No S***, Sherlock: A Game of S***ows

I've seen two movies in the past three days, and I need to get some reviewing done. And because it goes against my religion to have both movies in one post, I need to do at least two blogs today.

The Sherlock Holmes series is, almost undoubtedly, not over. We owe this to Downey Jr, who (though incapable of a british accent) essentially carries the whole movie. It was not nearly as good as the first one. Final score: 5/10 stars.

By the way, if you want the full history of all my movie ratings, check out Diego Tutweiller's page on Rotten Tomatoes (yeah, that's right). Obviously, that's not my real name, nor do I live in Bakersfield. But whatever. Click HERE to access the RT main page, and click HERE to go to my Rotten Tomatoes profile.

Bye!

Dead as a Doornail

It's all over.

There is no one else left. No other foreign dictators to make fun of. I'm ruined. I had planned my entire 2012 blog series on Kim Jong-Il and now he just up and DIES?!?! NOT COOL, YOU SON OF A---.... But I'm calm...

Really, though, where do we all go from here? All of us political comedians who don't have much left to mock... Mummar Qadaffi's gone, and those female bodyguard jokes are wearing thin already. Assad won't last much longer. The dictators of Egypt and Tunisia are gone, and now you take Kim Jong-Il away from us??? NOOOOOOOOOO...

He and Qadaffi could have founded the Crazy Dictator's Club. Qadaffi outlawed Switzerland. Kimmie played golf and ate lobsters while his people starved. Qadaffi pitched a tent in front of his hotel and let his camel roam around the compound. Kim was an avid movie buff.

So much squandered material... all wasted... what do we all do now?

Oh, but of course. Ayatollah Ass-a-holla.

I'm gonna have some fun with this guy before he dies.

Bye!

BEST. SONG. EVER.

As you might know, I almost always call movies I like 'the best movie ever'. Well, I think I may have a disease, because I've started doing it with songs, too. So here's the list of best songs ever (not in any particular order). Also, I tried to limit the number of songs per band to three, because I don't want The Beatles, The Black Keys, and Greenday hogging the list.

The Beatles: Ticket to Ride, The Night Before, Help (all of which I have memorized)

Greenday: The Static Age (which I have memorized), Holiday, Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Rolling Stones: Paint it Black (fun fact: I thought it was 'PAINTED Black' for the first 12 years of my life).

REM: It's the End of the World as We Know it, The One I Love (which I have memorized), and Work Song

Talking Heads: Road to Nowhere, And She Was

B.O.B: Nothin' on You, Don't Let Me Fall, I'll be in the Sky

Black Keys: Howlin' for You, Tighten Up, Gold on the Ceiling (all of which I have memorized)

World Party: When the Rainbow Comes, Curse of the Mummy's Tomb, Put the Message in the Box

Bob Dylan: The Times they are a Changin', Tambourine Man, The Man in Me

Red Hot Chili Peppers: The Adventures of Rain Dance Maggie, Dani California, Californication

Foster the People: Don't Stop, Pumped Up Kicks

The Kinks: My Sharona (their only good song)

Taio Cruz: Dynamite (which I have memorized)

The Airborne Toxic Event: Changing (which I have memorized)

Keane: Stop For a Minute (which I have memorized)

Matt Nathanson: Faster
Fun: We Are Young

The Zombies: Time of the Season

Neon Trees: Animal

Weezer: Island in the Sun, Beverly Hills

Journey: Don't Stop Believing (which was in The Losers!)

ELO: Don't Bring Me Down

Weird Al: Amish Paradise, Ebay (both of which I have memorized)

Train: Save Me San Francisco (at least they don't call it 'Frisco'. Ugh)

There you go. Feel free to look up the ones you don't know. In fact, do it or else!

Bye!

The Invention of Hugo Crappe

I saw the tenth-worst movie I've ever seen this weekend. It's called Hugo, and its crappiness knows no bounds.

The story is about a kid whose father died under mysterious circumstances in a museum fire and left the kid one of his possessions; a broken robot that needs a heart-shaped key to operate it. So far, you're probably thinking 'Oh, that actually sounds intriguing, so maybe there'll be international intrigue and suspense and chilling moments of realization'. Let me be perfectly blunt. NO. There is basically no good scene in the whole freaking movie. The kids are as wooden as any kid actor should be expected to act (I've always said this-- I should be an actor), but even the rest of the cast was an epic fail.

