The 2012 G-Force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Six: Error-izona

Before I start off this post, I would like everyone to know: I made a massive miscalculation when I called Arizona prematurely for Ron Paul. Just because Arizona has its share of old, white, racist people does NOT mean that they would ever vote for Ron Paul. I apologize.

Anyway, Michigan and Arizona have both been converted to Romneyism (a religion that states that no one should have a definitive stance on anything), meaning that this is at least a setback for Rick Santorum, and at most a foreshadowing of the coming Super Tuesday primaries. If Romney bags enough states, he could win the election instantly.

Meanwhile, Rick Santorum (Google his name!), the candidate who looks like he was transformed into a real boy three days ago, made a remark even stupider than some of his previous statements. Now, appreciate the effort this takes: He has, in the past, said that he would re-instate Don't Ask, Don't Tell, that gay marriage is a step away from "Man-on-dog", and used a napkin as a metaphor for traditional marriage. So here we go... expect something stupid.

"President Obama wants everyone in America to go to college. What a snob". This guy is a massive asshole. Never MIND that nearly EVERY SINGLE F***ING AMERICAN wants to go to college, and wants their KIDS to go to college. Just... just... wow. Just wow.

So, what will the rest of the race look like? My best guess is that, eventually, Newt Gingrich will be the next one to drop out. He has only won one state. Now, using that kind of logic, it would seem like Ron Paul would be the next one to drop out, but he's too old and psychotic to know what he's doing.

Obama is the luckiest guy on the planet. He has been blessed with the weakest field of contenders in the history of the Republican Party. They have a flip-flopping, out of touch dickhead whose wife owns "A couple of Cadillacs". They have a crazy old coot who has even crazier people supporting him. They have a sweater-vested, gay-bashing, misogynistic, isolationist brown-shirt whose name is synonymous with **** *****. And they have a disgraced speaker of the house whose ego is so big that his head could be used as an emergency flotation device.

This is going to be SO EPIC.

Bye!

The Grahammies!

Well, it's that time of year: Time to announce the awards for the Grahammies, my own personal awards for achievement in film! If you want to bone up on the nominees, click HERE for my post about The Artist and my personal Best Picture nominees! And the awards are:

For Best Director, we have...

Duncan Jones, for Source Code. Neil Burger, for Limitless. Jonathan Levine, for 50/50. Brett Ratner, for Tower Heist. And Greg Mottola for Paul. And the Grahammy goes to...

DUNCAN JONES, FOR SOURCE CODE! GIVE IT UP! WHOOOOOOO!!!! Note: Duncan Jones also directed the indie sci-fi thriller Moon. Rent it. NOW.

For Best Actress, we have...

Berenice Bejo, for The Artist. Marion Cotillard, for Contagion. Michelle Monaghan, for Source Code. Tea Leoni, for Tower Heist. And Zoe Saldana, for Colombiana. And the Grahammy goes to...

MICHELLE MONAGHAN, FOR SOURCE CODE! AWWWW YEAAAAAA!!! Michelle Monaghan was also in Eagle Eye, one of the Best Movies Ever®.

For Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, for Twilight. Frieda Pinto, for Planet of the Apes. Penelope Cruz, for Pirates of the Caribbean: On Stranger Tides. Blake Lively for Green Lantern. And Rosie Huntington-Whitley for Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

ROSIE HUNTINGTON-WHITLEY, FOR DARK OF THE MOON! Fun fact: This is the first year since 2009 that Kristen Stewart has not won Worst Actress. It's unbelievable-- three years in a ROW!

For Best Actor, we have...

Jake Gyllenhall, for Source Code. Simon Pegg, for Paul. Zach Galifanakis, for The Hangover: Part II. Eddie Murphy, for Tower Heist. And Joseph Gordon-Levitt, for 50/50. And the Grahammy goes to...

JOSEPH GORDON-LEVITT, FOR 50/50!!! STEP ON UP!!! 50/50 is an epic movie, and Joe here was also in Inception, winner of my 2010 Best Visual Effects.

For Best Supporting Actor, we have...

