You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

The Stan With the Plan

So, here's a thing: Apparently, Kazakhstan has decided that they're finished with being a stan and want to change their name. According to the president of Kazakhstan, the suffix "stan" has gained a negative connotation over the years, because the neighboring countries of Uzbekistan, Tajikistan, Turkmenistan, and Kyrgyzstan are riddled with poverty and caked in mud, while Pakistan and Afghanistan are famously war-torn and may or may not harbor known terrorists. Kazakhstan is the most economically developed nation out of the seven stans, and they want to change.

THIS. IS. BULL. The Seven Stans have been my favorite group of countries for quite some time now. It's difficult to decide on a favorite, but I'd have to say Uzbekistan because of its quirky personality and the fact that they put a record twelve stars next to their Islamic crescent on their flag. Nearly everything these poverty-stricken nations have done together has been a truly seamless blend of many different styles of violence, chaos, and semi-rusted Soviet tanks. So in memory of the Stans, let's think back through their impressive discography.

Although many say that the definitive work of the Stans has to be the Russian invasion of Afghanistan, I personally find that the best moments of this great group came when individual Stans took the wheel and gave us their own #1 hits. The megalomaniac dictator Niyazov of Turkmenistan is truly one of the world's all-time best dictators, but unfortunately millions of people have yet to hear of this lesser-known human rights tragedy (despite pleas from thousands of Turks who urged the international community to really consider checking it out). Today, most people consider this to be one of the most underrated dictatorships in world history, but some still claim to "Not understand it" and never return to it again. Tasteless Americans.



I liked them before they went mainstream.

Then there's the ultimate Stan moment in my opinion, when the Stans first came together right as the Cold War ended-- a situation that immediately created Kazakhstan, Uzbekistan, Turkmenistan, Tajikistan, and Kyrgyzstan. Man, what a great group. There's Kazakhstan, the leader. Uzbekistan, the popular one. Turkmenistan, the cute one. Tajikistan, the quirky one. And Kyrgyzstan, the quiet one. Bringing in Pakistan and Afghanistan for a few sets really rounds out their atrocities, I think. But all this would not have happened if Russia hadn't stopped oppressing them and started letting them oppress themselves for a change.

I mourn the disillusion of this spectacular arrangement of extremely talented nations. Fortunately though, all is not lost. If Kazakhstan bows out, the other Stans will undoubtedly pick up the pieces only to blow them to smithereens once again. It's totally lame that Kazakhstan has now become "too cool" for them, but hell, I never liked Kazakhstan that much anyway. Maybe this will allow Kazakhstan to expand and grow as a nation, even releasing some solo works to build on what it accomplished with the other Stans. And the fab four that are left over have been hinting at possibly performing some smaller atrocities and genocides at unannounced locations in the region.

Bye!

Slip-Slidin' Away

Well, it's been an action-packed week, full of math tests, bad movie watching, and school projects that require gospel music singing (no joke). I haven't had much of a chance to blog thus far, seeing as my schedule has been packed and my brain was fried from watching Divergent, the worst movie of the year so far (click HERE to read my review of it), so let's look at a few updates from the news stories I've been covering recently:

• THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! THE PLANE IS GONE! And coming up on a very special CNN report: THE PLANE IS GONE!!! Tune in soon!
• Russia's seizure of Ukrainian military bases and equipment has now apparently expanded to tactical dolphins.
• Sadly, Fred Phelps did not come back to life as a zombie so we could kill him again for good measure.

Huh. Sounds like my week was far more interesting than the week in news. Unfortunately, not everyone has had a boring week, because in Oso, Washington, an entire hillside came away and completely crushed the small town. Mudslides are common in Washington state, but it's not every day that you see an entire square mile of land just sink down and bury a town Pompeii-style. At least we know that the disaster will probably be memorialized in a shitty Paul W.S. Anderson movie. Here's a pic:

Weird stuff has been going on recently, and I'm pretty sure that the Illuminati is to blame. There must have been one guy in Oso who was a threat to their plans, so they tried to eliminate him. Same with the Malaysian plane... good lord, it all fits together! There must be some massive conspiracy! Think about it: The numerology numbers for "Oso" is 15/19/15! Add the pairs of numbers together, and you get 6/10/6! Add those three numbers together, and you get 22! The number 15 appeared in the original numbers TWICE! 15 - 6 = 9! 9 + 2 = 11! 9/11!!! OH MY GOD!!! And that's not all-- 11 TIMES 2 is 22: THE NUMBER OF DAYS THAT THE MALAYSIAN FLIGHT HAS BEEN MISSING!!! IT'S ALL A CONSPIRACY!!! AAAAAAGH!!!

Ah, well. Whenever I don't know what to say on a subject, I go all conspiracy theory. So, let's have the first moment of honesty and seriousness here at G-Force: To the families of the victims, my heart goes out to you. This terrible disaster is something nobody could have seen coming. And hopefully, the bastards in the Illuminati will pay for it. Phew. That was intense. No wonder I don't go all heartfelt more often. I nearly had a brain aneurysm.

Bye!

Crimea River

Well, I've had an interesting weekend. On Friday, I was sick, so I stayed home from school (THANK THE GODS!). Of course, I had the common cold, which is the disease I've been studying since early January for the Disease Project... oh, irony is a cruel mistress. Anyway, I'm back in top health and I'm ready to be unproductive and write blog posts instead of doing that Spanish video I probably should have gotten around to... ah, well.