You know, It's not actually the actor's fault. No one could save this thing from its canned, corny dialogue or its moronic ending. The kid fixes the robot, but it doesn't tell him anything about how his dad died! ERRRGH... this movie made my brain cells permanently clench... 2/10 stars.

Man... this proves beyond a reasonable doubt that all movie reviewers (except you-know-who) are endlessly sentimental, nostalgic pissheads who wouldn't know an original storyline if it was tattooed on their big, fat, ugly faces... but I'm getting ahead of myself.

So in order to channel my hatred in a different direction, I will now give you a list of my most detested movies of all time! Let's see the list.

#9) Cowboys and Aliens. No plot, too many tone shifts, a waste of Harrison Ford.

#8) Transformers: Dark of the Moon. They ruined all the good characters.

#7) Green Lantern. It had so much potential. A movie about one of the best superheroes ever and... they squashed it.

#6) Star Wars: The Phantom Menace. Jar Jar can go die in a hole. In fact, I'll dig the hole FOR him.

#5) Thor. Two words: EPIC FAIL. A monotonous drone of cheap kiddie crap.

#4) Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. THEY. RUINED. EVERYTHING.

#3) Clash of the Titans. Cheap special effects and no plot. Less yackin', more Kraken!

#2) Battle: LA. I'm not gonna get into it... just click HERE.

#1) August Rush. Sentimental, s***ty, and overall the worst movie ever made. End of discussion. BLEAH!!!

Oh, and some other things that WOULD have been on this list, but don't actually qualify as movies: Little Buddha, The Chronicles of Narnia, Garfield: The Movie, The Island, The Incredible Hulk, Jumper, Everyone's Hero, Wild, Wild West, Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties, The Other Guys, and The Core.

Bye!

Herman Cain the Hurricane!

Hey, Algeria! As of today, my blog has been read twice in the largest country in Africa! Remember how I said I would try to get my blog read in Mauritania, then forgot about it? This is just as good! THE WALRUS FLIES AT MIDNIGHT.

However, I've started this blog at 8:53 PM for a much more sensitive reason: Herman Cain has suspended his campaign amidst allegations of almost Schwarzneggerian groping escapades. Now, the funniest thing about this isn't how he arrived late to his own speech. It's not that the last time a Republican 'suspended' their campaign, they lost in a landslide.

VOTE MCCAIN because the rich white guy is never in charge.

No. The funniest thing is the inspirational quote he used to finish off the speech. Let's all sit for a moment of silence while we read it.

"Life can be a challenge. Life can be impossible. But it's never easy when there's so much on the line".

Wow. I thought Herman Cain was a complete idiot. But that was actually very inspirational, very intelligent, and somewhat whimsical. Now... let me think... where is that quote from?

Oh, right. THE GODDAMN POKEMON MOVIE!!! HOLY LIVING F***IN' HELL! And it's even worse when you think about all the other, more inspirational, even MORE meaningful quotes he could have used.

"Pika! Pika! Pi-KA-chu!"

That's what I'm talking about. Wait... woah... what if...

Did Herman Cain have an affair with Squirtle?

I'd better stop this line of questioning before Cain's lawyers shut me up. So I'll end this blog on a high note:

The Declaration of Procrastination

When in the course of student events it becomes necessary for an assignment to be put off until 'later', a decent respect to the opinions of parents and of teachers (no matter how wrong they may be) requires that the reasons that impel them to this procrastination be stated.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that anything that can be done today should be done tomorrow, that all assignments are created equal, that they are endowed by their assigner with certain inalienable rights, that among these are the right to be ignored and the right to be put off.

No assignment or task should ever infringe upon life, liberty, or the pursuit of happiness, and especially not infringe on playing Minecraft.

<<< There was going to be a picture of something that had something to do with procrastination here, but I didn't have the energy.

The LOSERS

Well, my blog has officially been read in Brunei! Let's give a big shout-out to all my pals in Bandar Seri Begawan! How's The Sultan doing, guys?