Seth Rogen, for 50/50. Nick Frost, for Paul. Harrison Ford, for Cowboys and Aliens. Jeremy Renner, for Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol. And Andy Serkis, for Planet of the Apes. And the Grahammy goes to...

SETH ROGEN, FOR 50/50!!! LIKE A BOSS!!! Seth Rogen was also in Paul, Knocked Up, and Superbad, for those of you who want to see more movies with him.

For Worst Actor, we have...

Nicolas Cage, for Season of the Witch and Drive Angry. James Franco, for Planet of the Apes. Daniel Radcliffe, for Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Daniel Craig, for Cowboys and Aliens. And Shia Lebouf for Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

JAMES FRANCO! YES, JAMES FRANCO, who gives yet another one of his trademark deadpan performances in Rise of the Planet of the Apes, the most mediocre film of the year.

For Best Original Screenplay, we have...

Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist. And the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY!!! You know, I love how I'm announcing these like anyone gives a crap. Or like I didn't already know the winners when I made the list. Whatever.

For Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2. And the Grahammy goes to...

MISSION IMPOSSIBLE: GHOST PROTOCOL! BEAST MODE!!! Yes, Ghost Protocol beats out The Hangover: Part II for Best Sequel. I know I'll be getting both fan mail and hate mail for that one.

For Best Visual Effects, we have...

Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Transformers: Dark of the Moon. And the Grahammy goes to...

PAUL, FOR ITS AMAZING ALIEN ANIMATION TECHNIQUE!!! BOSS SAUCE!!! YESSS!!!

Really, if this blog post is getting old for you, just read re-runs. I don't blame you. But anyway, now for the moment(s) we've all been waiting for... THE BEST AND WORST MOVIES OF THE YEAR!!!

For Worst Picture, the nominees are...

Green Lantern, Transformers: Dark of the Moon, Harry Potter: Part 7: Part 2, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo. And the Grahammy award for worst movie of all of 2011 goes to...

HUGO! YES, FOR ITS TERRIBLE PLOT, RECYCLED STORYLINE, AND ACTING SO BAD I COULD CRAP MY PANTS!!! YES!!! GIVE IT UP!!! APPRECIATE THE PURE BADNESS IT TAKES TO BEAT OUT GREEN LANTERN!!! YESSSSSS!!!

Now, before I continue, I would like you to know: This was my hardest decision. There were so many good movies this year, I just couldn't fit them all in. So, without further ado...

For Best Picture, the nominees are...

Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul. I gave three of these movies 100% on my page on Rotten Tomatoes. This is really intense, but the Grahammy goes to...

SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! SOURCE CODE!!! MY PERSONAL THIRD-FAVORITE MOVIE OF ALL TIME!!! EPIC WIN!!! EPIC!!!

Anyway, if you didn't enjoy the show, you can get your tickets refunded somewhere. All you have to do is print this page off, drive over to California, and tell me so (try and find me! Mwahahahahahaha!!!)

Bye!

<<< The winner, in all its glory.

Linsanity!

Hello, fellow Jeremy Lin fans! I was linitially going to do another Star Wars spoof post, but then was linspired by the past few Colbert Report episodes to comment on Jeremy Lin, basketball's latest linner. In just a few short days, Lin has risen to linfamy by making linpossible shot after linpossible shot in lincredibly lintense moments during Knicks games. He is becoming lincreasingly famous after just a few short bouts with stardom.

Jeremy Lin is also linraging some people, who think his lincredible rise is too good to be true, and that he will slowly peter out as enemy players figure out his techniques. He is even starring in a new linimated movie that has linpressed hundreds of critics.

It's called 'The Lincredibles'. It's about a family of basketball players who, against lincredible odds, get one last chance at redemption. I, personally, don't know why I haven't received a linvitation to linterview Jeremy Lin about his seemingly linpossible rise to fame. After all, I AM a pretty linfamous blogger. But no matter how linpressive Jeremy Lin gets, there will always be linposters and poseurs trying to linitate him.

Lintil next time, bye!

