Comment Wars

I have been completely distracted from my regularly scheduled blogging regimen recently, and for that I apologize-- but I've been working at the library, coming up with an idea for my Summer Engagement Project, finishing off a book for school, watching any and every movie I can possibly get my hands on, and generally plotlining extensively hard.
Graham Vert
However, I am F**KING PISSED THE LIVING F**KING HELL OFF. Yep, you thought I had calmed down recently after the whole Millennial Time Magazine cover-- NOPE! In Texas, a teenager named Justin Carter has been put in jail for F**KING NOTHING. He was arguing over League of Legends on Facebook (which, actually, is a crime in and of itself), and someone called him crazy. He responded by sarcastically saying "Oh yeah, I'm crazy, I'm gonna shoot up a school full of kids and eat their still-beating hearts jk lol"

And of course, the comment has been taken completely out of context by a media whose goal is to spread hatred and distrust for 'kids these days' and a police department trying to remain politically correct. But guess what, people-- THIS IS ABSOLUTELY, INEXCUSABLY, UTTERLY F**KING MORONIC. This is worse than the kid who bit his Pop Tart into the shape of a gun and was suspended. Carter has been in jail since April now, just for writing a Facebook comment. He never committed a crime.

So in the interest of showing that NOBODY is without sin on the internet, I've compiled a list of my favorite comments of mine from my movie-reviewing website, Rotten Tomatoes. As you may recall, this is the site that had to disable individual comments on critic's reviews back in 2012 because the critics were getting too many death threats for not liking The Dark Knight Rises. We haven't come far since then. So, without further ado, here's my LIST OF MY BEST ROTTEN TOMATOES COMMENTS!!!

1) After being told I was a 'flaming homosexual' for not liking Hugo, I proceeded to respond: "Flaming homosexuals are only found in Africa, where gays get their limbs hacked off, gasoline poured over their heads, and set on fire." See how that could be taken the wrong way... OUT OF CONTEXT? But I'm not worried about being sent to jail, seeing as nobody reads this blog.
2) After someone said they didn't like Die Hard, I said "I WILL THROW YOU OUT OF A BUILDING." Too far? Maybe. But it's a reference to the movie. At the end (spoiler alert), John McClane drops Hans Gruber out 32 stories. Someone who didn't get the reference might have thought otherwise, however.

I couldn't find many more, but I think that those are two pretty good examples. However, I have to admit-- usually when I'm on Rotten Tomatoes, I try to post constructive and evaluative comments. Like "YOU ARE THE ANUS OF THE WORLD" or "I MUST BE THE COEN BROTHERS 'CAUSE YOU JUST GOT BURNED AFTER READING!!!"

Anyway... normally I just troll the forums for people who liked crappy movies like Hugo or Up, but it doesn't sound like Carter was doing that AT ALL. But it's pretty difficult to convey sarcasm over the internet. Usually, you just have to either take the person's word for it or practice some READING F**KING COMPREHENSION SKILLS.

Bye!

The Big Sleep

It's THAAAAANKSGIVING, meaning that it's time for my entire extended family (all one of them) to get together and have dinner at some odd restaurant in San Francisco. Me, my parents, and my grandpa went to Il Fornaio, an Italian restaurant chain. I had a strange cake-thing filled with rum, coffee, and chocolate, and then I stayed up until three in the morning watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off along with some old episodes of The Big Bang Theory.

You see, every night my parents turn off the WiFi, so I have to come up with new and inventive ways of getting it back on without disrupting their sleep. I've had many a successful mission, but it's a difficult task: Their room is directly across from mine and my mom is a REALLY light sleeper. In the past, I've ended up waiting 20 minutes on our flight of stairs waiting to be sure that they're asleep.

Of course, I only feel comfortable doing this on a weekend, which is why I'm in such a good mood right now. Rule #75 of my 100 Great Truths About School: On Thanksgiving, give thanks for a five-day weekend. And yes, this list does exist. I'll upload it sometime, as long as it doesn't compromise the security of my age group's secrets.


Thanksgiving really is kind of a stupid holiday if you think about it, though. It just represents the ONE day when Native Americans and Europeans DIDN'T kill each other. But I guess that's such a momentous occasion that it had to go down in the history books.

I have a confession to make: I'm writing this in bed, on my laptop, at 11:00, after turning on the WiFi 'illegally'. Wow-- how much more of a stereotypical blogger could I become? But it really is a never-ending quest. I keep coming up with new and inventive ways of turning on that damn switch, and they keep trying to come up with new and inventive ways of stopping me. Hint: Only one of us is ever successful.

