Lord of the Rings

Here's a long-lost story that has gone untold:

Last Christmas Eve, my dad and I went out on a walk around the neighborhood after dinner like we always do. We were goofing around with an unstrung tetherball when his wedding ring fell off. We didn't notice it at the time, though, or there wouldn't be a story here.

When we got home, he started getting all agitated and saying 'My ring is gone! My ring is gone!' So we retraced our steps back to the grade school we had gone over to. We looked everywhere. Seriously. I even tried to get on a roof. I've done it before. It's not hard. All you have to do is...

...okay, I'm getting sidetracked.

So, finally, he says he can just get a new one made. He started walking home, all depressed. I said to myself, 'Okay, time for a little divine intervention.'

And then I looked down. There was a shiny thing in the puddle at my feet. It was his ring. He didn't lose it with the tetherball, he lost it when we were arm wrestling, which makes sense. So then I ran towards him in slow motion through the snow in a touching scene, humming the Superman theme song.

Now, some might say that finding that ring was an act of God. These are the people who say that God causes earthquakes 'cause he's mad at Haiti. But I'm not gonna get into the whole thing, though. I'm SO done with that.

Bye!

Secondhand

So, my room has been remodeled, and it's almost unrecognizable. The bed takes up SO much space that I had to get rid of my old stupid bedside table. Now I'm using the CPU of a 2005 Mac as my new bedside. It'll really get rid of all the stuff I used to put on my bedside table (such as The Swamp). Now I only have my digital camera, a lamp, a radio, and a drawing pad. But when you open up the CPU, you can see the secrets within (such as a laser pointer).

My parents have probably never bought anything new since 2007. Since then, everything but food has been found at a garage sale, on the side of the road with a sign reading 'FREE', or off Craigslist. This bed is no exception. We went to Ikea only to scope out which beds I liked, and came back to the computer to let dad work his magic. Whatever it is, dad can find it for something cheaper. The last new thing he bought was our car, a Volvo S40, and it took him a year to finally decide on it. Ugh.

You can really never go wrong with free stuff. I was walking around the neighborhood the other day when I found a free shoe rack. Actually, the guy was moving, and it was just sitting on the curb. I'm sure he didn't want it anyway.

Since then, we've gotten lamps, bed frames, computers, statues, plants, and firewood either for free or off Craigslist. Scary.

Bye!

Bed, Bath, and That's It

'Sup, French people! That's right, this blog has now been read in France! If you are reading this from France right now, I'm coming to your country over the summer for two weeks! Maybe I'll see you there... but you won't know if it's me.

Anyway, back to the boring minutia of every daily event! I got a new bed today (my feet had been hanging out the bottom of the old one), and it took five hours to set up, two more to buy a mattress, and another to find a suitable post for the middle. It's a nice bed, but it's from Ikea (gag). Ikea annoys me. They need to give their products American names. No one wants to buy a 'Ramivak Slakov'.

Ever since I went to Ikea, I've been suffering from something called IISS (Ikea Induced Stress Syndrome). Now whenever I hear the phrase 'Attach the pegs in accordance to fig. 2', I go into fits of projectile vomiting.

Anyway, the bed is finally assembled. I'm sitting here in my room looking at it right now. It's a lot bigger and better than my old one; it's low to the ground and really comfy. Now all I have to do is wait for the mattress to be delivered. If it doesn't come today, I'll end up sleeping in the guest bedroom. Gag.

Bye!

War and Inner Peace

I don't mean to brag, but I am a ninja. I obtained my online degree from Wikininja.com, a site set up by my associate, Diego Tutweiller. Here's a link: WIKININJA.

Wikininja is a website for the supernatural. From there, I learned more about the shocking secrets behind King Tut's 'Missing Nile', the main sustenance for alien beings, and the significance of the secret number 957.

But I heard a story relevant to the Suburban Ninja Community that both shocked and amazed me: The military has been training mind-controlling personnel for quite some time now! And even stranger, I wasn't asked to teach the sessions! There's only one possible reason for this, folks: The military sees me as their enemy. That's not good. Last time someone was the enemy of the military...

...He got away fine. Okay, bad example. Anyway, this secret group of American Mind Monks has been exposed by an article in Rolling Stone. Apparently, Rolling Stone hates our armed forces for some reason, as they're trying to take them down using a weapon known as... journalism. Scary.

Maybe these mind monks can already control minds. Maybe they are making you read this blog... RIGHT NOW!!!

Sleep well tonight. Bye!