Oh, and by the way, linterally every sentence in this post has the word 'Lin' in it.

The Artist & Best Picture Noms

I finally saw The Artist, partly because my mom pressured me into it and partly because it has 97% on Rotten Tomatoes. I really have a hard time reviewing this movie, mainly because it is so different from movies like Source Code or Raiders of the Lost Ark that I can't begin to draw the comparison. But out of all the Best Picture nominees for 2011, The Artist wins. I can't imagine a scenario where it doesn't win Best Picture.

Let's start this review off by saying that, if I were comparing this to my personal top 10 favorite movies, I would be writing a very different review. It barely even comes close to the pure awesomeness of certain other movies which shall remain nameless. That said, this was pretty f'n good. It's not easy to write a script that can be understood with no speaking, but the writers of The Artist hit the nail right on the head.

My main problems with this movie, unfortunately, can't be overlooked. First off, it is SHAMELESSLY derivative. It has virtually the same plot as countless other movies, from 'A Star is Born' to 'Singing in the Rain'. By the way, if these movies ever get boring for you, watch Mel Brooks's 'Silent Movie'.

Secondarily, the whole movie was supposed to be a silent film, but it completely betrayed that intention when they finally started talking at the end. It wrecked the authenticity of the entire thing. I understand the whole point of the change into a 'Talkie', but I wish they could have done it some other way.

Fortunately, it (mostly) makes up for its faults with its benefits, those being spot-on performances and a few truly intense moments. Also, it has a dog.

So: Final score for The Artist? Well, against the other Best Picture nominees, it would merit 10/10. Really, what's it going up against? Hugo? Please. But, like I said, if I were to weigh it against other movies (a-hem, The Hangover), it would not do nearly as well.

Moving on to the other Best Picture nominees-- I've only seen three of them, The Artist, Hugo, and Moneyball. And really, they're the only ones worth seeing; Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close has no chance, seeing as it has only 46% on Rotten Tomatoes. And The Descendants is not in it to win it, it's only there for George Clooney to take a shot at Best Actor.

But the awards aren't over yet: Stay tuned for my personal awards, The Grahammies! The categories are:

Best Picture: Source Code, Limitless, 50/50, Super 8, and Paul.

Worst Picture: Green Lantern, Dark of the Moon, Deathly Hallows: Part II, Cowboys and Aliens, and Hugo.

Best Visual Effects: Rise of the Planet of the Apes, Paul, Green Lantern, Cowboys and Aliens, and Dark of the Moon.

Best Sequel: The Hangover Part II, Ghost Protocol, Dark of the Moon, On Stranger Tides, and Deathly Hallows: Part II

Best Original Screenplay: Source Code, 50/50, Contagion, Moneyball, and The Artist.

Best Actor: Jake Gyllenhall, Simon Pegg, Zach Galifanakis, Eddie Murphy, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

Best Supporting Actor: Seth Rogen, Nick Frost, Harrison Ford, Jeremy Renner, and Andy Serkis.

Worst Actor: Nicolas Cage, James Franco, Daniel Radcliffe, Daniel Craig, and Shia Lebouf.

Best Actress: Berenice Bejo, Marion Cotillard, Michelle Monaghan, Tea Leoni, and Zoe Saldana.

Worst Actress: Kristen Stewart, Frieda Pinto, Penelope Cruz, Blake Lively, and Rosie Huntington-Whiteley.

Best Director: Duncan Jones, Neil Burger, Jonathan Levine, Brett Ratner, and Greg Mottola.

There are my nominations. Keep in mind, the nominees are only there because I either saw their movies or know enough about them to know they sucked. If I had seen every single movie this year, some of the nominees would look something like this:

Worst Picture: Jack and Jill, Bucky Larson: Born to be a Star, The Devil Inside, Abduction, and Cowboys and Aliens (anyway).

Worst Actor: Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, Adam Sandler, and Adam Sandler. Note: This one is closer than the nominees suggest.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode III: Rehash of the S***

WAR! The United States military industrial complex is crumbling under ruthless attacks by sociopathic Afghans in Kandahar. There are heroes on one side. Evil is all over the f***ing place.

