Keeping Up With Kriminal Kourt Kases

In between my epic story of my trip, I will interject with actual news. And right now we have a doozy-- George Zimmerman, the guy who shot Treyvon Martin back in 2012, has been acquitted of all criminal charges.

This is probably the most arbitrarily unfair jury verdict since Casey Anthony's case was dismissed. Zimmerman followed Martin (a young black kid in a hoodie) for a few blocks before calling the police to report a 'suspicious' person in his neighborhood. After being told not to take action, Zimmerman was confronted by Martin, who had seen him stalking him. Zimmerman then shot Martin, killing him. And he has been released from custody without taking any responsibility for his actions.

And so now the whole f**king world is in an uproar. Europeans are now writing editorials painting America as a land of outlaw vigilantes who follow black people around their neighborhoods, looking for an excuse to shoot them. The entire South has come out in support of the verdict, saying that Martin attacked Zimmerman. Even President Obama weighed in, saying that he "Could have been Treyvon."

But among the most ironic and facepalm-worthy of the responses has to be Kim Kardashian's. She said that "Justice hadn't been served." Which made all of America pause and think for a second-- maybe Kim Kardashian isn't really the vapid and useless reality TV prop we all thought she was. Then we all remembered that HER FATHER GOT OJ SIMPSON ACQUITTED. Yyyyyyyyyup, it's stupid as shit.


When it comes to greed, hypocrisy, and all-out ignorance, it's impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Actually, I think that a "Kardashian" was an alien on the original Star Trek series. No? I'm wrong?

However, the stupidest of responses had to come from George Zimmerman's brother, who expressed his fear that vigilantes would "Take the law into their own hands," and that his brother would now have to be "Constantly looking over his shoulder." Does that sound like anything else we know of? Hmmm, let me think... nope, not coming to me.

I think that, when I have the time and money, I will go to Florida and follow George Zimmerman wherever he goes. I'll peek through his windows, follow him into grocery stores, and hide in the trunk of his car when he's driving. Then, one day, when he finally snaps and tries to punch me in the face, I'll shoot him in the balls and yell "I STOOD MY GROUND!" Only then will justice truly be served.

Bye!

Taste the Rainbow

I just got back from a trip to Santa Cruz, so I haven't been able to blog recently. I've been crying over the state of humanity after watching fat kids from Minnesota attempt to play pinball in a sweaty arcade building. So yeah, my faith in people has been somewhat lost.

But I can't talk about the dregs of arcade-going humanity for an entire blog post (lord knows I've tried), so let's talk about something that actually matters: Knock-knock jokes. THE TRIAL OF GEORGE ZIMMERMAN started this week, and it's off to an... interesting... start. In his opening statements, Zimmerman's lawyer saw fit to tell the following joke:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
George Zimmerman who?
... Good, you can be on the jury.

The joke made reference to the fact that it's pretty much impossible to find people who are fair and impartial when it comes to such an explosive issue as this. However, it does not change the fact that you DON'T TELL A F**KING KNOCK-KNOCK JOKE WHEN YOUR CLIENT IS BEING TRIED FOR MURDER! Or did he just MISS that day in law school? By the way, I'd like to respond to that joke with my own:

Knock, knock
Who's there?
George Zimmerman.
Oh, come in, George. I have some Skittles if you want some--
SKITTLES! AAA! (BLAM BLAM BLAM)
... ugh...
I STOOD MY GROUND!



Skittles: Taste the rainbow. Unless you're black and wearing a hoodie, in which case, using our product might get you shot.

I have the feeling that someone intentionally gave Zimmerman the worst defense lawyer in the country just to see him get fried in the electric chair. Not since the TRIAL OF O.J. SIMPSON has a court case gotten such national attention. And it's not gonna be over for a looooong time. Part of the defense's case is that no receipt was found on Treyvon Martin's body, so they say he stole the Skittles and tea. So to all of you criminals out there-- yeah, you people, who throw away your receipts right after you buy your Skittles-- the law isn't far behind you. One of these days, you'll slip up-- and some vigilant soul like George Zimmerman will be there to catch you when you do.

Bye!