Indiana Graham and the Search for the Pharaoh's Schlong: Part Two: The Res-Erection

Readers, I bring more shocking news of King Tut's Royal Scepter! A man named Uri Gheller recently bought to a $40,000 island off the coast of Scotland. Now, this island is named after King Tut's half-sister, who moved there after falling out with the Egyptian royal family. She allegedly brought with her some 'ancient artifacts', that have never been discovered. You know what this means, right?

SHE BROUGHT KING TUT'S PENIS WITH HER! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUH!!!

If that's not enough, you should hear about Uri. He did a TV series where he bent spoons using only his mind and trick spoons. SPOOKY. I believe he is some sort of supernatural creature who has manifested himself into an ethereal quasi-human form. Or he's a douchebag with no money who decided to prey on people's gullibility by pretending to bend spoons with his mind. Either way, he's WEIRRRD.

But this goes even deeper, just like Inception. Just when I was about to go to Egypt and search for the 'Staff of Ra', a revolution broke out! Coincidence? Or not? This gives new credibility to the theory that Egyptian officials prevented archaeologists from inspecting the 'Royal Jewels' because Tut had a disease that made his schlong like the Sphinx's nose--- A BIT TOO SMALL! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUH!!!!

And during this revolt, some terrorists escaped from a Cairo prison. This can lead to only one conclusion:

AL-QAEDA HAS KING TUT'S PENIS!!! DUH, DUH, DUUUUUUUH!!!

This is not good, as some people believe King Tut's 'little cartouche' possesses supernatural powers. And when reunited with its 'Eyes of Ra', it could be used to conquer the entire planet!

So, I'm flying to Cairo tonight. I must prevent Al-Qaeda from uniting the 'ancient obelisks' and destroying America!

Sleep well tonight!

Also, another interesting tie-in: Last year, when we were studying our Egypt unit in class, I saw Tut's sarcophagus (no, not a euphemism. An actual sarcophagus). I had a plan to steal the thing with the mummy inside. If I had, maybe all of this could have been avoided. What a shame.

No, actually, it's not. I've milked two blogs out of this so far. Expect more!

Bye!

SPIDER-CLAM!!!

'Sup, semi-loyal followers! You may have heard about the Spider-Man show in New York, which I, of course, think is a fantastic concept. I'd go to more plays if I thought someone might get mortally wounded or maimed just by going through the scenes. But obviously, the guy playing Spider-Man needs something to break his fall. Which is why I'm introducing the newest superhero...

As you may have guessed, that entire paragraph was just so that I could do that bad pun.

Here's something you might like: the sign I recently hung on my door.

Okay, this blog needs to be short, 'cause I have to go eat dinner. Bye!

G-force International II

Time for a big shout-out to anyone reading this blog across the world!!! G-force has been read by people in Slovenia, Malaysia, Germany, Denmark, India, France, Canada, Brazil, Russia, and China! By the way, if you are reading this from China:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING??? IF THE GOVERNMENT FINDS OUT YOU'RE SURFING THE WEB, YOU'RE TOAST! DROP THE MOUSE, NOW!!!

If you're reading this from Brazil, cumprimentos de America! Como esta indo? Yeah, that's right. I can speak PORTUGUESE. And I did NOT use the online translator. I didn't.

Here's a pic of all the countries my blog has been viewed in this week:

So, I'm waiting on you other countries. Especially the other English-speaking ones like Australia and England. When I'm in Europe this summer, I'll try to spread my blog address around.

Sayonara, Capybara!

Dance Dance Revulsion

Time for another installment of...

DUDE, WHERE'S MY DIGNITY???

Recently, my PE class started a dance unit. Hoo boy. Our teacher, who was hired by the school for three weeks, seems to actually think that this is preparing us for something. The poor, poor deluded fool. He keeps asking us to stop talking so that we can 'get some work done'. He says talking is a waste of time. That's when I yelled out "Unlike something else I know".

I wonder what this guy's parents think of his career choice. "How's your son doing these days, Howard?" "Oh, fine, fine, he's a middle school dance instructor". Ouch.

At one point in this stupid unit, we have to improvise. I do something I like to call the Vertco Shuffle. The steps are: step left, left left left, right, right, right right.

Repeat as necessary.

YES! BOOM! I SPELLED NECESSARY WITHOUT LOOKING IT UP!

Anyway, we have some dumb dance exhibition on Thursday, which is why on Friday I wrote my last will and testament.

I'm shmuffed.

Bye!