In a stunning move, the fiendish cyborg Vice-President, Dick Cheney, has swept into Saddam Hussein's palace and captured the despot of Iraq.

As the rest of the world tries to execute Saddam for being a massive asshole, several crazy tribesmen from Kabul launch a desperate mission to continue blowing s*** up....

And there you go, part three of my epic Star Wars spoof. Expect parts four, five, and six soon! Or, at least, whenever I feel like it.

You know, I expect that one day I'll look back on my expletive-ridden posts and change these little things (*) into the actual word I'm omitting. I feel like a little kid when I do it, but whatever. At least I don't actually say the word 'bleep' in real life when I want to swear, like I used to.

I'm actually probably the most foul-mouthed 14 year-old on the face of the f***ing planet. See? Right there. I watch too much TV.

Bye!

New Crap...

Oh, hiya! As I'm sure you've noticed, there have been a few major changes to my blog site. I need to describe them now, mainly because they'll undoubtedly be changed sometime, and I'd like my blog templates to be remembered.The biggest change was the background, which went from being plain orange to a pattern of circles, including Yin and Yang, The Death Star, and Earth. Unfortunately, the middle has been eclipsed by my actual blog content, omitting the other circles (The Vertco Logo, Smiley Face, Nuclear symbol). Here's a pic of the full background:

I also edited the title, which is now a self-portrait coupled with some weird typeface for the G-Force logo. I'll almost definitely keep it, it's pretty parkour.

Also, my survey is over, and The Shark Steam Mop won in a landslide. As you may remember, I divined that The Shark Steam Mop was the best candidate for the GOP to win with in 2012. The results are in, and a whopping 100% of voters have voted for The Shark Steam Mop. No one knows just what impact this will have on the GOP race, but it definitely changes the status of previous front-runner Mitt Romney.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode II: Clone of the Attack

There is unrest in the United States senate. Several countries have declared that they will be withdrawing from Iraq sooner than expected.

This movement, led by a mysterious country known as 'France', has made it difficult for the American War Hawks to get their empire on.

Several Republican senators are returning to the senate from a nine-week break of fishing in Maine to vote on the critical issue of creating a massive clusterf*** to assist the overwhelmed Taliban....

Well, I don't know where the hell I'm gonna go from here. If I want to spoof the six Star Wars films in the spirit of the past twelve years, I still have no idea which character would be cast as who. In this particular analogy, wouldn't Bush be on the good side? We can't have that. And what will my play on words for 'Revenge of the Sith' be? I don't know.

I do know one thing: Newt Gingrich is Jabba the Hutt no matter how you slice it.

Well, I don't have much else to talk about. We went to the beach and found some Japanese buoys. Really? That's how you spell it? Why not booies? Or bouies? Or boobies?

They're probably radioactive, so we put them in the backyard. If the walnut tree grows nipples in the middle of the night, we'll know something's up.

Bye!

A-Hole Foods: Inconvenience Stores

I know I said in my last post that all my next five posts would be Star Wars spoofs, but there is a problem that must be addressed: The growing number of pretentious, stuck-up jackass stores like Whole Foods or Good Earth. A Good Earth recently opened just a mile from my house in downtown Fairfax, and all hell has broken loose.

Stores like this make me sick. Instead of Cheetos they have 'Healthy Puffs'. They have a massive display of coconut water. And they have these things... I don't even know what the hell they're supposed to be. Can you figure it out?

Just what in the name of the holy Mary mother of God is that? Fractal broccoli? It looks like a f***ing POD PERSON! How in the hell are you supposed to eat that thing? By the way, if you think you can eat that, contact the Fear Factor headquarters at NBC, they'd like to have a word with you.

The worst part is that the gallon of milk we bought there cost seven--- SEVEN DOLLARS!!! How can you justify that? "Oh, the cow is bred free-range on a wide, 17-acre plot of land in the hills of Nevada. They are milked humanely yet efficiently, and die a happy, peaceful death surrounded by loved ones". GO DIE IN A HOLE!!!

