedule has been disrupted by schoolwork yet again, and this time it's because of three hand-drawn maps for History, a 10-page essay, a math test, and a poem I have to memorize... not to mention that finals is next week. I'd slit my wrists, but I'm afraid I'd get blood all over these beautiful maps I've drawn. I'll upload pictures of them sometime, but let's just say that I had fun. I enjoy drawing maps, and it helps that this project is on a subject I actually care about: Film. So it's not as bad as it could be. For instance, I could be writing about Algebra...

Anyway, it's CHRISTMASTIME!!! So get ready for a lot of butthurt Catholics to scream bloody f**king murder about a fictional war on Christmas. Also, avoid malls for the next month unless you enjoy getting stuck in gridlock traffic and being trampled to death by angry shoppers, all while listening to the most obnoxious music known to man. I try to avoid other people during this time of year, especially psychotic religious fanatics who think that you're a communist if you don't have a Christmas tree. But also because of shit like this:

You may have noticed the conspicuous lack of a certain word here. Apparently, Hallmark (the company that made this atrocity) didn't think the word "gay" applied in this context, as gays usually have good taste in clothes, and wouldn't be caught dead in this genocide of a sweater. At least, I wish the explanation was that simple. Actually, Hallmark didn't think that anyone would want to walk around with the word GAY plastered across their chest. But they made one fatal mistake: They thought that people would actually buy a sweater this ugly, regardless of the shit written on it. And this brings me to yet another reason why I hate Christmas: Bad sweaters.

But really, the whole logic behind this decision is flawed. When you see this sweater, you notice that it doesn't have the word "gay" on it, and that puts the word in your head. That's the WHOLE POINT of saying a word: Putting it in someone's head. So even if it doesn't say "gay," it implies it. And to the gays who are pissed off about this: Who cares? Do you really want to be associated, even incorrectly, with something this disgusting? Jesus Christ, what kind of a sick maniac would BUY something like that? Aaaaaargh...

At the risk of sounding like an asshole, this is a perfect argument for a national fashion police: To hunt down people who wear these things, tranquilize them, and remove them from the larger population. Same thing goes for guys who wear polo shirts. And ironic glasses. And skinny jeans. And fedoras. And "Save the Rainforests" t-shirts... actually, I'll make this simple: HIPSTERS MUST DIE.

Bye!

Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Futbol Americano

So here's a thing-- My high school, Drake High, is about three blocks away from a semi-high-end strip mall called Red Hill, and during lunch, students walk over there to buy food (because let's face it, cafeteria food is toxic). But apparently, this is a problem, as you can see from THIS actual news report. For those of you who don't feel like following that link because it's a waste of your time-- and trust me, it is-- it's a story that some asshat over at Kron-4 did about students jaywalking on the way back from lunch. There are so, so, SO many things wrong with this... where to begin?

Firstly, nobody at my school calls Drake "The Drake." Strike one. Secondly, he brings up the 'fact' that dyslexic drivers might misread the speed limit signs as 52 instead of 25. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! Why would they be driving if that were the case? Why is that remotely relevant to the subject at hand? Is he just TRYING to make the situation seem more dangerous than it actually is, all for the purpose of maligning teenagers? Undoubtedly. Strike two. And thirdly-- Why did he have to get the five biggest assholes from my school on video? I mean, seriously... a lot of the people in that video are dumbasses... but I don't think any of them are dumb enough to "Play chicken with 4-ton cars" as the video asserts. Not like he has any of that on tape to prove it... sure, why not just make shit up? I could do that! Hell, Kron-4, hire me to do your lame-ass segments! I could be a bitchy, whiny tattletale like this guy as well, and I could report on things that ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VALUE IN THE WORLD!

The amazing thing is, this moron and pretty much every living human on Earth has jaywalked at least once in their lives, and it's not a big thing. Nobody dashes across the street while cars are coming-- the point of jaywalking is to take the advantage of a gap in the traffic and cross when nobody's around. Except, apparently, some asshole with a video camera and a grade-school education. At least, I HOPE he only has a grade-school education... if he had gone to high school or college, he could have gotten a job that actually contributes something to humanity. Like flipping burgers at a McDonald's.

Anyway, this is just one out of many, many things that have been pissing me off to no end recently, the least of which is another in a long line of NFL incidents. So let's continue my long-running segment...



