Slip-Slidin' Away

Well, it's been an action-packed week, full of math tests, bad movie watching, and school projects that require gospel music singing (no joke). I haven't had much of a chance to blog thus far, seeing as my schedule has been packed and my brain was fried from watching Divergent, the worst movie of the year so far (click HERE to read my review of it), so let's look at a few updates from the news stories I've been covering recently:

• THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! And coming up on a very special CNN report: THE PLANE IS GONE!!! Tune in soon!
• Russia's seizure of Ukrainian military bases and equipment has now apparently expanded to tactical dolphins.
• Sadly, Fred Phelps did not come back to life as a zombie so we could kill him again for good measure.

Huh. Sounds like my week was far more interesting than the week in news. Unfortunately, not everyone has had a boring week, because in Oso, Washington, an entire hillside came away and completely crushed the small town. Mudslides are common in Washington state, but it's not every day that you see an entire square mile of land just sink down and bury a town Pompeii-style. At least we know that the disaster will probably be memorialized in a shitty Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Here's a pic:

Weird stuff has been going on recently, and I'm pretty sure that the Illuminati is to blame. There must have been one guy in Oso who was a threat to their plans, so they tried to eliminate him. Same with the Malaysian plane... good lord, it all fits together! There must be some massive conspiracy! Think about it: The numerology numbers for "Oso" is 15/19/15! Add the pairs of numbers together, and you get 6/10/6! Add those three numbers together, and you get 22! The number 15 appeared in the original numbers TWICE! 15 - 6 = 9! 9 + 2 = 11! 9/11!!! OH MY GOD!!! And that's not all-- 11 TIMES 2 is 22: THE NUMBER OF DAYS THAT THE MALAYSIAN FLIGHT HAS BEEN MISSING!!! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!!! AAAAAAGH!!!

Ah, well. Whenever I don't know what to say on a subject, I go all conspiracy theory. So, let's have the first moment of honesty and seriousness here at G-Force: To the families of the victims, my heart goes out to you. This terrible disaster is something nobody could have seen coming. And hopefully, the bastards in the Illuminati will pay for it. Phew. That was intense. No wonder I don't go all heartfelt more often. I nearly had a brain aneurysm.

Bye!

Not Another Hurricane

My blogging routine has been somewhat sparse as of late, but I have a valid excuse-- my school is absolutely hectic. There's a new project every week, and I can barely begin to keep up. And it doesn't help that my group members, although funny, are often absolutely incapable of buckling down and working. In my new group, one guy spent a whole 90-minute period drawing penises on Microsoft Paint while I built our whole website. And in the last project we did (a report on a country that was chosen for us at random), it was no better. We had to keep a journal that was written from first-person, and described what daily life would be like in our country (Afghanistan), written from the point of view of a Kabul native. Here's a few choice selections from my group member's journal entries. Now, bear in mind: These were written very crudely, so any translation errors are not my fault. But I think I've pretty much conveyed the message (if any) behind them. Take a look:

• "There is to many suicide bomers in afghanistan we need to cleanse the entire country of these horrid taliban theyh ave to stop attakking us and let us build a better country for the people so we can finally have peace in tuis country and stop being the playground of war"
• "This is very good in my eyes the more womans rights the better and more womens rights expand the closer we are coming to becoming a country of peace"
• "this is ecxiting to me we are going to get the things we need for football i feel this is empowering as to say there football leader was proud to be in afghanistan in my country im going to go play right now"

Great stuff. Powerful and emotional. And before you say "Hey, this is mean, he may have a mental disability," three things: Firstly, although he is absolutely insane, he is no vegetable. Secondly, I didn't mention his name. And thirdly, he told me to put these on my blog (which he reads). So I'd like to take this chance to give a big shout-out to my former group member, just in case he reads this! Sir! You are the philosopher king! So many questions remain unanswered, o wise one! Such as... why did you not capitalize Afghanistan? What is the meaning of the word "ecxiting?" Why is there no punctuation at the end of your sentences to signify the conclusion of a phrase? Oh, I'm sure that scholars will debate this for ages!

Wow, this went on way too long. But I really needed to vent about this... and it's also pretty hilarious. Seriously, I could eat a bucket of Scrabble tiles and crap out a sentence more coherent than these. 

But in other news, there's a hurricane that just hit the Philippines (it took me way too long to figure out how to spell that correctly), and here's a big news flash for everyone: THIRD-WORLD COUNTRIES ARE REALLY, REALLY SHITTY! So my class is having a drive to raise $2,000 to help the people there, and unlike most things my school sponsors, I actually think I might contribute to this. So I'm going to pitch in fifty bucks, partly because I'd feel guilty not doing it when I just got approximately one buttload of money for my birthday, and also because... y'know... it might save someone's f**king life.