I haven't blogged for a while, mainly because I've been reading the greatest graphic novel I've ever read: THE LOSERS. It's about a special forces team that goes off-mission and sees something they weren't supposed to. They then see their helicopter blow up in midair (the one they were supposed to be on) and understand that someone in the agency by the name of Max wants them dead. They then go around shooting things up, blowing things up, and punching things up until the climactic scene on the island of New Jerusalem... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Just read it. It's epic.

The movie, unfortunately, wasn't as good. It currently has 47% on Rotten Tomatoes. But if you watch the movie and hate it... don't hold it against the graphic novel. It's fantastic.

It even defeats Watchmen's arrogant claim to the greatest graphic novel ever, mainly because the characters in Watchmen are so boring and the peeps in The LOSERS are so badass. I cannot stress this enough--- read the goddamn comics. You will scream, you will cry, you will laugh your ass off.

I feel like Billy Mays pushing a new product. Better end this before it gets into obsession. Bye!

The 2012 G-Force Coverage of the San Francisco Car Show (Sponsored by Red Bull)

This post is gonna have a LOT OF PICTURES, because I just went to the San Francisco car show for the 2012 model year, and it was EPIC! So I'm just going to give you the complete quick-shot overview of everything I saw, starting with the best car manufacturer of all time.

Vertco: Vertco 2012 is going to be epic. I got a look at the new Vertco Minotaur, the Stadium-8, and the Orb Republic. It's gonna be a good year.

Chevy: Chevy has introduced the new Sonic compact (replacing the Aveo), and it's a pretty sweet ride, but I wouldn't subject a long time in the backseat to anyone. The best Chevy there was, of course, the Camaro (my dream car), and there was even an 'American Pride' Camaro painted with all of American history. Very cool.

Cadillac: Caddy has made only one advancement in technology since the 70's--- their cars now look more geometric. Literally. Everything else is the same (including the gas milage, which is hovering around the 17 range).

Buick: I was actually kind of impressed with Buick this year, mainly because of the posh interiors. However, it's not going to ever become the luxury brand GM wants it to be.

GMC: BO-RING!

Ford: Ford has had an interesting technique the last few years--- they make the cars as fuel-efficient and ugly as they can. The new Mustang Boss is pretty Bossome, though.

Lincoln: With Mercury gone, Lincoln has become the forgotten brand. It seems to have just been ignored... okay, on to Chrysler!

Chrysler: With Fiat as a new owner, I was expecting something along the line of the infamous Chryslers of the past (aka pieces of s***), but I liked the new Sebring a LOT.

Dodge: Dodge has broken off into two pieces, Dodge and Ram, with Ram making the trucks and Dodge making the pwncars. I got inside an orange Challenger that kicked ASS. And note that all the Chrysler achievements come from a company that went bankrupt and was bought by a crappy Italian company with a track record of making cars that you could probably throw with one hand.

Jeep: Jeep is stickin' to the formula that seems to have worked so far: making the only passenger vehicles on the planet that can remove their roof, doors, and windshield when duty calls. Pretty parkour.

Toyota: **** Toyota. It's a s*** company. It's full of a******* who d*** around all day making ****ing pieces of ****ing s***... okay, Toyota makes cars that crash. They are so bland you can actually kill brain cells by being in one of their cars. End of discussion.

Lexus: See above.

Scion: Originally, the IQ was a Toyota model, which I saw in Europe. But for the US, they've turned it into the Scion IQ, which... hey... this is a Toyota brand. See above above.

Kia: I got in one and couldn't get out. Kia makes safe, fuel-efficient, cool-looking cars. It is a great company. Kia's cars are made out of solid gold. They have wings and run on the power of dreams. And they have fuel injectors bestowed unto us by God himself. Also, Kia likes Red Bull.

Hyundai: Never figured out how to pronounce the name 'Hyundai'. I avoided their display to avoid exposing this.

Honda: Honda is a snoresville company. They're like Toyota, but without the raw power.

Acura: Honda with cushy seats and a slanted logo.

BMW: BMW is one of the most epic car companies ever. My only beef with them is that they have too many freaking cars! There's the convertibles (which is about 17 models) the hatchbacks, the SUVs... it's ridonkulous. But hey, whatever--- BMW is one of the greatest luxury car manufacturers of all time.