Yeah, football is being retarded again. WHAT A SHOCK! Miami Dolphins linebackquarterbacker (who gives a f**k about the terminology) was suspended recently after he incessantly led the locker room torment of a fellow player. That player complained, and all hell has broken loose now, with football junkies complaining about how the player should have manned up and dealt with it. So, my opinion on this? Well, I'm just going to assume that you all see this coming...

BAN FOOTBALL. Seriously, how is this shit still legal? I couldn't care less about the players, because it's their own God damn fault for getting involved in this moronic 'sport,' but I do have a problem with how it dumbs down all of America. I mean, sure, bash your heads in, but don't make everyone else dumber in the process. The fact that people exist who think that there was some kind of problem with what the player did, and that Incognito was fully justified, makes me sick to my stomach. This sport is a f**king cancerous tumor in America.

Phew... I really needed to vent my anger on that one. But yeah, this retarded masculinity contest pretty much serves the public in the same way the gladiators of ancient Rome did: Distracting the public from the things that ACTUALLY MATTER. I am sick to death of people shooting each other in parking lots, flinging beers at each other, and trashing entire cities over whose group of meatheaded sacks of shit is better than the other. Jesus Christ. It's fine if you watch this crap casually (or as a way to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders), but if you only like this as a way to live your demented fantasies about masculinity vicariously, please do us all a favor and seek professional help.

Bye!

Not Another Hurricane

My blogging routine has been somewhat sparse as of late, but I have a valid excuse-- my school is absolutely hectic. There's a new project every week, and I can barely begin to keep up. And it doesn't help that my group members, although funny, are often absolutely incapable of buckling down and working. In my new group, one guy spent a whole 90-minute period drawing penises on Microsoft Paint while I built our whole website. And in the last project we did (a report on a country that was chosen for us at random), it was no better. We had to keep a journal that was written from first-person, and described what daily life would be like in our country (Afghanistan), written from the point of view of a Kabul native. Here's a few choice selections from my group member's journal entries. Now, bear in mind: These were written very crudely, so any translation errors are not my fault. But I think I've pretty much conveyed the message (if any) behind them. Take a look:

• "There is to many suicide bomers in afghanistan we need to cleanse the entire country of these horrid taliban theyh ave to stop attakking us and let us build a better country for the people so we can finally have peace in tuis country and stop being the playground of war"
• "This is very good in my eyes the more womans rights the better and more womens rights expand the closer we are coming to becoming a country of peace"
• "this is ecxiting to me we are going to get the things we need for football i feel this is empowering as to say there football leader was proud to be in afghanistan in my country im going to go play right now"

Great stuff. Powerful and emotional. And before you say "Hey, this is mean, he may have a mental disability," three things: Firstly, although he is absolutely insane, he is no vegetable. Secondly, I didn't mention his name. And thirdly, he told me to put these on my blog (which he reads). So I'd like to take this chance to give a big shout-out to my former group member, just in case he reads this! Sir! You are the philosopher king! So many questions remain unanswered, o wise one! Such as... why did you not capitalize Afghanistan? What is the meaning of the word "ecxiting?" Why is there no punctuation at the end of your sentences to signify the conclusion of a phrase? Oh, I'm sure that scholars will debate this for ages!

Wow, this went on way too long. But I really needed to vent about this... and it's also pretty hilarious. Seriously, I could eat a bucket of Scrabble tiles and crap out a sentence more coherent than these. 

But in other news, there's a hurricane that just hit the Philippines (it took me way too long to figure out how to spell that correctly), and here's a big news flash for everyone: THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES ARE REALLY, REALLY SHITTY! So my class is having a drive to raise $2,000 to help the people there, and unlike most things my school sponsors, I actually think I might contribute to this. So I'm going to pitch in fifty bucks, partly because I'd feel guilty not doing it when I just got approximately one buttload of money for my birthday, and also because... y'know... it might save someone's f**king life.

   << Also, this.

Interestingly enough, the only country in the world that isn't represented at least occasionally in Miss World pageants is Vatican City (which, thinking back, I should have guessed). But amazingly, there's been Miss Iran, Miss Uzbekistan, and even Miss North Korea. Anyway, now that I've guaranteed a lot of traffic for my blog, I'll leave this story behind. But people-- send some money to The Philippines (this time it only took me three tries to spell correctly!). And don't send it through some anonymous, faceless donor that will probably pocket a lot of that cash for personal gain... like Vertco. 

Oh, and as a follow-up to last post's story-- Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been declared "Mayor in Name Only" by the council of The Illuminati Toronto. So no, crime doesn't even pay in Canada, proving once again that moving to Canada is a bad idea. But before this blog post turns into the 1,001 reasons why I will never move to Canada (I don't know if I could fit them all into that few), I shall sign off. 