   << Also, this.

Interestingly enough, the only country in the world that isn't represented at least occasionally in Miss World pageants is Vatican City (which, thinking back, I should have guessed). But amazingly, there's been Miss Iran, Miss Uzbekistan, and even Miss North Korea. Anyway, now that I've guaranteed a lot of traffic for my blog, I'll leave this story behind. But people-- send some money to The Philippines (this time it only took me three tries to spell correctly!). And don't send it through some anonymous, faceless donor that will probably pocket a lot of that cash for personal gain... like Vertco. 

Oh, and as a follow-up to last post's story-- Toronto mayor Rob Ford has been declared "Mayor in Name Only" by the council of The Illuminati Toronto. So no, crime doesn't even pay in Canada, proving once again that moving to Canada is a bad idea. But before this blog post turns into the 1,001 reasons why I will never move to Canada (I don't know if I could fit them all into that few), I shall sign off. 

Bye!

A Veritable Republicane

My birthday is tomorrow, just putting that out there. I hope some of my less-intelligent friends can refrain from telling everyone that they should sing the stupid birthday song. You see, my school is really spirited (which frustrates me), and they have their own birthday song which is ten times longer than the original. It's exhausting. So people, I don't want any big celebration tomorrow. Just presents. Lots and lots of presents.

My biggest and best birthday gift this year was, of course, Obama's re-election. I went out of my way to turn fate for the Democrats last night-- I saw a shooting star and wished for Obama's second term, and I turned back when a black cat walked across the road. Call me superstitious, but in an election year, every little bit helps.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are playing the blame game for who is responsible for Romney's loss. It'll be a few months before they stop, and their first victim is Chris Christie, New Jersey's governor and the guy who recently came out and commended the president for his efforts in the hurricane relief. I've hated Christie for a while, but, like Herman Cain, he seems to have redeemed himself. He's reached across party lines for the good of his state, which is something you rarely see these days. Kudos, Christie.


Right... anyhow, the Republicans aren't happy with what he said, and thought that he should have also commended Romney for his efforts in hurricane relief. And he probably would have, if he had done anything. Then again, Romney isn't necessarily in a position of power to try and help out. And we'll fight tooth and nail to keep it that way.

It looks as if my initial prediction was wrong: The hurricane actually helped Obama win. Now, you may have noticed that I haven't covered the hurricane so much, seeing as I'm an awesome rockin' Californian who's three hours behind you peons on the east coast. But I have no idea how to donate to the Red Cross via texting or whatever. I have not a clue how it works. You'd think that I, being an almost-15-year-old Californian, would have at least a mediocre grasp of technology, but no. So, people? Donate to the Red Cross via... something. That's all I got.

Bye!

The Day The Internet Stood Still

It was a cold day in Marin County. I was watching random YouTube videos and eating a bag of Doritos. When suddenly, the screen of my computer went black. All the lights went out. The phones died. It was truly... hell on Earth.

As I biked through the neighborhood, watching as groups of people stepped out onto their front porches to find out what had gone wrong, I realized: It wasn't just me. The entire Fairfax-San Anselmo area had fallen victim to the most horrific of natural disasters: A power outage.

I followed the sirens to Drake Boulevard, the largest street in the town, where I found traffic backed up as far as the eye could see. A telephone pole stood, suspended by the wires and a tree branch, but split down the middle and shattered to pieces. It was then that the horrible reality of the situation began to sink in: It was Friday night... and I couldn't watch a movie.

An event as awful as this deserves special treatment. Which is why it's time for another installment of my award-losing series... DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!



Apparently, some asshole rammed his car into the telephone pole and didn't have the COMMON F***ING DECENCY TO TAKE SOME F***ING RESPONSIBILITY FOR HIS F***ING ACTIONS... But I'm calm. I'm calm. At least, now that I can put my thoughts about every excruciating minutia on the internet for all to see. But last night... it was not the same. Let me read to you from the journal of THE NIGHT WITHOUT THE INTERNET.