VW: The attempt to create a new Beetle that is both fuel-efficient and manly has been a complete waste of time. In my opinion, if VW wants to make the Bug more macho, they need to do this:

Audi: The infamous company that stole their logo from the creators of the Slinky have done it again with the new Audi R8, which may actually cause you to have a coronary when you look at it, it's just that awesome. If you are in the market for one (and have $200,000 to spare on you), I highly recommend the red one. It will blow your mind.

Jaguar: Jag has changed so much in the past few years that even my dad (who knows his cars) couldn't tell what they were. Jag has upped its game. Kudos.

Land Rover: Normally I wouldn't give a flying fig about Land Rover, but their new Defender concepts were fantastic. I can't wait to see one on the road. But the Range Rovers, as usual, were boring and a complete re-hash of last year.

Nissan: Oh. My. God. Nissan is so freaking bad. They have made the three ugliest cars of all time: The 2012 Nissan Quest, the 2012 Juke, and the 2012 Murano. The Leaf is no better. It is just trying to steal the Chevy Volt's thunder as it emerges as one of the greatest cars ever made. Screw you, Nissan. Screw you.

Infiniti: Okay, okay, you called my bluff. There is no company called Infiniti. Which makes sense. I mean, who would name their company 'Infiniti'? It's stupid! But if Infiniti existed, it would be, let's say, a subsidiary of Nissan that makes boring, ugly Acura rip-offs. Hypothetically.

Mazda: I hated everything but the new Miata roadster. It is epic. And as I said, all other Mazdas are a waste of time.

Subaru: I paid no attention to Subaru, as the company goes against my religion. My religion, as you may have guessed, is good fuel economy.

Mitsubishi: There only to promote the new Mitsubishi I, the reps from this tiny Japanese company brought a few other cars along for the ride. I was unimpressed, but hey, this could be Mitsubishi's big chance to prove itself and shake off the bad rap set by all the other cars they've made so far.

Volvo: I was sad to see that the S40 wasn't there, seeing as I own one. But all the others were very nice. Volvo is slowly becoming a more luxurious company. Figures it starts right after we buy one.

Mini: Really? Mini is STILL around?

And now we get into the EPIC cars:

Ferrari: The new Italia was there, along with 11 other Ferraris from the collection of the Ferrari Club of America. Ferraris are boss. They blow almost all other supercar manufacturers out of the water (that means you, Maserati).

Porsche: Totally ninja. Porsche has one of the greatest lineups in the history of cars. If only they could make them less expensive.

Aston Martin: Not my favorite company, but even then I was impressed. The Rapide is fantastic, and the cars look like something out of Star Wars.

Rolls-Royce: Actually, this year, Rolls was crap. They made, like, a luxury Hummer the size of the Pentagon. It's ridiculous. Not good. Not good at all.

Lotus: Lotus is good at only one thing: making roadsters. They shouldn't even try to do anything else. That's like... Saab trying to make a minivan.

Riiight...

Bentley: Bentley is not built for performance, it is built for relaxing. Therefore, I am not a fan of Bentley.

Lamborghini: You have no IDEA HOW COOL LAMBORGHINIS ARE!!! AAAARGH THEY'RE JUST SO AWESOME....

Fisker: The first Fisker I ever saw! Very intense, and it's amazing that a car as cool as that can be fully electric. Unbelievable.

Mclaren: And the first Mclaren I ever saw as well! The thing looks like a Delorean crossed with a Lamborghini. It's freaking intense.

Sot there you have it: THE 2012 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (SPONSORED BY RED BULL). The companies that weren't there (and are therefore forever on my s*** list): Mercedes, Suzuki, Saab, Coda, and... sniffle... Pontiac... I miss... Pontiac... so much...

AAAAUGH, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! THEY WERE GONNA HAVE A NEW SOLSTICE AND A NEW VIBE AND A NEW G6... noooooo....

Bring back Pontiac! Bring back Pontiac! BRING BACK PONTIAC!

Bye!

<<< The 2012 Vertco Monument.

Tower Heist

Because I'm trying to catch up to my regular amount of posts per month (PPMs), I need to do a couple of blogs today. And because I've been really lazy/playing Minecraft for the past week, I never got a chance to review the most recent sure-to-be-a-hit movie: Tower Heist. Not much to say here, it's just one of those 'How could they go wrong?' movies. It has Eddie Murphy. It has Ben Stiller. It has Alan Alda as the Madoff-esque billionare. And it has one of the funniest storylines in movies this year.

