COUNTDOWN TO SUMMER: PART ONE

ONLY SEVEN DAYS LEFT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

By the way, that's exactly 100 exclamation points, although I wouldn't recommend counting them, as that could cause a pixel-induced headache.

I'm referring, of course, to the ever-nearing end of the school year. We have exactly eight more school days of weirdness and insanity to go. And if you don't think my school is insane, consider the following:

1) We found a disembodied rabbit head on the blacktop. Blood was all over the place. Yow. Then the janitor (who we're all pretty sure lives in the school) came up, put it in a plastic bag, and drove off with it.

2) On Friday, a guy came to school in a red velvet dress. I just walked up to him, stared at him, and said "Nice shoes". Not much I could say to that. I think he was trying to get out of school on a section eight.

Aaah, Klinger. I'll bet only five people who have ever read this blog would get that.

I feel old. And I'm only 13.

Anyway, back to bidness: 3) We dissected a cow's eyeball in class today. Apparently, the lenses are kind of glass-y. We had fun bouncing them off the ground and freaking out the squeamish members of the class. Then I stored two of them in my milk thermos and tried to get my friend Cody to drink it. Didn't work.

4) Our band substitute was nuts. She banned all playing of instruments during class and started screaming at us. She said our usual teacher wouldn't let us get away with the stuff we had done, so I decided to point out to her that she was wrong; he would have. Then I ended up in the office. I @#$% hate substitutes.

So, my school is insane. And I only have seven more school days to put up with it. And I have 14 days until I'm off to Europe.

Can't wait.

Bye!

On Lamer Tides

So, as expected, the world didn't end. WHAT A SURPRISE. I even stayed up until midnight waiting and saying things like "Ten minutes until the end of the world" and "The end of the world has been brought to you by Vertco™".

So, I went to see the new Pirates of the Caribbean movie, and I can't see what everyone is flipping out about. This was possibly the best of the Pirates sequels (but Dead Man's Chest was pretty good). The only thing it failed at was its pathetic title. All I hear is that 'OH, THIS MOVIE STINKS', or 'TOO MANY EXPLOSIONS'. Well, I have a message for YOU: You can never have too many explosions. Highlight the following blank space for my whole review.

What made this movie work was its ludicrousness. The action scenes just kept getting more and more improbable, from when Jack hangs behind a banner to avoid the British to when he slingshots himself using a palm tree. Mostly what critics complain about is how convoluted the plotline is, but that makes no sense. That's the same complaint people used for Tron: Legacy and BAD MOVIE, but if you lose the plot because you're just incapable of following it, that's your own fault.

Well, there you have it. At the end of the day, 5 out of 10 stars.

Bye!

It's the End of the World as we Know it

...And I feel fine. According to some ridiculous religious fanatic whatever thingy, tomorrow is the official end of the world. Nice. People, continents, Taco Bells... all of them sucked into a nuclear explosion/black hole/alien death machine/result of a YouTube stunt gone horribly wrong. But what does this mean for all those poor, misinformed people who think the world will end in December 2012? I mean, the ancient Mayans will be SO disappointed.

Well, fortunately, I'll be spending my last hours happily: Playing Call of Duty at NINTH PRESTIGE LEVEL SEVENTY!!! Yeah, we used a cheat code.

So, I'm glad you could join me for this, my last blog ever (maybe).

Bye!

He Won't Be Bahk

It's been a turbulent week for our Governator, Ahnold. He's never had a good track record with just about anything, and recently Californians have been stunned that all these years he's never successfully killed John Conner.

Speaking of which, I saw Terminator Salvation. It was pretty good, but you could tell it wasn't the actual Governator doing the killing at the end. But fortunately, T5 is coming out soon (sometime between 2012 and 2013), and I think Arnold will have enough spare time to act in this one.

We finally had Renaissance day today, and it was every bit as chaotic as expected. The climactic scene (AKA throwing things at Willp in a dragon suit) involved the entire audience leaping up onto the stage hitting people over their heads with foam swords and suchlike. Then we kind of lost the dragon costume, and... yeah. Needless to say, I woke up on the roof of the Gym. I don't know how I got there, or why there were sixteen totem poles placed in a circle around me, but I intend to find out.