Bye!

B.S.A.T.

Wow, what a week. I don't even know where to start. First, I had to take four hours out of my Saturday morning to get up at 6:00, walk over to my school, and take a Pre-SAT test--- AND IT WAS VOLUNTARY. Seriously, I don't know why I said I would take this, but I did, and I paid the price for it. Fortunately, it was incredibly easy, and it doesn't matter on my grade, as it's a voluntary test. And most of that four-hour period was spent bubbling in answers for shit like "What is your home address," which apparently they couldn't have me just WRITE OUT, so they had me bubble in 17 letters for it. What really grates me is when they ask for your student ID card. What do they think is going on? Are people sneaking in off the street to take a test? OH SHIT, SON. I bet that's an epidemic. Once again, school, you have wasted my time and accomplished nothing in the process. Good job.

Then I had my yearly classic Halloween sleepover at my friend Benny's house, and (as always) there were a lot of epic moments, involving parkour tag, a gallon of milk, six bags of Doritos, a bagel, a hedgehog with a hat on it, a "Slow children playing" sign, and a game called Cards Against Humanity. It's a long, long, LOOOOOOOONG story and I don't want to get into it. All I can say is... I'm scarred for life, both mentally and physically. In other words, it was a success. 8/10, a seriously underrated party in my opinion.

But here's an interesting turn of events: Remember the couple who crashed the a party at the White House a few years ago? Well, since then, the woman has divorced her husband and gone off to marry Neal Schon, the lead guitarist for Journey. Why do I care, you ask? Well, Neal Schon lives just up the street from me on a hill-- in fact, not to sound like Sarah Palin, but I can practically see his house from my backyard. He drives around in his Lamborghini and it's awesome. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, he's going to marry that party-crasher in December, so my mom (being the liberal she is) wants to crash the wedding in order to give her a taste of her own medicine.



Yeah, I figured you guys would like that idea. Anyway, things are heatin' up over here in Marin County. I really hope that my parents have the guts to go through with this one, because if we crash this party, it'll be awesome. Free food as far as the eye can see, plus Journey performing? Awesome! I'll get to throw food at them, just like I've always wanted to after having to listen to "Don't Stop Believing" for the 9,001st time! Seriously, WHY DOES EVERY SINGLE BASEBALL TEAM USE THAT AS THEIR ANTHEM? JESUS!

If we do this, it will live forever as an epic and unforgettable moment in my life. Because you might be able to attend parties throughout your life, but it's not every day that you attend one in which security throws your dad out for trying to touch Neal Schon's guitar. Anyway, if there's anyone else out there who is a raging Democrat and wants to make this woman butthurt, our lines are open! My mom wants as many people crashing this thing as possible, and I highly doubt that nobody else out there has come up with this idea yet. So drop in on the Palace of Fine Arts in San Francisco on December 15th! Eat as much food as you possibly can before getting thrown out, thus running up the bill and pissing this obnoxious rich songwriter and his dumb soon-to-be-wife off.

See you there!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part III: Prism Schism

Hey, guess what I'm typing this on? Two guesses. No, not my dinky iPod screen. And no, not my parent's computer either. Yes, good readers, I am writing you from my brand-new HP laptop, a marvel of human engineering. Why watch 24 on your iPhone when you can watch it in high-definition on a 15-inch screen? Yeah, I couldn't think of a reason either.

I'm pretty satisfied with life right now. Finals are over, and my Geometry and Science tests were in fact far easier than I thought they would be. School's out, and I can now look forward to 10 whole weeks of doing what I do best: NOTHING PRODUCTIVE WHATSOEVER. Except summer reading. And community service. And the 'summer engagement project', in which I have to find something that inspires me and create a project around it. The catch: Some of it has to be outdoors, and I just got a laptop, so... yeah. That probably won't work out.

But I can't take a total break from news in order to talk about my BRAND NEW FRIGGIN' AWESOME LAPTOP, so it's time to talk about boring shit. Yep, the f**kin' whistle blowers are at it again. According to my best sources (meaning John Oliver and Steven Colbert), there is a secret government program that records everything you ever do. Called Prism, this supercomputer sifts through billions of phone call records, emails, and text messages every day in order to find links to terrorist groups. Seems innocuous enough? Let me break it down for you.