True S***

I saw the new movie 'True Grit' yesterday, and man, it stank. It was actually okay until the last five minutes, which pretty much ruined the whole thing. It was one of those epilogue-y endings where we find out the main character lost an arm and another main character died. Not very uplifting. So, if you want, walk out when the main character falls into a rattlesnake pit. It all goes downhill from there. Here's a pic of True S***:

By the way, I'm totally dead. In science on Tuesday, we have a 90-minute period to write a thesis about a book we just read. It's called Raptor Red. Here's a pic of the cover:

We're supposed to come up with a statement and explain why we think that. Well, hell, I can't think of anything. It's not good. Then we also have an assignment due in history where we write a fictional story about an American hero from the past. Everyone did someone obvious like Lincoln or MLK, but I did Bob Woodward, the guy who busted Nixon. In MY story, Bob will be pursued by Nixon's goons in a car chase. Will he survive and publish the world-changing article... or won't he?

Anyway, our history teacher likes assigning things at the last minute. It annoys me. He says it's not TECHNICALLY weekend homework because it's due on a Tuesday, but it's impossible to complete without working on the weekend. I'll show him, though. I'll do a rushed, crappy job at the last second and get a terrible grade! That'll show HIM!

Bye!

Four Score and Seven Years from Now...

Something amazing has happened: I have been visited by my future self. He's gone now, but I secretly recorded our conversation so that I could publish it here. Here's the transcript.

Me: Woah, who are you?

Future Me: I'm you.

Me: Is this, like, a Spock moment?

Future Me: Yeah, that's right. I'm you from the future.

Me: Well, that's intense.

Future Me: Yeah...

Me: Want a cheeto?

FM: Sure. We don't have those anymore where I come from.

Me: Did the government outlaw them?

FM: No, we just ran out of actual cheese. The new artificial kind is awful.

Me: So, what time are you from?

FM: 2098.

Me: You look like you're 20 years old!!!

FM: Well, using artificial age retention, you can live an extra 60 years!

Me: Oh... So, what's life like 80 years from now?

FM: Here's a current map of the world. Did you know that Canada was once its own country, with its own system of government and everything?

Me: Yeah, that's the way it is now. Why is California its own country?

FM: In order for the US to have a nice even 60 stars on the flag, they granted California independence.

Me: What happened with South America there?

FM: Paraguay and Uruguay went to war over which one was 'guayer'.

Me: So, what do I become when I grow up? Cartoonist? Bounty Hunter? CEO?

FM: A janitor at the self-tying shoelace plant.

Me: Oh...

FM: Gotta go! Time travel is illegal, but I just wanted to warn you: Don't call your house 20 times today telling your parents to buy you an X-Box. They won't be happy.

Me: Too late. Come back five hours ago.

FM: Damn. (Space-time portal opens, out steps android).

FM: Wait! No!

Android: TIME TRAVEL IS ILLEGAL (zaps future me into small pile of dust).

Me: 'Sup.

Android: SEE YA (leaves).

Me: WTF!!!

Anyway, that's the whole transcript.

Bye!

G-force International

I was playing Scrabble the other day when I realized I was 32 points behind the lead (my mom). I panicked, and put down crazy words like 'mete'. That's a completely ridiculous word. I barely even know what it means.

Anyway, I won the game with 44 points for my historic play of the word 'pjet' (pronounced pee-yet). It stands for pulse jet, but I just like saying it that way. When I Googled it, my parents didn't look at the page long enough to see it was an abbreviation. MWAHAHA!

This game is really annoying. I only played this time because my parents let me use swear words and spanish phrases. 'Tarea' got me 18 points!

I just figured out how to check my blog's views. It has a chart of all the countries in the world and color-codes them depending on how many times people there have viewed my blog! So far, people in Brazil, Ukraine, the Netherlands, Russia, and Germany have seen my blog, and altogether 2,707 different people have seen my blog! WHOO!

I always liked Ukraine.

Bye!

Super Bowling...

THEY WOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNN!!!!!!!!! Greenbay defeated the Steelers! I'm so happy, I could jump off a cliff. In a good way.

This means I get to go laugh in the face of everyone who supported Pittsburgh. The suckers. I laugh. Ha, ha.

But more importantly, the winner of this year's SUPER AD BOWL!!! This year, a 30-second ad cost five million dollars. There were a lot of finalists, including several Chevy ads and a few for Budweiser. But one stood out above all the others. Only one could rival the Doritos® ad from last year and the infamous talking babies! And the winner is...

Coca-Cola, for their spectacular border guard ad! I am now pleased to present the Vertco Official Trophy for Excellence in Advertising! Here you go, Coke people!

Last year, Doritos® won with their unbelievable ninja Doritos® assault ad. Google it and go to videos, or follow THIS link to my 2010 blog about the Superbowl and the Super Ad Bowl.

Bye!

Not Another Telemarketer!

Two more telemarketer stories:

Me: 'Sup.