Our top story today is, of course, the ever-escalating situation in the Crimean peninsula in Ukraine-- er... Russia. Vladimir Putin has officially begun the annexation of the territory by sending in troops to occupy Crimea's pizza places, casinos, and strip clubs. Ukraine has recently ordered a troop withdrawal as the Russians seize naval bases and key strategic areas. Meanwhile, the G8 officially booted Russia out from their club, leaving them as merely the G7. Of course, Putin doesn't care... because in Soviet Russia, the president assassinates YOU!

This is all the result of an election last week that showed that 105% of Crimean voters wanted to join Russia. Although these results are disputed by some, they seem pretty legitimate to me. I mean, it's not like Putin sent thousands of KGB agents into Crimea to stuff ballot boxes and execute anyone who stood in their way, right? That's silly. The big problem here is that this is all moving a lot too fast for the taste of President Obama, whose Red Line, Deadline, and Pretty Please With A Cherry On Top strategies have all proven ineffective thus far. Meanwhile, Putin continues to seize land and ride around shirtless with his gymnast girlfriend. Seriously... I couldn't make stuff like this up.

She'll annex Ukraine... after annexing your heart.

So the big question is whether or not Obama will have to back down and sacrifice a little dignity in order to avoid World War III, or even worse... World War Z (seriously, that movie was crap). So is this the conflict that will finally lead to the long-awaited and much-anticipated sequel to the critically acclaimed World War II? I say no. This is much too silly a dispute to lead to a global conflict of such a major scale. Recently in human history, we've been figuring out how to avoid massive wars through diplomacy and the fact that any country, even FRANCE, is capable of reducing the entire planet to a nuclear wasteland. If we do have a World War III... it's going to be because of a certain fat man-child dictator invading another country using nuclear bombs made out of twigs and boulders.

So rest easy. Bye!

Putting the "Fun" in "Funeral"

Sometimes, you come across a group of people so monumentally retarded, you wonder how the lumps of half-baked potatoes functioning as their brains are actually capable of dragging them out of bed in the morning. I hate a lot of stuff (duh, I'm a blogger), but I reserve my all-out detestation only for people and things that infuriate me right to my core.

The Westboro Baptist Buttholes are one such thing. Never in my life did I think I would come across any human being stupid enough to picket military funerals with signs that read "Thank God For Dead Soldiers," but hey, if you can imagine it, someone out there believes it. Anyway, these religious flamers have been disrupting people's funerals for several years now, much to the public's dismay and the media's glee, so that just makes the current situation all the more hilariously ironic.

Fred Phelps, the founder of the Westboro Baptist Church itself, is currently in the process of doing probably the one good deed he has ever accomplished in his miserable existence: He is dying. And for this... he will have my eternal gratitude. But the good people of the WBC are now all butthurt over people mocking this turn of events, saying that their dying leader should be treated with respect. HAHAHA! I was more sympathetic when Osama bin Laden died! You retards set up a church with a website called "GodHatesFags.com," and you expect us to have the slightest bit of respect for your bigoted, racist, and blatantly homophobic leader, who is now dying what I hope is the most painful death in the history of the world? I laugh derisively at your hypocrisy!



However, even when my spirits are at their lowest... there's always that one guy who restores my faith in humanity. Good on you, random guy holding a sign. You've made my 100 Best Internet People list.

Just to make things all the more hilarious, Phelps was excommunicated from the church that HE STARTED because he was advocating a more "gentle" approach to the church's message. Can you imagine what the hell happened there? If your organization doesn't let FRED PHELPS in because he's "not crazy enough," then you seriously need to rethink your mission statement. Also, what exactly did he say to get booted out? "Hey guys, I think we should really team up with the Muslims to eliminate the gays, because we really need to focus on the big picture here." "Teaming up with the Muslims? HERESY! Burn, heretic!"

Anyway, the point is that he's dying and I'm happy. Really, I shouldn't be happy about other people's misfortune, but at the same time, he was a cancerous detriment to America that degraded humanity's overall worth. It's messed up to say that someone deserves to die... but really, if anyone deserves to die, it's this asshole. And for those of you wondering... yes, I believe I will have a few choice words to say at his funeral.

Bye!

Plane Wrong

Well, let's try to keep this blog going. There's a lot of news stories I have to catch up on from my long-ass hiatus from blogging, but the most pressing is clearly my school debates. This past week, my school had a series of debates for our Disease Project. The concept is that each group of three or four people is assigned a disease, and then debates against other groups about which disease should get an imaginary half a billion dollars in funding. As you can imagine, this usually leads to the worst diseases winning the debates. My disease? A little thing called the common cold.

Anyway, long story short, I paved a path of wreckage and destruction through the debates, beating influenza (lol it's the same as the cold), Polio, AIDS, and Cystic Fibrosis... only to lose to f*cking Sickle Cell Anemia in the final round. Still though... the common cold over AIDS? Damn. During the debates, you can stand up and yell "POINT OF INFORMATION!" to interrupt the speaker, so here's a few of my favorite points to counter what the speaker was saying.

• "If that's your data, then I question your research skills."
• "Contrary to what you just stated, Africa is NOT a country."
• "Your logic is inherently flawed."
• "I don't know... FDR got along fine, and he had Polio."

