You Are Not Your Blog

So I've been trying my best to get into Game of Thrones ever since everyone on the internet started flipping out about the Red Wedding and how badass Peter Dinklage is, but it's not as easy to just get into a TV show as it looks. First, there's the fact that anything I try to watch after Breaking Bad is going to unfailingly be a disappointment. Seriously... that show has ruined me for television. And also, there's way too many characters in this damn show. And so much shit goes on! There's been a beheading, incest, attempted child murder, sex slavery, nudity, more incest, and another murder so far. The thing is, I've only seen the first episode.

I really shouldn't try to get into these mythical things like Lord of the Rings and Game of Thrones, because I can't fully invest myself in it with the knowledge that somewhere, there is a 45-year-old neckbeard watching exactly the same thing I'm watching while sorting his Magic: The Gathering trading cards. Ugh. It's legitimately unsettling. Still, I'm going to give it a fair shot, because whenever something gains such massive cultural traction as Game of Thrones has, I feel like I should at least check it out. There are two exceptions to this rule: Jersey Shore and Justin Bieber.

Anyway, even I can't stretch out an entire blog post to talk about one episode of a TV show I watched (although a lot of my posts have been based on less... I just wrote one about the Stans, for shit's sake). So let's look at something that actually has some impact (no pun intended) on society at large: GM's legal troubles! Yes, GM has been having some issues with their cars. By "issues," I mean they've been blowing up and killing people. And I think I know why-- some white collar guy at GM decided to stop doing safety checks on the cars, quit his job, and start an underground chain of anarchist cells.



"Take the number of vehicles in the field, A, multiply by the probable rate of failure, B, multiply by the average out-of-court settlement, C. A times B times C equals X. If X is less than the cost of a recall, we don't do one."

Dammit Tyler, people are dying. Anyway, I've always liked GM, because they make the Chevy Camaro, the most badass car in the history of existence. But this is pretty bad. GM borrowed billions of dollars from taxpayers and now those same taxpayers are being blown up by cars made by GM. How ironic! Ha, ha, ha...

Anyway, my dad and I are off to Vegas, Bryce Canyon, and Zion National Park for five days, so I'll be back Wednesday with some more wonderful tales of hiking in 100-degree weather and plane rides. Fun on a bun. Remember-- what happens in Vegas... can really itch.

Bye!

Keeping Up With Kriminal Kourt Kases

In between my epic story of my trip, I will interject with actual news. And right now we have a doozy-- George Zimmerman, the guy who shot Treyvon Martin back in 2012, has been acquitted of all criminal charges.

This is probably the most arbitrarily unfair jury verdict since Casey Anthony's case was dismissed. Zimmerman followed Martin (a young black kid in a hoodie) for a few blocks before calling the police to report a 'suspicious' person in his neighborhood. After being told not to take action, Zimmerman was confronted by Martin, who had seen him stalking him. Zimmerman then shot Martin, killing him. And he has been released from custody without taking any responsibility for his actions.

And so now the whole f**king world is in an uproar. Europeans are now writing editorials painting America as a land of outlaw vigilantes who follow black people around their neighborhoods, looking for an excuse to shoot them. The entire South has come out in support of the verdict, saying that Martin attacked Zimmerman. Even President Obama weighed in, saying that he "Could have been Treyvon."

But among the most ironic and facepalm-worthy of the responses has to be Kim Kardashian's. She said that "Justice hadn't been served." Which made all of America pause and think for a second-- maybe Kim Kardashian isn't really the vapid and useless reality TV prop we all thought she was. Then we all remembered that HER FATHER GOT OJ SIMPSON ACQUITTED. Yyyyyyyyyup, it's stupid as shit.


When it comes to greed, hypocrisy, and all-out ignorance, it's impossible to keep up with the Kardashians. Actually, I think that a "Kardashian" was an alien on the original Star Trek series. No? I'm wrong?

However, the stupidest of responses had to come from George Zimmerman's brother, who expressed his fear that vigilantes would "Take the law into their own hands," and that his brother would now have to be "Constantly looking over his shoulder." Does that sound like anything else we know of? Hmmm, let me think... nope, not coming to me.

I think that, when I have the time and money, I will go to Florida and follow George Zimmerman wherever he goes. I'll peek through his windows, follow him into grocery stores, and hide in the trunk of his car when he's driving. Then, one day, when he finally snaps and tries to punch me in the face, I'll shoot him in the balls and yell "I STOOD MY GROUND!" Only then will justice truly be served.

Bye!

Meth and Taxes

Here's a little backstory: My parents have become increasingly obsessed with Breaking Bad ever since watching the first few episodes off of Netflix. Unfortunately, we reached the climactic finale of Season Four with nowhere else to go; although the first half of Season Five had already aired, it was not on Netflix yet. Rather than wait a year for it on DVD, we downloaded it off of Amazon.

So now we're sitting here watching Live Free Or Die, the first episode of Season Five, and probably a lot more. And I'm pretty creeped out by how much my parents love this show. So over the next few hours, as we binge-view our way through this, I will keep this blog post up as a running experiment, just to see what exactly it is that makes Breaking Bad so addictive.