TM: Yes, I'm calling on behalf of the Republican Party.

Me: Oh... well...

TM: I'm sorry, am I interrupting something?

Me: Yeah, we're eating dinner, and I really do like spastic leech lungs.

TM: Haha... um...

Me: SLEEP WELL TONIGHT!!! (hangs up)

Aaaah, fun. And here's the second one, which just happened six seconds ago:

Me: Yello!

TM: Could I speak to a Mr. Jerry Sacamano?

Me: Sorry, this is a wrong number.

TM: Really?

Me: Yes. This is Zontar, King of the Pig People. Snort, snort. (hangs up)

This is so much fun. Driving people insane is somewhat of an obsession with me. And I'm pretty good at it, too, as you may have noticed.

Bye!

Brace Yourselves...

You know what I hate? Dentists. I don't know why I should trust these shady creeps with my teeth. I'm sure half of the stuff they stick in your mouth is just for fun. They want to see how many gadgets they can shove down your throat before you say 'Okay, REALLY?' If we didn't do that, they might shove in a golf ball or something. Then they probably go into a back room and have a big laugh about it with all their dentist buddies. The turds. I despise each and every one of them.

Hence, I had to get braces yesterday. I fought like Rocky Balboa in Rocky I, though. And they deserved it. I took those air jets and shoved them up their nostrils. Suckers.

Anyway, off that topic. It annoys me. Something I'm REALLY looking forward to, though, is Sudan splitting in half! This year, we may have a brand-new country on our hands. A vote is going through on whether or not to split the largest nation in Africa into two parts. This is FANTASTIC news. The more countries there are, the better Vertco does. We buy put options on all the stocks of the new country, triggering a credit downgrade and instant bankruptcy! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! I am evil.

Also, this new country needs a name, and since 'South Sudan' doesn't sound so good, I decided to submit some names of my own. TELL me this doesn't sound like a perfect name for a country: Maramast. It's beautiful. And if that doesn't work, how about Thioshinia? I practically have a dictionary in my head full of great ideas for country names. How about Hyporia? Maybe Iostaccia? So, all I'm asking is for 16 million dollars to be mailed right to me, and 'South Sudan' can have all the rights and royalties to a patented Vertco country name! Maybe Sorraj? Troiesque? Phiforia? OOH! OOH! I know! Turdistan!

Anyway, I defy anyone to come up with a better name than one of those. They're perfect. So I suggest that South Sudan buys one before some other country with a crappy name buys it first. Yeah, I'm looking at YOU, Moldova. You too, San Marino.

And the chaos continues in Northern Africa and the Middle East. Syria has shut down its citizen's internet connection, there are stirrings in Morocco and Jordan, and Algeria is freaking out as well. By the way, Jordan? You may need a name change. How about Arasachra? Kind of just rolls off your tongue, doesn't it? ARASACHRA. Nice.

Bye!

Egypt: The One Next To Sudan

Well, my friend Ben has finally posted something on his blog that does not involve ripping me off or insulting me, so here's a link to his blog. It kills me to put this in. I don't know why I'm giving him the free publicity after what he said on it.

You know what? Screw it. I'll give it a few more weeks.

As you may have already noticed, I have tagged all my blogs. Now it's a snap to go find your favorites. Just click on a tag like 'Egypt' or 'Leekar', and you can see all the posts with that tag! By the way, 'Egypt' will take you to my blog about King Tut's 'Little Canopic Jar'.

Speaking of which, Egypt has finally accomplished something in the last 3,000 years! As you may know, Egypt, once a mighty empire that stretched down to present-day Ethiopia, hasn't done a damn significant or relevant thing since the time of the pharaohs.

Until now! Joining the club of North African Countries That Have Revolted Against Their Leaders in 2011 (Or NACTHRATL2011), Egypt has been thrust into turmoil after several riots more violent than a british football aftermath! By the way, the NACTHRATL2011 has more members than you may expect. Tunisia has gone through three dictators in a five-hour time span, there have been problems in Morocco, Palestine, and Saudi Arabia, and Jordan has laid off its entire presidential cabinet. And yes, I know Palestine, Saudi Arabia, and Jordan aren't in North Africa, but I needed SOMETHING to talk about.

Up until now, Egypt has been like one big museum that never changes its exhibits. I defy you to name off the top of your head one thing Modern Egypt has accomplished.

See? You can't. And you're obviously a very smart person because you've chosen to read this blog. So bravo, Egypt. It took you 3,000 years, but you've finally accomplished something of relevance that Caesar wasn't around to see. Now we need to have something happen in countries like Moldova and Uzbekistan, countries you did not even know existed.

Bye!