Spoiler time! We really get to hate the Alan Alda character, and in this one his only semi-likable personality turns decidedly unlikable. He ends up scamming all his employees out of millions of dollars untraceably-- or so it seems. While trying to steal the money back from Alda's penthouse, the employees find his record-keeping book in the glove compartment of Steve McQueen's Ferrari (it's complicated). So Alda goes to jail for a LOOONG time, and if he wasn't going behind bars for that, it would be for the finale of MASH.

So at the end, Tower Heist: 8/10 stars!

Bye!

Ode to America

I haven't blogged for about two weeks, so I'm going to pack as many blogs as I can into today in order to catch up.

My birthday was ten days ago, on November 8th, and I am now 14. I got everything I asked for, which isn't hard when all you ask for is movies. I got The Hangover, Source Code, Limitless, National Treasure, The Curse of the Black Pearl, and Paul.

Apparently our english teacher is big on poetry, and we had another poem assignment. For this one, we were supposed to write an 'ode to an elder', or someone we looked up to. Well, I'm 6'1'', and I look down on practically everyone, so I did Stephen Colbert. Here it is.

AN ODE TO AMERICA

A face... like America.

Eyes... like America.

A TV show... like America.

The eagle flies at 11:00 PM eastern standard time on Comedy Central.

This... is the Colbert Report.

He’s got a flamboyantly star-spangled set

With red, white, and blue adorning his desk.

A suit that cost more than some small countries do

‘Cause he is America, and so can you!

He’s saved the Olympics, he’s been to Iraq

So CLICK HERE to donate to his super-pac.

You’ll get yourself pwned if you’re on as his guest

He’ll inject you with vials of pure truthiness.

He’s pure patriotic, he roasted George Bush

Until Barbara tried to kick him in the tush.

Don’t mess with him or he’s going to sue you

Please forgive him for acting in ‘The Love Guru’.

If you want to meet him then just go to New York

Compared to him your existence is a quark.

He threw a huge party when we got Osama

He’s hosted George Lucas, McCain, and Obama!

He’s ‘endorsed’ Sarah Palin and ol’ Donald Trump

If you stay on his good side you’ll get Colbert-bumped.

He’s the owner of Captain America’s shield

When you go to his show you’re expected to kneel.

He has a treadmill that’s named for him in space

His book is adorned with some pics of his face.

In Iraq an old General shaved off all his hair.

Don’t go up against him, his name is Colbert!

Well, there you have it-- the follow-up to 'Too Many Choices'. My goal this year is to drive all my teachers up the wall by making a complete mockery of every creative assignment they give me. For instance, today, we were supposed to color in peeps from the signing of the Declaration of Independence (hint- they're all white). We would then cut out their faces and wear them as masks for a 'Constitutional Convention' reenactment. So, anyway, I colored my guy (Nicolas Gilman, some a-hole from New Hampshire) yellow, as a tribute to The Simpsons.

Bye!

Not Enough Time

After a week of planning to go see Tower Heist and A Very Harold and Kumar Christmas, me and my friends realized neither were playing at Fairfax Five Theaters (the first theater in the US to have full solar power! Whooo!). So instead of dropping our plans, we all went to see In Time.

Normally I would never have gone to see this thing, but you have to understand--- we were desperate. Unfortunately, we got in after the 'Turn off your electronic devices' notice, and both me and Luis's phones went off. At least mine didn't play 'Teach Me How to Dance'.

Anyway, back to the movie. It was incredibly strange. Apparently, in the future, everyone has a little clock on their wrists that 'times out' when they turn 26. The only way to live any longer is to make more time by working and stuff. It's a bit of an oddity.

Rotten Tomatoes sure as hell didn't like it--- it's currently at 38%--- but I have to say, it wasn't awful. I'd give it... 5/10 stars, mainly because of the plot (and definitely not because of the acting). Some of the special effects looked like people were using 'Hot Wheels' as model cars. And once the premise got going, you're left with 30 minutes of basically dead air. But I did like the timeliness of it (no pun intended), in the sense that the rich can effectively live forever.

After the movie, me and Benny realized we had about eight minutes before we had to get back to my house (we had spent half an hour trying to see how long Luis could go without doing something stupid), so we ran like HELL. It seemed kind of familiar... running, checking the time on a little green display on your wrist... I dunno.