And my long-lost epic Goomba hat has been retrieved. For those of you who stumbled across this blog on a random web search (which would account for my most recent hits), let me explain: My trademark look includes a Goomba hat (seen below), a grey hat of awesome featuring a Super Mario Bros. character on the front.

GAME OVER.

Anyway, I left it on the bus two weeks ago, and my IDIOT FRIENDS ONLY JUST GAVE IT BACK!!! I ate them alive today, but it doesn't matter. I have my revenge already planned...

MYSTERIOUS CLIFFHANGER!

Bye!

Kill Willp: Volume I

Tomorrow shall be one of the most aggravating days of my life. Every year at White Hill Middle School, we have a ridiculous event called 'Renaissance Day', where we all set up our stupid booths and skits and dumb stuff like that while parents walk around saying 'OOH, DA LITTLE KIDDIES ARE SO CUUUUUUUUUUUUTE!!!' It bugs me to the extreme. But me and my friends Connor, Riley, and Willp have a little something different planned: It's a booth called KILL THE DRAGON. Basically, it's an excuse to throw random projectiles at Willp in a dragon suit.

I really am getting the best deal out of all of this: On all our posters, I make fun of Connor (of course, he hasn't seen them yet). Most of our posters detail different kinds of dragons. So here's an excerpt from one of them:

'Draco Americanus Gargantus is a type of American dragon that resides in ancient Aztec ruins. It resembles a bird very much, from its massive wings to its feathery head. It even regurgitates prey for its young, much like Connor!'

And Riley's part stinks. He wanted a part where he doesn't have to act at all, so we gave him one-- he has to talk for five minutes straight, spouting off dragon info.

Needless to say, there shall be great hilarity tomorrow.

Bye!

SEAL TEAM SIX!

Oh, hiya! The blog site's been down for a few days, so I haven't been able to blog. Also, I have basically nothing to say. So I'm going to give you an update on my stats!

My blog has officially been read in every continent on the planet (besides Antarctica)!!! I was missing Africa, but some wonderful person in South Africa read my blog (twice!). I am very, very content.

Well, there's not much going on in the news, besides the fact that we shot Osama bin Laden IN THE EYE. I hate massive stories like these that just fall apart five seconds after we hear about them because there's NOTHING ELSE TO SAY. It's so frickin' frustrating. I mean, it's all great and wonderful, but we need to get over ourselves. It's ONE GUY. Who, by the way, was sitting sunbathing right in front of us while we dicked around in the mountains of Afghanistan looking for him! EPIC FAIL.

Apparently, I was half-right: There won't be a Call of Duty: Pakistan Compound, but there WILL be a movie called 'Kill bin Laden'. Whoop-dee-freakin'-doo. We're never gonna shut up about this, are we?

What really fries me is that random reporters in Ireland and Germany are now whining about how we should have taken him alive, or shouldn't have conducted the raid in the first place. Are you s***ing me? They say that Osama is no longer a large part of al-Qaeda. First off, they have to swear allegiance to him when they sign up. Second, even if he wasn't, how can you say he didn't deserve what he got? He was the architect of 9/11! And, may I say, Public Douchebag #1!

Also, now Republicans are trying to take credit for the operation, saying it would have been impossible without Bush. Look. Many things would've been impossible without Bush. Many, many things.

God. Think of what would've happened if Bush had either not been elected or had a brain. But you cannot take credit for an operation that was ordered by Obama, carried out under the Obama administration, and was the direct result of Obama ordering the CIA to double its Osama-finding efforts as soon as he came into office! Which means it's time... for a limerick slam.

There once was a president Bush

Who we wanted to kick in the tush

He mispronounced words

He was SUCH a turd

Like a bug we all wanted to squoosh.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Bye!

Entirely Thor-gettable

I saw THOR. Oh, boy. This movie stank. Well, the special effects are state-of-the-art, but the storyline is AWFUL!!! This was worse than 'Cars', and that's saying something. When movies get all into that mystic crap, I pretty much want to puke. But I have to admit-- there were numerous explosions and gigantic battles. So, what do I care?