The people who shop at places like that should all be sent to a remote island. There, they would run around the beach and farm for themselves, throwing pineapples at each other and complaining about lack of WiFi access. They are stuck-up, pretentious jerk-offs who think they're better than you because they eat organic crap-food and have 'moral fiber'.

HA! It's funny, 'cause I said 'fiber'. Get it? Because I'm talking about an ORGANIC FOOD store? No? Whatever.

Anyway, I need to stop blogging about this. My doctor said I shouldn't blog about stuff I hate more often than once a month. It gets my bile up and gives me a high possibility of a heart attack.

And I'm only 14.

Bye!

Gulf Wars: Episode I: The Phantom Weapons of Mass Destruction

Turmoil has engulfed the United States. The price of outlying country's oil imports is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a nonexistent nuclear weapons program, the greedy and insane Saddam Hussein has declared war on the United States by being confused with Osama Bin Laden.

While the congress and senate endlessly debate the alarming chain of events, The Decider-in-Chief has secretly dispatched two battalions of US soldiers, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict.

There you have it. My next five blog posts will be devoted to incredibly classic spoofs on the six Star Wars movies, not counting the crappy Clone Wars movie or the Holiday Special. Actually, the Holiday Special would work very well. 'The Gulf Wars War on Christmas' sounds very good.

I still just can't get OVER how BAD this movie was... and now it's getting released in 3D. It's just so frickin' sad...

Anyway, not all my next blog posts will be complete wastes. I can still rant about how big of an asshole Mitt Romney is, I just have to wait a bit until my opening crawl spoof is finished. But still, maybe I'm just doing this to get six free blog posts with minimal creative input. And besides, I still don't know how I would cast these things... aaaargh....

Too much thinking. And besides, just imagining The Phantom Menace in your mind can decrease your mental capabilities, so don't keep reading.

Are you reading this. Screw off.

Bye!

The Week That Time Forgot

I haven't posted anything for five days, mainly because I was too wrapped up in how explosively BAD last week was. Rick Santorum won three states, I screwed myself over on my math test, my stupid group in history BOMBED my previously mentioned 'Dynamite' spoof, and I was taken on a boring, soul-crushing tour of the high school I'll be going to next year, which seems awful.

On top of that, I had to dress up as Boo goddamn Radley from 'To Kill a Mockingbird' for english class, I left a tupperware at school that seems to have been lost in space, and my revolt against my school was a complete dud.

It's pretty bad, m'kay?

Anyway, that's why I haven't been able to do much for a while. My weekend mostly consisted of going to see Chronicle again (yeah, it's that good) and dicking around on Minecraft, or as my dad calls it, Mindcrap™.

Recently I've noticed that anything said in a british accent with extremely complicated language is incredibly funny. Oh, I mean "Any sentence spoken or enunciated accompanied by a British accent and extraordinarily highfalutin adjectives is extraordinarily and understandably amusing".

By the way, whenever I have something written in italics, read it with a british accent. Like this:

Oh, William, you will tend to my topiary animals, won't you?

See, it's funny. And it's even better if you do it with song or movie titles. For instance, STAR WARS becomes Stellar Conflicts, and PRINCE OF PERSIA becomes Heir to the Patriarch's Throne of Modern-day Iran.

And movie QUOTES? Don't get me started. See if you can figure out which one I used for this: I say, the area that we are currently standing in is colloquially referred to as SPARTAAA!

Not bad.

Bye!

'Jefferson'

In my history class, we have a debate coming up between Thomas Jefferson and Alexander Hamilton. Yeah, I know it's stupid. We were supposed to treat it like a real debate, with signs and pins and posters.

And a song.

You see, I trust no one else on the planet but myself to write a decent song spoof, so I took the job. And it is a masterpiece. If you don't know the tune, click HERE for the Youtube video.

‘JEFFERSON’

An ingeniously crafted spoof on the song ‘Dynamite’.

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

I represent, sent, sent, sent

All the farmer’s rightful dissent, sent, sent, sent

Americans should be content, tent, tent, tent

Federalists should all repent, pent, pent, pent

This song goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and OOOOON, yeaaah!