I now give you... a situation that can actually happen in America today. A terrorist needs to call his local Toyota dealership in order to purchase a car for use as a bomb. Instead, he dials the wrong number, and calls your home. Prism records this call, and when the Toyota salesman who is secretly a CIA agent busts his ass, you are sent to Guantanamo with him. Totally possible; I am not using any hyperbole here at all. Or sarcasm.



Or, of course, the upside is that if you ever need to remember that website you visited that one time back in 2009, just speak loudly and clearly into your new Xbox One, and I'm sure that some helpful soul at the NSA will get right on it.

So what does this mean for America? That the psychopaths who wore tinfoil hats and yelled "THE GOVERNMENT!!!" in the streets were right? Of course not. What it DOES mean is that most Americans are perfectly fine with having their personal freedoms stripped away in favor of decreasing the chances that the next time they get on a plane, five guys with AKs will bring it down. For most, it's a difficult decision. For me, not so much. I choose FREEDOM!!!! Life's no fun without the off-chance that you'll get blow up tomorrow, right?

That was sarcasm, for those of you unschooled in the fine art of reading comprehension. But believe me, this is not a slippery slope. Sure, we're monitoring phone calls, but guns go unchecked to this day. Guess which one Republican legislators support.

Bye!

I Don't Give

It's the end of the school year (in two days), so I'm going to start a little tradition here at G-Force. I know that most of my readership is comprised of either family members or friends (or people from Finland), but I would like to devote this blog post to my peeps at school-- who probably haven't ever read a single paragraph of this blog. But nonetheless, I'm going to go through the TOP TEN MOST MEMORABLE MOMENTS OF THE 2013 SCHOOL YEAR!!! And for those of you who don't go to Drake High School, I will provide explanations for why these things were so damn funny. Here we go.

10) "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE A MINORITY IN AMERICA!!!" Yeah, this takes some explanation. One day, a Sophomore in my class wore a Redskins sweater to school, prompting our Drama teacher to go on a half-hour rant about how "YOU WOULDN'T SUPPORT A FOOTBALL TEAM CALLED THE N*****S!!!" And yes, he actually said the N word in class. I kid you not. Our teachers are very passionate people.

9) CALVIN GETS HIT BY A CAR: Surprisingly, when my friend Calvin was hit by a car, it wasn't his fault. He was just crossing the street when an old woman ran him over. He then stood up, ripped off her rear-view mirror, and threw it on the ground. It gets better: Apparently she didn't have insurance, but instead offered him free acupuncture at her clinic. He is going to sue her as soon as he gets me a free acupuncture session. Whoop-dee-f**kin'-doo.

8) DOCTOR HEINZ VANHOUSIN: After being cast as a psychotic German scientist in a 10-minute play, I reprised the role for my next one... and hopefully every play I have to do next year. It isn't so impressive over the internet, but I do a pretty good German accent.

7) "LINE 'EM UP AND WHAMMO! BATTING PRACTICE!" This was my History teacher's completely sane description of the Rape of Nanking, in which Japanese soldiers lined up Chinese peasants and smashed their heads open with baseball bats. It hasn't been proven per se, but as always, we teach the controversy.

6) RELIGIOUS DEBATES: After I found out that my friend Luke was a Protestant butthole, I realized that for the first time in my life, I had the chance to have intelligent religious debates with someone. Instead, we yelled at each other all year, finally culminating in me stuffing a fossil in his face and yelling "THERE! FOSSIL!" Also, when he asked me and Calvin where you go when you die, Calvin so eloquently said "Uh... the ground. Duh."

5) SOUL MAN: Me, Calvin, Connor, Luke, Bing, and Oscar enacted a Blues Brothers dance routine for our PE class. While all the other groups did shitty 'country western' or 'interpretive' dances, we got up FULLY SUITED UP and pwned the entire school. If you want to see the epic video, click HERE.

4) "THINK OF IT LIKE A TRAIN!" This was my math teacher's pneumonic device to get us to remember the Transitive Property of Equality. And it still doesn't make any sense. Good thing it's not on the final. She also coined the phrase "Random stuff just comes out of my mouth... I dunno," and "Graham, I'm a horrible artist, come up and draw this on the board."



I like trains.

3) "HAVEN'T YOU EVER HAD A BAD DAY AND THEN GONE HOME TO DUMP ALL OVER YOUR MOTHER?!?!" Yep, this needs explaining also. We were reading The Catcher in the Rye in English class, and our English teacher was having us enact little skits where we pretend to have mental problems (like Holden Caulfield apparently did). One of the ones given out was projection, which means to have a bad thing happen to you and then take it out on someone else. We didn't quite understand that, and so our English teacher offered up this fantastic description. Of course, that's not what it sounded like to us...