6:20-- We begin. Epic title sequence. I love this f**kin' show.
6:28-- Walter White is a badass. Bryan Cranston's career should just skyrocket after this shit. He just blew somebody up with a homemade bomb and is now kissing his infant daughter.
6:31-- ODAMN, Hank is in the underground meth lab and has seen the video camera that Gus has been using to watch Walt with. Now Walt's gonna have to destroy the tapes Gus made before Hank can find him. SHIT'S ABOUT TO GO DOWN.
6:34-- Apparently the only people living in New Mexico are scowling, angry bald men.
6:39-- HOLY SHIT THEY'RE USING A MAGNET TO WIPE GUS' LAPTOP.
6:45-- Great, now the guy who Skylar pressured into paying his $600,000 debt has woken up from his coma. That'll go well.
6:47-- YEAAAH! MAGNETS, BIOTCH!
6:49-- Ted's a vegetable now. He slammed his head against a marble countertop and is all f**ked up in the head.
6:52-- They're driving up to an evidence room to activate the magnet and wipe the laptop.
6:59-- Saul Goodman is the funniest TV character I have ever seen. This guy is amazing. Best. Lawyer. EVARRRRR.
7:02-- First episode is over. This show is like crack. I am in f**king love with it. How could any human not love this show? It does not compute.



7:07-- It looks as if the guys funding Gus are now under investigation for their involvement in the enormous meth-producing factory.
7:09-- Well, the guy looks guilty enough, seeing as he's now killing himself by using a defibrillator to give himself a heart attack.
7:11-- Yeah, Walt. Hold on to the ricin-poisoned cigarette and study it for a while. No way something bad could possibly happen.
7:12-- God, it would suck to be a Roomba in Jesse Pinkman's house.
7:17-- It's official. Walt is the devil.
7:18-- It's official. Walt is my favorite character in all of TV.
7:23-- I can't decide whether Hank is an awesome detective, or just the most oblivious DEA worker of all time. His friggin' BROTHER IN LAW is the meth king of Albuquerque. He doesn't know what the hell is going on half the time, and the rest of the time he's analyzing clues that no normal human would be able to see.
7:28-- Mike just said he doesn't want to kill eleven people to keep them quiet. He's losing his touch.
7:34-- For the first time, Mike and Hank are coming face-to-face. And it looks like Hank and Gomie are nailing him.
7:42-- HOLY SHIT, Mike is a badass. He just distracted a guy with a stuffed animal pig, broke into his house, and snuck up behind him with a silenced pistol before the guy even knew what the f**k was going on.
7:45-- Never mind, Mike is so not losing his touch.
7:47-- Now Mike decided not to kill a woman who already sent a guy to kill him. He's losing his touch.
7:50-- Good holy crap, this show is friggin' amazing. Skylar is now just as corrupted and evil as Walt. I have nothing to say. This show is like visual crack. I am addicted. BREAAAKING BAAAAD!!! Duh-duh-duh-duh-duh, duuuuuuuhhhhhh....

Bye!

The Buckeye State

Unlike the rest of the state... make that country... no, make that world... there aren't many fights here in San Anselmo, California. So when something DOES happen, everybody pays the utmost attention to it, just to have something to do. I left the school during lunch yesterday to go with some of the Peeps down to the strip mall, but on our way, we found out that two of the biggest morons in the school were going to fight something out over on the baseball field down at the park. Naturally, there were well over 40 people there watching, and now the two guys have gotten suspended (even though all they did was slap each other a little). It's a sad, sad state of affairs.

The stupidest part of this is how the administration found out-- some idiot was texting in class and the teacher took their phone away-- and proceeded to find out about it through the texts sent via the phone. So, the take-away from this? Apparently, the people in my school lack any form of self-control whatsoever. 

I could go on and on about stupid people at my high school (because God knows we have a lot of them), but there's been some pretty unbelievable s**t going on in the news this week. In Cleveland, a man has been arrested and held for eight million dollar bail after three captive women were found in his basement. And you thought your week was going bad.

This guy (who is a self-declared 'sexual predator', just thought I'd say that) has been keeping the women in the basement for a decade. I won't get into the specifics of what happened over those ten years, seeing as some of my readers are of a more delicate constitution, but it was some messed-up f**kin' s**t. If you want the details, just highlight the following blank space with your cursor:

HOLY CRAP. YOU REALLY WANT TO HEAR THIS. Okay, fine. He raped all of the women repeatedly over the ten-year period, and whenever he got one pregnant, he would beat and starve her until she miscarried. He also got one of the other women pregnant, but for some reason didn't do it to her-- so she had to give birth in this little shop of horrors. You did ask. Don't put this on me if you can't sleep at night now. It's your own God damn fault for looking.

By the way, you may recall back when Ohio went for Obama in the 2012 election, and I bumped it 10 slots down on my Official List of S**ttiest States. But now I'm thinking... not so much. It's back to square one. And this was really a long time coming, seeing as Ohio is also the home of the Craigslist Killer, systematic removal of the Native Americans, and Ted f**king Mosby.