•6:24- I am watching a video on YouTube about cheating in high school. Life is good. Birds are singing. All is well with the world.
•6:25- My screen just went black. No Internet. I asked my mom what is happening. She says no Internet. I do not understand. No Internet? Impossible.
•6:43- With nothing else to do, I get on my bike and follow the police sirens over to Drake Boulevard. A telephone pole is down. No power. No lights. No TV. And most importantly, no Internet. What is happening to the planet? What is happening... to my TOWN?
•6:55- Dad comes home. I tell him to make Internet go. He says no Internet. I nearly have heart attack.
•7:03- Lack of Internet has forced me to write down all my thoughts on paper. What if I want to share this with the rest of the world? My fans in Finland are waiting for a blog post. Do I have to actually GO to Finland? Good God.
•7:12-Without Internet, life is pointless.
•7:17-Suddenly, an epiphany! What if I made my OWN Internet? Ingenious. All I need are some batteries, some tools, and a rudimentary internal combustion engine.
•7:34- Attempts to make own Internet ruined. Ran out of electrical tape, and the batteries are all half-dead. Time to accept the cruel, dark reality of life without Internet.
•7:53- If I can't have Internet, time for the next best thing: I will take pictures of my cat and make up funny captions for it. My Mom will be in charge of writing a comments section, and Dad can start writing Wikipedia.
•8:16- Camera is out of batteries. Life is ending.
•8:29- With the world in the grips of calamity, I am forced to pack up my things and embark on a mission to find Internet. Maybe someone in San Rafael has internet. Time to find out.
•8:47- Internet found!!! There is an outlet by the name of 'Poodle Doodle'. But unfortunately, the WiFi is password protected. Maybe I will track down this 'Poodle Doodle' person. Make them stop hogging Internet.
•8:55- So many password-protected WiFi outlets... God Damn Internet thieves... hogging the Internet for themselves while the rest of us are left to perish.
•9:06- Maybe I could fix the telephone pole. Make Internet come back.
•9:12- Unable to get close enough to magic Internet pole in order to fix it. Police say to 'move along'. How am I supposed to 'move along' if there is not Internet? Must have Internet.
•9:25- In desperation, I call my friends to see if they have any Internet. Time to perform Ancient Mesoamerican Internet Dances. See if Internet falls from the sky.
•9:31- My half-Native American friend calls that idea 'racist'. Proves my point-- society is beginning to tear apart at its seams.
•9:48- My parents say to go to bed. They say that the Internet will be back 'Sometime tomorrow'. Yeah. Like I have time to wait until 'Sometime tomorrow'.
•9:57- Pass out.

Anyway, that's it. Obviously, the internet came back miraculously this morning. But it was a harrowing twelve hours. The strangest thing is... I found some scribblings of Memes on my walls. It's gonna take a helluva lot of paint to get rid of them. Weird.

Bye!

FLOOD!

Hello, everyone. No, this is not a follow-up on my zombie series. This is a real disaster. Here's the full story.

Yesterday, I saw a sign on the creek bridge here in San Anselmo which read: CAUTION: CONTAMINATED SEWER WATER. My friend Luis swam in the creek and got violently ill. Now, in order to fix this, the city had to close off all the storm drains to keep the water from flowing into the creek. But because of this, the whole city flooded and the creek was only at five feet!

When my spanish class let out (2nd period), I ran to the end of the locker hall to find my friends. What I found was a river. The entire downpour we've recently had had pooled together into one massive flowing, churning monster which lapped at the edges of the classrooms.

After math (3rd period), I ran to the end of the hall during the three minutes between classes. What I found was shocking. The river had expanded and was still growing! The storm drains just wouldn't work! People were sending little paper boats out onto the river, clogging the drains even further! This was truly a time for an episode of my soon-to-be award-winning series...

DISASTER... IN MARIN!!!

I had science for the next period, so I routinely checked on the river outside through the window on the other side of the room. Then the bell for lunch rang, but I stayed in science class (I wasn't about to get stampeded out in the locker hall. The entire 7th grade was jammed into that tiny little area).

Then the end of lunch came, but I couldn't get out. There were three ways; one was cordoned off with caution tape, one was filled with people pushing and shoving to escape the flood of mud, and one led out the back entrance of the class. I knew I'd be late for my next class if I tried to go through the locker jam, so I ran out the back door.

I flung my backpack across the river ahead of me, and I jumped from lunch table to lunch table in order to escape. I made for the high ground, a series of hills behind the school. I thought I was home free...

But I stepped on some grass, which looked surprisingly solid. Unfortunately, the mud underneath it had been transformed into quicksand. I sank down a good six inches before I could pull myself out. I was so panicked that I just charged right through the raging river, getting my shoes, socks, and pants completely soaked. And I didn't even get to class on time.

That was intense.

Bye!