2) "APPLES ARE RED... EXCEPT WHEN THEY'RE NOT." Actually, this is for our entire Food Project, but this quote deserves to be taught across the nation. If you want to see how the entire project went, just scroll down to see the post entitled Food Project 2013 and watch it. It's funny as crap. And you get to see Calvin trying to pronounce the phrase 'DIY'. Also, our Science teacher came to our dinner. He's the guy that coined...

1) "I DON'T GIVE!" Yes, the number one slot here is taken by my Science teacher's funniest quote of all time. He was yelling at my friend Luke, who then tried to justify himself... leading to this. You can tell that he was going to follow it up with "A SHIT" or something, but didn't quite go for the gusto, leaving us with I Don't Give, the funniest quote, moment, or story from my entire school year.

That's all I got. If you've read this blog post, you might as well have actually gone to my school for the past year. This is all that was important. Oh yeah... and that 'learning' stuff... HA!

Bye!

Putting the Mental in Governmental: Part II: The Walls Have Ears

I am taking a break from excruciating finals studying to blog here, so... you're welcome. I am making a page of notes for Science, writing my poem for English, studying for my Spanish test, and doing a giant-ass packet for Math. So yeah, I need some time to let off some steam.

My poem is actually pretty damn good. It's about a wall in the middle of the desert, and it's all... existential... or whatever... with symbolism... and stuff. English teachers eat that kind of stuff up, right? Here's the finale I'm considering for it:

The setting sun slips through a crack

The darkness consumes all

And lo, I cannot give a crap

About this giant f**king wall

I probably won't use that, though. Not precisely the best way to finish off a year of English class. But fortunately for you, I won't bore you to death with the details of my abysmal poetry. Because for the first time in two weeks, there's been an interesting news story! Last week, Edward Snowdon, a government employee, released a series of over 200,000 documents that basically say that the NSA is spying on everything we do. So, this leaves one question:

Didn't we already know this?

Seriously, what the f**k? I thought that ever since the Simpsons Movie, people knew that the government has been listening in on every phone conversation you have. It's been this way since the passing of The Patriot Act. So why the hell is this big news? OHHH... I GET IT... It's because back THEN it was BUSH, and NOW it's OBAMA! It all makes sense!

To be serious, that's the only reason why anybody cares. These are the same people who wanted to see Obama's birth certificate, need to know 'the truth' about Benghazi, and think Iron Man is putting listening devices in their homes. Translation: They are absolutely, unequivocally, F**K NUTS. I cannot be kind about this. Anybody who thinks that the government is competent enough to pull off such a monumental cover-up is clearly delusional. I'm super cereal here, guys.

Anyway... yeah, the NSA listens to everything you do. I didn't care in 2007 and I don't care now in 2013. I have nothing to hide. If you seriously (or cereally) think that some poor soul in a darkened room in the Pentagon is pouring over every correspondence you've ever had, you are gravely misinformed. If that were true, they would seppuku themselves after endless hours of funny cat pics.

No, what the government USUALLY does is either compile phone records to use in a criminal case or search E-mails for the phrases "White House", "bomb", and "President". 

OH SHIT-- I JUST USED THE ILLEGAL WORDS. I CAN HEAR THE HELICOPTERS OUTSIDE MY HOUSE. THEY'RE COMING FOR ME. PAY HEED, PEOPLE-- THEY'RE PROBABLY GONNA STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND CUT OPEN MY CHEST-- AND IT'S ALL LEGAL UNDER OBAMACARE!!! WHY DID I VOTE FOR OBAMA??? WHYYYYYYYYYYYY...

Bye!

Finals Destination

I am totally done with society. The last two weeks of school have been ridiculous. I turned in my Food Video, took five tests in two days, retook a Spanish test twice, took ANOTHER Spanish test, wrote an epic poem that I now have to memorize, and... I'm out. I am totally done with school. And it's not a good time for that, because finals are this week. F**k.

It's not that I'm bad at taking tests, but I get nervous over shit like this, I will admit. I used Finals Calculator.com to ascertain that I need As on my History, English, Drama, and Science finals, as well as an 88% on my Geometry final in order to not BRING DISHONAH UPON MY FAMIRY! But holy crap, man... there has to be a better way. I've spent all of today studying my ass off while taking five-minute breaks for, you know, eating, sleeping, going to the bathroom... the little stuff.