It was fun on a bun. Unfortunately, I've made some enemies now, because some people don't like being yelled at in front of the class. Ah, well. Them's the breaks.

Anyway, time for some legitimate news stories... namely, an entire plane full of people has gone missing somewhere in southeast Asia, and nobody has the slightest clue as to where it possibly went. Malaysia Airlines, the company that owns the plane, went from saying "It's probably terrorists" to "It's probably a systems malfunction" to "Aliens. Definitely aliens" to "Ehhh, f*ck it." So as you can probably guess, the families of the passengers aren't too pleased.

Only a few things are possible here. First we thought a terrorist group might have hijacked the plane, but usually terrorist organizations take responsibility for things like this because... you know... they're terrorists. They cause terror. Then we thought it might have been a malfunction, but apparently the GPS and radar systems on the plane were turned off manually. Now there are all sorts of conspiracy theories shooting around, ranging from the plane landing on the water and being towed by a boat to some remote location to the plane meeting up with another plane in midair, flying tandem to avoid sonar detection, and landing in some undisclosed location. Who knows? Personally, my theory is that the plane was equipped with some kind of new warp drive that tore a hole in the space-time continuum and sucked it into an alternate universe.

    << The most plausible theory yet.

Or maybe the plane's engine came off, traveled through a wormhole, and landed in the suburban home of Jake Gyllenhaal. Or maybe some kid predicted that the plane would explode moments before takeoff. Or maybe I should stop making vague references to obscure sci-fi/horror movies. Just a thought.

I think it's clear that Malaysia Airlines needs to extend their search to encompass the entire solar system (and maybe all of space-time as well while they're at it), but really there are way too many possibilities to cover here. What if the plane traveled back in time to cause 9/11? What if it was sucked into wherever all the missing socks end up? Or has it gone into the mystical realm where King Tut's penis ended up? Don't worry... I won't bring THAT tired old series back. But I will say this: If aliens did abduct that plane and the History Channel guy was right all along... I have to rethink my life.

Bye!

Conspiria

In a new project at school, we're supposed to draw maps. You have no idea how happy this makes me. You see, for years my pastime has been doodling maps and drawing random little countries on the backs of math assignments and English papers, so I am 100% prepared for this shit. Not to mention that I am a friggin' geography encyclopedia. I can freehand an accurate map of the world in under five minutes. So now I'm being called over to help random people in the class every thirty seconds. It is my blessing... but also my curse. My map-making skills have earned me the title of Map Jesus.

However, it's not like cartography is really a successful career path. I mean... nobody's out there discovering new continents. Well, except for the Portuguese, who are still looking for a passage to India. I'm getting sidetracked. The point is, maps are fun, and the project I'm working on is about movies. So I now have to write about movies and draw a map... two things I do on a daily basis already. God, I love life. If they could throw hiking, nachos, and trolling the internet into this project, I think I would die from happiness.

But the purpose of today's blog post is to report on something far more sinister: This week, a so-called "cosmic explosion" was caused when an enormous star blew up 3.7 billion light years away. If this explosion had been any closer to Earth, we all would have died. Now, scientists say that the chances of this happening are less than 0.1%. But according to top researchers at THIS highly reputable website, this is all part of a vast government conspiracy to cover up secret alien transgalactic nuclear weapons testing in the Gamma Quadrant of the universe! Or something...



You see, there is a secret society known as the Illuminati, who were responsible for the assassination of JFK. I mean, the news about the cosmic explosion came out ON THE ANNIVERSARY OF JFK'S DEATH! Coincidence? I don't think so! Also, they faked 9/11 in order to destroy the 13th floors of the World Trade Centers-- the devil-worshiping rooms where they faked the moon landing! Then George Bush invaded Iraq and Afghanistan in order to install US-controlled regimes that would be susceptible to takeover when all the world governments unite in the New World Order! IT ALL MAKES SENSE!

This so-called "cosmic explosion" might be something innocuous like alien nuclear weapons, but I think it's something far worse: A device that the rich and powerful will use to wipe out all life on this planet! Then, the select 1% of Earth's population will live out their days happily, building mighty palaces atop the rotting corpses of their former subjects! YAAABLAAAHGAAAH FREEMASONS BLAAGH OBAMA AAAAARRRGH THE GOVERNMENT!!!

Phew... it's pretty bad. Also, don't get me started on Switzerland. Those guys are up to something, have no doubt about it. "Yodeling" and "strolling" around in their "Alps"... yeah, right. Also, the brainwashing techniques that the US government has been using on me aren't working. I spent $15,000 to get my skull lined with tinfoil.

Bye!

Futbol Americano

So here's a thing-- My high school, Drake High, is about three blocks away from a semi-high-end strip mall called Red Hill, and during lunch, students walk over there to buy food (because let's face it, cafeteria food is toxic). But apparently, this is a problem, as you can see from THIS actual news report. For those of you who don't feel like following that link because it's a waste of your time-- and trust me, it is-- it's a story that some asshat over at Kron-4 did about students jaywalking on the way back from lunch. There are so, so, SO many things wrong with this... where to begin?