A lot of time and effort could be saved if they just left it on all night, but I guess it isn't easy for them to admit defeat. So I'll just have to keep putting on socks, opening the door without it squeaking, crawling commando-style down the stairs, narrowly avoiding the different creaky floorboards that I've learned to watch out for, and at long last turning on my precious, precious internet.

Anyway, that's all I got for now. Stay tuned for the 2012 G-FORCE COVERAGE OF THE SAN FRANCISCO CAR SHOW (Sponsored by Eggo). It twill be awesome!

Bye!

The Day The Internet Stood Still

It was a cold day in Marin County. I was watching random YouTube videos and eating a bag of Doritos. When suddenly, the screen of my computer went black. All the lights went out. The phones died. It was truly... hell on Earth.

As I biked through the neighborhood, watching as groups of people stepped out onto their front porches to find out what had gone wrong, I realized: It wasn't just me. The entire Fairfax-San Anselmo area had fallen victim to the most horrific of natural disasters: A power outage.

I followed the sirens to Drake Boulevard, the largest street in the town, where I found traffic backed up as far as the eye could see. A telephone pole stood, suspended by the wires and a tree branch, but split down the middle and shattered to pieces. It was then that the horrible reality of the situation began to sink in: It was Friday night... and I couldn't watch a movie.

An event as awful as this deserves special treatment. Which is why it's time for another installment of my award-losing series... DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!



Apparently, some asshole rammed his car into the telephone pole and didn't have the COMMON F***ING DECENCY TO TAKE SOME F***ING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS F***ING ACTIONS... But I'm calm. I'm calm. At least, now that I can put my thoughts about every excruciating minutia on the internet for all to see. But last night... it was not the same. Let me read to you from the journal of THE NIGHT WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

•6:24- I am watching a video on YouTube about cheating in high school. Life is good. Birds are singing. All is well with the world.
•6:25- My screen just went black. No Internet. I asked my mom what is happening. She says no Internet. I do not understand. No Internet? Impossible.
•6:43- With nothing else to do, I get on my bike and follow the police sirens over to Drake Boulevard. A telephone pole is down. No power. No lights. No TV. And most importantly, no Internet. What is happening to the planet? What is happening... to my TOWN?
•6:55- Dad comes home. I tell him to make Internet go. He says no Internet. I nearly have heart attack.
•7:03- Lack of Internet has forced me to write down all my thoughts on paper. What if I want to share this with the rest of the world? My fans in Finland are waiting for a blog post. Do I have to actually GO to Finland? Good God.
•7:12-Without Internet, life is pointless.
•7:17-Suddenly, an epiphany! What if I made my OWN Internet? Ingenious. All I need are some batteries, some tools, and a rudimentary internal combustion engine.
•7:34- Attempts to make own Internet ruined. Ran out of electrical tape, and the batteries are all half-dead. Time to accept the cruel, dark reality of life without Internet.
•7:53- If I can't have Internet, time for the next best thing: I will take pictures of my cat and make up funny captions for it. My Mom will be in charge of writing a comments section, and Dad can start writing Wikipedia.
•8:16- Camera is out of batteries. Life is ending.
•8:29- With the world in the grips of calamity, I am forced to pack up my things and embark on a mission to find Internet. Maybe someone in San Rafael has internet. Time to find out.
•8:47- Internet found!!! There is an outlet by the name of 'Poodle Doodle'. But unfortunately, the WiFi is password protected. Maybe I will track down this 'Poodle Doodle' person. Make them stop hogging Internet.
•8:55- So many password-protected WiFi outlets... God Damn Internet thieves... hogging the Internet for themselves while the rest of us are left to perish.
•9:06- Maybe I could fix the telephone pole. Make Internet come back.
•9:12- Unable to get close enough to magic Internet pole in order to fix it. Police say to 'move along'. How am I supposed to 'move along' if there is not Internet? Must have Internet.
•9:25- In desperation, I call my friends to see if they have any Internet. Time to perform Ancient Mesoamerican Internet Dances. See if Internet falls from the sky.
•9:31- My half-Native American friend calls that idea 'racist'. Proves my point-- society is beginning to tear apart at its seams.
•9:48- My parents say to go to bed. They say that the Internet will be back 'Sometime tomorrow'. Yeah. Like I have time to wait until 'Sometime tomorrow'.
•9:57- Pass out.

Anyway, that's it. Obviously, the internet came back miraculously this morning. But it was a harrowing twelve hours. The strangest thing is... I found some scribblings of Memes on my walls. It's gonna take a helluva lot of paint to get rid of them. Weird.

Bye!