JUST MEET THE FRIGGIN' MOTHER ALREADY, YOU ASSHOLE! I HAVE PUT WAAAY TOO MUCH TIME INTO THIS BULLS**T!!!

However, Ohio also is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame and The Black Keys... so I could really go either way. Wow... I really got off-track here a little. Anyway, the good news is that the women are back with their families, and can now go on to live an even worse fate: Living in Kentucky. And the guy who imprisoned them in the first place is being held on counts of unlawful confinement, rape, battery, assault, false imprisonment... you name it. Also, when he left the house that day, he left behind a suicide note detailing his prisoners and how sorry he was... so I'd love to see the lawyer he gets.

But in a situation like this, you don't need a criminal lawyer. You need a CRIMINAL lawyer. So, if you want to make more money... and keep the money that you make... 

Wow, that's two TV show jokes that nobody will get. Ah, well.

Bye!

Life of Fry

I would like to say a few words... I've prepared something, but I don't think I'll read it.

Futurama was a good show. No, scratch that-- it was a GREAT show. I think that all of the bereaved here can agree that it was one of the greatest television shows ever to be cancelled by FOX news. And, just as this horrid network was responsible for condemning to death great shows such as Firefly, it is also responsible for making the abysmal decision to throw Futurama out in the cold, cancelled for years.

Of course, it was picked up again by Comedy Central, but apparently now even that once-great network that runs shows like The Daily Show and South Park has gone to the dark side. Yes, Comedy Central has officially ended Futurama's legendary 7-season run, and in the process doomed themselves to an eternity in Hades and an avalanche of angry letters. Graham Vert
Looking around today, I see many other TV shows that have lost loved ones in the past few years. Recently, we have laid to rest Seinfeld, the aforementioned Firefly, Monk, 24, and now Futurama. Not to mention that Breaking Bad and How I Met Your Mother are officially on their last legs. These are dark times for us to be living in.


Futurama is survived by its creator, Matt Groening, and its identical twin, The Simpsons.

However, I see many bright, flowering young TV shows standing here today-- Archer, The Big Bang Theory, House of Cards... I can't wait to see your inevitable MASH-like sputters, coughs, and eventual deaths.

The burial will be held on Sunday. In lieu of flowers, please bring Mom's Old-Fashioned Robot Oil. In accordance with the show's last wishes, it will be cremated via laser rifle and launched into space in that sunglasses case that they put Spock in at the end of The Wrath of Khan.

Bye!

Boston Gets Jacked

STAR Test, Version 1, World History: CFCHCFDHCHDGDGAHBJAGDJCHDGDHCHDF
CFDGCFBHBGBHCJCFDFCGCHCFDJBHDGCGDF!!! Yowza!!! And we're STILL not done with this bull crap! As always, I guarantee nothing about these answers, but they should get you a good grade. Or maybe I'm just f**king with your head... MWAHAHAHAHA!!! And here's Earth Science Version 1: CCHDJDJAJAFBHAHAGDFBGDJBHBHAGDHAFCHDHDGDGCGCH
CGAHCJDGDFBJBJCFCGDHCF!!!

God, this is so pointless... but the STAR Test is over anyway, so it's not like these are worth jacks**t. But there have been a few unusual developments in the past 24 hours that are really quite disturbing, and I'd like to turn your attention to them. Remember the Boston Marathon bombing? I assume you do, as CNN simply won't let you forget it. But the Boston CTU has located the suspects.

Apparently, two brothers knocked over a convenience store, then proceeded to steal a guy's SUV. When the guy refused to get out, they told him that they were behind the bombs, and shouldn't be f**ked with. And so ensued the greatest car chase that the city of Boston has ever seen, up until the older brother was shot, taken to the hospital, and eventually died. His bro, however, is still at large, but police think that they've cornered him in a house in Watertown.


In other words, it's 24: Season 9 over there, complete with ludicrous plot twists, shoot-outs, and suspiciously stereotypical villains. These guys are from Chechnya, which is a part of Russia near the Caucus Mountains that wants to secede. So I think we can rule out any kind of political terrorism, seeing as neither Chechnya nor the US are very big fans of Russia.

However, what did catch my attention about this was the fact that Chechnya has a high Muslim population, and that the brothers' parents are both highly practicing Muslims. So now everyone's assuming that Muslims have blown us up... AGAIN. I'm not going to say either way, partly because I don't want to cast generalizations, but also because (if this is really a continuation of 24), there's probably going to be a final plot twist in the season finale where these guys are just pawns, and the real villain is the president's wife. At least, that's the way it was in Season 2.

But that's not the only TV show connection I can make about recent events. Remember the ricin poison that was mailed to Obama? That same s**t was used in Breaking Bad to kill Tuco and Gus (although it didn't quite work either time)... NOPE! NO SPOILERS!!! So now we know who we're looking for: A scowling, angry bald guy. Which narrows it down to practically everyone in that show.

Bye!