Firstly, nobody at my school calls Drake "The Drake." Strike one. Secondly, he brings up the 'fact' that dyslexic drivers might misread the speed limit signs as 52 instead of 25. WHAT? That doesn't even make sense! Why would they be driving if that were the case? Why is that remotely relevant to the subject at hand? Is he just TRYING to make the situation seem more dangerous than it actually is, all for the purpose of maligning teenagers? Undoubtedly. Strike two. And thirdly-- Why did he have to get the five biggest assholes from my school on video? I mean, seriously... a lot of the people in that video are dumbasses... but I don't think any of them are dumb enough to "Play chicken with 4-ton cars" as the video asserts. Not like he has any of that on tape to prove it... sure, why not just make shit up? I could do that! Hell, Kron-4, hire me to do your lame-ass segments! I could be a bitchy, whiny tattletale like this guy as well, and I could report on things that ACTUALLY HAVE SOME VALUE IN THE WORLD!

The amazing thing is, this moron and pretty much every living human on Earth has jaywalked at least once in their lives, and it's not a big thing. Nobody dashes across the street while cars are coming-- the point of jaywalking is to take the advantage of a gap in the traffic and cross when nobody's around. Except, apparently, some asshole with a video camera and a grade-school education. At least, I HOPE he only has a grade-school education... if he had gone to high school or college, he could have gotten a job that actually contributes something to humanity. Like flipping burgers at a McDonald's.

Anyway, this is just one out of many, many things that have been pissing me off to no end recently, the least of which is another in a long line of NFL incidents. So let's continue my long-running segment...



Yeah, football is being retarded again. WHAT A SHOCK! Miami Dolphins linebackquarterbacker (who gives a f**k about the terminology) was suspended recently after he incessantly led the locker room torment of a fellow player. That player complained, and all hell has broken loose now, with football junkies complaining about how the player should have manned up and dealt with it. So, my opinion on this? Well, I'm just going to assume that you all see this coming...

BAN FOOTBALL. Seriously, how is this shit still legal? I couldn't care less about the players, because it's their own God damn fault for getting involved in this moronic 'sport,' but I do have a problem with how it dumbs down all of America. I mean, sure, bash your heads in, but don't make everyone else dumber in the process. The fact that people exist who think that there was some kind of problem with what the player did, and that Incognito was fully justified, makes me sick to my stomach. This sport is a f**king cancerous tumor in America.

Phew... I really needed to vent my anger on that one. But yeah, this retarded masculinity contest pretty much serves the public in the same way the gladiators of ancient Rome did: Distracting the public from the things that ACTUALLY MATTER. I am sick to death of people shooting each other in parking lots, flinging beers at each other, and trashing entire cities over whose group of meatheaded sacks of shit is better than the other. Jesus Christ. It's fine if you watch this crap casually (or as a way to see the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders), but if you only like this as a way to live your demented fantasies about masculinity vicariously, please do us all a favor and seek professional help.

Bye!

Ceiling the Deal

After a lot of work, I have finally made my epic movie review website about as good as I can get it. However, a few things before you visit it: Firstly, all of the reviews are written under the persona of Diego Tutweiller, a vindictive asshole who takes pride in calling movies the "Anus of Cinema" and handing out ridiculously low ratings such as negative zero out of ten stars. That's right-- I INVENTED A NUMBER. And secondarily, I also used the site to upload fake movie posters for a film I had an idea for, so that's what the odd latest post is all about. So if you want to see the website, click HERE.

Besides making a new website, there's not much going on. Let me just check Google news... OH SHIT, SON. The government's back! And I didn't even notice! Apparently, the Republicans allowed the debt ceiling to be raised for the next three months. However, we may have to revisit this tired old debate in February, when the new debt ceiling expires and Democrats start needing to borrow more money for their crippling addiction to welfare.



On the left, we have a perfectly normal, healthy person. But on the right, we have the same woman, six months after becoming addicted to welfare. Welfare. NOT EVEN ONCE. (This ad paid for by the Republican Party).

Anyway, the debt ceiling is raised, people have compromised, and in short, nobody's happy. In fact, one woman went so far as to drive her Infiniti through the barricades around monuments in DC last week, leading police on an hour-long chase through the streets and wreaking havoc. Meanwhile, I was a little miffed because my mail wasn't delivered until 6:00 last night. I guess we all have different ways of dealing with stress.
Skinny skinny
But I really can't get very worked up over any of what just happened, because at the end of the day, both sides are incredibly obnoxious and stupid (perhaps the Republicans a little more so). I honestly couldn't care less about which side came out 'on top' or which one ended up 'losing' this little turf war. Most people agree with me-- in a recent poll, FOX found that congress's approval rating is lower than Nickleback's. Now THAT is some public backlash.

Bye!

Anti-Pasta

Okay, firstly... yes, it's been two months, your eyes are not deceiving you. However, I have a valid excuse-- I've been setting up a new website. You see, recently my movie reviews have been taking over this blog, so I figured I'd make a movie review blog as a subsidiary of G-Force. The problem was, I didn't have enough reviews written to demand a whole new blog site. So I took two months off to write a buttload of movie reviews, ranging from new movies (as well as 32 from 2013) to classics. I beta-tested them on Rotten Tomatoes, and so far, I've gotten some very positive feedback. Once I get the website up and running, I shall use it for all of my movie reviewing needs. Until then, my reviews can be found HERE. I wrote them under a screen name, by the way, so don't be surprised when my account name is Diego John Tutweiller.