I don't know what to say.... this blog post probably seems really friggin' weird, seeing as I'm tired, overcrammed, and the heat is baking my brain. I could always to a steam of consiousness blog [post but thats goinag to arealu fuasd uap how well yoau roansd undesartand what im trying to saysdfawfhc

KUMQUATS!!!

Okay, I'm back. Seriously, my brain is fried. There has to be a better way to evaluate people in school than to give them seven tests, each of which counts for 20% of their final grade, in four days. Why does this even exist...

Time for my FINALS HAIKU!

I am really f**ked

Where did the semester go?

F**k f**k f**k f**k f**k

Hopefully I will be able to return to my regularly scheduled blogging regimen by the end of the week, but I wouldn't count on it if I were you. I will probably pass out after Thursday night, not to mention the epic sleepover scheduled for Friday... that'll be interesting. 

Also, my beautiful new laptop is expected to arrive by the 18th, so that will probably get me back in the swing of things. Untilal thena, expeca tah more blaod gposts like thias one, acomete with asdpelling aers andaf barin sacells taht have ben torn asunder.

Bey!

Food Project 2013

I'm having a productive weekend. I've officially memorized my lines for Hamlet, I ordered my new laptop (and no, I'm not getting a cheap-ass one this time), we bought a microphone to accompany my piano playing, and I finished editing the video for my Food Project! So yes, it was a good day.

Anyway, in order to give myself a fail-safe, in addition to bringing the video to school on a flash drive, I'm uploading it to this blog. I recommend watching it as long as your computer can handle enormous log-jamming files. It's got that 'home movie' quality, but I think I did a pretty good job with the video editing.

This is the first time I've used the video feature on Blogger since they changed their layout, so I might have to go through a few test runs to get this right... but here's hoping. No news or insightful investigative reporting on this blog post; this is solely for school. Watch this epic video, though. It's pretty parkour.

Bye!

Store Wars

I'm having a jam-packed week. I spent Saturday night over at the house of some family friends in Bodega Bay with my parents, and it was amazing. They have season five of Breaking Bad. I was in heaven. We also had long and thoughtful conversations, but... BREAKING BAD. It's the best friggin's show of all time. We have to cook, Jesse.

Anyway, then on Sunday I assembled the people in my group for the final battle of the Food Project for my school. We made apple scones, apple pies, apple salads, apple-stuffed pork loins, apple soup, and a quasi-apple fritter dish that resembled apples crammed into a really thick pancake. Some foods were more successful than others. As you remember, we invited our science teacher to come to dinner. He's an interesting guy, and goes only by the name 'Doc'. The party don't start until Doc shows up.

So now I'm getting into editing the video for the Food Project, and it's pretty funny. There's a good hour of footage of the four of us dicking around in Safeway, wearing Thrift Shop clothes and riding on carts. Then of course there's the actual food preparation, which features Calvin's insightful apple fact, "Apples are red. Except when they're not." It's good shit.

I'm pretty bemused by the news right now (HA, bemused by the news... it rhymes...), seeing as the 100 Best Memes of 2012 have just been released, with Gangnam Style taking #1, and other great memes like Socially Awkward Penguin, Binders Full of Women, and Bad Luck Brian coming in close. But I think a new meme is out. I don't know how the people of the internet will spin this one, but it's pretty friggin' funny.

You see, the G8 summit is being held in Ireland this year, but after the economic collapse of 2008, Ireland has been like Europe's Detroit. In other words, holding a big economic conference in a city filled with condemned buildings, decrepit factories, and run-down pubs isn't really sending the strongest message. So in order to bring back some of that old Ireland-y spirit, they've started plastering up pictures of bustling storefronts over brick walls. It's part of my new series...


IRELAND: Seriously, are you f**king kidding me?

I'm essentially the ultimate European, with lineage tracing back to France, England, Iceland, Poland, Austria, NOT GERMANY, and (you guessed it) Ireland. So I have absolutely no problem with saying the following. Ireland, this is pathetic. However, this is also one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. I've always said that the Protestants and Catholics in Ireland need to stop killing each other and start putting a little more effort into their country's aesthetic design.

In other news, Michelle Bachmann is bowing out of Congress next year, so there's a job opening in Minnesota for a psychotic woman with dead eyeballs who likes blaming mental retardation on preventative vaccines. Bachmann was, of course, one of the most extreme, anti-liberal, homophobic politicians in recent memory. The people of Minnesota have been so appalled by her disgusting rhetoric that they've re-elected her to Congress four times.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode II: Attack of the Drones

I performed my skit today for my class, and it was pretty damn good. I yelled in a German accent as my stage persona (Dr. Heinz Vanhousin) and was forced to sing a spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about monoculture farms and apple GMOs. You can only imagine the witty one-liners we coined with this. Things like "An apple a day keeps the DOCTOR AWAAY!!!" and "I vill be ze invincible apple baron of ze WORLD!" Shakespearian, I know.