There was even a f***ing rainbow bridge in the movie. Jesus Christ!!! That's a little over-the-top. Here's something interesting, though-- my friend Ben's uncle worked on THOR. Which makes this entire blog full of 'inside information'. For instance, did you know that off-camera, Natalie Portman enjoys drinking cucumber milkshakes?

In other news, I ran in that crazy race over at the Marin Civic Center, and my body is only just now recovering, 14 hours later. And that's just my body. Mentally, I'm scarred big-time. I ran five kilometers--- no, wait. What am I doing? I'm not going to Europe for a month, why am I using their system of measurement? We have to stand up to all these stupid systems of measurement. That means YOU, celcius.

Anyway, I just ran 3.1 miles and got 27 minutes (26 if you don't count me tying my shoe). I was a little too tired to hang around there, so I don't know how I placed in relation to everyone else. Whatever-- I still get my free mile passes from PE.

Bye!

The Class Menagerie

We're watching another movie in science class this week. It's the fourth this year. And when I say movie, I MEAN movie. It's 'Contact' with Jodie Foster. The other movies were Gattaca, Jurassic Park, and Outbreak. We always end up watching a movie related to the subject at hand. For Gattaca, we were studying genetics (you'll notice all the letters in Gattaca's title are parts of the genetic code, G, A, T, and C). Jurassic Park, we were studying dinosaurs. And for Outbreak, we were doing a unit on viruses.

For Contact, we were doing a sound unit. And the movie, unlike most movies I've seen, is NOT the best movie ever. But what's weird was that I totally predicted she'd end up in Florida after she gets sucked through the wormhole. So, apparently, Florida is in another galaxy. That would explain a lot.

Unfortunately, the epic teacher responsible for this is leaving White Hill to teach at San Mateo High. DAMN! I was looking forward to another year of goofing around and watching movies. I hear 8th graders get to watch Evolution (the best movie ever).

This class is the best in the school. You can basically sit wherever you want (there's a seating chart, but it's never enforced). You get popcorn during movies, frog dissections, and the only good book to read in the whole school curriculum.

Sad. Also, I lost my infamous Goomba hat yesterday when I left it on the bus. I don't know who has it, but one thing's for certain: I'm finding that hat, or my name's not whatever my name is. I'm still feeling the effects of my 'WE GOT OSAMA' party. There's a special feeling I get when I wake up in a straightjacket duct-taped to the ceiling with 92 Wonka Nerds® in my mouth.

Aaaah, heaven on Earth.

Bye!

The Campaign Promised Land

The Republican National Debate is tonight-- no one's showing up. I thought the field for a Repub candidate was already looking small at best, but this is just sad. Which means it's up to me to save the day (again). I've decided that I'm running for president on the Republican ticket!!! Not that I actually am a Republican, just that I'm trying to find the group of people that a 13-year-old Californian kid can beat! And I've found it. Donald Trump, Mike Huckabee, Newt Gingrich. I'll say again- the job is PRESIDENT. Don't let the applicants throw you off.

Now remember: This is for REAL. Go to my blog's sidebar and visit my other blog, VERTPAC, for the latest updates on ME 2012: YOU'VE DONE WORSE. Also, you can click to donate to the me campaign.

For those of you unsure about donations, clicking on the sidebar doesn't force you to give money-- I've been told it doesn't even let you do that. But still, check it out.

When I get to sit in front of this seal, I'll uphold the constitution LIKE A BOSS! I'll kill Osama bin Laden! Uh... oops. That was all I had to run on. The rest of this blog was just me telling you the different ways I could pop him in the EYE! I really need to stop planning so far in advance.

Okay... well, how about this: I know some candidates make bogus 'promises' like "I'll end torture in Guantanamo Bay" or "I'll make America respected again". But I'm blogging to you at 11:55 PST in a bleary-eyed, drowsy state from my gigantic 'WE GOT OSAMA' party to tell you this. WHOO! Hangover. Where was I? Oh, yeah-- I make promises I can keep. If I am elected, I will be America's most recent president. And I can almost guarantee I will make many, many speeches far more important than this one.

That's called upholding the dignity of the presidency. Ball's in your court, Trump-- stunt candidacies are HOT now. Debate me or suffer my infinite wrath!

Bye!