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

I came to send, send, send, send

The Federalists ‘round the bend, bend, bend, bend

The Constitution we defend, fend, fend, fend

Doesn’t want us to overspend, spend, spend, spend

This song goes on and on and on

And it goes on and on and OOOOON, yeaaah!

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

I’m gonna take ‘em all on

Federalists won’t know what hit ‘em

We will rule the world

Find one of them and get ‘em

America is awesome, and

America, it just wants it all

It just wants it all

My hands in the spacious skies

Hands in spacious skies,

Get your hands in the skyyyyy...

I throw my hands up in the spacious skies

Sayin’ eee-o, I’m so freee-o

But then there’s people like Hamilton

Who want to fight, all your rights

But we gonna fight right back

We gonna fight a ton

Because the president

Should be Tom Jefferson!

There you have it: My 'Dynamite' spoof, filled to the brim with pure awesome.

Bye!

Super Ad Bowl 2012

The Super Bowl was yesterday (but then you know that), and as usual, the 49ers weren't in it, so I didn't care. All I watched were the ads. The glorious, glorious ads that make up for the thousands of crappy commercials you have to sit through for the rest of the year. Almost.

Every year I pick the winner of the Super Ad Bowl, and this year's is... drumroll, please...

CHEVY!!! Step right up!!!

HERE is a link to the ad, which is pretty mind blow. It details the last survivors of the Mayan 2012 apocalypse, which wiped out everyone who didn't drive the most dependable truck on the road.

Now, I'd like to take this moment to say something else: Chevy is awesome, but not all car companies are (think back to my coverage of the SF car show). The second-worst car company of all time (nothing beats Toyota) is Honda. I would be fine with Honda as the company that makes watered-down Nissans, but this is going too far.

You see, just two weeks ago, I made a post detailing how to fake a sick day. Then, Honda rips me off, and EVEN GETS MATTHEW F***ING BRODERICK TO DO THE AD! Not only did it COMPLETELY steal my idea, but it also ruined one of the best movies ever.

Honda is officially going on my death list, along with Newt Gingrich, iguanas, and the entire nation of San Marino.

They know what they did.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Five: Jump on the Blandwagon

Nevada has gone to Romney, meaning that if one of the other candidates can't win one of the next four states (Maine, Colorado, Minnesota, and Missouri), then Romney will definitely be the nominee. By the way, Gingrich isn't even ON the ballot in Missouri, so it could be difficult for him to win.

DUH.

I just wish South Park was airing right now. Matt Stone and Tre Parker would have so much fun with this...

Now, one of the main reasons Romney hasn't been fully elected as the nominee by now is because of his record at Bain, a company that, as I understand it, throws small businesses in a ring to battle it out. Whichever one is left standing gets 'financial aid' that results in bankruptcy.

Well, you can almost TELL the place is evil. The name in itself is both a Batman villain and a bounty hunter from the crappy Star Wars: The Clone Wars TV series. But I'm getting distracted.

Mitt Romney is living the high life right now. He's doing speeches and telling everyone to JUMP ON THE BLANDWAGON before it's too late. I really hope he IS the nominee. Actually, as a Democrat, I don't care WHO the nominee is. None of them can beat Obama. Not Gingrich, not Paul, not Santorum, and definitely not Romney.

They are all screwed.

Bye!

The 2012 G-force Coverage of the Republican Presidential Race: Part Four: The Campaign-over

The Nevada primaries are today, and I'm not even going to TRY to call this one. I thought Ron Paul had Florida in the bag, because old people can really connect with an old person. But, I was way off the mark, so I'm going to sit this one out.

Which gives me time to talk about my new movie, The Campaign-over.

Yes, I photoshopped that myself, thank you very much. And it is beast mode. After a rough night of campaigning in Vegas, Romney, Gingrich, and Ron Paul wake up completely hung over, with no memory of what happened the night before. They find a baby (Rick Perry) in the hotel room safe, and a tiger (which belongs to Karl Rove) in the bathroom.