Well, there's my review. Oh, and sorry I didn't blog yesterday.

I just didn't have enough time on my hands.

Bye!

Beardophobia

In a series called 'The Franchise', the SF Giants were followed around with cameras for the whole season as they tried to defend the title. Then they failed. The good news is that the Rangers, who went up against the Giants in last year's World Series, have now proven to be #1 at being #2. They just BARELY lost the Series this year, and last year the Giants just ate them alive. They only needed to play five games.

Anyway, back to the point: in The Franchise, the players are also followed around off-camera, meaning that we get to see the actual personalities of Matt Cain, Tim Lincecum, and Brian Wilson.

BTW- if 'Beardophobia' (fear of the beard) ever makes it into the dictionary, I want credit.

There was a clip where The Beard himself says that on the mound, he doesn't think about pitching--- he thinks about Cholula Sauce on Pop Chips (which you may remember from my old post, Winning Streak). Well, I finally tried Cholula Sauce, and...

HOLY F*** IT TASTES IN-FREAKING-CREDIBLE!!! Oh, sweet Jesus... it's fantastic. Try it. Just... just try it...

Bye.

<< It's just so... good...

HalloWHAT THE HELL, WHO FARTED?

Monday is the famous holiday that plays off of our inerrant fear of squash. Halloween is here, and that means we are now engaging in random acts of utter insanity at Ben's house. Luis and Cody are here, and they are literally farting their asses off. It's about 1:40 right now, and the craziness is still going strong. Luis showed up three hours late, so we naturally chucked stuff at him from the balcony, like water balloons and plastic bags.

Then we watched Captain America (again). It's even cornier the third time. And then I went on a completely pointless Minecraft spree and started killing every Creeper, Zombie, Spider, Skeleton, Ghast, Slime, Silverfish, Zombie Pigman, Spider Jockey... the list goes on.

Anyway, I took a break from the action to tell the world some of the most horrific news ever: A Fart of Darkness has been perpetrated.

As you may recall from my previous post, Encyclopedia Brifarttica, the Fart of Darkness is one of the worst possible farts to be perpetrated. So: Read Encyclopedia Brifarttica, and discover the many kinds of extreme flatulence.

Hmmm... X-Treme Flatulence... sounds like a sport. Cody would win the gold.

Bye!

<< The Jack-o-Lantern in Minecraft.

Too Many Choices

In english class, we recently read Robert Frost's 'Two Roads in a Wood' poem, or whatever the hell it's called. We were then assigned to write a poem about choice. My original idea was to write about different kinds of cereal, but my final decision was much better:

I could sit in bed, fake a terrible cough

Not do the assignment and just blow it off.

However, I could get an F in the class

And into High School I never would pass.

A poem by Thursday? My God, that’s insane!

Homework should be banned, it gives me great pain.

I could choose to do it or sit on the couch

And eat bags of Cheetos in a comatose slouch.

I could put it off and then do it at break

But that would just give me a splitting headache.

It’s not enough time, it makes me just sick

Plus I procrastinated ‘till Wednesday at six.

This assignment is driving me out of my mind

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost nine!

I could run away and then go on the lam

And fly to Namibia or Amsterdam.

But really, I know it’s inevitable

I’ll go into class, and then heads will roll.

The thing will be turned in a couple days late

I might as well resign myself to this fate.

It’s better than putting myself through pure hell

Finishing the assignment around about twelve.

And coming to school like a sleep-deprived ape

And falling asleep in class around eight.

I might’ve just done it a bit day by day

Finished it days ahead and then gotten an A.

But apparently that is not my destiny

The poem’s not finished and it’s almost three.

My bed is just screaming “Come lay down, you jerk!”

“The poem aint’ finished, it’s just too much work!”

I could have collapsed in my bed around then

But I plodded on and I didn’t give in.

And when I awoke, my poem was done

I don’t know how it happened, but I wrote a TON.

I made the right choice, so give me an A

I worked way too much to just throw it away.

There you have it. I pasted it from Pages, so the typeface is a little off. Eventually, of course, I chose to write the stupid thing. Still, it's a strong entry to my Bad Poetry file. The last line really makes it. The genius of this poem comes from the fact that I wrote the poem about how much I didn't want to write the poem.