Also, I have more cause to celebrate, because G-Force just passed 16,000 hits, now averaging 500 hits a month. For a blog with no ad content, no funding, no employees, no reporting, no investigative journalism, no aesthetic design, and probably plagiarized images that could lead to copyright infringement lawsuits, that's pretty damn good. Did I mention that this is also written by a 15-year old?

That's all gonna change, though. I'm outsourcing the writing of these blog posts to a guy in Mumbai who will read all my former blog posts, then write his best guess at the insightful commentary that I would make and that you've all grown accustomed to. Big time saver for me, I know.

Speaking of insightful commentary, here's a news story just BEGGING to be made fun of. For the first time since the beginning of the drone program, the government has taken full responsibility for accidentally killing someone. The catch? The people killed were four Americans.

      

Yeah, I didn't make that graphic. In retrospect, it was stupid of me to assume that no one else would think of this pun.

Anyway, Eric Holder announced today that the government was taking responsibility for the strikes, and Obama himself declared that drone strikes would be 'limited' now. Well, s**t. After countless civilians in Afghanistan are mercilessly bombed with hellfire and brimstone from the sky, the thing that makes the government do an about face on the issue is the deaths of four AMERICANS? HA! It would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

And what exactly do they mean by 'limit'? This drone program was the first blatantly militaristic army ego-trip that I could really GET BEHIND, and now they're 'limiting' it? I mean, say what you will about drones and their accuracy, but normally no more civilians are killed in a drone strike than in a typical foot soldier attack. The only difference is that one situation doesn't put Americans in the line of fire.

I suppose that, like with the A-Bomb before them, the drones have rendered the whole "Sending your army to fight another army to see whose is better" thing kind of quaint. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. And think about the number of combat-ready soldiers we have already! I can't wait to see the army admissions forms in a few years!

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED BATTLEFIELD 4?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2?

YES___   NO___

If you answered yes to any of the questions, congratulations! Here's your assignment number and joystick. You start tomorrow.

Bye!

OKLAHOMA!

I have a skit to perform tomorrow in front of my entire 108-person class (divided into four houses, of course), so I'm not in a fantastic mood. I once again play a mad German scientist, so yes, I'm being typecast in the 9th grade. However, my friend Calvin plays a mentally deficient apple-human-fish hybrid with a speech impediment. It's the role he was born to play.

But there's some big f**kin' news right now. And it's turning the world upside-down. Cats are chasing dogs. My Isuzu Trooper is getting good gas milage. People are remembering their PIN numbers without looking them up. Rush Limbaugh is making intelligent arguments. CONGRESS IS GETTING THINGS DONE!!! And it's all because this week... and I can't believe the words are coming out of my mouth... SOMETHING HAPPENED IN OKLAHOMA.

You see, for nearly 100 years, the sleepy little state has been a very model of boredom. In 1982, a tumbleweed rolled through the town of Tulsa, prompting locals to exit their saloons, stop their cattle roundups, and postpone their daily gunfights in order to stare at the miraculous occurrence. This is what passes for news in Oklahoma.

But this week, the pointless and dreary state was struck by a series of tornadoes, destroying homes and laying waste to fields. It took Oklahomans a whole 24 hours to notice the difference. Anyway, this means that Oklahoma has now put an end to its 77-year run of having absolutely nothing happen. So instead of focus on the chaos and misery that is Oklahoma today, I will devote this blog to the chaos and misery that was Oklahoma for the past 200 years.

In the 1800s, settlers drove Native Americans from their ancestral homes and confined them to a fate worse than death: LIVING IN OKLAHOMA. There, they lived for decades in peace until the US finally said "Actually, we want the whole thing" and took Oklahoma over as well. This was regarded one of the most massive blunders the US has ever perpetrated.



^^ The lush and varied landscape of Oklahoma.

Since then, the state has lived through the three D's of Oklahoma: Droughts, Dustbowls, and Depressions. By 1935, every resident of the battered state had either died of starvation or moved to California. To cover up this fact, the government tried to let the state proceed normally despite not having a single person living in it. In 1936, Oklahoma was represented in Congress by a broken stool and a rusty tractor frame. 1938 saw the unanimous election of Governor Clothesline.