In the meantime, I've missed a lot of news stories, from the government shutdown to the chaos in Syria. But today, let's focus more on another news story: PASTA. You wouldn't think that bland, tasteless starch sticks would warrant an entire blog post, but hey, this is a pretty big story right now. In an interview, Guido Barilla, chairman of Barilla Pasta, said that he would never feature same-sex couples in his advertisements, because he believes in "traditional" couples. So here's the new standings for COMPANIES AND WHAT THEY THINK ABOUT GAY MARRIAGE!

Johnson & Johnson----- It depends... how long have Johnson and Johnson been living together...?

Chrysler----- Normally would be anti-gay, but was recently acquired by open-minded Italians. Bottom line: What does Silvio think?

Dairy Queen----- Not gonna touch this one.

Playboy----- Really? Did you have to ask?

Apple----- Oreo got smashed for their rainbow Oreo, but have you seen Apple's original logo? Come on.

Lego----- Hard to tell, seeing as their figurines are of indeterminate gender.

Pilsbury----- Again, unknown. But I'm thinking anti, seeing as the Doughboy is too out-of-shape to be gay.

Quaker----- WAAAY too religious. Definitely anti.

Disney----- It's Mickey and MINNIE, not Mickey and Vinnie.

Budweiser----- Their CEO's statement was too unintelligible to call either way.

 Barilla----- Apparently a no. They believe in spaghetti-conchigile marriage, nothing more, nothing less.

Nike----- "I believe that every human being has the right to freedom, liberty, and marriage. Except for our workers. Them we could take or leave". -Michael Jordan.

GO BACK TO YOUR HOMES!!! THE JORDAN HAS SPOKEN!!!

However, it's not this simple, because the other pasta companies (yes, there's more than one, it was a surprise to me too) have decided to respond with ad campaigns such as this one:


Did you catch it? Yeah, that's right-- this is an ad about gay farfalle. I found it kind of odd that the 'straight' couple in the picture was pointing at the gay couple (perhaps yelling a slur of some sort), but I guess that's just my weird mind at work.

So: Should we care about homosexual Italian dishes? I say NO! Because even though gay rights is a big and important issue, there are far more pressing matters in the world of civil rights than pasta ads. Let's focus on getting gay marriage LEGALIZED before we bother worrying about the vaguely bigoted comments of one Italian guy who just so happens to run a highly profitable pasta company. Nobody cared about where their pasta came from before this; they just bought whatever box was closest to their cart. They shouldn't care now either. Seriously, people-- political correctness can be taken too far. It's just pasta.

Bye!

Keeping Up With Kriminal Kourt Kases

In between my epic story of my trip, I will interject with actual news. And right now we have a doozy-- George Zimmerman, the guy who shot Treyvon Martin back in 2012, has been acquitted of all criminal charges.

This is probably the most arbitrarily unfair jury verdict since Casey Anthony's case was dismissed. Zimmerman followed Martin (a young black kid in a hoodie) for a few blocks before calling the police to report a 'suspicious' person in his neighborhood. After being told not to take action, Zimmerman was confronted by Martin, who had seen him stalking him. Zimmerman then shot Martin, killing him. And he has been released from custody without taking any responsibility for his actions.

And so now the whole f**king world is in an uproar. Europeans are now writing editorials painting America as a land of outlaw vigilantes who follow black people around their neighborhoods, looking for an excuse to shoot them. The entire South has come out in support of the verdict, saying that Martin attacked Zimmerman. Even President Obama weighed in, saying that he "Could have been Treyvon."

But among the most ironic and facepalm-worthy of the responses has to be Kim Kardashian's. She said that "Justice hadn't been served." Which made all of America pause and think for a second-- maybe Kim Kardashian isn't really the vapid and useless reality TV prop we all thought she was. Then we all remembered that HER FATHER GOT OJ SIMPSON ACQUITTED. Yyyyyyyyyup, it's stupid as shit.


When it comes to greed, hypocrisy, and all-out ignorance, it's impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Actually, I think that a "Kardashian" was an alien on the original Star Trek series. No? I'm wrong?

However, the stupidest of responses had to come from George Zimmerman's brother, who expressed his fear that vigilantes would "Take the law into their own hands," and that his brother would now have to be "Constantly looking over his shoulder." Does that sound like anything else we know of? Hmmm, let me think... nope, not coming to me.

I think that, when I have the time and money, I will go to Florida and follow George Zimmerman wherever he goes. I'll peek through his windows, follow him into grocery stores, and hide in the trunk of his car when he's driving. Then, one day, when he finally snaps and tries to punch me in the face, I'll shoot him in the balls and yell "I STOOD MY GROUND!" Only then will justice truly be served.

Bye!

TODAY WE CELEBRATE OUR INDEPENDENCE DAY

HEEEY, IT'S THE FOURTH OF JULY! AMERICA! F**K YEAAAAAAAA! Yes, on this historic day, The Declaration of Independence was signed (even though every signature was not collected on July 4th). Still, it's a great holiday. I watched National Treasure to get me in the spirit of American history, and then sat down for Independence Day, Roland Emmerich's greatest film and the greatest disaster movie ever made. For my full list of the best all-American July 4th movies, click HERE.