They can't find Rick Santorum, and spend hours searching for him. As the polls begin to come in, tensions rise among the group. Then Gingrich finds Santorum on the roof.

Fun fact: No matter HOW high they are, no one would ever marry Michelle Bachmann.

On their way to their respective campaign headquarters, the four make a pact to never speak of what happened again, as it could sink all their campaigns. Stay tuned for The Campaign-over Part II! Remember: What happens in Vegas may stay in Vegas, but what happens in Bangkok... let's just say it has something to do with the word 'Santorum'.

Actually, now that I think about it, Gingrich should be Phil and Romney should be Stu. But it's too late to change it; I'm not photoshopping that thing all over again. If you think about how long it took for me to make THIS crappy thing, imagine how long it would take for me to make one that was any good.

Bye!

Chronicle

There have been a lot of found-footage films (Blair Witch Project, Cloverfield, Paranormal Activity, Apollo 18, The Devil Inside), but few of them reach the heights of the most recent addition to their ranks: Chronicle. I know I say this a lot, but it was the best movie ever. Of course, it wasn't, Raiders of the Lost Ark still holds that title, but it may make it into my top 20.

The basic plot was pretty simple: three friends find a sinkhole in the woods and go into it, finding a strange thingamajig that gives them telekinetic powers. My main problem with the movie was that we never find out what the hell the thing was, but that's kind of the point. If you want to see it, don't read past this point, 'cause it's SPOILER TIME!

It was pretty interesting to watch one of the characters turn to the dark side and start killing things. Up until then, though, was really the movie's finest part: the unbridled silliness of three guys throwing things around with their minds (as you can see from the poster). Things picked up when one of the guys, Steve, died when Andrew (the dark side guy) accidentally kills him with lightning. Oops.

Anyway, the final battle sequence gets pretty intense, so you should definitely go see it. My only problem with it is that the 'camera' advent gets a little tedious at times as the director tries to find new, inventive ways of putting cameras in the movie. We get to see the action from security store cameras, helicopter cameras, police car cameras, video cameras, and camcorders.

So: go see it. 8/10 stars. It is awesome, and you will laugh your ass off while simultaneously being freaked out.

Bye!

Occupy White Hill: Part II

My past two blog posts have been continuations of previous series, and I'm keeping the vein alive with this post. Many things have happened in the past week; Romney won Florida, we have six more weeks of winter, and I still haven't reported on the Italian cruise ship that ran aground, or its captain, who tripped and fell in a lifeboat. How convenient.

But something big has come up. My school has become increasingly byzantine. As you may or may not know, I'm about halfway through my eighth grade year. Ever since FOREVER, White Hill Middle School has let the eighth graders out five minutes early so there isn't a massive simultaneous rush to the buses. But as SOON AS I GOT TO EIGHTH GRADE, some f***it in the PTA decided to let the sixies (sixth graders) out early. What. The. Hell.

Then a week ago, the PE department declared that from now on, when running the weekly mile, you have to pick up a playing card on every lap. This is to make sure no one cuts a lap and ends up with a 4:15 time instead of a well-earned 7:11. But the people who hand out the cards on every pass are very bad at their job. I tried to take a card, but they dropped it. Twice. I took the liberty of deducting 15 seconds from my final time. No WAY I'm gonna walk away with a 7:49.

But today they pulled a big one. From now one, it is illegal to enter the locker hall between classes. Apparently, there were too many people in the hall one day and someone got smashed into a locker and someone else broke their arm. And you know what? I don't really care. The rest of us shouldn't have to suffer. And apparently, you should have all your stuff with you all the time.

I actually don't have a locker. I put everything I need in my backpack, but soon they're going to MAKE us use lockers, or make us buy the locks from them, or some other dystopian socialist nightmare law that will ruin our lives even further.

This is why I plan on making flyers, signs, and posters, all demanding the immediate removal of our principal from power. It is time he stepped down. And seeing as I have already organized ONE riot at my elementary school (it's a long story), I think I can revolt pretty well.

Be warned.

Bye!