The Day The Internet Stood Still

It was a cold day in Marin County. I was watching random YouTube videos and eating a bag of Doritos. When suddenly, the screen of my computer went black. All the lights went out. The phones died. It was truly... hell on Earth.

As I biked through the neighborhood, watching as groups of people stepped out onto their front porches to find out what had gone wrong, I realized: It wasn't just me. The entire Fairfax-San Anselmo area had fallen victim to the most horrific of natural disasters: A power outage.

I followed the sirens to Drake Boulevard, the largest street in the town, where I found traffic backed up as far as the eye could see. A telephone pole stood, suspended by the wires and a tree branch, but split down the middle and shattered to pieces. It was then that the horrible reality of the situation began to sink in: It was Friday night... and I couldn't watch a movie.

An event as awful as this deserves special treatment. Which is why it's time for another installment of my award-losing series... DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!



Apparently, some asshole rammed his car into the telephone pole and didn't have the COMMON F***ING DECENCY TO TAKE SOME F***ING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS F***ING ACTIONS... But I'm calm. I'm calm. At least, now that I can put my thoughts about every excruciating minutia on the internet for all to see. But last night... it was not the same. Let me read to you from the journal of THE NIGHT WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

•6:24- I am watching a video on YouTube about cheating in high school. Life is good. Birds are singing. All is well with the world.
•6:25- My screen just went black. No Internet. I asked my mom what is happening. She says no Internet. I do not understand. No Internet? Impossible.
•6:43- With nothing else to do, I get on my bike and follow the police sirens over to Drake Boulevard. A telephone pole is down. No power. No lights. No TV. And most importantly, no Internet. What is happening to the planet? What is happening... to my TOWN?
•6:55- Dad comes home. I tell him to make Internet go. He says no Internet. I nearly have heart attack.
•7:03- Lack of Internet has forced me to write down all my thoughts on paper. What if I want to share this with the rest of the world? My fans in Finland are waiting for a blog post. Do I have to actually GO to Finland? Good God.
•7:12-Without Internet, life is pointless.
•7:17-Suddenly, an epiphany! What if I made my OWN Internet? Ingenious. All I need are some batteries, some tools, and a rudimentary internal combustion engine.
•7:34- Attempts to make own Internet ruined. Ran out of electrical tape, and the batteries are all half-dead. Time to accept the cruel, dark reality of life without Internet.
•7:53- If I can't have Internet, time for the next best thing: I will take pictures of my cat and make up funny captions for it. My Mom will be in charge of writing a comments section, and Dad can start writing Wikipedia.
•8:16- Camera is out of batteries. Life is ending.
•8:29- With the world in the grips of calamity, I am forced to pack up my things and embark on a mission to find Internet. Maybe someone in San Rafael has internet. Time to find out.
•8:47- Internet found!!! There is an outlet by the name of 'Poodle Doodle'. But unfortunately, the WiFi is password protected. Maybe I will track down this 'Poodle Doodle' person. Make them stop hogging Internet.
•8:55- So many password-protected WiFi outlets... God Damn Internet thieves... hogging the Internet for themselves while the rest of us are left to perish.
•9:06- Maybe I could fix the telephone pole. Make Internet come back.
•9:12- Unable to get close enough to magic Internet pole in order to fix it. Police say to 'move along'. How am I supposed to 'move along' if there is not Internet? Must have Internet.
•9:25- In desperation, I call my friends to see if they have any Internet. Time to perform Ancient Mesoamerican Internet Dances. See if Internet falls from the sky.
•9:31- My half-Native American friend calls that idea 'racist'. Proves my point-- society is beginning to tear apart at its seams.
•9:48- My parents say to go to bed. They say that the Internet will be back 'Sometime tomorrow'. Yeah. Like I have time to wait until 'Sometime tomorrow'.
•9:57- Pass out.

Anyway, that's it. Obviously, the internet came back miraculously this morning. But it was a harrowing twelve hours. The strangest thing is... I found some scribblings of Memes on my walls. It's gonna take a helluva lot of paint to get rid of them. Weird.

Bye!