And it's a good day for America in more ways than one. In fact, it's been a good few weeks. Because the Supreme Court, in one of the most randomly intelligent decisions they have ever made, has overturned DOMA (the Defense of Marriage Act) and allowed for federal recognition of gay marriage for the first time in US history.

I know, I know-- I'm a little late on this one. Frankly, I'm enjoying my summer just a bit too much, and I've been watching movies endlessly into the night. So my usual blogging schedule has been thrown off drastically. I think this happens every summer, though... but who gives a shit. Apparently, I can take any news story and make it about me. So, GAYS CAN GAY MARRY! PRAISE THE LAWD! And now we can finally put to bed this long and utterly pointless conversation so that Republicans can stop delaying the inevitable and get on the right side of history... right?

WRONG. Within minutes of this story being reported, those f**king nuts were at it, screaming at the TV, in the streets, and on their radio shows. But screw them, they're bigoted assholes. This is not a time to cater to the crazy people of the land.



Yep, you would fall quite comfortably in that category, Rush.

Anyway, this is a big step forward for civil rights around the world. In fact, France recently legalized gay marriage as well. Of course, people took to the streets there and essentially 'stormed the Bastille' in hopes of ending la menace gay. But you know what they say. C'est la vie.

In other news, I'm getting ready to go on a trip to Oregon, during which I will visit Crater Lake, lava beds, and an enormous f**king swimming pool. This shall be a much-needed getaway. I've heard it's amazing; as long as you can get your indecisive and religiously cheap dad to decide on where to stay and what to eat while you're up there. Ten bucks says he eats nothing but salmon the entire trip.

Bye!

East Beats West

I need to get the taste of Man of Steel out of my mouth, so today I'm gonna do something new and different: BLOG ABOUT ACTUAL NEWS. My top story comes out of Michigan, where authorities have received an anonymous tip that Jimmy Hoffa's body may be buried under a road in an intersection in the middle of nowhere. Hoffa, of course, was the teamsters union boss who went missing, and whose body was never found. Now, decades later, they're reopening the case.

I always thought that Hoffa just went back to his home planet, but apparently my conspiracy theories are being put to the test. It's the perfect place for a body, and if teamsters did it, they would have known when and where the road was going to be paved, giving them the capability to bury the body one day, and then see it covered in asphalt the next. So if you're ever in rural Michigan and find a teamsters union ring sticking out of the ground, call the f**king cops. First take the ring though, and then sell it on Pawn Stars.

Up next: According to Google News, the Taliban have agreed to enter peace talks with the US. And in Iran, the new president (replacing Mahmoud Ahmadenijanamananananaad) has said that he is looking forward to 'reforms.' These reforms being; women are now allowed to uncover their heads in public provided there's nobody around to see it, and enriched Uranium rods will be used instead of rocks in stoning.

In all cerealness, this is good news-- it looks as if the Middle East may be getting its act together. But I'm not too certain. Iran seems legit, as the new guy was duly elected... but the Taliban's offer sounds a little too much like the plot of Star Trek: Into Darkness, in which Khan gathers all elite military officers together in one room in order to blow them up. I doubt that the US military will overlook that possibility though, and will probably end up frisking the Taliban militants until they get REALLY pissed and declare an unending jihad on full-cavity strip-searches.

Unfortunately, a lot of people in the Middle East still think that this is our goal:


This is the proposed 'redrawing' of the Middle East, which would create a Kurdish state, as well as split Iraq into Sunni and Shiite factions. It's shit like this that gets us detested worldwide. Because even though this solution would probably benefit all involved countries in the long run (except maybe Pakistan), it's still a really big dick move to just go right in and say "Hey, your borders are here, here, and here. Deal with it." How would we feel if Iran invaded and declared that the US was now divided between North and South?

Quick aside-- if the US WAS divided between North and South, there would be an incredible exodus of sane people from the south to the north. We would take all the trees, drinkable water, clean air, 75% of national parks, and non-insane abortion laws. And Texas? If you ever want to secede again, don't let the door hit you on the way out. Are you gone? Good.

Quick, everybody, change the locks to the country!

So, will the Mideast peace talks end well? I am optimistic. Every religion goes through some crazy f**kin' shit around their 1,400 year mark, and Islam hasn't been any different. When Christians were 1,400 years old, they were crusading across the desert, allegedly killing and eating babies. It's never been proven, but I say teach the controversy.

Bye!

Game of Drones: Episode II: Attack of the Drones

I performed my skit today for my class, and it was pretty damn good. I yelled in a German accent as my stage persona (Dr. Heinz Vanhousin) and was forced to sing a spoof of Bohemian Rhapsody about monoculture farms and apple GMOs. You can only imagine the witty one-liners we coined with this. Things like "An apple a day keeps the DOCTOR AWAAY!!!" and "I vill be ze invincible apple baron of ze WORLD!" Shakespearian, I know.

Also, I have more cause to celebrate, because G-Force just passed 16,000 hits, now averaging 500 hits a month. For a blog with no ad content, no funding, no employees, no reporting, no investigative journalism, no aesthetic design, and probably plagiarized images that could lead to copyright infringement lawsuits, that's pretty damn good. Did I mention that this is also written by a 15-year old?

That's all gonna change, though. I'm outsourcing the writing of these blog posts to a guy in Mumbai who will read all my former blog posts, then write his best guess at the insightful commentary that I would make and that you've all grown accustomed to. Big time saver for me, I know.