Fortunately, the government was able to slowly rehabilitate Oklahoma by forcing even more unfortunate people to live in it. Although the state remains one of the driest in the union, idealistic young Oklahomans dream of one day constructing the state's first puddle, and then... who knows? A whole lake? The sky's the limit.

But all kidding aside (okay, maybe not ALL kidding), I sometimes wonder why people choose to live in places that actively try to kill them. How could you live in a place when you know that at any minute, an enormous whirlwind might suck up everything you've ever held dear? It's probably just my ignorant Californian attitude, seeing as I live in a place where an earthquake could kill you at any minute.

I suppose that the only way to keep these things from happening is to live in giant metal hamster balls that just roll around during a natural disaster. Woah... that's actually a great idea. All I have to do is build the prototype. Also, if I want to sell any in America, it had better have WiFi.

Bye!

Unacceptable

If anyone wants to see an epic Minecraft server, type 76.126.62.94 into your Minecraft direct connect bar and PREPARE TO BE AMAZED! My friend Benny and I made this world, he supplied the technical knowledge and the amazing craftsmanship, I supplied the enormous Leekar head. There's a bunch of warps set up to my beautiful lighthouse, walled city, and desert town (yay, Cactus!)... anyway, none of this will make an ounce of sense to you if you don't play the amazing game that is Minecraft. So go download it right now, it'll take you only a few seconds. It's good s**t.

This week at my school is 'Acceptance Week.' Yeah, I know, it sounds absolutely moronic. Monday was 'Self-Acceptance Day', Tuesday was 'Disability Acceptance Day', Wednesday was 'Cultural Acceptance Day', and today was 'LGBT Acceptance Day.' So no, this is not fun whatsoever. In fact, most of this week has been all about me putting up with the dumbest s**t of my life.

Not to say that I don't support any of these causes (although Self-Acceptance Day is idiotic), but my school has set up some sort of culture where the slightest disparaging comment is treated as 'unproductive' and 'wrong-minded.' This week has been all about anti-bullying, but what they don't get is that friends can call each other names without it being 'bullying.' I even hate the WORD. Bullying. I choke on my tongue whenever I say it.
Graham Vert
I've been called an asshole, jackass, dipwad, moron, and God damn f**k s**t son of a bitch at school, and you don't see me complaining. That's partly because I can dish it out plenty as well, but also because I'm pretty thick-skinned. But just because a few people have gone to drastic measures (and committed suicide) we've all had to sit through this week.

See... this kind of crap... it pisses me off.

There hasn't been a serious case of bullying at my school for years, but for some reason, people still think it's a problem. You hear stories about Columbine and other school shootings, and the media will say that EVERY HIGH SCHOOL IN THE COUNTRY IS A BREEDING GROUND FOR DISILLUSIONED LONERS WHO WANT TO KILL EVERYBODY!!! AAAAAHHH!!! But as someone who actually GOES to high school every day, I can assure you that that's not the case. In reality, I've never seen something that I would call 'bullying' in my life. EVER. Chew on that for a while.

They even had us write down our own 'Personal Weaknesses', or things about ourselves that we don't like. Then they looped all the pieces of paper into chains and strung them around the tree in the courtyard. It's friggin' awful. All I wrote was "Sorry I couldn't think of anything. Good luck with your... accepting... whatever." I wish I could have been left out of this... F**K...

There are so many other things about this week I'd love to get into... the crappy motivational posters, the asinine pep talks... the vows of silence... all that ridiculous bulls**t. But I'd like to focus on Cultural Acceptance Day (or as sane people call it, Wednesday). Yesterday, people came to school dressed up in costumes denoting their culture. I actually thought about wearing a beret and waving a white flag while yelling "OUI OUI OUI! UN BAGUETTE! WE SURRENDAIR!" But I couldn't find a store that will sell chain-smoking cigarettes to minors. Anyway, some Israeli and Palestinian students were flown in from the Middle East to play ultimate frisbee.

Yeah, that's right-- ULTIMATE FRISBEE. Apparently, the two historically polarized ethnic groups have finally put aside their differences for a game of frisbee. I would have played, but I was a little nervous that s**t would start blowing up. However, I did get to yell at a German exchange student for invading France. So that was a plus.

Altogether, this has been a thoroughly unproductive and frustrating week for me. I would like to thank the Ross Valley School System and its infinite wisdom for making this all possible. Until next time the school board pisses me off, bye!