Bye!

An Xterrible Accident

We were driving on the long, windy Bolinas-Fairfax Road when we came across this:

That is a toppled Nissan Xterra. It was empty, making it seem as if someone had stolen the car and then run away in a panic. The interesting thing is that I may be the only person with a picture of this event, making this actual BREAKING NEWS. And if I've learned anything from watching breaking news (or breaking newsgraphics, as the case may be), it's that no story can be drawn out long enough. Here we go!

The car was flipped right at the edge of Alpine Lake Dam. If the car was stolen, it seems the driver came from Bolinas, then made a sharp turn, causing the left side tires to climb up on the hill, tipping the car on its side in the wrong lane. We were just barely able to squeeze by and continue on to Mt. Tam, but on our way up, we saw a park ranger driving like a maniac with sirens on.

Other theories:

#1) A mental patient escaped from a nearby asylum. He tipped the car and ran around in the woods like a nutjob.

#2) Phil, Stu, Allen, and Doug had another bachelor party, this one in San Francisco. At around two in the morning, they got in a car and drove off. This theory would have been perfectly vindicated if there had been a tiger in the backseat.

#3) Aliens landed on the road. The driver panicked, swerved to miss the alien ship, and tipped his car. The aliens then took him into their ship for various forms of probing.

#4) The driver was incredibly high and is right now sitting in a tree down at Alpine Lake holding a stick, thinking it's the steering wheel.

#5) Loch Ness surfaced from the depths of Alpine Lake. The driver was understandably distracted. He was then eaten.

Any more theories? Leave them in the comments.

Bye!

Vermin Cain

CAUTION: CONTAINS COLORFUL LANGUAGE

If you watched The Daily Show a few nights ago, you may have caught a certain reference to one of my favorite countries. Jon Stewart played THIS clip of Herman Cain. In it, the interviewer asks Cain if he's ready for the 'gotcha' questions, such as 'Who's the president of Uzbekistan?' Cain then proceeds to say he doesn't know and doesn't care. Then he refers to the country as Uzbekibekistanstanstan. I have just one thing to say to him.

F*** you. I know, I know, I could have phrased that in a kinder way. But really, this is a massive disappointment. I keep trying as hard as I can to actually LIKE one of the Republican candidates, but they all just keep screwing themselves over. Over the past few polls, six different people, including Donald Trump, have led the Republican polls for president. Here's the breakdown of the major players:

Mitt Romney: If I had to choose one person to play a president in a movie, it would be Mitt Romney. If you opened up a box labeled 'PRESIDENT', Romney would be inside. It's too bad that his Romneycare has made him liked more by Democrats than Republicans. That's a no.

Michelle Bachmann: I was open to the idea of a Bachmann presidency up until I found out her husband runs a clinic that is supposed to 'de-gayify' gay people. No on Bachmann.

Rick Santorum: He seemed okay, up until I heard about his fanatical stance on abortion and his nutty napkin metaphors. Nope.

Rick Perry: Oh, yeah, we need another Texan governor as president.

Ron Paul: My personal choice for the Republican nomination up until he talked about health care, saying he would just let coma patients die.

Herman Cain: He seemed very promising, especially because it would prevent people from saying that only racists hate Obama. I was even willing to overlook his questionable qualifications (he was the CEO of Godfather's Pizza). But I'm sorry, Herman--- you've messed with the wrong Uzbekistan lover!!!

As you may remember, my goal a few months back was to get my blog read in a country that ends with 'stan'. I randomly picked Uzbekistan, and devoted an entire post to the famously unknown country, hoping some nice Uzbekistani would come across my blog. Well, Herman, Uzbekistan's president is ISLAM KARIMOV!!! Its capital is Tashkent, and it has a population of roughly 30,000,000 people!!!

I just rattled those facts off the top of my head. And because Uzbekistan read my blog twice after that, I am one of the Uzbekistani people's best friends! Oh, and by the way, Uzbekistan supplies the US with a massive amount of aid in the war on terror.

And many other Uzbekistan lovers have decided to speak up, as you may have seen in the comments on the aforementioned video.

So, Herman-- you just PISSED OFF millions of people in central Asia. I hope you're happy, you Uzbekistan-hating sonofabitch!

Bye!