Speaking of insightful commentary, here's a news story just BEGGING to be made fun of. For the first time since the beginning of the drone program, the government has taken full responsibility for accidentally killing someone. The catch? The people killed were four Americans.

      

Yeah, I didn't make that graphic. In retrospect, it was stupid of me to assume that no one else would think of this pun.

Anyway, Eric Holder announced today that the government was taking responsibility for the strikes, and Obama himself declared that drone strikes would be 'limited' now. Well, s**t. After countless civilians in Afghanistan are mercilessly bombed with hellfire and brimstone from the sky, the thing that makes the government do an about face on the issue is the deaths of four AMERICANS? HA! It would be funny if it weren't so tragic.

And what exactly do they mean by 'limit'? This drone program was the first blatantly militaristic army ego-trip that I could really GET BEHIND, and now they're 'limiting' it? I mean, say what you will about drones and their accuracy, but normally no more civilians are killed in a drone strike than in a typical foot soldier attack. The only difference is that one situation doesn't put Americans in the line of fire.

I suppose that, like with the A-Bomb before them, the drones have rendered the whole "Sending your army to fight another army to see whose is better" thing kind of quaint. Again, not necessarily a bad thing. And think about the number of combat-ready soldiers we have already! I can't wait to see the army admissions forms in a few years!

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED BATTLEFIELD 4?

YES___   NO___

• HAVE YOU PLAYED CALL OF DUTY: MODERN WARFARE 2?

YES___   NO___

If you answered yes to any of the questions, congratulations! Here's your assignment number and joystick. You start tomorrow.

Bye!

OKLAHOMA!

I have a skit to perform tomorrow in front of my entire 108-person class (divided into four houses, of course), so I'm not in a fantastic mood. I once again play a mad German scientist, so yes, I'm being typecast in the 9th grade. However, my friend Calvin plays a mentally deficient apple-human-fish hybrid with a speech impediment. It's the role he was born to play.

But there's some big f**kin' news right now. And it's turning the world upside-down. Cats are chasing dogs. My Isuzu Trooper is getting good gas milage. People are remembering their PIN numbers without looking them up. Rush Limbaugh is making intelligent arguments. CONGRESS IS GETTING THINGS DONE!!! And it's all because this week... and I can't believe the words are coming out of my mouth... SOMETHING HAPPENED IN OKLAHOMA.

You see, for nearly 100 years, the sleepy little state has been a very model of boredom. In 1982, a tumbleweed rolled through the town of Tulsa, prompting locals to exit their saloons, stop their cattle roundups, and postpone their daily gunfights in order to stare at the miraculous occurrence. This is what passes for news in Oklahoma.

But this week, the pointless and dreary state was struck by a series of tornadoes, destroying homes and laying waste to fields. It took Oklahomans a whole 24 hours to notice the difference. Anyway, this means that Oklahoma has now put an end to its 77-year run of having absolutely nothing happen. So instead of focus on the chaos and misery that is Oklahoma today, I will devote this blog to the chaos and misery that was Oklahoma for the past 200 years.

In the 1800s, settlers drove Native Americans from their ancestral homes and confined them to a fate worse than death: LIVING IN OKLAHOMA. There, they lived for decades in peace until the US finally said "Actually, we want the whole thing" and took Oklahoma over as well. This was regarded one of the most massive blunders the US has ever perpetrated.



^^ The lush and varied landscape of Oklahoma.

Since then, the state has lived through the three D's of Oklahoma: Droughts, Dustbowls, and Depressions. By 1935, every resident of the battered state had either died of starvation or moved to California. To cover up this fact, the government tried to let the state proceed normally despite not having a single person living in it. In 1936, Oklahoma was represented in Congress by a broken stool and a rusty tractor frame. 1938 saw the unanimous election of Governor Clothesline.

Fortunately, the government was able to slowly rehabilitate Oklahoma by forcing even more unfortunate people to live in it. Although the state remains one of the driest in the union, idealistic young Oklahomans dream of one day constructing the state's first puddle, and then... who knows? A whole lake? The sky's the limit.

But all kidding aside (okay, maybe not ALL kidding), I sometimes wonder why people choose to live in places that actively try to kill them. How could you live in a place when you know that at any minute, an enormous whirlwind might suck up everything you've ever held dear? It's probably just my ignorant Californian attitude, seeing as I live in a place where an earthquake could kill you at any minute.

I suppose that the only way to keep these things from happening is to live in giant metal hamster balls that just roll around during a natural disaster. Woah... that's actually a great idea. All I have to do is build the prototype. Also, if I want to sell any in America, it had better have WiFi.

Bye!

The WAH, WAH, WAH Generation: Baby Boomers Are Lazy, Apathetic Narcissists Who Would Rather Blame Their Kids for Their Problems than Solve Them. Why They're a Giant Pain in my Ass

I had the incredible good fortune of taking a history test on Friday, and I aced it. Why, you ask? Because half of the test was on naming countries in Europe. Technically, we were only supposed to fill out the map with a minimum of 25 countries, but I did all 50 on the map and their capitals. So yes, it was a good day. I know how to map. Seriously, ask me any capital. Samoa? Apia. Slovenia? Ljbljana. Uzbekistan? Tashkent. Hmm. These are far less impressive in print format.

Yet not everybody of my age group seems to be as enlightened as myself-- case in point: TIME magazine just released their latest issue-- and it casts some pretty wide generalizations on us millennials. Take a look.



I hope that TIME realizes the massive opportunity they missed out on here. We're really more of the meme generation.

Anyway, if you can't read it, the caption reads "Millennials are lazy, entitled narcissists who still live with their parents." Two things: Firstly, yeah, some of us live with our parents. Us slack-off 15-year olds who do nothing but mooch off of mom and dad instead of renting our own apartments and getting a f**king job. God. So selfish.

And secondarily, WHAT THE FRIGGIN' SHIT, TIME? I'm sorry, but I'm pissed. Do they know what they sound like? "Oh, you kids today with your shorts and your t-shirts! Back in my day, we worked 10 hours a day tilling the backyard to grow SQUASH!" News flash, old people: Every generation looks on the next with disdain. And they're never right. I'm sure my grandparents thought my parents were 'undisciplined youths' for listening to The Beatles and opposing the war in Vietnam. And I'm sure THEIR parent's generation looked on THEM, wondering what the big deal with... Frank Sinatra was. I don't know what was popular back in the 40s.

But you call US lazy and selfish? Hey, baby boomers-- maybe instead of calling us names just because you had to ask your kids to set your phone up for you, you should try to solve some of the mind-blowing problems you've left us with. I don't know, like... global warming, unemployment, inflated college admission prices, a couple of wars, national debt, a growing nuclear crisis across the world, and the death of Futurama. I don't want to live on this planet anymore.

And yeah, some of us are lazy assholes who listen to Justin Bieber and fiddle with our iPods every second of every day, but why single them out? Are you guys just so appalled by the breadth of your own shortcomings that you decide to take it out on a whole generation before they even have a chance to prove themselves? It boggles the mind.

Sorry if this seemed confrontational, but I get up in arms whenever somebody tries to unfairly blame a kid for something just because we're conveniently lacking in power/lobbying capacity in this country. Maybe that should be our next civil rights movement-- letting kids vote. Actually, forget that: I'm forming a MILLENIAL LOBBYING ORGANIZATION!!! So that whenever a young person in this country is persecuted and maligned, we can seek out and sue the offending party. Remember that kid who was arrested for wearing an NRA t-shirt to school? We got his back. That kid in Virginia who was expelled for mixing two non-potent chemicals in science class? Her lawsuit is our lawsuit.

Now it's sounding less like the Millenial Lobbying Organization and more like the Millenial Justice League of America. Still, totally awesome.

Bye!

The Buckeye State

Unlike the rest of the state... make that country... no, make that world... there aren't many fights here in San Anselmo, California. So when something DOES happen, everybody pays the utmost attention to it, just to have something to do. I left the school during lunch yesterday to go with some of the Peeps down to the strip mall, but on our way, we found out that two of the biggest morons in the school were going to fight something out over on the baseball field down at the park. Naturally, there were well over 40 people there watching, and now the two guys have gotten suspended (even though all they did was slap each other a little). It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

The stupidest part of this is how the administration found out-- some idiot was texting in class and the teacher took their phone away-- and proceeded to find out about it through the texts sent via the phone. So, the take-away from this? Apparently, the people in my school lack any form of self-control whatsoever. 

I could go on and on about stupid people at my high school (because God knows we have a lot of them), but there's been some pretty unbelievable s**t going on in the news this week. In Cleveland, a man has been arrested and held for eight million dollar bail after three captive women were found in his basement. And you thought your week was going bad.

This guy (who is a self-declared 'sexual predator', just thought I'd say that) has been keeping the women in the basement for a decade. I won't get into the specifics of what happened over those ten years, seeing as some of my readers are of a more delicate constitution, but it was some messed-up f**kin' s**t. If you want the details, just highlight the following blank space with your cursor:

HOLY CRAP. YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS. Okay, fine. He raped all of the women repeatedly over the ten-year period, and whenever he got one pregnant, he would beat and starve her until she miscarried. He also got one of the other women pregnant, but for some reason didn't do it to her-- so she had to give birth in this little shop of horrors. You did ask. Don't put this on me if you can't sleep at night now. It's your own God damn fault for looking.

By the way, you may recall back when Ohio went for Obama in the 2012 election, and I bumped it 10 slots down on my Official List of S**ttiest States. But now I'm thinking... not so much. It's back to square one. And this was really a long time coming, seeing as Ohio is also the home of the Craigslist Killer, systematic removal of the Native Americans, and Ted f**king Mosby.

JUST MEET THE FRIGGIN' MOTHER ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLE! I HAVE PUT WAAAY TOO MUCH TIME INTO THIS BULLS**T!!!

However, Ohio also is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and The Black Keys... so I could really go either way. Wow... I really got off-track here a little. Anyway, the good news is that the women are back with their families, and can now go on to live an even worse fate: Living in Kentucky. And the guy who imprisoned them in the first place is being held on counts of unlawful confinement, rape, battery, assault, false imprisonment... you name it. Also, when he left the house that day, he left behind a suicide note detailing his prisoners and how sorry he was... so I'd love to see the lawyer he gets.

But in a situation like this, you don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a CRIMINAL lawyer. So, if you want to make more money... and keep the money that you make... 

Wow, that's two TV show jokes that nobody will get. Ah, well.

Bye!